HUMOR Digest - 11 Feb 1999 to 12 Feb 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 517 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Fu Bu Chu ( adult)
  2. Understanding Computer Jargon <Part 1/2> <clean>
  3. How To Survive With Women (2 of 2) <adult, off. to women>
  4. Top5 - 2/11/99 - NOT Heard At The Daytona 500
  5. Recommended For Dismissal
  6. A Couple of Smiles
  7. How To Know If You Have PMS
  8. News You May Have Missed
  9. (Fwd) FW: Minnesota, eh?
 10. Cosmetics (Pun) & a note
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Feb 1999 01:15:15 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Fu Bu Chu ( adult)
 
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China.  They decided to
become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
 
Bu, called himself "Buck" Chu called himself "Chuck".
 
Fu decided to return to China. 
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Feb 1999 13:29:41 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Understanding Computer Jargon <Part 1/2> <clean>
 
When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like
"data input" and "beta version."  They confused me.  I wanted
desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret
resided in the computer industry.
 
Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years,
I've gained an insider's perspective.  I decided to share my
knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief,
handy glossary:
 
Alpha.  Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting
user feedback.  Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
 
Beta.
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released.
Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
 
Computer.
Instrument of torture.  The first computer was invented by
Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist.  In a plot to
overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally
and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator.  The
plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the
"Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself.
The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working
for IBM.
 
CPU.
Central propulsion unit.  The CPU is the computer's engine.
It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny
spinning  wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil
if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's a Pentium and
a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium II.
 
Default Directory.
Black hole.  Default directory is where all files that you need
disappear to.
 
Error message.
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users
for the program's shortcomings.
 
File.
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It
helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet -
except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an
electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
 
Hardware.
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked
or battered.
 
Help.
What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in
generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly,
users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and
end up where they started from without learning anything.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Feb 1999 11:47:09 +0200
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: How To Survive With Women (2 of 2) <adult, off. to women>
 
- Avoid models that stall during use.
- Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.
- Avoid completely blocking the air intake.
- Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up
  when away from home.
- Keep locked in the garage when not in use.
- Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.
- Check for pulling attachments.
- Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.
- If necessary, fit an alarm.
- See if the coil needs replacing.
- Take it for a good thrash around
- Are you allowed to take passengers with this model?
- Watch out for nasty emissions.
- Keep all leather accessories in order.
- If necessary, fit a silencer.
- Or use the choke and throttle properly.
- For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.
- Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.
- Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if
  necessary.
- NEVER let your friends have a go.
- Never make the mistake of thinking that if you traded in your
  current model you could get one like they have in specialist
  magazines.
- Avoid taking it to the pub if you're drinking.
- Long rides may be tiring, do not feel ashamed to stop, in the
  middle of it and fall asleep.
- It is preferable to get an automatic as this means less time with
  your stick it your hand.
- With a manual: to avoid unpleasant noises coming from it, avoid
  putting your stick into it's reverse position whilst in motion.
- It is useful to have more than one for different purposes.
- German models tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for
  frequent, brief usage.
- Italian models are very responsive but change hands often (high
  mileage) and often make worrying noises.
- American models tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.
- Attractive British models are hard to find and expensive to
  maintain.
- Swedish models are usually very versatile.
- Japanese models are mass produced and reliable, but very common
  and often unattractive.
- French models are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.
- Avoid models that are a tight fit for you; equally, stay away
  from those with very much more room space than needed.
- Stay well clear of people carriers.
- Executive models are hard to get going but once speed builds they
  don't take kindly to stopping stop.
- Be wary of fast models as they will probably have high mileage
  and excessive amounts of wear in places.
- The interior of ones which have been previously owned by old
  people will have a smell you will never get rid of.
- It is unwise to take your father's/big brother's/mate's out
  without permission.
- Do not get too attached to ones you have to rent.
- It is NEVER advisable to own a 'wide load' model.
- Replace every year with a newer model.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Feb 1999 05:50:06 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 2/11/99 - NOT Heard At The Daytona 500
 
                       February 11, 1999
      The Top 13 Things You Won't Hear At The Daytona 500
 
13> "None for me, thanks.  That Skoal will do a number on=20
     your teeth."
 
12> "Tampax!  Get cha Tampax here!"
 
11> "Hey, shut up!  I can't hear the race."
 
10> "Sex with your sister!?  Man, that's sick."
 
 9> "My GOD, this is a splendid Merlot!"
 
 8> "Hey, you with the large breasts -- out of the way! =20
     We're trying to watch a race here!"
 
 7> "Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street
     Journal from my attach=E9 case, then fetch me some clotted
     cream for my scone."
 
 6> "What a coincidence, Hank -- all my friends are boycotting
     Hooters, too!"
 
 5> "These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel
     Richie concert!"
 
 4> "Good morning, Mr. Trickle.  We at 'Depends' understand
     you're looking for a new corporate sponsor..."
 
 3> "Whew!  No more beer for me, fellas..."
 
 2> "Filling in for Dale 'the intimidator' Earnhardt today is
     substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley."
 
              and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing=20
            You Won't Hear At The Daytona 500...
 
 1> "...and now, singing our national anthem -- international=20
     recording artist Boy George!"
 
   [           This list copyright 1999 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Feb 1999 06:22:18 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Recommended For Dismissal
 
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is
examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter
society.
 
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by
your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have
any idea what you might do once you're released?"
 
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to
school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good
money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book
about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a
patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like
that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study
art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
 
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing
possibilities."
 
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can
go on being a teapot."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Feb 1999 07:02:36 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Couple of Smiles
 
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the
alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall
states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her
husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."
 
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated
65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This
one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You
could learn from this one!"
 
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated
365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW!
He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could
really learn from this one."
 
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it
was 365 times with the same cow."
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after
spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned
and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor.
He was late getting home and was speeding. Wouldn't you know it, a
cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the
bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
 
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you
were going, BOY?" Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
 
"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
 
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask
me?"
 
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal
sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket
and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained
fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!
Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
 
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
 
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said,
"What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
 
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
 
"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
 
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
 
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher
do?"
 
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be
stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of
fingers, then a couple more and then one whole hand, then two. Then
I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six
feet across."
 
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked,
"What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
 
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at
the end of a bridge!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Feb 1999 07:46:30 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: How To Know If You Have PMS
 
 1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
 2) You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
 3) The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
 4) Your significant other is suddenly agreeing to everything
        you say.
 5) You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper
      sticker that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-###-####."
 6) Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
 7) You're convinced there's a God and He's male.
 8) You're counting down the days until menopause.
 9) You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10) The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Feb 1999 08:17:33 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: News You May Have Missed
 
President Clinton will seek a $607 million increase in Head
Start spending...
Now will somebody explain to him what the program REALLY is?
                           - - - - -
 
Volkswagen is recalling its 1999 Jetta and Golf four-door
models because a type of sound-absorbing material used in
the doors might have been improperly installed and could
catch fire...
But it will be a quiet, comfortable fire
                           - - - - -
 
Sony Music announced that Pope John Paul will make his pop
debut on a compact disc. "Abba Pater" will be the first
music CD to feature the papal voice...
Hey, he's an older guy who tours the world, sings, and
doesn't believe in contraception -- he and Mick Jagger
have a lot in common
                           - - - - -
 
Profits at America Online more than tripled in the latest
quarter. AOL said that it earned $121 million, or 22 cents
per share, compared with $33 million, or 6 cents per share,
for the same quarter in 1997...
That's because nobody can log end to end their membership
                           - - - - -
 
Polls now show that Hillary Rodham Clinton leads New York
City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani in a theoretical Senate match-up
by almost ten percentage points...
New Yorkers identify with Hillary more than Rudy: He doesn't
like strippers or sex shows going on near his house -- she
lives with strippers and sex shows IN her house
                           - - - - -
 
Dutch lawmakers have passed a bill to overturn a 1912 ban on
brothels, saying officials could better control crime if sex
clubs were legitimate businesses.  The legislation sailed
through the lower house of parliament with the support of an
overwhelming majority of lawmakers.  It still needs to be
passed by the upper house before it can become law...
They must be trying to woo the IOC for the next Olympics.
Now all they have to do is legalize robbery and murder and
they'll have a crimeless society
                           - - - - -
 
 
Source: Comedy On Tap Newsletter
        http://www.comedyontap.com/newsletter/
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Message Board:
     www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Feb 1999 14:00:29 -0500
From:    Aditya the ]-[indu $keptic
         <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: (Fwd) FW: Minnesota, eh?
 
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put
a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry
cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked
down Main street.
 
She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and
took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what
she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee
cold beer."
 
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
 
Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Feb 1999 19:52:50 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Cosmetics (Pun) & a note
 
Earlier today, my girl friend was brushing on some stuff onto her
eyelashes I never saw her wear before. I asked her if she used it
before, and she said that she used it only once a year. I asked her
why,  She said, "It's my St. Valentine's day mascara."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Feb 1999 to 12 Feb 1999
************************************************
 
