HUMOR Digest - 9 Feb 1999 to 10 Feb 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 531 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Updated Beatitudes <offensive to religious zealots>
  2. Clinton Caught In Cat House
  3. Alcohol
  4. Too Much Of The 90's / Y to K Problem
  5. John and Sir (2)
  6. Set It Free?
  7. Things That Make You Go DUH!...
  8. Teasing The Rabbi
  9. Christian Counterpart
 10. Y2K
 11. In The News - Humorous News Quips
 
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Date:    Tue, 9 Feb 1999 03:12:24 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Updated Beatitudes <offensive to religious zealots>
 
Christians believe the Bible is a resource for all ages.
However a few Churches in Columbia Maryland have updated
"The Beatitudes"... originally presented at the "Sermon
 on the Mount" (Matthew 5: 1-11)
                        - - - - -
 
* Blessed are the poor in spirit,
  they are rife consumers for all manner of inspirational
  products and fair game for the tele-evangelists/marketers
 
* Blessed are those who mourn,
  for they too shall spend great sums with regard to various
  memorials, remembrances and all manner of laminated items.
  Forget them not on the anniversary of their sorrow; for
  what profit it a man not to follow-up initial sales and
  thus forego many years of future purchases
 
* Blessed are the meek,
  they complain not concerning low wages or poor working
  conditions; neither shall they raise their voices in
  protest over shoddy workmanship or substandard products
 
* Blessed are those who hunger and thirst,
  for they are following their "low fat" diets in strict
  accordance with their physician's wishes
 
* Blessed are the merciful,
  for they shall forgive your sexual harassment and file not
  a discrimination suit; neither shall they contact the EEO
  or ACLU, nor congregate in demonstrations and protests
 
* Blessed are the pure in heart,
  for surely, their cholesterol shall be the lowest in the
  land; neither shall their arteries clog. Strike fear into
  their minds, then they will purchase all manner of drugs,
  herbs and potions so they may maintain their purity
 
* Blessed are the peacemakers,
  for the profits from "peace-keeping" armaments shall be
  ten-fold that of those gun merchants who would wage war
 
* Blessed are those who are persecuted,
  their names shall be entered in nomination for political
  office and even the least among them shall be appointed
  to positions of authority
 
* Blessed are you when men revile you and persecute you,
  for you shall be known as President of the United States,
  or some governor thereof, whereas citizens of other lands
  shall be known as despots
 
* Rejoice and be glad,
  for verily I say unto you -- the Consumer Confidence Index
  is at an all time high; tax surpluses are everywhere, as
  far as the eye can see; unemployment is at an all time low
  and the stock markets are as high as the interest rates
  are low; again, I say "Rejoice"
 
* Your reward is great in Heaven...
  be ever mindful of the fact that the keepers of the records
  are compounding daily the interest on the treasures you have
  stored there
 
* It is no longer good for anything to be thrown out,
  be joyful concerning the money-making opportunities in the
  recycling fervor sweeping all mankind
 
* Let your light so shine before men,
  this I say unto you, even if you should fail to become a
  leading merchant among men with profit-margins unforeseen,
  there is untold wealth and fame for a great multitude of
  financial advisors, consultants and tax experts
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Feb 1999 06:19:08 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Clinton Caught In Cat House
 
WASHINGTON, DC (API) -- First Cat Socks Clinton was found
unconscious in a Washington cat house Monday, strung out on NIP and
in the company of Siamese Twins.  Surgeon General Ben Casey stated,
"It will be a day or two before we can get the full story since the
cat is so high its eyes just keep bouncing first left and then
right, like one of those creepy 1950's clocks."
 
Investigators from the office of Independent Counsel Ken Starr
are checking into whether Socks might have passed on sensitive
information to the Siamese, or whether the Siamese may have
contributed to the Democratic Party in return for favors or fish
treats.
 
At this point, what is known is that Socks has been depressed
lately, ostensibly because his master had taken a liking to
dogs. In the July issue of Cat Quarterly, the celebrity feline
communicated his frustrations with lack of petting and combing
time, resulting in a trip to the hospital for a gargantuan hairball
being hacked up during a Summit Peace Conference.
 
In June, the long-time White House gardener, Don Hoe, abruptly quit
the staff, blaming Socks for using the Rose Garden as his favorite
dumping ground while the litter tray remained unused for weeks.  A
red flag went up when White House security apprehended a widely
known NIP dealer, who goes by the street name of "Mouser",
attempting to scale the southwest wall with over two ounces of high
grade NIP in a Hello Kitty backpack.
 
First Lady Hilary Clinton stated, "A large plate of Gulf Shrimp
will be waiting for Socks when he is released.  I know what that
poor cat is going through.  I have been there and can feel his
pain."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Feb 1999 07:15:46 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Alcohol
 
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers
have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the
following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer
containers:
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
         whispering when you are not.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
         wanker.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same
         boring story over and over again until your friends want
         to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like
         thish.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
         ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at
         4 in the morning.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
         hell happened to your trousers.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
         logically converse with other members of the opposite sex
         without spitting.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have
         mystical Kung Fu powers.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
         morning and see something really scary (whose name and/or
         species you can't remember)
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
         inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
         are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really,
         really big guy named FRANZ.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
         invisible.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
         laughing WITH you.
 
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
         time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large)
         gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
 
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Feb 1999 07:52:39 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Too Much Of The 90's / Y to K Problem
 
Signs That You Have Had Too Much Of The 90's
 
-- You try to enter your password on the microwave.
 
-- You now think of three espresso's as "getting wasted."
 
-- You no longer own a real deck of cards. Solitaire, spades,
   and hearts are all played on the computer.
 
-- Every commercial on television has a web-site address
   at the bottom of the screen.
 
-- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
 
-- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
 
-- The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit,
   to make a purchase is foreign to you.
 
-- You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is
   ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
 
-- Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
          -----------------------------
 
re: your memo, Y to K Problem
 
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.
 
At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all my
calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following
new months:
 
Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Feb 1999 17:02:01 +0200
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: John and Sir (2)
 
Sir is comfortably seated in an armchair in the library, reading a
newspaper. John has just brought in coffee, when a loud screech
echoes through the room, followed shortly by a terrific thud.
 
Sir looks up. "What was that dreadful noise?"
 
John steps over to the window and carefully looks from behind the
curtains.
 
"Sir, a car just took a right turn".
 
"John, no car in the world would make such noise just for taking a
 right turn!"
 
"Sir, indeed, but you see, there was no street to the right".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Feb 1999 10:19:37 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Set It Free?
 
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
 
But...
 
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money,
and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it
free in the first place, you either married it or gave
birth to it.
 
          --via a friend
            by Tony Cascella
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Feb 1999 09:27:18 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Things That Make You Go DUH!...
 
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided
to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
getting it out of the plant and home.  When they took it for a
float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a
coast guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator (a dye
tablet that is released when wet) that is activated when the raft
is inflated.
 
They are no longer employed there.
               ------------------------------
 
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods.
As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make
store-wide pages,  e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs
assistance at the paint counter."
 
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system
with the (I kid you not) following message:  "I have a customer by
the balls in toys who needs assistance."
               ------------------------------
 
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.  He
stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.  "No sense
pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to
himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
 
"Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them
in the hallway. Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."
 
          --thanks to Charles Ehlers
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Feb 1999 14:01:49 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Teasing The RABBI
 
A Protestant Minister and a Catholic Priest enjoyed teasing their
Rabbi friend, continually asking him when he was going to convert
to  their religion.
 
When the Holidays rolled around, the Rabbi sent them the following 
card:
 
          "Season's Greetings!
          Roses are reddish,
          Violets are bluish;
          When the Messiah comes,
          you'll wish you were Jewish!!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Feb 1999 15:54:59 -0500
From:    Kathleen Olivier <kolivier@NMU.EDU>
Subject: Christian Counterpart
 
Christian counterpart to the Rabbi's Christmas poetry:
 
          Roses are reddish,
          Violets are bluish,
          If it wasn't for Christmas
          We'd all be Jewish!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Feb 1999 20:18:50 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Y2K
 
     [Duplicate post removed for Archival Purposes]
             [See Paul Benoit's Y2K post above]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Feb 1999 22:41:01 -0800
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips
 
In The News - Edited excerpts from the L.A. Times
 
After the Super Bowl, TV coverage showed thousands of people being
tear gassed for refusing to disperse. Fox titled it "That 60's
show.
 
You know what we have to look forward to after partying like it's
1999? Crashing like it's the year 2000.
 
As part of his new ad campaign, Bob Dole gives Viagra 3 thumbs up!
 
Who would have guessed 2 1/2 years ago that Clinton would be
denying he had sex, and Bob Dole would be out there bragging?
(Leno)
 
Surveys show President Clinton's post impeachment rating topped
70%, which is pretty amazing when you consider his approval rating
in his own family is only 50%. (Leno)
 
I wonder if Linda Tripp taped the Lewinsky testimony...
 
Georgia's Supreme Court has overturned the state's anti-sodomy law.
In related news, Atlanta has been added to Monica Lewinsky's
upcoming book tour.
 
Janet Reno decided not to appoint an independent counsel to
investigate Al Gore for alleged indiscretions in his campaign fund
raising. Without an independent counsel to boost Gore's approval
rating, Republicans now have a shot at taking the White House in
2000.
 
The wife of Minnesota Gov Jesse Ventura said she worried about her
role as the state's first lady. She added, "But let there be no
mistake, my husband wears the purple tights in this family."
 
The Washington Speakers Bureau has announced that it has signed
former House Speaker Newt Gingrich as a client on the lecture
circuit. His fee will be $50,000. His subject is free speech.
 
Apparently, Linda Tripp told Monica Lewinsky in those taped
conversations that she hasn't had sex with anyone in seven years.
Isn't that amazing? That means at some point in 1991, some guy got
drunker that any man in history.   (Leno)
 
Yo-yo's have gained popularity this year - how else would you
explain Gov. Jesse Venture, Rep. Mary Bono and the Donny and Marie
talk show?
 
There is a new proposal in Los Angeles to fine people who don't
show up for jury duty. They'd fine you up to $1,500. This is
probably the only city in the world where they're harder on the
jurors than they are on the criminals.    (Leno)
 
In Long Island, Amy Fisher has demanded a new trial. Boy, Mary Jo
Buttafuoco needs this like a hole in the head.
 
Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flint has opened a sex boutique on
Sunset Boulevard. It carries lingerie and features a full coffee
bar. Sort of gives new meaning to the term "bottomless cup of
coffee..." (Leno)
 
A New York woman is suing Starbucks because she says she received
third degree burns from its coffee. She's asking for $1 million, or
as the coffee house calls it, three double lattes.
 
Another woman is suing McDonald's claiming that she found a condom
in her chicken sandwich. A spokesman for McDonald's said, "That's
just our new sandwich, McRibbed." (O'Brien)
 
The Banana Republic chain is going to open stores catering to plus
sized people. They going to call it Banana Split Republic. (Leno)
 
The recently announced merger between Exxon and Mobil could create
the world's second largest gas company. Number one would be Taco
Bell.
 
After reading comments published in a magazine, rap singer Puff
Daddy's producer "D-Dot" was arrested for beating up the magazines
editor. D-Dot pleaded innocent, saying, "Hey, c'mon, we weren't
beating him up. We were just remixing his face." (B'Brien)
 
Sinead O'Connor and U2 have combined their talents to raise money
for a charity album benefiting the victims of Northern Ireland's
worst bombing, which would be the last albums by Sinead O'Connor
and U2. (O'Brien)
 
Due to the popularity of the movie "You've Got Mail", Charlie Sheen
and Robert Downey Jr. will star in a sequel, "You've Made Bail."
 
Ex-Mousketeer Darlene Gillespie was recently found guilty of
committing mail fraud and perjury. M I C, See ya in seven to 10...
 
According to the tabloids, Martha Stewart has gotten breast
implants. Well, that's great! Think of all the time she'll save
not having to iron the old ones!
 
In Maine, a man lost in a snowstorm was rescued when a helicopter's
heat sensor was able to zero in on his lit cigarette lighter.
Tobacco companies were quick to point out that smoking saved the
man's life.
 
According to a new survey, 35% of people sleep on their right side,
26% of people sleep on their left side. The remainder don't know,
because, well... they are sleeping at the time.
 
A department store in Minnesota is trying to catch a woman who has
stolen more then $1,000 worth of size 44-D bras. Police are looking
for the woman, as is every other guy in town. (O'Brien)
 
The American Physical Society is honoring a first year college
student in California who has calculated that the mass of the Milky
Way isn't as great as originally believed. Apparently, earlier
measurements overestimated the amount of creamy nougat inside.
 
7-Eleven stores announced they will begin carrying a selection of
39 wines. Now, remember guys - red wine with beef jerky, white wine
with fish crackers.
 
A new study reports that vitamin E can help cure memory loss. Or
was it vitamin D?
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Feb 1999 to 10 Feb 1999
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