HUMOR Digest - 13 Feb 1999 to 14 Feb 1999
There are 4 messages totalling 239 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Humorist Signs - 2 of 4
  2. Cat Calls
  3. Drug Dealers vs. Software Developers
  4. The Lady In The Back <adult theme>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 13 Feb 1999 04:18:51 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Humorist Signs - 2 of 4
 
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Ruled by the Moon; Symbol - The Crab
Notables: Julius Caesar, King Henry VIII, George Orwell, The
          Duke of Windsor
 
People under the influence of Cancer are very very nervous, grumpy
and quite moody.  They have an inbred desire to control others any
way they can. Cancer people like to spread humor and grumble about
others; like a crab, they charge and/or retreat without warning.
 
Don't expect these grouches to contribute positive. They love to
to check other posts for errors and flame everyone involved.
                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
 
Leo (July 23 - Sept 22)
Ruled by the Sun; Symbol - The Lion
Notables: Napoleon Bonaparte, Fidel Castro, Alexandre Dumas,
          Carl Jung, Benito Mussolini, Mata Hari
 
The head of he constellation Leo is outlined by stars shaped like
a sickle.  Thus, most latent communists.  Leos are full of self-
confidence like the lion. They consider themselves to be Kings
and/or Queens and expect to be treated as such.
 
Leos will submit jokes cleverly designed to invoke unrest among
the readers in an attempt to form a coup & overthrow ListOwners.
                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
 
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Ruled by Mercury; Symbol - The Virgin
Notables: Prince Albert, Queen Elizabeth, Mickey Mouse
 
The most distinguishing feature of a Virgo is that they much more
sensitive than any other sign. They deny the importance of love
and sex in their daily lives and in all humor as well. Some females
born under Virgo suffer from a severe "PollyAnna" complex.
 
A Virgo will only contribute the most demure of jokes and complain
constantly about any humor they see as off-color, rude or crude.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Message Board:
     www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 13 Feb 1999 08:32:54 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Cat Calls
 
A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from
tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long
cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner.  After dinner, they
had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
 
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.  "Is this the vet?"
asked an elderly lady's voice.
 
"Yes, it is," replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
 
"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady, "There's a whole bunch of
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I
can't get to sleep.  What can I do about it?"
 
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently
replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the
phone."
 
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"
 
"Well, it should," said the vet, "It stopped ME!"
 
          --thanks to Mary Campbell
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 13 Feb 1999 11:10:45 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Drug Dealers vs. Software Developers
 
----------------------------      ---------------------------
    Drug dealers                      Software developers
----------------------------      ---------------------------
 
 Refer to their clients            Refer to their clients
 as "users".                       as "users".
 
 "The first one's free!"           "Download a free trial
 version..."
 
 Have important South-East         Have important South-East
 Asian connections                 Asian connections
 (to help move the stuff).         (to help debug the code).
 
 Strange jargon:                   Strange jargon:
 
 "Stick," "Rock,"                  "SCSI," "RTFM,"
 "Dime bag," "E".                  "Java," "ISDN".
 "Stash"                           "Cache"
 "Hit (LSD)"                       "Hit (WWW)"
 "Source"                          "Source code"
 
 Realize that there's              Realize that there's
 tons of cash in the               tons of cash in the
 14- to 25-year-old                14- to 25-year-old
 market.                           market.
 
 Job is assisted by the            Job is assisted by
 industry's producing              industry's producing
 newer, more potent product.       newer, more potent products.
 
 Often seen in the company         Often seen in the company of
 of pimps and hustlers.            marketing people and venture
 capitalists.
 
 When things go wrong, a           When things go wrong, a
 "fix" is just a phone call        "fix" is just a phone call
 away but may be expensive         away but may be expensive
 
 A lot of successful people        A lot of successful people
 getting rich in this industry     getting rich in this industry
 while still teen-agers            while still teenagers
 
 Their product causes              DOOM. Quake. SimCity.
 unhealthy addictions.             Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said.
 
 Do your job well, and             Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
 you can sleep with
 sexy movie stars who
 depend on you.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 13 Feb 1999 14:31:54 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: The Lady In The Back <adult theme>
 
One day two drunks are sitting in a bar drinking. One drunk
notices a sign saying, "Lady in the back."
 
Being curious, they called the bartender over and asked what it
meant. The bartender says, "Well, there is a lady in the back
that will satisfy all your requests for only $20.00 and the
answer to a riddle."
 
One of the drunks, thinking how cheap and easy it should be,
gives the bartender a twenty and heads for the back. Laying on
the bed is a beautiful and voluptuous red head. The drunk says,
"I paid my twenty so what is the riddle?"
 
The red head says, "If my pussy was to sail out to sea, how
would you bring my pussy back to me?"
 
The drunk thinks for a minute and then answers, "I don't know.
How'd the damn cat get out there?"
 
The red head laughs and says, "Go on, you didn't answer the
riddle."
 
The drunk, pissed off and embarrassed, sits down by his buddy.
The buddy is anxiously waiting to hear what happened and asks,
"Well, how good was it?"
 
Feeling very embarrassed, the drunk answers, "I couldn't answer
this damn riddle about some fucking cat."
 
So the second drunk says, "Well, this I've got to try."  He calls
the bartender over and throws him a twenty while heading for the
back room.
 
There lies the beautiful and voluptuous red head, all spread out
and smiling.  She proceeds to say, "If my pussy was to sail out
to sea, how would you bring my pussy back to me?"
 
The second drunk answers, "Well, I don't know. Don't you think
the damn cat is dead by now?"
 
She laughs and says, "Go on, you didn't answer the riddle."
 
Now the drunks are pissed, frustrated, and out forty dollars.
While complaining to the bartender, in walks this huge sailor
with his duffle bag.  He walks up to the bartender, throws a
twenty down and says, "Where is the room?" The bartender stands
back and just points the way for the sailor.
 
The sailor opens the door and says, "Okay, let's hear it."  The
voluptuous red head, with eyes open wide, sits up and says, "If
my pussy was to sail out to sea, how would you bring my pussy
back to me?"
 
The sailor, taking his duffle bag & throwing it on the floor says,
"Well, with this bag I'll make a boat,
And with my balls, I'll make it float.
With my dick, I'll make and oar,
And row your pussy back to shore."
 
The sailor left the bar smiling.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Feb 1999 to 14 Feb 1999
************************************************
 
