HUMOR Digest - 16 Feb 1999 to 17 Feb 1999
There are 14 messages totalling 862 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Valentine's Day Update: For Men only
  2. Let Me Take a Picture
  3. Tea, But Not For Thee (clean)
  4. Least Popular Candy Heart Sayings
  5. Ways To Be Offensive At A Wedding
  6. Kids Say The Darndest Things...
  7. Then and Now
  8. LA
  9. Definitions
 10. Semi-bitter comments & questions about impeachment, etc.
 11. A Real Cowboy
 12. Thoughts on marriage <bound to offend someone>
 13. Blasphemy! <adult,religiously off'ive>
 14. The Wallet
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Feb 1999 03:12:18 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Valentine's Day Update: For Men only
 
The Catholic Encyclopedia states: "The late medieval custom of
sending love notes on Valentine's Day probably stems from the
belief that it marked the mating season of birds". This tidbit
is further verified by a 14th century verse written by none
other than Geoffrey Chaucer:
   "For this was sent on Saint Valentine's Day.
    When every fowl comes there to choose his mate."
 
So see guys, we've been right all along -- Valentine's Day is
definitely for the birds. If you're in big trouble because you
didn't send any card(s), flowers, candy or gifts, dazzle your
S.O. with one or more or the following verifiable facts:
 
1) The historical facts of Valentines's Day stem from ancient
   Rome's "Feast of Lupercus".  It was a pagan feast day where
   flowers and gifts were presented to a deity to protect the
   livestock from the wolves that wandered about in Rome.
2) There actually was a Pope Valentine.  But I'm afraid his
   papacy lasted only 40 days.  He is remembered for being the
   most "liberal" of the Popes.
3) A fellow named Valentinus almost became a Pope also, but he
   and his followers were denounced as heretics by the Church.
   Their beliefs included the use of a "Bridal Chamber" which
   symbolized the unification of opposites.
4) In 269 AD, the holiday encompassed a celebration to the
   Goddess "Febris" (feverish love).
5) The feast day for Saint Valentine was dropped from the
   Liturgical calendar in 1969.
 
How does all this help ?  Easy !!!  Simply tell her that you:
 
- refuse to recognize a pagan ritual for cows
- are offended by the reference to "birds" (an offensive term
  for women in England) and it should bother her also
- know Valentine's roots are sexual, and you would far rather
  celebrate her mind and not her body or sexuality
- feel feverish love is hardly ever the basis for a long-term
  relationship, which you would much prefer
- can say you respect the Church's decision to downplay/downgrade
  the physical side of love to concentrate on its deeper meanings
 
Trust me on this one, women just love the above kinda... er, logic.
Hell, who knows ???  They may even think that you're "intuitively
sensitive" and for reasons unknown to any man alive, that seems to
turn them on something fierce. Don't forget to look sincere, hear ?
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Feb 1999 12:36:56 +0530
From:    "RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/WRO" <NIKHILRAO@ICICI.COM>
Subject: Let Me Take a Picture
 
On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to 
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and
wearing her beautiful robe.
 
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can 
open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he
is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are
so beautiful, let me take your picture.
 
Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"
 
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my
heart forever."
 
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the
bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife
asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
 
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my,
let me get a picture."
 
He beams and asks, "Why?"
 
She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Feb 1999 11:43:08 +0200
From:    "Dr. And Demir" <and.demir@KIDSCLINIC.INET.FI>
Subject: Tea, But Not For Thee (clean)
 
Here is another fine recipe from our ever-growing stockpile of
submissions on the question: "What is the proper way to make a cup
of tea?" Investigator Ezra Bob Tanenbaum gives the specifications
for constructing Bachelor Tea (American Style):
 
Ingredients:
* One Brand Name or No Frills Tea bag. (Absolutely no Herbal).
* One cup of HOT water.
* A couple spoons of sugar.
 
Take any two of the above ingredients and combine in a Styrofoam
cup. Authentic bachelor tea is NEVER made with all three
ingredients. When making bachelor tea with tea, the tea bag should
be taken out of the cup and left on the back of the sink to be
aged for the next batch. Makes one serving (of course).
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Feb 1999 05:46:16 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Least Popular Candy Heart Sayings (fwd)
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                       February 16, 1999
 
   NOTE FROM CHRIS: You know those little pastel candy hearts
    that taste like powder and have moronic sayings on them?
     Ever wonder about the sayings they decided NOT to use?
 
          The Top 13 Least Popular Candy Heart Sayings
 
13> STD FREE
 
12> UR A WEASEL
 
11> BE OURS
 
10> SOY BOMB
 
 9> TONGUE ME
 
 8> BE MY INTERN
 
 7> LOVE??  WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, "LOVE"?  I SPEND 12 HOURS
    A DAY CARVING THESE STUPID SAYINGS ON THESE STUPID HEARTS
    AND YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT LOVE?!?
 
 6> HAIRY CHEST
 
 5> I STALK U
 
 4> ASS FLAVORED!
 
 3> GOT CRABS?
 
 2> R THOSE REAL?
 
 and Topfive.com's Number 1 Least Popular Candy Heart Saying...
 
 1> VIAGRA 100MG
 
  
   [           This list copyright 1999 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Feb 1999 06:23:13 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Ways To Be Offensive At A Wedding
 
 1. Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.
 2. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching
    the bouquet.
 3. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a
    dog.
 4. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change
    operation.
 5. Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that
    you used to be a proctologist.
 6. Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift
    certificate for  a drug rehab clinic.
 7. As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.
 8. Ask the bride's mother to give you a hand job.
 9. Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of
    sperm.
10. Propose a toast to the bride's nose job.
11. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who
    they came from.
12. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.
13. After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting,
    "Throw your bra, throw your bra..."
14. Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep
    him from backing out.
15. Tell the rabbi that there's no money to pay him, and ask if
    he'll settle for stupping the bride.
16. Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "hung like a
    horse."
17. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.
18. If there's a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell him that he has
    to wear one yarmukle on his head and another on his hump.
19. When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out
    of the way and start playing, "The Lady is a Tramp."
20. Instead of paying to dance with the bride in the "Dollar
    Dance", ask her for a lap dance like she did last Friday.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Feb 1999 07:06:34 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Kids Say The Darndest Things...
  
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of
Yuma,  AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord,
please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
   A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed
the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on
the wrong feet."
   He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me,
Mom, I KNOW they're my feet."
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
   I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son
ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea
gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the
little boy asked.
   "He died and went to Heaven," I replied.
   My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back
down?"
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
   After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I
grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the
pastor replied, "but why?"
   "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've
ever had."
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
   My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?"
   "I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
   "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.
   Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth
did I invite all these people to dinner?"
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
   A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2
boy kittens & 2 girl kittens.
   "How did you know?" his mother asked.
   "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I
think it's printed on the bottom."
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
   On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If
anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
   A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that
help?"
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
   A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and
began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal
crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?"
his mother asked.
   "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy
explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Can people predict the future with cards? My mother can. Really?
Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will
happen when my father gets home.
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
   A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read,
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the
city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
   His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
   "Where's the English Channel?"
   "I don't know our television doesn't pick it up.
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
When my daughter Kasey learned to write in 1st and 2nd grades, she
used to love filling out applications. She had filled out a job
application to be a fire station employee, and had left it laying
on the table. I took at look at it... the typical questions and
answers:
 
 Name: Kasey Crowder
 Address: our address
 Phone: our phone #
 Height: her best estimation
 Weight: her best estimation
 Blood Type: warm
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was
reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said,
"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email. AMEN"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Feb 1999 07:44:09 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Then and Now (fwd)
 
          New concerns for the Boomer generation:
 
Then: Long hair
 Now: Longing for hair
 
Then: A keg
 Now: A ekg
 
Then: Acid rock
 Now: Acid reflux
 
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
 Now: Moving to California because it's hot.
 
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
 Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids
 
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
 Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
 
Then: Seeds and stems
 Now: Roughage
 
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
 Now: Popping joints
 
Then: The President's struggle with Fidel
 Now: The President's struggle with fidelity
 
Then: Paar
 Now: AARP
 
Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
 Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine
 
Then: Killer weed
 Now: Weed killer
 
Then: Hoping for a BMW
 Now: Hoping for a BM
 
Then: The Grateful Dead
 Now: Dr. Kevorkian
 
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
 Now: Getting a new hip joint
 
          --from the Rev. Walt Snyder
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Feb 1999 05:09:02 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: LA
 
          How to Tell When You're In Los Angeles:
 
Your coworker tells you s/he has 8 body piercings: none are
visible.
 
You make over $250,000.  And still can't afford a house.
 
You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a
conversation in English.
 
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring
and is named "Breeze."  And your friends still need to know if the
teacher, a member of the local Republican committee, is male or
female.
 
If you speak about "urban transit," you're besieged by attractive
young women who want to "channel."
 
You can't remember... is pot illegal?
 
You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a
sperm donor.
 
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
And you know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest
arugula.
 
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
 
You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits, a fab
exercise facility and tofu takeout.
 
You're thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide
between aroma therapy, conversational mandarin or screening erotic
web sites.
 
A man walks on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless
chaps.  You don't notice.
 
A woman walks on the bus with live poultry.  You don't notice.
 
You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting
from the Midwest.  You know that any woman with a George Clooney
haircut is not a tourist.
 
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is into BDSM and your Mary Kay Cosmetic Lady is
someone in drag.
 
          -forwarded from Hghoser@aol.com
           adapted by JK; original poster unknown
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Feb 1999 08:30:21 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Definitions
 
Antacid        ant-ass'-id:        Uncle Acid's wife
 
Antelope       ant'-a-lope:        How she married my Uncle.
 
Arbitrator     ar'-bi-tray-ter:    A cook that leaves Arby's
                                   to work at McDonald's.
 
Avoidable      uh-voy'-duh-buhl:   What a bullfighter tries to do.
 
Baloney        buh-lo'-nee:        Where some hemlines fall
 
Bernadette     burn'-a-det:        The act of torching a mortgage
 
Burglarize     bur'-gler-ize:      What a crook sees with
 
Control        kon-trol':          A short, ugly inmate
 
Counterfeiters  kown-ter-fit-ers:  Workers who put together kitchen
                                   cabinets
 
Eclipse        i-klips':           what an English barber does for
                                   a living
 
Eyedropper     i'-drop-ur:         a clumsy ophthalmologist
 
Heroes         hee'-rhos:          what a guy in a boat does
 
Left Bank      left' bangk:        what the robber did when
                                   his bag was full of loot
 
Misty          mis'-tee:           How golfers create divots
 
Paradox        par'-u-doks:        two physicians
 
Parasites      par'-uh-sites:      what you see from the top of
                                   the Eiffel Tower.
 
Pharmacist     farm'-uh-sist:      a helper on the farm
 
Polarize       po'-lur-ize:        what penguins see with
 
Primate        pri'-mat:           removing your spouse
                                   from in front of the TV
 
Relief         ree-leef':          what trees do in the spring
 
Rubberneck     rub'-er-nek:        what you do to relax your wife
 
Seamstress     seem'-stres:        describes 250 pounds in a size
                                   six
 
Selfish        sel'-fish:          what the owner of a seafood
                                   store does

Subdued        sub-dood':          like, a guy, like, works on one
                                   of those, like, submarines, man
 
Sudafed        sood'-a-fed:        bringing litigation against
                                   a government official
 
          --via LQQk2aStar and Aiken Drum
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Feb 1999 10:01:44 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Semi-bitter comments & questions about impeachment, etc.
 
My mother-in-law says President Clinton is a victim of
"entrampment."
 
Paula Jones might have had a better chance had she filed suit
against the zipper manufacturer.
 
The worst thing about Bob Barr is that he's giving the rest of us
Bobs a bad name.
 
Will Rogers said "I never met a man I didn't like". Of course he
never met Bob Barr
 
Hey Barr, who are you going to try to impeach now? The Pope? It
look as if he is wearing his robes a little too short. Shame,
shame!!!
 
I'm glad the President was acquitted of those ridiculous
impeachment charges, because now I can go back to not liking him.
 
Democrats' motto: Our minds are made up. Don't confuse us with
facts.
 
Two things I never want to see again: Ken Starr's dimples and
Monica's embrace.
 
Am I the only one who thinks the impeachment trial was a left-wing
conspiracy to make the Republicans look bad?
 
I read that Bob Barr was "deeply honored" that Tom DeLay had named
him as an assistant whip. Will he now be called Cool Whip Barr or
Whip Cream Barr?
 
Warning: Do not contact your senator. Jury tampering is a felony.
 
Bob Barr brings to mind the Old Testament prophecy, "He shall slay
them with the jawbone of an ass."
 
When Republicans attack Bill Clinton, it's called "Politics of
Personal Destruction." When Larry Flynt attacks Republicans, it's
called "Business as Usual."
 
What will we call the Double 0s, in the decade of the year 2000?
Since the number is pronounced "naught," how about the "naughties,
in honor of Bill Clinton?
 
The president should be allowed to finish his term... chaperoned
and neutered.
 
For the Senate to depose witnesses to keep the House managers from
looking like fools is like enrolling Monica in a convent to keep
her from looking like a bimbo.
 
The Republicans, drunk with power for several years, have started
to sober up and are now wondering if the voters will respect them
in the morning.
 
A friend from Australia, commenting on the Washington mess, said he
was glad they got the convicts and we got the Puritans.
 
I didn't watch the Clinton impeachment trial. When is the
miniseries starting?
 
I don't particularly like Ken Starr and what he stands for, but I
can't help but feel some affection for him because he looks so much
like my old pal, Mr. Potato Head.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Feb 1999 12:05:48 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: A Real Cowboy
 
An old cowboy - dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,
spurs and chaps - went to a bar and ordered a drink.  As he sat
there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After
she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are
you a real cowboy?"
 
To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch,
herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am."
 
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've
never been on a ranch.  I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day
thinking about women.  I get up in the morning thinking of women,
when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything makes me think of women."
 
A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
 
"I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that
 I'm a lesbian."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Feb 1999 15:29:45 -0600
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Thoughts on marriage <bound to offend someone>
 
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other
person has, you wish you had ordered that.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
   At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
   The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
   After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a
fool when I married you."
   She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next
day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
   The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said,
"I've found a man just like father!"
   Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
   A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?"
   And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
           man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
      Dad: That happens in every country, son.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
         Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
   A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire."
   "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
   The woman replied, "A billionaire."
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
   During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if
you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could
fire the maid."
   The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn
how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is
that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to
around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of
attention.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Husband: Want a quickie?
   Wife: As opposed to what?
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
- How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
  laundry done free.
 
- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
  forget it once.
 
- Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
  parachute.
 
- Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
  was until I got married; and then it was too late."
 
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
  street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
  beautiful.
 
- When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than
  to let her keep him.
 
- Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
  Europe.  --Jackie Mason
 
- Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
 
- The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you
  never get to prove it.
 
- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
  Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
 
- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
  every word you say, talk in your sleep.
 
- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
  thinking they had no faults at all.
 
- You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go
  out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
 
-According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married
 men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
 
          --from Kathleen Harders
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Feb 1999 09:24:56 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Blasphemy! <adult,religiously off'ive>
 
The Pope is having a shower. Although he is very strict about the
celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to empty his scrotal
sacs, and this is one of these occasions.
 
Just as he shoots his load, he sees a photographer taking a picture
of the holy seed flying through the air.
 
"Hold on a minute" says the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll
 destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."
 
"This picture is my lottery win" says the photographer. "I'll be
 financially secure for life."
 
So the Pope offers to buy the camera off the photographer, and
after lots of negotiation they eventually arrive at a figure of two
million dollars (US).
 
The Pope then dries himself off, and heads off with his new camera.
He meets his housekeeper, who spots the camera. "That looks like a
really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost you?"
 
"Two million DOLLARS" replies the Pope.
 
"TWO MILLION DOLLARS !!!!!?????" says the housekeeper, "They must
 have seen you coming!!"
 
          -from Jason Stone
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Feb 1999 21:17:53 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Wallet
 
An extremely red-faced man stormed into the tiny shop on the corner
of Lingot and Main. Pushing his way past the assorted browsers, he
bore down on the sales counter like a Scud missile.
 
The lone clerk regarded him with some trepidation.
 
I want to speak to the manager,'' he demanded.
 
"I'm sorry Sir, Mr. Mowbray isn't in today. Is there anything I can
help you with?"
 
"You're damn right there is," he sputtered, his anger gushing out
like urine in a pub. He reached into his pants pocket, extracted a
tattered wallet and slammed it down on the counter.
 
"I bought this piece of shit here only two months ago and now look
at it. It's falling apart. Forty-nine ninety-five it cost me!
Forty-nine ninety-five," he added for more emphasis. "Can you
believe that?" His face was getting redder.
 
The clerk wasn't sure what to say to him. She only hoped the top of
his head stayed put.
 
She picked up the wallet and examined it. "Yes, Sir, it certainly
isn't in very good shape. And you say you've only had it for two
months?"
 
"That's what I said. Two months and it falls apart. And you know
what else?"
 
"No," she answered cautiously. "What?"
 
"It isn't even leather. You ripped me off. It looks like leather,
feels like leather, even smells like it. But I'll be damned if it
is. And you charge me almost fifty dollars for it."  He was
sputtering badly now. "That's highway robbery and I don't intend to
let you get away with it."
 
"Well... what exactly are you looking for?"
 
"I want my money back, every cent of it."
 
"Do you have your receipt?"
 
He opened the wallet and produced the slip. She examined it.
 
"I'm afraid there's nothing I can do."
 
The top of his head seemed to rise above his crimson ears.  What
do you mean?  he bellowed. "I have my receipt, the goods were
defective and I want restitution. Do you understand?"
 
"Yes, of course I understand but as I just told you, there's
nothing I can do."  She was more confident now.
 
"What kind of store is this? I buy something in good faith and when
it falls apart prematurely you refuse to give me satisfaction. Is
that the kind of operation you're running?"
 
"It's not that simple Sir. We are indeed a reputable firm but in
this case, well... I'm sorry."
 
His sputtering had shifted into high gear and he was showering the
clerk with spit.  "Sorry... sorry? That's all? Perhaps you'd
explain just why you insist on treating me like this."
 
She pointed to the receipt. "Did you read the fine print?''
 
He was dumbfounded.  "What fine print?"
 
"Here, just below the total." She pointed to it like a teacher in a
class of maddeningly slow learners. "See," she said, "All Sales Are
Vinyl."
 
          -by Terry Morrison
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Feb 1999 to 17 Feb 1999
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