HUMOR Digest - 6 Feb 1999 to 7 Feb 1999
There are 8 messages totalling 383 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Computer guys <off. to some fans>
  2. Update: Ontario Canada
  3. Biblical Ways Of Acquiring A Wife
  4. What I learned from my mother
  5. The New Pastor
  6. The new Ensign...
  7. Puny Riddles
  8. You know you work in Corp. America if:
 
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Date:    Sat, 6 Feb 1999 09:51:59 +0200
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: Computer guys <off. to some fans>
 
The Software scientist:
This is a man who takes a mathematical algorithm, performs a series
of transformations on it and ends up with a program in lambda-
calculus. This program is correct, meaning it will do what it is
supposed to. Now all he needs is a lambda-calculus interpreter, a
stable operating system, a computer with a proven architecture and
an uninterruptable power supply.
 
The Software engineer:
This is a man who thinks that if he divides the task up into small
enough pieces, it will disappear and he can go back to reading
news.
 
The Programmer:
The programmer will listen to your requirements, sit down and
actually write you a program. Unfortunately, it doesn't do what you
want it to, but what the programmer thinks you ought to want it to
do. After you reject the program, he still doesn't give up, trying
to improve some algorithm he used in it.
 
The Hacker:
The hacker will listen while you tell him what you want, say
"that's easy", and type an amazingly long command line with about
30 pipes in it. Then he gets back to the "real" work.
 
The Hardware Buff:
This is the guy who tries to implement an awk interpreter in
discrete logic. Problem is nobody thought of building a chip that
knows what a backslash is.
 
The System Administrator:
While idly looking round to see what's going on, discovers a
process with a suspicious-sounding name and kills it. The list of
suspicious-sounding processes he has on the desk will eventually
roll to the letter 'B', where 'bash', the login shell, is on top.
 
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Date:    Sat, 6 Feb 1999 03:19:42 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Update: Ontario Canada
 
* It's very easy for the natives to spot a tourist in Ontario.
  Anyone who uses correct English is labeled as a foreigner.
                           - - - - -
 
* I kid you not -- Ontario really has a political party named
  the "Progressive Conservatives".  I guess their opposition
  are the "Retrogressive Liberals" -- right ?
                           - - - - -
 
* Anyone who thinks the politicians in their homeland are too
  finicky: Ontario's current Prime Minister even demanded a
  recount of the Thousand Islands.
                           - - - - -
 
* A backwoodsman from Opasquia Ontario claims to have gone
  without water for 6 days.  I think I get the same waiter
  he does at a French restaurant in Columbia Maryland.
                           - - - - -
 
* Not to be outdone with the changing times all around them,
  the muggers in Toronto have started accepting credit cards.
  And worse... they demand two forms of identification.
                           - - - - -
 
* About 90% of Ontario's population live in the southern 10%
  of the province; which makes the northern woods pretty much
  non-governable.  But that's probably just a rumor started
  by the disgruntled neo-French who live there.
                           - - - - -
 
* Then there was the young lady who transferred from Carleton
  University in Ottawa to the more placid Lakehead University
  in Thunder Bay and got homesick.  Twice a week, she paid male
  students to come by her room and expose themselves.
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 6 Feb 1999 09:04:35 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Biblical Ways Of Acquiring A Wife
 
No wonder some guys can't get it right...
 
a. Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21: 11-13)
   Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her
   head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's
   yours.
 
b. Hosea (Hosea 1: 1-3)
   Find a prostitute and marry her.
 
c. Moses (Exodus 2: 16-21)
   Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering
   his flock.
 
d. Boaz (Ruth 4: 5-10)
   Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the
   deal.
 
e. Benjaminites (Judges 21: 19-25)
   Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab
   one and carry her off to be your wife.
 
f. Adam (Genesis 2: 19-24)
   Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.
   Note:  This will cost you a rib.
 
g. Jacob (Genesis 29: 15-30)
   Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in
   marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work
   another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the
   first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
  
h. David (I Samuel 18: 27)
   Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies
   and get his daughter for a wife.
 
i. Cain (Genesis 4: 16-17)
   Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and
   you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
 
j. Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2: 3-4)
   Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
 
k. Samson (Judges 14: 1-3)
   When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents,
   "I have seen a . .woman; now get her for me." If your parents
   question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the
   one for me."
 
l. David (2 Samuel 11)
   Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons
   though).
 
m. Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
   Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a
   good idea, it's the law).
 
n. Solomon (1 Kings 11: 1-3)
   Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
 
o. Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
   A wife?. .NOT!!!

 
                    --Thanks to BS Pyle
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 6 Feb 1999 09:50:09 -0600
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: What I learned from my mother
 
      Things My Mommy Taught Me
 
My Mother taught me LOGIC...
    "If you fall off that swing and break your neck,
     you can't go to the store with me."
 
My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
     they're going to freeze that way."
 
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
    "If you don't pass your spelling test,
     you'll never get a good job!"
 
My Mother taught me ESP...
    "Put your sweater on; don't you think that
     I know when you're cold?"
 
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
    "What were you thinking?
     Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"
 
My Mother taught me HUMOR...
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
     don't come running to me."
 
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
 
My Mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
    "How do you think you got here?"
 
My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
    "You are just like your father."
 
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
    "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
 
My Mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
    "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
 
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
    "Just wait until your father get home."
 
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING...
    "You are going to get it when we get home."
 
and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE
    "one day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like
     YOU... then you'll see what it's like."
 
          --Original sender (far as I know) Pat Hauser
 
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Date:    Sat, 6 Feb 1999 08:55:52 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: The New Pastor
 
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his
parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was
obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even
after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card,
wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
 
The next day, as  he was counting the offering he found his card
in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation 
"Genesis 3:10".
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
     Revelation 3:20 reads:
     "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear
      my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and
      will dine with him, and he with me."
 
     Genesis 3:10 reads:
     "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was
      afraid, because I was naked"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 6 Feb 1999 12:27:39 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The new Ensign...
 
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working
since a young boy.  He was trying to impress the Master Chief with
his expertise learned in Sub School.
 
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir,' it's
real simple.  Add the number of times we dive to the number of
times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't
come out even, don't open the hatch."
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
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Date:    Sat, 6 Feb 1999 11:14:43 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles
 
111. What fresh flowers make one happiest?
 
112. Why did the fellow exiting the airplane in midair grab two
     guns on his way out?
 
113. A popular weekly entertainment magazine has made plans for a
     spin-off entertainment magazine for nerds.  What would it be
     called?
 
114. What did Phil Harris say to his wife when she didn't want to
     go out and see the lights on their Alaskan cruise?
 
115. A lecherous voyeur was surfing the internet and discovered a
     way to hack into the controls of NASA's most powerful orbiting
     telescope. Eager to do some a high resolution ogling of naked
     women he began to focus the large lens toward earth. His
     efforts were eventually fruitful and he got an excellent view
     of a drop-dead gorgeous woman nude sunbathing in what she
     assumed to be the privacy of her own back yard. What were his
     first words?
 
 
                         - - - - - - - - - - -
                               (Answers)
 
 
111. Glad-iolas  (By Marilyn Escue)
 
112. He wanted a pair of shoots. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
 
113.  Entertainment Geekly (By Tiff Wimberly)
 
114. "Does the Aurora bore you, Alice?" (By Stan Kegel)
 
115.  Hubble Hubble (By Gary Hallock)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 6 Feb 1999 22:53:06 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: You know you work in Corp. America if:
 
You know you work in corporate America in the 90s if:
 
- You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three
  different companies.
- Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
- The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- You learn about your layoff on CNN.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your
  best jokes.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than
  all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
- You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
- "Communication" is something your group is having problems with.
- You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
- Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
- Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
- Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
- Art involves a white board.
- You're already late on the assignment you just got.
- When 100% of your time means 20 hours.
- You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say
  "Oh wow, thanks!"
- Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
- Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes",
  "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an
  opportunity for you."
- Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you
  get every January.
- Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
  computers".
- Change is the norm.
- Nepotism is encouraged.
- The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures
  are hanging in your cube.
- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
- You read this entire list and understood it.
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Feb 1999 to 7 Feb 1999
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