HUMOR Digest - 17 Feb 1999 to 18 Feb 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 477 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Humorist Signs - 4 of 4
  2. Countrymen <off. to Mexicans and Scots>
  3. Gynecology Conference <adult>
  4. The Movies
  5. Advice Column About Pregnancy <adult>
  6. Somewhat funny comments & questions about contemporary life
  7. National Kraut Week <just plain dumb>
  8. New AOL Policy (May be offensive to those involved)
  9. My Brother
 10. Who is Bigger? - Part 1/2 <clean>
 
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Date:    Wed, 17 Feb 1999 03:04:08 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Humorist Signs - 4 of 4
 
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Ruled by Saturn; Symbol - The Goat
Notables: Richard M. Nixon, J. Edgar Hoover, Mao Tse-tung
 
Capricorn people like to lead, like to be respected, & just love
to enjoy any social status they can attain.  One disadvantage of
these goats is their stubbornness, and step-by-step only methods.
Their diets are varied, but they'll eat just about anything.
 
The Capricorn contributor is the bureaucrat par excellence of any
humor list.  They're more concerned with the rules than the humor.
                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
 
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Ruled by Uranus; Symbol - The Water Bearer
Notables: W.C. Fields, Zsa Zsa Gabor, James Joyce, Oprah Winfrey
 
Aquarius' ability to count and plan is low. Humor & creativity are
the main points which make them stand out. The Egyptians believed
that Aquarius caused the Nile to flood. Aquarius people are often
chatterboxes and their phone lines are always busy.
 
Left to their own devices, an Aquarius person will submit 10-20
(or more) jokes daily; they have no concept of post line limits.
                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
 
Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20)
Ruled by Neptune; Symbol - The Fish
Notables: John Foster Dulles, John Steinbeck, Thomas Wolfe
 
This is the 12th and last sign in the Zodiac. They and generally
very unrealistic and their self-image is blurred. Constellation
was named by the Romans who thought it resembled two fish which
were connected by a ribbon -- a fisherman's catch.
 
Thus, most posts by Pisces people stink, even though they thought
everyone would shower them with congratulatory e-mails.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Admin Note: Another new service for all members has been added.
            It's our own personal UGA "club" in Yahoo:
                http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ugahumorlist
            The club has a Message Board, chat, calendar and
            photo area.  All areas are awaiting your input.
            Help is found at: http://help.yahoo.com/help/clubs/
 
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Date:    Wed, 17 Feb 1999 12:22:01 +0200
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: Countrymen <off. to Mexicans and Scots>
 
Q. Why are there no Olympic champions in Mexico?
A. Because any Mexican who can jump, run or swim is already
   in the USA.
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q. What is the definition of Scotland?
A. A place where men are men and sheep are nervous.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Feb 1999 06:27:41 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Gynecology Conference <adult>
 
In the middle of a gynecology conference, an English and a French
gynecologist are discussing various cases they have recently
treated.
 
The French gynecologist said, "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh
came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - et was like a melon!"
 
The English gynecologist replied, "Don't be absurd, it could not
have been that big, my good man, she could not have been able to
walk if it was."
 
To which the French gynecologist responded, "Aaah, you Eenglish,
zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng
about ze flavour."
 
          --thanks to Steve Kilbride
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Feb 1999 07:18:07 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Movies
 
A top movie producer was discussing his new project, an action
docudrama about famous composers staring several top stars
including Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Van Damme. As the producers
really desired the box office 'Oomph' of these three, they were
prepared to allow them to select which famous composers they wanted
to portray.
 
Well," started Stallone, I've always admired Mozart. I would love
to play him."
 
"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, "I'll play
 him."
 
The producers were delighted. "Sounds splendid but who do you want
to be, Arnold?"
 
Arnold replies: "I'll be Bach."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Feb 1999 08:00:00 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Advice Column About Pregnancy <adult>
 
(Prior permission received for Longer-than-normal Joke Post)
 
 
          Advice Column: PREGNANCY
 
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband
     wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he
     doesn't wear anything at all.
 
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly
     when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
 
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
 
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is
     A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
 
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby
     will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should
     I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
 
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
 
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
 
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose,
     and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have
     a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
 
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even
     my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller
     during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
 
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go
     to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
 
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers
     smile at me. Why?
A. Because you're fatter then they are.
 
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
     sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dipshit?
 
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
 
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of
     pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband
     and another woman.
 
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant
     woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows
     what's good for him.
 
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
     during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be
     called an air current.
 
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
 
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
     while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
 
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will
     see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, oderlies,
     photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
 
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
 
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
 
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
 
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink
     her plans to nurse.
 
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra.
     It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
 
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
 
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
 
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see
     a new mother's breasts.
 
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby
     from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
 
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after
     they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest,
     in the event of global chemical warfare.
 
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
 
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
 
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
 
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother
     dreams she's pregnant again.
 
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife
     begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
 
          --via Ilmar Saar
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Feb 1999 11:46:57 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Somewhat funny comments & questions about
         contemporary life
 
This Y2K thing should have been called MM. I could have understood
that.
 
If I overpay my credit card bill, will the bank pay me 21 percent
interest?
 
Could they throw my butt in jail for shouting "movie" in a crowded
firehouse?
 
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing
together, setting my pantyhose on fire.
 
Country song writer must have only three experiences in life: They
lose their girlfriends, they fall in love with their best friend's
wife or their dog dies.
 
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
 
Church billboard: "No ice cream. Just great Sundays."
 
Definition of job security: Copy machine repairman.
 
In my marriage, "We need to talk" means, "You need to listen."
 
I'm moving to Alpharetta. Does this mean I have to buy a tennis
dress to wear to the grocery store?
 
How ironic that the sortest sentence is "I am," and the longest
sentence is "I do."
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Feb 1999 16:38:42 -0600
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: National Kraut Week <just plain dumb>
 
This is National Kraut Week, sponsored by the kraut makers in an
effort to stir up a little excitement about kraut.
 
Kraut is not one of America's favorite foods. Baskin Robbins has
never featured Kraut Sherbet as its Flavor of the Month.
 
It is still impossible to buy artificially flavored kraut Jell-O.
 
There is no kraut Jelly Belly.
 
Not one Mexican restaurant serves flat tortillas piled high with
krautamole.
 
In other words, folks, if National Kraut Week is to succeed, you
have to pitch in, hold your nose, and give it all you've got.
 
 
          --from HaNews
            http://www.flash.net/~comedy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Feb 1999 18:50:56 -0500
From:    Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: New AOL Policy (May be offensive to those involved)
 
For those of you unfamiliar, America Online has adopted some new
policies. Here are some of their new reminder messages which pop up
frequently, depending on your level of use.
 
 1. You have been online for 46 minutes.  Do you want to stay
    online? Please respond within 10 minutes or you will be logged
    off.
 
 2. You have been online for 92 minutes?  Do you still want to stay
    online?  Please respond within 10 minutes or you will be logged
    off.
 
 3. You have been online for 135 minutes?  Not to put any pressure
    on you, but there are other people in the world who would like
    to sign on.
 
 4. You DO realize that you have been online for 184 minutes,
    right? When was the last time that you stood up or went
    outside?
 
 5. OK, this is getting ridiculous!  You have been online for 240
    minutes.  Frankly, you are beginning to piss us off.  If you
    sign off now, we will bring back your buddy list, OK?
 
 6. You have now been online for 360 minutes.  We promised you
    unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up now and
    go read a good book?  Books are good too 'ya know !!!!!!
 
 7. You have been online for 467 minutes.  Do you remember your
    family members' names?  And no, they are NOT "hubby01" and
    "rugrats2,3,4,"
 
 8. You have been online for 513 minutes.  Your spouse has called
    from Motel Six and your dog is starving.  Do you wish to remain
    online?
 
 9. You have been online for 724 minutes.  Steve Case is coming
    over to personally kick your butt.  Pizza Hut has deliveried
    twice now.
 
10. You have been online for 852 minutes.  Do you have ANY idea how
    many HOURS that is?  You work less hours at your REAL job then
    this.  (640 minutes)
 
11. You have been online for 921 minutes.  Do you realize that
    America Online averages 921 complaints per hour regarding BUSY
    phone lines. That is because of YOU!!  Now log off and go to
    bed!!
 
12. You have been online for 1000 minutes.  When AOL went
    unlimited, we didn't think you would take us literally.  Now
    hang up!!!!! Even Alexander G. Bell slept, sometime.
 
13. You have been online since yesterday. We have taken the right
    to log you OFF.  Techs are in route to your house to remove the
    phone line.  Your $19.95 unlimited month fee is refunded.
    Please dont call us, we'll call you. We appreciate your
    business.
 
          --from Frank Begert
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Feb 1999 17:15:53 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: My Brother
 
I think my brother is crazy. All day long he makes lines of chick
peas, black-eyed peas, english peas, and crowder peas. Then he just
sits there and looks at them. When I asked him why, he said he was
just...  minding his peas in queues.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Feb 1999 09:37:00 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Who is Bigger? - Part 1/2 <clean>
 
There is a man whose surname is Bigger.  His name was John and he
was  known as Mr John Bigger. Mr Bigger met a gorgeous lady, Lucy
and decided to marry her. They soon have a kid and they named him
Mikky.
 
The question: Who is bigger of the three?
              Is it Mr Bigger, Mrs Bigger or Mikky???
 
  The Answer: Mikky - because he is a "little" Bigger...
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Feb 1999 to 18 Feb 1999
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