HUMOR Digest - 7 Feb 1999 to 8 Feb 1999
There are 7 messages totalling 301 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Show Must Go On (Not a Pun)
  2. Columbia Maryland
  3. What Color? <adult theme>
  4. Equipment
  5. Kosher Chicken
  6. 3 little orders ( adult)
  7. Semi-silly questions and comments about contemporary life
 
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Date:    Sat, 6 Feb 1999 23:45:53 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Show Must Go On (Not a Pun)
 
A few minutes before the famous Shakespearean actor was to perform
Hamlet to a packed house in NY, he dropped dead. The house manager
solemnly came on stage and announced "We are sorry to bring you
this news. Mr. Famous Actor has passed away in his dressing room,
and there will be no performance tonight."
 
From the back of the rear balcony, a voice cries "Give him some
chicken soup!"
 
The stage manager, startled, clears his voice and says "I apologize
if in my grief I have not made my solemn message clear. Mr. Actor
is deceased, and there will be no performance."
 
Again, from the top balcony, that voice: "Give him some Chicken
Soup!"
 
Having had about enough, the manager yells back "Lady, the man is
dead Giving him some chicken soup wouldn't help."
 
And the voice replies, "It couldn't hurt"
 
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Date:    Sun, 7 Feb 1999 04:45:44 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Columbia Maryland
 
* Tell ya what, I'll give the Yuppies this much, they're all
  living proof that stuffed shirts come in all sizes.
                           - - - - -
 
* I will admit that the Yuppies in Columbia seemed to have hit
  upon a workable diet -- they hire someone to swallow for them.
                           - - - - -
 
* Upscale ???  I'll give you upscale !  There's a new Mall to
  open this Spring in Columbia Maryland.  As I understand it,
  shopping is to be by invitation only.
                           - - - - -
 
* Two Columbia kids were playing "house".  The lil' girl said,
  "I want to have a big family -- at least three Fathers and
  two Mothers."
                           - - - - -
 
* Speaking of Columbia divorces (I was) one Yuppette had a real
  quickie marriage.  She filed for divorce at their reception.
  She sued for the cake and all the presents.
                           - - - - -
 
* Overheard at a Columbia cocktail party:
     Yuppette: "He's so rich, he flies his own Cessna."
       Yuppie: "Big deal !  I happen to fly my own plane too."
     Yuppette: "In your living room ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   Pity the poor bumpkin from Kitchener who was in Columbia
  to study the Village Festivals.  As the bellhop was taking
  him to his room, he was so impressed with the bank of phones,
  computers, large screen TV & the spaciousness, he said. "I'll
  take it."
    The bellhop looked over at him disdainfully and then said,
 "Sir... we're still in the elevator."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Feb 1999 07:55:44 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: What Color? <adult theme>
 
A young man bought a new pair of boots of which he was very proud
so he decided to go dancing an give them a try.
 
After dancing with one lady for a few minutes he said "I bet you I
can guess the color of your panties."
 
"O.K.", she replied, "what color do you think they are?"
 
"Blue", he replied.
 
"How did you know that?" she asked?
 
"I saw the reflection in my shiny new boots", he said.
 
"Here, she said, dance with my sister and tell me what color she
has on".
 
After dancing a while the young man started rubbing he toes on his
pant cuffs and started to dance again. After a few minutes he ask
the new lady, "What color panties do you have on, I can't seem to
make them out."
 
To which she replied, "I don't have any panties on."
 
With a sigh of relief the young man said, "Oh good, for a minute I
thought I had a crack in my new boots."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Feb 1999 09:43:20 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Equipment
 
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.  The
husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to
read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of
fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take
the boat out.
 
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the
boat, and started reading her book.  Along comes the sheriff in his
boat, pulls up along-side and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are
you doing?"
 
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this
 guy blind, or what?'
 
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
 
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
 
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in
 and write you up."
 
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate
 woman.
 
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
 
"Yes, that's true... but you have all the equipment..."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Feb 1999 06:44:05 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Kosher Chicken
 
The CEO of Empire Kosher Chicken was visiting the rabbi of a
prominent synagogue. After talking for almost an hour, the CEO
finally brought up the subject he came to ask the rabbi about.
 
"Rabbi," he said, "I'm willing to give this synagogue 5 million
dollars. But before I do, I must also request that the traditional
blessing made over wine on the Sabbath be changed to a blessing
over chicken."
 
The rabbi was taken by surprised by this request. He told the CEO,
"For thousands of years, we have been making the blessing over wine
and now in one short moment - you want me to go against this
age-old tradition? I don't think I can do this."
 
The CEO was undaunted. "Rabbi," he said, "you drive a hard bargain.
Allright, I will give you 10 million dollars to do this, but not a
penny more."
 
The rabbi looked at the CEO and, after several moments, replied, "I
will have to get back to you on that."
 
The CEO left and the rabbi promptly called a meeting of the board
of directors of the synagogue. After all the members arrived, the
rabbi stood up to speak. "Gentlemen, I have some good news and I
have some bad news."
 
The board knew something big was up. The rabbi always began this
way when a major task was being undertaken. The rabbi continued.
"We have just come into 10 million dollars!"
 
The board gasped at the figure. The excitement was growing. The
rabbi continued.
 
"That's the good news. The bad news is - we just lost the
 Manischewitz account!
 
 
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Feb 1999 14:52:03 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: 3 little orders ( adult)
 
The maitre d' of a fashionable restaurant looked up and saw three
little girls standing in the waiting area. They were dressed in
their mother's clothes, had on high-heeled shoes and were wearing
lots of make-up.
 
The lunch crowd hadn't started to arrive yet so he decided to treat
them like regular guests just to see what they were up to. He
seated them at a table and asked what they would like to order.
 
The first little girl ordered a martini, the second one asked for a
margarita and the third one said, "I'd like to have a douche... my
mother says they're very refreshing.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Feb 1999 00:07:24 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Semi-silly questions and comments about contemporary life
 
The events in Samaranch's modern pentathlon: graft, bribery,
vote-buying, corruption, and extortion.
 
We've learned that the Olympic athletes aren't the only ones going
for the gold.
 
Some people should be sworn in and others sworn at.
 
Would anyone like to join me in a class-action suit against the
manufacturers of cellular phones because they create potentially
fatal traffic accidents?
 
Bob Dole for first domestic partner!
 
The term "sport utility vehicle" just doesn't match the people I
see driving them. I say we call them "Mommy Trucks," or better yet,
"Wimp Wagons."
 
If golf is a sport, then sportswriters are journalists.
 
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
 
Atlanta may have lost their final game of the season, but wow isn't
Super Bowl the best place to end your season.
 
After the first hour of the State of the Union address I wondered
if Clinton was going to talk to the end of his term.
 
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and Milk of Magnesia, would
you get a Phillips screwdriver?
 
Rep. Asa Hutchinson: "It's evi-DINT that the in-TINT of the
Presi-DINT was to in-VINT a circum-VINT to pre-VINT a judg-MINT by
the govern-MINT." (I guess Jesse Jackson was his speech writer,
yes?)
 
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift
and that's why it is called the present.
 
The Republicans fabricated some charges against a good president
last century and almost removed from office. In that much time,
you'd think that Republicans could think up another trick.
 
My wife just turned 55. You know you're getting old when you start
sleeping with a senior citizen. (You keep talking that way and you
probably start sleeping with worms or fish).
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Feb 1999 to 8 Feb 1999
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