HUMOR Digest - 8 Feb 1999 to 9 Feb 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 469 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Viagra - bad language
  2. The Clintons
  3. Stranger than fiction <weird and uncharacteristically short>
  4. No Bull  (Pun)
  5. Communication by Gender
  6. Raise Application <adult>
  7. Young Love <adult>
  8. Eastern Europe Socio-dynamics. (adult language)
  9. Time Tracking on the Job
 10. The Dress, Riches & Car Trouble (Puns)
 11. Six Times The Size
 
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Date:    Mon, 8 Feb 1999 16:18:19 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: Viagra - bad language
 
With the immense popularity of Viagra it's not surprising that
the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for
specific groups of customers:
 
Viagra Lite
For people who only want to masturbate
 
Viagrallium
A mix of Viagra and Vallium: if you don't get to fuck, then
you don't give a fuck.
 
          --courtesy of John Rowe
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Feb 1999 04:27:59 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Clintons
 
* Hillary's always concerned about "losing face".  She shouldn't
  be though -- it would be a decided improvement.
                           - - - - -
 
* Did y'all hear that the Clintons paid $350,000 to have their
  family tree checked:  $ 3,000 for the genealogical research
  and $ 347,000 to hush it up.
                           - - - - -
 
* Contrary to popular belief, it's said that Hillary is really a
  big hearted woman.  I don't have any trouble believing that, I
  mean she's got the head, mouth, hips and legs to match.
                           - - - - -
 
* Believe it or not, modesty runs deep in the Clinton family.
  Only problem is, Bill & Hillary's idea of modesty is waiting
  for others to discover how really great they are.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Senator Strom Thurmond was heard to remark that this whole
  Clinton affair was nothing but a pain in the neck.
    Senator Lott commented that actually he had a much lower
  opinion of the Clintons.
                           - - - - -
 
* Only a few people know President Clinton was actually given
  a lie detector test at the start of the Monica scandal. His
  lawyers gave up though when he couldn't get past his opening
  remark: "In my humble opinion..."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The current issue of "People Magazine" says that Chelsea,
  the Clinton's daughter, suffered a collapse after breaking-up
  with her boyfriend Matthew Pierce.
    In another article, the magazine said that a Private Matthew
  Pierce is being assigned to the ground keeping forces in Kosovo
  for the next five years.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Feb 1999 12:35:34 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Stranger than fiction
         <weird and uncharacteristically short>
 
               From *actual* book titles selected
                in London as 1998's most bizarre:
 
* The Romance of Leprosy
* On Cancer of the Scrotum in Chimney Sweepers and
 
Others:
* DIY Coffins for Pets and People
* Hand Grenade Throwing as a College Sport
 
My work:
"How to Improve the Flying Efficiency of your Mother-in-Law's
 Broomstick" did not make it to the list in spite of its poignant
 style, gripping subject and elegant prose. Go figure...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Feb 1999 06:35:34 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: No Bull  (Pun)
 
A farmer was watching the approaching storm, and listening to the
weather report on the radio.  The reporter was advising everyone
with a storm cellar to use it, and right away.  The farmer was
concerned, and after one more look at the horizon, decided that
the reporter was right. He gathered up his family, and headed for
the storm cellar.

 
They had been in the cellar only about 10 minutes, when the storm
hit.  It was everything predicted, and more.  The wind howled, the
rain fell in buckets, and the hail rattled the door to the cellar.
The winds.  Oh, how the winds howled. The farmer was really
beginning to worry that the cellar doors would be pulled right off
their hinges.  He was really thinking that the doors couldn't take
anymore, when, just as quickly as it started, the storm abated.
 
Well, the farmer waited a little while, just to make sure, then he
opened the doors and peered out.  What a sight awaited him!  Every-
where he looked, he saw nothing but devastation.  The house, the
barn, the stables, everything was knocked flat.  And the animals!
As far as the eye could see, animals were laying down where ever
they'd been when they were knocked over by the storm.
 
Except, that is, for his prize bulls!  The farmer was so amazed at
this, he had to go out and see up close.  He just couldn't believe
his eyes!  Here in the midst of all the ruin, his bulls were
placidly chewing grass and munching hay!
 
Well, this was just too much for the farmer to comprehend, so he
went right up to the bulls and asked them, "How can this be?  How
can you be the only things still standing after that storm?  I just
don't get it."
 
The first bull looked up at him, and continued munching away.  When
he had cleared his mouth and swallowed, he took a breath and said
calmly, "Well, it's simple really... We bulls wobble, but they
don't fall down."
 
          --thanks to Jeanne Stebbins
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Feb 1999 07:31:22 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Communication by Gender
 
WHAT A WOMAN SAYS:
   Cmon...This place is a mess!
   You and I need to clean.
   Your pants are on the floor
   and you'll have no clothes
   if we don't do laundry now!
 
 
WHAT A MAN HEARS:
   C'MON....blah, blah, blah
   YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
   blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
   blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
   blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Feb 1999 15:21:10 +0200
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: Raise Application <adult>
 
The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the
following reasons:
     - has to work hard;
     - has to work at great depths;
     - has to work upside down;
     - has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
     - has to work in a high humidity environment;
     - has to work at high temperatures;
     - does not get weekends and holidays off;
     - does not get time off after extra hours of work;
     - has a hazardous work environment that often causes
       professional sickness.
 
Request denied for the following reasons:
     - does not work 8 hours in a row;
     - does not answer immediately to all requests;
     - does not have a degree;
     - after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
     - shows no fidelity to the workplace;
     - retires too early;
     - does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
     - does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Feb 1999 08:28:24 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Young Love <adult>
 
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know
that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get
married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie
are in love and I want  to ask you for her hand in marriage."
 
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Johnny, you are only 10.  Where will you two live?"
 
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In
Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there
nicely."
 
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge
grin, "Okay then how will you live?  You're not old enough to get
a job. You'll need to support Susie."
 
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...  Susie makes 5
bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a
month, and that should do us just fine."
 
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so
much thought into this.  So, he thinks for a moment trying to come
up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.  After a
second, Mr. Smith  says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out.  I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your
own?"
 
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky
so far..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Feb 1999 09:29:29 -0500
From:    Filip Razvan Ghitescu <raghitescu@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: Eastern Europe Socio-dynamics. (adult language)
 
KGB colonel Petrofiev calls srg. Iliushin into his office.
 
- At your service, comrade colonel.
 
- Comrade Iliushin, go tell Ivan this is his last chance. Unless he
  tells us where the treasure is, I will kill his wife and his
  daughter, burn his fingers, pop out his eyes, cut his ears, smash
  his balls and when I get tired ot tormenting him I will give his
  heart to my dog.
 
Srg. Iliushin rushes to the dark cell where Ivan lays on the floor
already beaten to death.
 
- Dear Ivan, I did everything I could but I'm affraid they are very
  determined and this is the last offer they are going to make.
  Either you tell them the place you keep the gold and they will
  set you free or they will kill your family, burn your fingers,
  pop out your eyes, smash your balls and when they get tired
  they'll make your heart dog-food.
 
Ivan half death, scared out of his pants and fearing for his
family, whispers with a painful grin he keeps the gold under his
tent.
 
The next moment Sgt.Iliushin rushes to Col. Petrofiev's office:
- Comrade colonel, I ask your permision to report.
- Permsion granted. What did Ivan say?
- Comrade colonel, excuse me, he said to go fuck yourself.
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
And this is for a bonus:
 
The Annual Bartender's Conference has just voted the cocktail of
the year: Vodka and Carrot Juice. The main argument was that when
you get drunk at least you can see better.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Feb 1999 10:07:32 -0500
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: Time Tracking on the Job
 
A message from the president..
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been
turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous
Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time
is not a problem.
 
What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are
doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity
Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to
achieve its goals.
 
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code
list based on our observations of employee activities. The list
will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing
during your unproductive time.
 
Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know
about any difficulties you may encounter.
 
Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation:
 
5000 Surfing the Net
5001 Reading/Writing Social Email
5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)
5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on
     E-Mail
5316 Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is
     Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in
     Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Time Sheet
5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Myself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610)
5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610)
5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610)
5603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323)
5604 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610)
5605 Bitching about Personal Problems
5610 Searching for a New Job
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
5701 Not Actually Present at Job
5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls
6206 Gossiping
6207 Planning a Social Event
6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job
6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers
6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are
     Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring at Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.)
7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (see code #7400)
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid in an Illicit Activity
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Feb 1999 17:30:28 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Dress, Riches & Car Trouble (Puns)
 
The bad and ugly king had a beautiful girl as a captive. Though her
beauty shone like a thousand moons (and her moon wasn't so bad
either), the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming. She
waited day and night, looking out with hope out the dungeon window,
searching for the knight who would free her. However, every knight
was scared away by her dress, which, as i've said before, was very
ugly. She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered...
"See, i told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!!!"
                  --by Futhman
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?  Here's an incredibly
simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to
make, no money to lose!  Try it now!
 
Follow this simple procedure:
        1) Hold down the shift key.
        2) Hit the 4 key four times.
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases
it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car,
opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats. The men
stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing
themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in
history occurs. When questioned by police why he put two deviates
along the side of the road, the man replied... "I broke down and
was just using my emergency flashers!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Feb 1999 22:28:30 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Six Times The Size
 
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's
junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please
name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate
conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the
conditions."
 
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't
think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents
will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.
 
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same
question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the
eye, in dim light."
 
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three
things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two,
you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a
dreadful disappointment."
 
          --thanks to Dennis Elbe
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Feb 1999 to 9 Feb 1999
**********************************************
 
