HUMOR Digest - 14 Feb 1999 to 15 Feb 1999
There are 8 messages totalling 491 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Happy Valentine's Day
  2. The Pastor And The Eggs
  3. Employee Reviews
  4. Y2K <non-offensive>
  5. Valentine's Day & President's Day
  6. Movie Quiz
  7. Mistaken identity [suggestive language]
  8. Car merger <clean>
 
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Date:    Sun, 14 Feb 1999 03:01:52 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Happy Valentine's Day
 
February 14 is Valentine's Day in the US, and a few other
countries.  It is loosely based on the Roman lover's festival
of Lupercalia.  Most people don't know there were actually two
Saint Valentines.  One was a priest in Rome, another a Bishop
in Interamna.  Strangely enuff, both were beheaded.  In their
honor, people everywhere have since been losing their heads on
Valentine's Day.
 
And as if two headless clerics weren't enuff to inspire tons
of romance and passion, we throw in this lil' nude cherub named
Cupid (Eros to you Greeks) who flies about shooting people in
the heart with arrows.  I assume that's why red is the primary
color of the day -- all that internal bleeding and all.
 
Cupid was the Roman God of Love who stayed with his wife, the
Princess Psyche, only at night.  Actually, that's not a bad deal
at all if you can swing it guys.
 
People in England celebrated the holiday beginning in 1446.
They would write their names on slips of paper and draw from a
vase for a partner.  And here we in the US thought we invented
wife swapping in the 1960's.
 
In the 1700's, the custom of pinning these slips of paper to
one's sleeve became popular, where it was worn for several days
after.  Romantics would have you believe that this is where the
expression "He wears his heart on his sleeve" comes from, when
actually, this was an early attempt to pinpoint and follow-up
on any sexually transmitted diseases.
 
During the 1800's in the US, the custom of exchanging cards
adorned with sea shells and seaweed became popular.  I guess if
you're gonna drown in a sea of sentimentality, you might as well
have the appropriate accouterments.
 
So there ya have it y'all.  May the Headless Horseman bless...
No wait -- wrong headless guy...  that's Halloween...  never mind.
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Feb 1999 08:28:34 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Pastor And The Eggs
 
The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before
church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a
small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife
into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.
 
Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their
entire 25 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor
asked her, "WHY?"
 
The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He
asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that
every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor
sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
 
The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly
nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
 
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the
neighbours for $1."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Feb 1999 09:51:12 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Employee Reviews
 
(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
     and has started to dig."
 
(2) "His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid
     curiosity."
 
 (3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
 
 (4) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of
      a definite won't be."
 
 (5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
      a rat in a trap."
 
 (6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
      feet."
 
 (7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
 
 (8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
 
 (9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
      achieve them."
 
 (10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
 
 (11) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
       better."
 
 (12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it
       altogether."
 
 (13) "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
       ignoramus."
 
 (14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
 
 (15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
 
 (16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
 
 (17) "He's been working with glue too much."
 
 (18) "He would argue with a signpost."
 
 (19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
 
 (20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
 
 (21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
 
 (22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored,
       he's the other one."
 
 (23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
 
 (24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
 
 (25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
 
 (26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
       coming."
 
 (27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking
       for it."
 
 (28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
       twice a week."
 
 (29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
 
 (30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans"
 
 (31) "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other
       sperm."
 
 (32) "One neuron short of a synapse."
 
 (33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
 
 (34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
 
 (35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Feb 1999 11:17:51 -0600
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Y2K <non-offensive>
 
Project Update
Y-to-K Date Change Project Status
 
"Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on
budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program
in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files,
including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to
reflect the change.  We are proud to report that we have completed
the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all
changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
 
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August,
September, October, November, December
 
As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak,
Saturdak
 
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of
this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it
is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way
possible.
 
And what does the year 2000 have to do with it?
 
Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when
the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
 
We await your direction."
 
          --appeared to originate with Dai Jones
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Feb 1999 13:52:38 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Valentine's Day & President's Day
 
This was appended to a message from a colleague about an entirely
different matter.
 
> Is it coincidence that Valentine's Day and Presidents' Day are
> so close together? What say you, Mssrs. Kennedy, Clinton, et al?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Feb 1999 18:57:25 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Movie Quiz
 
               PUN ZONE MOVIE TRIVIA QUIZ
 
 1. What John Cleese movie tells the story of a man who lusts after
    the wife of Ted Turner?
         A WISH CALLED FONDA
 
 2. What film tells the story of cosmonauts who fall in love and
    start a family on board the Russian space station?
         FROM MIR TO MATERNITY
 
 3. What current film tells the story of a workaholic woman who
    gets a job as a statistician?
         SHE'S ALL DATA
 
 4. What current film tells the story of a guy who orders a bunch
    of stuff over the internet but receives only photographs rather
    than merchandise?
         PRINTS OF E-GYPPED
 
 5. What is the Marx Brother's film that consists only of
    interviews with women who once went out with David Duke?
         DATE THE RACIST
 
 6. What current Robin Williams movie is about Whorehouse operators
    who are trying to quit smoking? 
         PATCH MADAMS
 
 7. An earthquake in London opened up a large chasm that swallowed
    up several police officers and then closed up without a trace.
    What film tells the story of investigators from Scotland Yard
    looking for clues in this mystery?
         SEARCHING FOR BOBBY FISSURE
 
 8. What James Bond film was about an insect who does proctology
    examinations?
         THE FLY WHO GLOVED ME
 
 9. What Bill Murray film was about potato farmers near the
    Chernobyl Nuclear plant?
         GLOW SPUDSTERS
 
10. What current romantic comedy is about Meg Ryan getting a sex
    change operation?
         YOU'VE GOT MALE
 
11. What's the name of the documentary that chronicles the work of
    surgery team removing her pubic hair in preparation for this
    surgery?
         SHAVING RYAN'S PRIVATES
 
12. What current film is about a wacky new-age therapist who
    administers a "High colonic" using raw meat?
         ENEMA OF THE STEAK
 
13. What's the Quentin Tarrentino film about an orange juice
    machine that gets bogged down?
         PULP FRICTION
 
14. What biographical cowboy film tells the story of Tommy Lee's
    marriage to Pamela Anderson?
         HOW THE CHEST WAS FUN
 
15. What H.G. Wells science fiction story speculated about the
    possibility of Seattle being covered by a giant tidal wave?
         TWENTY THOUSAND GEEKS BENEATH THE SEA
 
16. What adventure movie starring Sean Connery and Michael Caine in
    the biography of LAPD officer Stacy Kuhn?
         THE MAN WHO WOULD BEAT KING
 
          --by Gary Hallock
                 via P.U.N.Y. <puny@egroups.com>
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Feb 1999 19:54:53 -0800
From:    "Dr. L.A. Wilson" <eyes@VIP.NET>
Subject: Mistaken identity [suggestive language]
 
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to
start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon".
 
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good
morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."
 
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut
 in.
 
"Really ?" the photographer asked.
 
"Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
 
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
 seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
 
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
 the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living
 room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
 
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
 me."
 
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
 if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or
 seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
 
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
 
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to
 be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with
 that, I'm sure."
 
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
 
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown
London."
 
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
 
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider
 their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer
 handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
 
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
 
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get
 the job done right. People were crowding around four and five
 deep, pushing to get a good look." 
 
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
 
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too.
 The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly
 concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my
 shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,
 I just packed it all in."
 
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,
eh... equipment ?".
 
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod
 so that we can get to work."
 
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
 
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
 big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam?
 Madam?   .....   Good Lord, she's fainted !!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Feb 1999 21:02:14 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Car merger <clean>
 
The recent purchase of Volvo by Ford has prompted Ford to change
its name to reflect its new Scandinavian. The new name will be
Fjord.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Feb 1999 to 15 Feb 1999
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