HUMOR Digest - 15 Feb 1999 to 16 Feb 1999
There are 13 messages totalling 699 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Humorist Signs - 3 of 4
  2. If Women...
  3. Valentine's Funnies...
  4. Jewish Telegram
  5. Church Music
  6. Genie Joke
  7. Poor Chelsea <adult situation>
  8. Some needed advice
  9. Clinton Quote
 10. Lewinsky Subpoenaed to Re-Blow President
 11. The Rhyming Season <adult>
 12. E-Mail Errors...
 13. In The News - Humorous News Quips
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Feb 1999 03:50:42 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Humorist Signs - 3 of 4
 
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
Ruled by Venus; Symbol - The Scales
Notables: Emily Post, Eleanor Roosevelt, Barbara Walters
 
The only sign of the Zodiac that doesn't represent a living thing.
Libra's is a balance scale. Hence their behavior. They view every-
thing in terms of pros or cons. They are great believers in lists
and love large menus.
 
Libras submit jokes where the set-up is equal to the punch line;
most Libras therefore can't stand puns or one-liners.
                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
 
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
Ruled by Pluto; Symbol - The Scorpion
Notables: Prince Charles, Count Dracula, Doctor Jekyll, King Kong
 
Their constellation contains the star Antmes, which shines with a
fiery-red light (the source of their poison). They never give up
in doing anything. A Scorpio is very patient and will lie in wait
for their prey a very long time.
 
A Scorpio person will send-in lots of jokes where something dies.
They love dark or evil humor, the bloodier, the better.
                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
 
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Ruled by Jupiter; Symbol - The Archer
Notables: Billy the Kid, Sammy Davis Jr, Jane Fonda, Harpo Marx
 
People under Sagittarius, the Archers, love what is honest and
frank. They are very open, and will express anything in their
minds freely and explicitly. In idle conversation, never ask a
Sagittarius what they think about anything -- they'll tell you !
 
Sagittarius people contribute the most explicit sexual jokes
on a humor list. They know & use all of the four letter words.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Feb 1999 07:06:31 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: If Women...
 
                     If women ruled the world

 * Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
 * PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
 * Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
 * Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding
   wedding rings in their pocket.
 * A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply
   because he is breathing.
 * Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard
   would increase by 30 pounds.
 * Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
 * "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring
    scantily clad male models.
 * Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two
   hours of bedtime.
 * Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as
   hard for none of the credit.
 * Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".
 * Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap
   operas.
 * Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles because there
   would be no pictures.
 * Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're
   beautiful" and "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit".
 * Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their
   accomplishments.
 * Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
 * Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
 * All toilet seats would be nailed down.
 * Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their
   careers.
 * TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
 * All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
 * During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women
   would date 19 year olds.
 * Overweight men would have their weight brought to their
   attention constantly.
 * After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave
   to wait on their wives hand and foot.
 * For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a
   two-year old for six weeks.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Feb 1999 07:11:50 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Valentine's Funnies...
 
The folks at American Greetings have compiled a list of lines to
use when signing you valentine... depending on your personality
 
Bold - face it, you want me
 
Clever -IOUXOXO
 
Cosmic - Didn't we know each other in another time and place?
 
Dreamy - I never believed in love at first sight until you
 
Enchantress - A valentine spell has been cast on you!
 
Femme Fatale - You cannot escape.  I have ways to make you mine.
 
Athletic - How about a little one-on-one?
 
Musical - Always a love song in my heart for you.
 
No-nonsense - What are you waiting for?
 
Old fashioned - My mother warned me about guys/girls like you.
 
Sarcastic - Hey! I signed the card.  What else do you want?
 
Scientific - The chemistry between us is definitely affirmative.
 
Self-assured - Be my valentine.  "NO" is not an option.
 
Silly - You're hotter than a jalapeno sandwich!
 
Wild Child - You are twisted and slightly dangerous.
             I like that in a person.
 
Worldly - Je t'aime! (translation from French  "I love you")
 
          --thanks to Daryl Hillen
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Feb 1999 11:09:44 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Jewish Telegram
 
"Begin worrying.  Details to follow."
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Feb 1999 13:47:33 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Church Music
 
Leaders of the Evangelical Laodicean Church in Canada last week
announced the publication of a new hymnal. "This is truly a hymnal
for the new century," said Presiding Bishop Luke W. Armm.
 
"This collection of hymns really captures the essence of our
tradition," Bishop Armm explained. "At the core of our belief is
the motto, 'Moderation in all things,' and that applies to our
faith life as well. We just don't like to get carried away."  When
asked if the new hymnal will help the Laodicean Church attract new
members, Bishop Armm replied, "People in today's society get kind
of uncomfortable with too much talk about things like commitment
and dedication. They'd much rather have a religion that they can
turn on or off at will. Our church seeks to meet that need. This
hymnal will help with that, I think."
 
Editor in chief of the new hymnal, Priscilla ("Presh") S. Moment,
explained some of the difficulty the committee had in choosing
hymns. "Many of the old favourites just won't cut it among
Laodiceans," said Moment.  "We had to change a lot of the wording
to make them fit with our style.  We tried to incorporate some new
songs into the book, but we had trouble finding Laodiceans
interested in writing new music."
 
The title of the new hymnal, Church Songs, was chosen very
carefully, explained Moment. "We didn't want to turn anybody off
with threatening words that no one understands any more like
'Worship' or 'Hymn.'" Here is a partial list of titles included
in the new Laodicean hymnal:
 
  A Comfy Swedish Mattress Is Our God
  Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
  All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name!
  Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
  Be Thou My Hobby
  Blest Be the Tie That Doesn't Cramp My Style
  Go Tell it on the Speed Bump
  He's Quite a Bit to Me
  I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviours on Jesus
  I Love to Talk about Telling the Story
  I Surrender Some
  I'm Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
  It Is My Secret What God Can Do
  Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
  Just as I Pretend to Be
  Just as I Am, with Lots of Excuses
  Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
  My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
  My Faith Looks Around for Thee
  O, God, Our Enabler in Ages past
  Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
  Oh, How I like Jesus
  Onward, Christian Reservists
  Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
  Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow
  Self-Esteem to the World! The Lord Is Come
  Sit Up, Sit up for Jesus
  Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere near Me
  Take My Life and Let Me Be
  There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
  There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
  We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
  What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
  When Peace, like a Trickle
  When the Saints Go Drifting in
  Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
 
          --from Greg Keeler
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Feb 1999 15:29:15 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Genie Joke
 
A man walking along a California beach stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
 
The genie said, "Ok, Ok.  You released me from the lamp, blah,
blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month!  I'm getting a
little sick of three wishes, so you can forget about it.  You only
get one wish!"
 
The man thought, and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but
I'm scared to fly and I get seasick.  Could you build me a bridge
to Hawaii so I can drive there?"
 
The genie said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics!  How
would the supports reach the bottom the Pacific?  Think of how much
concrete and steel!  No, think of another wish."
 
The man said OK and though hard.
 
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times.  My
wives always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive.  So I wish
that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what
they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why
they're crying, what they really want when they say 'nothing'...
know how to make them truly happy..."
 
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Feb 1999 16:05:48 -0500
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Poor Chelsea <adult situation>
 
One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the
White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I
am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in
Georgetown and his name is Matt."
 
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to
talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time.
She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in
the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is
actually your half brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."
 
Chelsea was heartbroken. After eight months she eventually started
dating again. A year later she came home & very proudly announced,
"Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June."
 
Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke
the sad news. "Robert is your half brother too, honey. I'm awfully
sorry about this."
 
Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with
the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to
get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells
me the guy is my half brother."
 
Hillary just shook her head."Don't pay any attention to what he
says, dear. He's not really your father.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Feb 1999 18:34:59 -0500
From:    post-delilah-samson <ybrudno@MBHS.EDU>
Subject: Some needed advice
 
- Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
- There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
- Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew.  Your mouth
  is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
- If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try
  orderin'somebody else's dog around.
- If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop
  diggin'.
- Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
- It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of  sheep.
- Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
- Always drink upstream from the herd.Never drop your gun to hug a
  grizzly.
- If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
  and then.
- Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n  puttin'
  it back.
- Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
  important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it
  was.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put
  it back in your pocket.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
- Life in a vacuum sucks.
- When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing;
3.feeding; and 4. mating.
     -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years
and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make
some of the worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices. -- William James
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom
that is in it---and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits
down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid
again---and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a
cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens, American
Writer, 1835-1910)
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs
or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese
couldn't care less.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.  -- F. P. Jones
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their
apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams, "Last Chance to See"
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying
me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a
woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of
the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't
believe?"  -- Quentin Crisp
 
 
http:/www.mbhs.edu/~ybrudno/mailblair.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Feb 1999 17:08:07 -0700
From:    Paul Ruckdashel <bpruck@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Clinton Quote
 
When asked if his wife would run for senate CLINTON responded that
"I believe me and my wife would still like to take part in public
'Affairs."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Feb 1999 19:34:03 -0800
From:    "Todd C. Nessen" <todd@NESSENCONSULTING.COM>
Subject: Lewinsky Subpoenaed to Re-Blow President
 
February, 1999  Lewinsky Subpoenaed to Re-Blow President on Senate
Floor 'We Must Know Exactly What Happened,' Say Legislators
 
WASHINGTON, DC
 
On the heels of last week's decision to allow witness testimony in
the presidential impeachment trial, key witness Monica Lewinsky was
subpoenaed Monday to re-blow President Clinton on the Senate floor.
 
The controversial re-fellating, which, under the terms of the court
order, will involve the full participation of both Lewinsky and the
president, was described by Senate leaders as a "regrettable but
unfortunately very necessary" move.
 
"This trial is not about sex, it's about perjury," Senate Majority
Leader Trent Lott (R-MS) said. "Our job is to determine whether or
not the president lied under oath. Although the Starr Report
contained many detailed descriptions, until we see for ourselves,
with our own eyes, exactly what took place during these secret
rendezvous between the president and Miss Lewinsky, we won't have
all the facts necessary to determine if the president's statements
before the grand jury constituted a crime."
 
In addition to fellatio, Lewinsky and Clinton will be required to
reenact several other key sex acts in which the pair allegedly
engaged, including but not limited to: deep or "French" kissing,
under-the-sweater fondling, and vaginal penetration with various
objects.
 
Responding to outraged Clinton defense lawyers, who denounced the
reenactment as "a blatant attempt on the part of political enemies
of this administration to humiliate the president," chief
prosecutor Rep. Henry Hyde (R-IL) insisted that it is necessary to
ensure a fair trial.
 
"How can we rule objectively in this case without all the details?
Yes, we know that the president inserted a cigar into Miss
Lewinsky's vagina, but just how many inches of it did he manage to
work all the way up inside there?" Hyde asked. "What were their
exact facial expressions at key moments of ecstatic release? To
what extent did Miss Lewinsky's ample bosom bounce to and fro as
she vigorously bobbed her head up and down? Precisely how much of
the president's erect penis was Miss Lewinsky physically able to
force deep into the back of her throat? Was there gagging involved?
Were the president's balls, at any point in the proceedings,
licked? If we do not explore every possible detail of these
shocking improprieties, we will never know the answers to these
vital questions of national security."
 
"If President Clinton has any respect for the Constitution and the
citizens of this nation," Hyde added, "he will cooperate fully in
these proceedings and allow himself to be sucked off with calm,
reserved dignity, without resorting to partisan name-calling.
Nothing less than the very future of our country is at stake."
 
More controversy is expected Friday, when Senate debate is
scheduled to begin on the issue of whether the crucial cocksuckings
will be televised. Though Clinton defense lawyers are fighting to
have the reenactments performed in a closed-door session, most
senators are demanding that they be included in the regular
televised broadcasts of the trial, citing the imperative of the
public's "right to know."
 
"If, as the president says, he is innocent of perjury, with nothing
to hide, he should have no reason to fear providing full disclosure
including full frontal nudity, if necessary before the American
people," Sen. Phil Gramm (R-TX) said. "As elected officials, we
have taken a solemn oath to serve the interests of those we
represent. If we fail to provide the public with the whole truth --
no matter how sordid, depraved, perverse or even vicariously
titillating it may be--we have failed in our duty to the people of
this nation."
 
In the event that television cameras are allowed, as is expected,
complete coverage of the presidential fellating, as well as related
"second-" and "third-base" sex acts, will be aired live on C-SPAN.
Highlight footage of particularly critical segments, such as
genital/anal contact and ejaculation, will also be broadcast on all
the prime-time network newscasts.
 
Due to the enormous public interest in the scandal, as well as the
ease of global dissemination via television and the Internet,
footage of the Senate-floor coupling is expected to rank among the
most widely seen in history, with near-constant re-airings on cable
TV likely to last well beyond the year 2015. Many Americans are
expressing alarm over such a prospect.
 
"How am I supposed to explain to my six-year-old daughter that the
president is fucking some girl's mouth on TV?" asked Lorraine
Sanders, associate director of the What About The Children?
Foundation and a staunch presidential-penis-penetration opponent.
"For God's sake, she's only a child.  An innocent child!"
 
"This trial is not the sort of thing our kids should be exposed
to," said concerned parent Judith LaFleur, who is leading a
campaign to place content-warning labels on federal legislators.
"Watching the president get his cock feverishly sucked is for
mature, responsible adults only."
 
Despite the public outcry, those legislators who are demanding the
re-blowings remain adamant that the proceedings be televised
uncensored and in their entirety, calling it "a matter of ethics."
 
"This may be the most important issue ever faced by Congress in its
210-year history," Hyde said. "We are talking about the possible
removal of the highest elected official in the land, and that is
not the sort of matter that should be trivialized."
  
 
Source: The Onion  
	http://www.theonion.com/onion3504
  
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Feb 1999 09:35:39 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Rhyming Season <adult>
 
A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really
hungry and thirsty too. It was freezing in the house so they both
have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.
 
After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up
with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed. They both think
for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is
four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in
mine".
 
So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four
plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never
know the depth of mine."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Feb 1999 20:10:39 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: E-Mail Errors...
 
As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it's wise to remember how
easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes
unintentionally, with serious consequences.  Consider the case of
the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a
vacation in Florida.  His wife was on a business trip and was
planning to meet him there the next day.  When he reached his
hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
 
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her
e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before.
 
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at
the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a
dead faint.  At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw
this note on the screen:
 
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.  Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
 
          --thanks to Irene Elbe   
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Feb 1999 22:33:47 -0800
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips
 
     In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
               Includes late night humor
 
WARNING: May be offensive to the rich and famous, victims of valium
induced automobile accidents, Chihuahuas and American politicians.
 
Prior to the impeachment vote, Senator Robert Byrd told CNN he
could go either way. The next day he got a dozen roses from Barney
Frank.
 
During arguments, Senator Ted Kennedy became frustrated with the
whole thing. He said, "Why are we here? It's not like he killed a
woman or anything." (Daily Scoop)
 
President Clinton is furious with People magazine for a story on
his daughter. Up until now, there's been an unwritten agreement
between the president and the press - they'll leave his daughter
alone, and he'll leave their daughters alone. (Leno)
 
You can understand Clinton being upset... he's tried very, very
hard never to do anything that would embarrass his family.
(Letterman)
 
Bill and Hillary say they'd give up on the press altogether if it
wasn't for the good, decent people at Hustler. (SNL)
 
Reports now say that DNA tests prove Clinton is not the father of
an Arkansas hooker's son. It took us seven years, but we finally
found something Clinton was accused of that he didn't do. (Leno)
 
There are reports that Elizabeth Dole could run for president. The
role for Bob Dole would be unclear... what would we call him? The
first man? The first gentleman? The first lean mean love machine?
 
Time and Newsweek both have interviewed suspected terrorist Osama
bin Laden. Why is it Time and Newsweek can track this guy down, but
the FBI and the CIA have no idea where he is? Why don't they just
pay Time and Newsweek to kill him? (Leno)
 
MCI announced plans to cut more than 2,300 workers from its
payroll, however, the long distance company refuses to call it
downsizing. They prefer the term "Job Forwarding".
 
As part of the settlement of a recent tobacco lawsuit, all
cigarette ads must be removed from Times Square. But don't worry
folks, it's still okay to smoke crack there. (O'Brien)
 
Russia is developing a new, cheaper space shuttle. The good news
is, it's smaller and costs far less than U.S. space shuttles. The
bad news is, it's a reconverted Yugo.
 
Woody Allen said in interviews that after so many years of seeing a
psychiatrist, he's stopped. Well, you know... if you've been
getting therapy most of your life and you end up marrying your
daughter... it's obvious it's not working... (Leno)
 
The FDA approved an antidepressant for dogs. Finally, a product
tested on humans before being approved for animals!
 
A man in Kenya has reportedly found a way to make paper our of
elephant dung. You've heard of number 2 pencils? Well... this will
be number 2 paper. (Leno)
 
In a related story, Italian researchers say they've invented a car
that runs on human waste. That means one day we could be stopping
at Taco Bell for both food and gas.
 
According to the British medical journal the Lancet, people on
Valium are 300% more likely to be in car wrecks. The good news is,
they don't care! (Leno)
 
Novelist Jackie Collins' Beverly Hills home caught on fire. Jackie
was gasping for breath as the sweat-soaked firefighter quenched her
flame.
 
Julia Roberts is now asking for $20 million a movie, even if it
means working eight or nine hours a day for weeks at a time...
 
Martha Stewart is reportedly looking for a husband. If she can't
find one, she can make one out of egg cartons, popsicle sticks and
bread crumbs... (Leno)
 
Cher admitted in an interview that she has had plastic surgery, but
she denied that she had a rib removed to make her waist smaller.
She said she had a rib removed so scientists could make Calista
Flockhart. (O'Brien)
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Feb 1999 to 16 Feb 1999
************************************************
 
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