HUMOR Digest - 12 Feb 1999 to 13 Feb 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 553 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Who was St. Valentine anyway? <clean>
  2. Humorist Signs - 1 of 4
  3. Top5 - 2/12/99 - The Obligatory Jerry Falwell List (fwd)
  4. College Essay
  5. Be My Valentine!
  6. The Chinese Detective...
  7. Cider? <adult theme>
  8. This Week in the Social Sciences
  9. Stocking the Zoo (Pun)
 
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Date:    Fri, 12 Feb 1999 11:19:55 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Who was St. Valentine anyway? <clean>
 
I've often wondered how patron saints are chosen. I sometimes
imagine celestial arm-wrestling matches with the winners getting
the best holidays, or maybe some saints just have better public
relations people than others. In reality, a great deal of
consideration is given when selecting a patron saint, and there
are usually obvious connections between saints and their causes.
 
Take our friend Valentine, for instance. Around the year A.D.
270 in Rome, emperor Claudius II outlawed marriage, fearing that
married men would make inferior soldiers. Apparently approval
ratings weren't quite as important in politics back then.
Valentine, bishop of Interamna, invited couples to come see him
and marry in secret.
 
Claudius, obviously not a romantic deep down inside, promptly told
Valentine to renounce Christianity or face certain death. Valentine
not only refused, but also tried to convert the emperor to
Christianity. This so pleased Claudius that he had Valentine
clubbed. Then stoned. Then beheaded. And you thought you were a
martyr for love!
 
Main Source: Panati's Extraordinary Origins Of Everyday Things
             by Charles Panati)
                    - - - - - - - - - - 
 
Mao Zedong, like many Chinese of his time, refused to brush his
teeth. Instead, he rinsed his mouth with tea and chewed the leaves.
Why brush? "Does a tiger brush his teeth?" argued Mao. As you can
imagine, his teeth were green.
 
Chairman Mao also loved to chain-smoke English cigarettes, when his
doctor asked him to cut down, he explained that "Smoking is also a
form of deep-breathing exercise, don't you think?"
 
          --from The 20th Century
                 by David Wallechinsky
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Feb 1999 04:30:27 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Humorist Signs - 1 of 4
 
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Ruled by Mars; Symbol - The Ram
Notables: Thomas Jefferson, Nikita Khrushchev, General George
           S. Patton
 
Aries is the first sign among the twelve in the Zodiac. People
under Aries have strong desire to win. They charge ahead just
like their symbol, the ram; and like their ruling planet, they
are very confrontational.
 
Contributions by Aries are marked by their haste, full of typos
and misspelled words.
                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Ruled by Venus; Symbol - The Bull
Notables: Adolph Hitler, Ho Chi Minh, Karl Marx
 
People under Taurus have a one way thinking style -- stubborn.
As if that weren't bad enough, their constellation includes
the Crab Nebula, a cloud of gas. They're quite materialistic,
love to brag and refuse to admit any error.
 
Material submitted to humor lists by Taurus people are not to
be believed under any circumstances.
                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Ruled by Mercury; Symbol - The Twins
Notables: Bennett Cerf, Sir Arthur Conon Doyle, Ian Fleming,
          Bob Hope, John F. Kennedy, John Wayne, Brigham Young
 
A person who was born under Gemini is a genius in social ability.
Their minds are always in rapid speed mode. So named for Castor &
Pollux (heros in Greek mythology) they're the sons of Leda & Zeus.
A Gemini will excel at any task, under any conditions.
 
Any Gemini is the shining star of contributors.  These multi-
talented people are the undisputed masters of communication.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Message Board:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Feb 1999 05:45:32 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 2/12/99 - The Obligatory Jerry Falwell List (fwd)
 
NOTE: The Top5 contributors and I had a Valentine's Day topic
      all ready to go, and then what happens? Jerry Falwell
      goes and puts his foot in his homophobic mouth again.
      The target this time?  None other than Tinky Winky, one
      of the Teletubbies, whose purple suit and triangular
      antenna set off the good Reverend's gay-dar. Is nothing 
      sacred???  Upon further investigation, Top5 learned that
      Reverend Falwell has problems with a few other TV
      characters...
 
           The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks
              Your Favorite TV Character is Gay
 
13> Fonzie: has an "office" in the men's room and always tells
    guys to "sit on it."
 
12> If you're drunk enough, "Homer Simpson" sounds kinda like
    "homosexual."
 
11> Popeye:  Vegetarian.  Bodybuilder.  Dresses like one of the
    Village People.  "Girlfriend" has no visible breasts.  You
    connect the dots, Chester.
 
10> Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole
    that they wrap themselves around and slide down which
    strips them of their clothes and puts them in rubber
    suits and... Okay, maybe Falwell's got something here.
 
 9> Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows *way* too much
    about Broadway Musicals and potpourri.
 
 8> "Shhhh, be vewy vewy wightous! I'm hunting a naked
    opewa-wuving wabbit!"
 
 7> Will from "Will & Grace": Not because the character is
    openly gay, but because if he were straight, he'd go by
    "Bill" and smoke cigars.
 
 6> That Peter Jennings character on "ABC World News Tonight"
    is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy
    named Bill.
 
 5> Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses?  C'mon!
 
 4> Check the reruns closely: Woody lives up to his name
    whenever Norm walks into the bar.
 
 3> The letters in "The Teletubbies" can be rearranged to read,
    "He bites eel butt."
 
 2> "Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman"
 
         and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason Jerry Falwell
           Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay...
 
 1> David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of "Baywatch" with nary an
    erection.
 
   [           This list copyright 1999 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Feb 1999 06:23:02 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: College Essay
 
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU.
The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.
 
3a. In order for the Admissions Staff of our college to get to
    know  you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the
    following question: Are there any significant experiences you
    have had or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped
    to define you as a person?
 
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.
I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks,
making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I
translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning
operas, I manage time efficiently.
 
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
 
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can
pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco,
a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
 
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of
ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the
Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored,
I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang
gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge.
 
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend
passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling
centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.
 
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me.
 
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food
item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations
with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with
a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of
physics do not apply to me.
 
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact
origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to
write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using
only a mouli and a toaster oven.
 
I breed prize winning clams.  I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin.
 
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I
have spoken with Elvis.
 
But I have not yet gone to college.
 
          --thanks to Amy Jackson
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Feb 1999 08:39:08 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Be My Valentine!
 
I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day!
Simple things like:
   *  Open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in
      the washing machine,
   *  Plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room
      to room cleaning.
 
Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have
a marriage such as mine!
          ---------------------------------
 
I remember one Valentine's Day I had to be away
on a business trip.
I wired flowers for my lovely wife, but she found the fuse.
          ---------------------------------
 
I don't mind telling you, I'm worried sick.
I put a Valentine card and my income tax return into the same mail.
Now I can't remember which one I signed "Guess Who"?
 
     --via Swiggy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Feb 1999 10:16:53 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The Chinese Detective...
 
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.  So, he hired a
famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch and report any
activities that might develop.  A few days later, he received this
report:
 
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.  He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
 
NO FEE.
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Feb 1999 12:32:46 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Cider? <adult theme>
 
A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from
a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of
cider.
 
"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
 
"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
 
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
 
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink. "It doesn't
work!" she yelled.
 
"What do you mean?" asked Mom.
 
"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that
whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in
cider.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Feb 1999 16:00:29 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: This Week in the Social Sciences
 
Feb. 9: Study finds Striking Similarity in Ethics of Inmates
        and MBA Students.
 
"Two marketing professors ... interviewed 300 incarcerated felons
taking part in college programs... .  They compared their responses
with those from an earlier survey of students at 11 MBA programs.
 
The inmates showed just as much integrity as the business students,
and sometimes more... ."
 
Source:  Katherine S. Mangan in Chronicle of Higher Ed
          ---------------------------------
 
Feb. 10: Jerry Falwell Developes Test for Homosexuality in
         Cloyingly Sweet Children's TV Characters.
 
In the Feb edition of the National Liberty Journal the eminent
Fundie, Falwell, opines that Tinky Winky, one of the infamous
"Teletubbies" is gay.  Falwell points out that Tinky Winky [Oh
Lord!!!  It's so hard to type that name without gaging] is gay
because he/it: is purple, has a triangle on his/its head and
carries a purse.
 
It behoves us to take this claim very seriously!  After all, the
Teletubbies come from Great Britain.  As that other eminent 20th
Century Observer, Archie Bunker, has noted:  "England is a fag
country."
 
However, I wonder if researcher Falwell may be missing something
even more sinister in his analysis of the character.  Consider the
following from the Public Broadcasting Service's Teletubby web
page:  Tinky Winky is the biggest Teletubby.  ...loves all of the
Teletubbies, and his best friend is Po, the smallest one.
 
Seems to me a good case could be made that "T W" (I just CAN'T
write that name again) is a pedophile!!! Further study is clearly
needed on this one.
          ---------------------------------
 
Feb. 11: Dartmouth Sexually Integrates It's "Animal Houses."
 
Dartmouth College was the spiritual setting for the 1978 comedy hit
"Animal House."  This week, perhaps after catching the flick on
cable over the weekend, the Dartmouth Board of Trustees decreed
that all of the school's frats and sororities should become
coeducational.
 
This raises the question:  what has the Dartmouth Board of Trustees
been thinking about since "Animal House" made its debut 21 years
ago?  Were they too young to get in to see the movie?
 
Finally, this proclamation makes me, for one, very concerned for
Dartmouth's "Image" in the future. Just imagine what will happen
the first time the media gets a hold of a picture of a a beer
besotted FEMALE 'Bluto' Blutarsky peeing on a pledge's foot.
 
source:  Leo Reisberg  Chronicle of Higher Ed.
 
Note:  Mr. Reisberg did not include the specter
       of a FEMALE 'Bluto' Blutarsky in his article.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Feb 1999 14:13:39 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Stocking the Zoo (Pun)
 
It is a little-known fact that the mother of famed game show host
Monte Hall owns a company that provides exotic animals to zoos.
 
Equally little known is the fact that a few years ago singer Dinah
Shore was working to establish a zoo in the little Iowa town of
Tripoli in honor of her relatives from there. As a long-time friend
of Monte, Dinah naturally bought many of the animals from his
mother.
 
In fact,  many truckloads of animals were shipped...  from the zoo
of Monte Hall's Ma to the Shores of Tripoli!
 
                 --by Gene Baumann in The Pundit
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Feb 1999 to 13 Feb 1999
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