HUMOR Digest - 5 Feb 1999 to 6 Feb 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 462 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Lane Switch (off. to Polish)
  2. Maryland State Highway
  3. My Wife (mature)
  4. Poetry Class <Dirty Little Johnny joke, nuff said>
  5. I *Love* Wal-Mart!!
  6. Four stages of sickness<clean>
  7. Potato Chips (Puns)
  8. Husband <adult theme>
  9. A Man Rubbed A Lamp...(clean)
 10. Baby boomer woes
 11. What's the difference? (suggestive; off to W.Virginians)
 
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Date:    Fri, 5 Feb 1999 01:57:41 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Lane Switch (off. to Polish)
 
Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right
lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe. So they gather to plan the
whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution,
so they send out some help-me type faxes.
 
A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: "As
your neighbours, we are deeply touched you requested our help, etc.
etc, but we have no idea at all how to do it".
 
The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most organized country in
Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know
how to handle it".
 
The Polish fax read: "As you know, we are Poland, a country that
has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic
resuscitation. "We have a great deal of experience in such
transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties
and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done
gradually. "So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three
big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the
trucks to ride on the right lane."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Feb 1999 04:11:46 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Maryland State Highway
 
* Hal Kassoff, the former Administrator for the State Highway,
  liked to get his point across.  Since all Senior Managers
  served at "his pleasure" there was a sign in his office:
  "There's lots of room at the top, but no place to sit down."
                           - - - - -
 
* Designated parking places were always a perk for the various
  managers at State Highway.  A reflective metal sign was even
  placed with the manager's initials at his/her parking spot.
  The system worked pretty good until a Stanford O. Buckland
  became a Senior Manager.
                           - - - - -
 
*   A District Engineer had an urgent need to store hazardous
  chemicals for disposal.  I was to oversee the construction &
  the Facilities Management Team was to draft the plans.
    Two weeks later the DE called again requesting the status
  of his emergency project.  I told him that he could begin
  hauling the material into the building now, but if he wanted
  to review the plans, he would have to wait 2-3 more weeks as
  they were still being drafted.
                           - - - - -
 
*   For a test of chemicals used in snow removal operations,
  it was decided to use a type of fertilizer used by airports.
  I sent three dump trucks to Delaware to pick-up the material.
    Returning in convey, the three were stopped for speeding.
  The Delaware State Trooper asked the lead driver, "Do you
  know you were exceeding 70 mph...  don't you have a governor
  on that truck ?"
    Kenny, the driver, responded, "No sir. The Governor's in
  Annapolis, that's just the fertilizer you smell."
                           - - - - -
 
*   In its wisdom, the Maryland State Legislature declared a
  weed known as "Canadian Thistle" a noxious weed and charged
  the State Highway with removing it from the roadsides.
    Prohibited from using herbicides in watershed areas, the
  Univ of Maryland came to our aid and genetically engineered
  a beetle which would eat the thistle seeds.
    Before releasing the thousands of bugs given us, I asked
  what happens when they eventually eat all of the seeds.  I
  was informed they would simply starve to death.  (Oh !)
    So next time y'all are driving on InterState Route I-70
  in Maryland, don't pay any attention to what appears to be
  defoliation -- it's just the Thistle Beetles starving.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Feb 1999 07:04:58 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: My Wife (mature)
 
"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex
 anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
 
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
 
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this
 upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life
 is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."
 
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of
pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the
tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her
more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
 
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."
 
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
 
"UM... okay."
 
He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner
waiting.  When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to
bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket
and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment,
hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to
worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.
 
Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own
coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a
little, signs deeply and heavily and a strange look enters her
eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard
her use before, she says, "I need a man..."
 
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Feb 1999 06:38:33 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Poetry Class <Dirty Little Johnny joke, nuff said>
 
The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her
class, "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and
everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go."
 
She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be
changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure
to go" to "the lamb went with her."
 
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. 
Johnny raised his hand and recited,  "Mary had a little pig, an
ornery little runt, he stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and
smelled her little--"
 
He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.
"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.
 
So Johnny said, "Asshole".
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Feb 1999 08:46:13 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: I *Love* Wal-Mart!!
 
My ex-husband and I fought constantly,
Why I married him, I'll never know.
For all those miserable years I said
My hubby has got to go!
 
Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes,
Salting his pork chops with lime.
Wiring his chair, igniting his hair
Even though playing with fire is a crime.
 
But I failed at each plot 'til I suddenly thought
Of a way that would set me free!
I got rid of him for good and, know what?
They couldn't do a thing to me!
 
I took him back to Wal-Mart!
They'll take anything back you know!
They said they couldn't recall selling him,
But they must have if I said so.
 
They just credited him to my Visa and said,
"Y'all come back now, 'ya hear?"
They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent,
I'll take back his mother next year!
 
They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart,
Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
And know what else? This time of year
You don't even need a receipt!
 
          --via Aiken Drum
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Feb 1999 07:06:04 PST
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Four stages of sickness<clean>
 
The four stages of illness are:
	Ill
	Pill
	Bill
	Will
 
 
http://members.xoom.com/RanjeetSingh/main.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Feb 1999 10:06:05 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Potato Chips (Puns)
 
A potato chip factory decided to create a novel form of chips by
frying them in goose grease. Unfortunately, one day a few goose
feathers accidentally fell into the frying vat. However, a veteran
inspector discovered the batch before it reached the public. When
told of the mishap and the outcome, his boss remarked happily...
"He's a good man to have around when the chips are down."
 
          --by Herb MacNaughton
                    - - - - - - - - - - -
 
John, blushing all over, is forced to make public his own secret
vice. He starts to speak, but is choked by emotion and breaks down,
unable to get out even a single coherent word. After a few moments,
he goes to the Bar and speaks in a whispered undertone to the burly
barkeep. The barkeep  says, "Folks, John asked me to announce
something about him he has been concealing but now wants you to
know. "He's a junk food fetishist."
 
A patron back in the crowd gasps and says, "You mean he..."
 
"Yes. I'm afraid so," says the barkeep. "He... Lay's Potato Chips."
 
          --by John Vinson
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Feb 1999 14:28:27 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Husband <adult theme>
  
So here I sit, in all my glory...
Lend me an ear, and I'll tell ya a story...
Once had a wife -- she was such a dear,
Then came the Internet, and it all disappeared!
 
Now there she sits , for hours on end...
I don't care where I'm goin', don't care where I've been.
It could be two, or it could be nine...
she really doesn't care, long as she's online.
 
She gets outta work and rushes home,
She comes in screaming at me, "Get off the phone!"
Where the heck's my hug? Where is my kiss?
But she's at the computer -- that's all she missed!
 
Talking to buddies, checking the mail
All her priorities -- I'm in cyber He*l!!
My stomach's growling -- it's so unfair!
No clean dishes and I'm out of underwear!
 
Drink me a beer, stare at the walls
I'll pick at my teeth while I'm scratching my ba*ls
Farting and burping all while I pee
Can you believe she's there??  When she could be with me !!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Feb 1999 19:10:00 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: A Man Rubbed A Lamp...(clean)
 
One day, a man rubbed a lamp...
 
A genie popped out of the lamp and said, "You have three wishes. I
will grant whatever you wish for, but remember, every politician in
the world gets twice as much as you wish for, so be careful what
you wish for."
 
The man said, "that's easy! I want a million dollars."
 
A big pile of cash appeared in front of him. "Now, each politician
has two million.
 
The man said, "never mind! I am happy as long as I have my million.
Now, I want a Mercedes."
 
A red Mercedes appeared in front of him and the genie said, "Now,
each politician has two of these."
 
The man was happier than ever. He thought about his last wish, and
said, "You know, I have always wanted to donate a kidney...
 
-----------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Feb 1999 19:26:46 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Baby boomer woes
 
Then: Killer weed
 Now: Weed killer
 
Then: Paar
 Now: AARP
 
Then: The Grateful Dead
 Now: Dr. Kevorkian
 
Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
 Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine
 
Then: Hoping for a BMW
 Now: Hoping for a BM
 
Then: Getting your head stoned
 Now: Getting your headstone
 
Then: Keg
 Now: EKG
 
Then: Passing the driving test
 Now: Passing the vision test
 
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your folks.
 Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.
 
Then: Swallowing acid
 Now: Swallowing antacid
 
Then: Obsessing over your PSAT scores
 Now: Obsessing over your PSA scores
 
Then: You're growing pot
 Now: Your growing pot
 
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
 Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
 
Then: The perfect high
 Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund
 
Then: Long hair
 Now: Longing for hair
 
Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying president
 Now: Fighting to keep the lying president
 
Then: President Johnson
 Now: The president's johnson
 
Then: Acid rock
 Now: Acid reflux
 
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
 Now: Getting a new hip joint
 
          [from the Washington Post Style Invitational]
          --forwarded by mizgayla & Bob Sobolevitch
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 6 Feb 1999 01:11:29 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: What's the difference? (suggestive; off to W.Virginians)
 
Q. What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
 
A. In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a
   misdemeanor.
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Ithaca/5309/
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Feb 1999 to 6 Feb 1999
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