HUMOR Digest - 10 Feb 1999 to 11 Feb 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 542 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. JimJr's Wandering Mind
  2. Ten Rules For CyberSex
  3. The English Language
  4. Love in lanuages (anatomical reference)
  5. Over The Hill (off. to MY elders>
  6. How To Survive With Women (1 of 2) <adult, off. to women>
  7. Venting: mostly impeachment stuff
  8. A Valentine Story (Pun)
  9. More Hardware? <adult theme>
 10. The International Gynecology Conference (adult)
 
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Date:    Wed, 10 Feb 1999 03:21:07 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: JimJr's Wandering Mind
 
* I wonder if the kennels in Texas advertise dachshund puppies
  for sale as "Git a-long lil' doggie".
                           - - - - -
 
* If women buy something on the basis of it makes them "look
  younger", do they age whenever they take it off ?
                           - - - - -
 
* When exactly did the network evening news become the pause
  that depresses ?
                           - - - - -
 
* Do any of y'all like me wonder if today's movies escaped
  rather than being released ?
                           - - - - -
 
* Why is it that all the wives of the world have to be such
  experts on what their husbands don't say ?
                           - - - - -
 
* What exactly do skinny people do to celebrate "Fat Tuesday",
  the traditional end of the carnival season ?
                           - - - - -
 
* Why is it so many "self-made men" quit before the job was
  really finished ?
                           - - - - -
 
* Do you think the real reason women live longer than men is
  that paint is such a good preservative ?
                           - - - - -
 
* Why is it when you point out the fact to two people that they
  resemble each other, they both resent it ?
                           - - - - -
 
* If the good die young, why are all these people who reach 100
  so happy to brag about their age ?
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Feb 1999 06:27:38 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Ten Rules For CyberSex
 
1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make
sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the
time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday
when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your
relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult to explain
the moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various "toys" can be
heard.
 
2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem
protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard.
It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer
technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.
 
3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as:
sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with
stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or
be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner
you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your
best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your
belly button is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We
don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when
we sit down at the computer (although I truly wear these things
each and every time I sit in front of my computer, it does seem to
cause a bit of a commotion at the office, - but I have certainly
worked my way up the ranks in the company because of it). As for
what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked
and wearing just a smile.
 
4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from
straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to
be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of
therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair
with your 15" screen.
 
5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know
in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that
you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for
the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom
teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on
how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure
the light still works when you open the door, and last but not
least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
 
6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your
spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let
me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot,
wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on Things -
hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though).
Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized
fries and burger with that). That's it baby, show me that beautiful
clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!
 
7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from  putting
your "coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed
that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the
cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and
can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really
do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counter-
part, just pretend you got bumped off-line. That always works and
at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the
excuse, "I have to let my dog out."
 
8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked
satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking
cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean,
thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful
time.)
 
9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into
ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your
email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to
pester you, it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself off-line,
or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a
really bad cyber twice.
 
10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go
blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having
it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn.
Realise that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by
naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to
keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner
you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired,
try dating your left hand for something different.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Feb 1999 07:06:31 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The English Language
 
Lets face it. English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant no ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
 
We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its
paradoxes we find that:
 
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
 
If the plural of tooth is teeth shouldn't the plural of phone booth
be phone beeth
 
If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught.
 
If a vegetarian eats vegetables what the heck does a humanitarian
eat!?
 
Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways
 
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another
 
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house
can burn up as it burns down.
 
And in which you fill in a form By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
 
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
 
That is why:
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts
But when I wind up this poem it ends.
 
		--by Richard Lederer
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Feb 1999 07:39:49 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Love in lanuages (anatomical reference)
 
 English.......... I Love You
 Spanish.......... Te Amo
 French........... Je T'aime
 German........... Ich Liebe Dich
 Japanese......... Ai Shite Imasu
 Italian.......... Ti Amo
 Chinese.......... Wo Ai Ni
 Swedish.......... Jag Alskar Dig
 Eskimo........... Nagligivaget
 Greek............ S'Agapo
 Hawaiian......... Aloha Wau la Oe
 Irish............ Thaim In Grabh Leat
 Hebrew........... Ani Ohev Otakh
 Russian.......... Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
 Albanian......... Une Te Dua
 Finnish.......... Mina Rakkastan Sinua
 Turkish.......... Seni Seviyorum
 Hungarian........ Se Ret Lay
 Persian.......... Du Stet Daram
 Maltese.......... Jien Inhobbok
 Catalan.......... Testimo Molt
 Redneck ......... Nice Boobs
 
          --from Walt Snyder
            via the RELHUMOR-LIST
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Feb 1999 08:02:27 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Over The Hill (off. to MY elders>
 
SIGNS THAT YOU'RE OVER THE HILL
 
* You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up
     and helps you cross your legs.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of
    campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
* Someone compliments you on your layered look...
        ...and you're wearing a bikini.
* You start video taping daytime game shows.
* You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame .
* Your insurance company has started sending you their
    free calendar...a month at a time.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
* Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
* Conversations with people your own age often turn into
    "dueling ailments."
* It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
* You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all
    and go for the rocker.
* You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
* You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
* You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
* You look both ways before crossing a room.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
* You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread
    USED to cost.
* You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show
    did when you were growing up.
* Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
* Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you
    got your last promotion.
* The clothes you've put away until they come back in style...
        ...come back in style.
* All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
* The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You find this list tasteless and insensitive.
          - - - - - - - - - -
 
     God grant me the Senility to forget the
     people I never liked anyway, the good
     fortune to run into the ones I do,
     and the eyesight to tell the difference.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Feb 1999 16:50:48 +0200
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: How To Survive With Women (1 of 2) <adult, off. to women>
 
          How To Survive With Women:
           Treat Them Like Your Car
 
- Give it a regular, thorough going over.
- Touch up the exterior.
- Rub it down nicely.
- Have a quick tinker with the underside.
- Clean out the tubes.
- Make sure it's waxed regularly.
- Is it easy to turn on? Does it need manual crank starting?
  Or bump starting?
- Ensure your stick is firm and is not jamming.
- Change the lubrication.
- Check for leaks.
- Check the rubber is not wearing thin.
- Keep an eye out for bald patches.
- Lift up the front and have a long hard look.
- Check the rear end is clean and tidy.
- Check for spare tyre and any handles.
- Keep an eye on fuel consumption.
- Check the condition of the big end.
- Make sure the top can come down and look good on hot,
  summer days.
- Make sure you will not have to spend half your paycheck on
  accessories for it.
- Are the bodywork and lines to your liking?
  Is the interior comfortable?
- Ensure that it responds well to you when you're in the
  driving seat.
- Make sure it's always clean inside.
- Make sure that it will not require any extra/expert servicing.
- Check all crevices, especially the box, for dust, dirt,
  or insect nests.
- Have any cracks been inexpertly filled in the past?
- Check the mileage and for any previous lady owners.
- And that no animals have ever been inside.
- Fit a child lock.
- The younger the better.
- Check that it will not break down on you with no warning.
- Make sure any unusual noises can be safely ignored.
- Does it drive well in reverse?
- Ensure you can tune the radio in to the football.
- Ensure you have sole ownership.
- If possible, test drive several times before commiting
  to ownership.
- Make sure that there is a proper response when you put your
  foot down, and that it is easy to control.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Feb 1999 10:15:01 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Venting: mostly impeachment stuff
 
You almost have to feel sorry for the Republicans. They act like a
hysterical lynch mob that has its victim in hand, a stout tree, and
then realize they forgot the rope.
 
At what point does the dogged pursuit of a principle become the
pointless beating of a dead horse?
 
Seen on a bumper: "Save the President: Legalize Perjury!"
 
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then
beat you experience.
 
What's the problem with Olympic bribery? It was consensual, no one
had sex, and no one lied to the grand jury.
 
Today, one my seventh-grade students asked me where I worked.
 
I can't decide who's dumber, the news media, the Democrats or the
average American.
 
Clinton's tried and true motto: Spin, spin, spin and spend, spend.
 
I want the hair spray concession in the U.S. Senate.
 
The FBI says it is staying in the woods until they catch their man.
I think they just like camping out more than working.
 
I'm so thankful for the small town where I grew up, which I feel
set me on the right path for life. I wish every troubled child
could grow up in Mayberry USA.
 
Liberalism: The blissful ignorance of anything resembling thought,
reason, and logic.
 
The Republicans in this impeachment mess remind me of the Harper
Valley PTA.
 
Note to commuters who use rapid rail trains: Please wash your funky
bodies before boarding.
 
I used to be a Democrat until Larry Flynt became their poster boy.
 
I knew my husband had a loving and affectionate side to him, I just
didn't realize that it could only be directed toward the cat.
 
The Republican case against Clinton can be summed up in four words:
He beat us twice.
 
Clinton says he's too busy doing the people's business to heed the
trial. Does this mean the White has gotten a new group of interns?
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Feb 1999 09:38:21 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: A Valentine Story (Pun)
 
He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's day to be
special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported
from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion.
 
On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to
have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But
to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers
and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.
 
In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist
to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and
what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He
added a card, and proceeded home.
 
When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown,
and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a
romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.
 
He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read...
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
 
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly,  Yes, and...
with fronds like these, who needs anemones.
 
          -by Stan Kegel
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Feb 1999 21:06:49 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: More Hardware? <adult theme>
 
A woman goes into the small-town hardware store and tells the owner
she needs a drawer pull handle to replace a broken one.
 
He gets out one that matches her description and asks her "You
wanna screw for that?"
 
And she thinks a minute, glances around, and replies, "No, but I'll
blow ya for that toaster over there."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Feb 1999 21:27:10 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The International Gynecology Conference (adult)
 
In the middle of an international gynecology conference, an English
and a French gynecologist are discussing various cases they've
recently treated.
 
French Gynecologist : "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to
see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."
 
English Gynecologist : "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that
big, my good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was."
 
French Gynecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again,
always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavor..."
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Feb 1999 to 11 Feb 1999
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