HUMOR Digest - 18 Feb 1999 to 19 Feb 1999
There are 13 messages totalling 601 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Babies
  2. A Matter Of Interpretation...
  3. Men Are From Sears, Women Are From Nordstrom
  4. Which Gender??? (off. to both)
  5. Wizard Of Oz
  6. Aborted..
  7. Friar Tuck (Pun) & A Correction
  8. Green Pills, Blue Pills, Red Pills
  9. More Mr/Mrs Bigger
 10. Doggone rabbit
 11. Today - 4 years ago... adult joke - offensive to milkmen?
 12. Letter to a bank manager
 13. Who is Bigger? - Part 2/2 <clean>
 
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Date:    Thu, 18 Feb 1999 03:06:43 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Babies
 
* Pity the poor couple out for the first time since the baby was
  born and the baby-sitter calls them at the party asking where
  they keep their fire extinguisher.
                                - - - - -
 
* Doctors are attributing the record number of multiple births
  to fertility drugs.  I think the problem's because the babies
  are afraid to enter the world alone -- with the shape it's in.
                                - - - - -
 
* A man and a pregnant woman get into a cab.  The man tells the
  cabbie, "City Hall, the Wedding Chapel, then General Hospital,
  and go like Hell, hear ?"
                                - - - - -
 
*   The pregnant woman, tired of all the comments concerning her
  condition, even from strangers, paused as the salesgirl said,
  "I see you're expecting."
    "Actually, no." replied the woman. "I'm pretty damn sure."
                                - - - - -
 
*   The first-time Father was taking a turn at feeding the baby
  some strained peas.  Naturally, there were traces of the food
  everywhere, especially on the infant.
    His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband
  staring into space & sez, "What in the world are you doing ?"
    He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can
  put on another."
                                - - - - -
 
*   The woman, already a Mother of four boys, turned pale when
  the doctor confirmed she was pregnant.
    "What's wrong ?" he asked. "Does the idea of having another
  child bother you ?"
    "It's not that doctor." she responded.  "I'm thinking of all
  the soccer, football, basketball and baseball practices as well
  as the games; the PTA meetings; the clutter of toys; the ..."
 
           =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Admin Note: In the Feb 15-16 Digest, Todd C. Nessen posted a joke
            he titled "Lewinsky Subpoenaed to Re-Blow President".
            The source of the material was "The Onion"
            www.theonion.com/onion3504/lewinsky_subpoenaed.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Feb 1999 05:01:31 -0500
From:    Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: A Matter Of Interpretation...
 
A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge said, "You've been brought here for drinking."
 
The drunk said, "Okay, let's get started!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Feb 1999 06:15:39 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Men Are From Sears, Women Are From Nordstrom
 
Just so everyone has a better understanding, I believe that, in
general, women are saner than men. For example: If you see people
who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a
freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their
bodies except paint, those people will be male.
 
Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn
mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the
annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off
of heads.
 
Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there
would be no war. I sincerely believe this - virtually no military
conflicts, and if there were a military conflict, everyone involved
would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange
of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the
front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with
the dressing on the side). So, I sincerely believe that women are
wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area
is clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane.
 
When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase
clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair
of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger
pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do
not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants.
Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label,
so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you
can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a
52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly
display this information, which is basically the same thing as
having a sign that says: "Howdy! My rear is the size of a Federal
Express truck!"
 
The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for
clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her
particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her
primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore
when she was 19-years-old. This will be some arbitrary number such
as "8" or "10." Don't ask me "8" or "10" of what; that question has
baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was
a size 8 at age 19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8
outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size:
She can't! Her size is 8! So she will keep on trying on size 8
items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely
unhappy. She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is
waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper
Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a
pair of night-vision binoculars.
 
"Hi!" he'll says, when his wife finds him, "You know how sometimes
 the electricity goes out at night and..."
 
"Am I fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off.
 
This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers
"yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if
he answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING
BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 8's FIT HER.
 
There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained
disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives
unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives
will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know
whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.
 
Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store
called "SIZE 2," in which all garments, including those that were
originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the
words "SIZE 2." I'll bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd
probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some
philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of
professional lawn mower racing.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Feb 1999 07:35:57 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Which Gender??? (off. to both)
 
A man who had previously been a sailor, and was now an "academic"
was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He
often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer
that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first
was comprised of women and the second of men. Each group was asked
to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the
feminine gender or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4
reasons for their recommendation.
 
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred
to in the masculine gender because:
 
 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless;
 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time
    they are the problem;
 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
    waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

 
The men, on the other hand, concluded that Computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender because:
 
 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic;
 2. The native language they use to communicate with other
    computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
    later retrieval;
 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
    spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Feb 1999 07:45:56 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Wizard Of Oz
 
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off
they spin to OZ.  After threatening trials and tribulations, they
finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great
Wizard.
 
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?
 WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
 
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:  "I had a terrible time with
Iran, so I've come for some courage."
 
"NO PROBLEM" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
 
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a
brain."
 
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?"
 
Up steps George Bush sadly; "I'm told by the American people
that I need a heart."
 
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE," says the Wizard.  "CONSIDER IT DONE."
 
Then there is a great silence.  Bill Clinton is just standing
there, looking around, not saying a word.
 
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE
EMERALD CITY?"
 
"Is Dorothy around?"
                    ********************
 
  Dorothy: "How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?"
Scarecrow: "I don't know. But some people without brains
            do an awful lot of talking, don't they?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Feb 1999 10:52:26 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Aborted..
 
A lady came out of a supermarket and dropped her package
containing one bottle of ketchup and twoeggs.
 
A drunk came over and said, "Don't worry, lady. He wouldn't
have lived anyway. His eyes are too far apart!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Feb 1999 09:24:51 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Friar Tuck (Pun) & A Correction
 
Anna Smith from sympatico sure would like for us to share this.
 
Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night
celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated. And then
Friar Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each drink.
 
Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the
band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him
into the river, but the song lingered on.
 
The moral of the story?
 
You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.
 
               --from Norm Gilbert
                 Via International Save the Pun Foundation
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
               (from The Movie Quiz)
 
What H.G. Wells science fiction story speculated about the
possibility of Seattle being covered by a giant tidal wave?
TWENTY THOUSAND GEEKS BENEATH THE SEA
 
          --from Gary Hallock
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Of course you meant Jules Verne...
 
          --from Scott E. Patrick
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Well they can't all be GEMS but some could be JULES! This is what
comes of writing late into the night and not proofreading the next
morning. This was scripted at the last minute for the TV show and
wasn't really meant to be published. At any rate I trust you'll
repair it for me to prevent any future faux passages. All's well
that ends WELLS.
 
          --from Gary Hallock
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Feb 1999 11:35:57 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Green Pills, Blue Pills, Red Pills
 
After giving the woman a full medical examination, the doctor
explained his prescription as he wrote it out. "Take the green pill
with a glass of water after getting up. Take the blue pill with a
glass of water after lunch. Then, before going to bed, take the red
pill with another glass of water."
 
"Exactly what is my problem, doctor?" the woman asked.
 
"You're not drinking enough water," he said.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Feb 1999 14:11:52 EST
From:    Randy Brent <Rb714@AOL.COM>
Subject: More Mr/Mrs Bigger
 
Q: If mr bigger and mrs bigger had a baby, and mr bigger died..
   who would be bigger mrs bigger or the baby?
 
A: Mrs bigger... she'd be a widow bigger!!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Feb 1999 19:06:06 Z
From:    _ <Jaap.Vandersijp@KCA-DRILLING.CO.UK>
Subject: Doggone rabbit
 
A friend told me that the other day her dog had come home with
a dead rabbit. On closer inspection she realised it was the
neighbours pet rabbit! Shocked she wondered what to do, and after
many pangs of guilt decided to clean-up the rabbit and put it back
in its hutch under cover of darkness. She hoped the owner would
think the animal had died from the cold.
 
The next evening her neighbour came around and said: "I found my
rabbit in the hutch, dead."
 
"That's terrible!", my friend replied.
 
"Yes, but the strange thing is", the neighbour went on, "that it
 had died last week and I had buried it. Now it was back in the
 hutch, all clean..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Feb 1999 21:48:48 +0200
From:    Alar ''The Joker'' <alar14@MAIL.EE>
Subject: Today - 4 years ago... adult joke - offensive to milkmen?
 
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the
future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was
heard to finish, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless
Grandma, goodbye Grandpa."
 
The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
 
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma."  The next day his poor
grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she
never felt a thing.
 
A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God
bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy."
 
His father panicked.  He had himself driven, very carefully and
slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he
hired.  He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those
words, "Goodbye Daddy."  He finally came home early, but very
carefully.  He was met at the front door by his wife, who said,
"What do you think happened today, dear?  The most awful thing -
the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."
 
               --from Dennis VanArsdale 16 Feb 1995
                 originally posted: giggles@ipe.cc.VT.EDU
 
 
http://jokes.fun.ee/
http://fun.ee/win/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Feb 1999 03:54:01 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Letter to a bank manager
 
My dear Bank Manager,
 
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the
cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour
it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that
brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by
way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank.
 
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on
the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be
blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my
affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and
conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes.
 
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am
confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose
only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan
repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be by automatic
withdrawal, but will arrive at your bank by personal cheque,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your
branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an
offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
envelope.
 
Please find attached an Application for Contact Status which I
require your chosen employee to complete.  I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as
your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a
Notary, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings
with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required
to access my account balance on your phonebank service.
 
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
 
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to
my new telephone system, which you will notice is very much like
yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with
whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and be
answered by an automated voice. By pressing the buttons on the
phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:
   1)  to make an  appointment to see me,
   2)  to query a missing repayment,
   3) to make a general complaint or inquiry,
and so on. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service. While this may on
occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration. This month I have chosen a refrain from The Best of Woody
Guthrie:
          Oh the banks are made of marble
          With a guard at every door
          And the vaults are filled with silver
          That the miners sweated for!
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know
it by heart.
 
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank
has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency
comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass
on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
 
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me.
This I will read for a fee of  15 per A4 page. Inquiries from
your nominated contact will be billed at  5 per minute of my
time spent in response.  
 
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.
My new phone number service runs at 50 pence per minute (even Woody
Guthrie doesn't come free), so keep your inquiries brief and to the
point.
 
Regrettably, but again following your example, I  must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
 
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New
Year.
 
Your humble client.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Feb 1999 10:26:02 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Who is Bigger? - Part 2/2 <clean>
 
Part 2
 
It was tragic that Mr Bigger got into an accident and he passed
away leaving behind his wife, his son Mike. Mrs Bigger subsequently
met a new man; dashing and caring towards both of them.  The best
part was that this man bore the same surname as her ex-husband
which was "BIGGER". She decided to marry him.
 
The question: WHO IS BIGGER? Is it Mrs Bigger, Mike Bigger or the
new man in Mrs Bigger's life - the new Mr Bigger?
 
Answer: Mrs Bigger - She is now "twice" Bigger.
 
               And a fact:-
 
If you answered Part 1 correctly, your IQ is of Mensa standard.
 
If you answered Part 2 correctly, your IQ is above average and
could run a country!!
 
Lastly, if you have both the answers wrong...
Congratulations! You are normal!
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Feb 1999 to 19 Feb 1999
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