HUMOR Digest - 4 Feb 1999 to 5 Feb 1999
There are 12 messages totalling 585 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Sports
  2. Great Imponderables!
  3. It's A Good Thing We Have The State Of Maryland
  4. Eurospin <Poss. Offensive to Europeans>
  5. Weird Business News #12 (3rd of 3)
  6. Humor Digest - 3 Feb 1999 to 4 Feb 1999
  7. New software <bad words>
  8. Creative thinking 101
  9. Baseball
 10. Shingles
 11. The Little Pig
 12. Hitchcock's Elevator Story
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Feb 1999 04:42:40 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Sports
 
*    Bet most of y'all don't know why so many women like tennis
  better than any other sport.
     It's because tennis is one of the few sports that tolerates
  heated arguments with the officials.
                           - - - - -
 
* One little know fact that's still pretty much a secret in the
  US is that during the National Basketball Association's (NBA)
  negotiations between the players and the owners for umpteen
  million dollar player contracts, in another secret meeting,
  a rep for the player's union purchased the NBA.
                           - - - - -
 
*    Passing by his house one day, I noticed one of my neighbors
  fishing in the "Fire Pond" (man-made lake for fighting fires)
  on his property.  I stopped, went over to where he was casting
  and said, "Van !  You know damn right well there's no fish at
  all in that pond."
     He smirked and replied, "Yeah, I know Jim. But on the other
  hand, it's so damn convenient."
                           - - - - -
 
*   When I was a Little League Baseball Coach I watched one boy
  strike out twice in practice.  The third time, I grabbed the
  bat and said, "Now Watch !" and instructed our 12-year-old
  pitcher to throw me some hard stuff.
    After six successive swings and misses, I turned to the boy
  and said, "Now, that's what you've been doing. Let me see you
  get up there the next time and hit."
                           - - - - -
 
*    Following yet another losing season, the Baltimore Ravens
  football team decided to give new draft picks an intelligence
  test.  The coach asked the prospective LineBacker, "What do
  you think of the Middle East ?"
     "Well..." the player pondered, "I like Ohio pretty much."
     The coach replied, "Yeah, I guess Ohio's OK, but personally
  I like Kentucky better."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Feb 1999 06:16:13 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Great Imponderables!
 
 1. When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?
 2. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush
    hour?
 3. Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
 4. Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next
    Exit"?
 5. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
 6. If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
 7. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
 8. Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the
    difference between here and there?
 9. When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you
    never just see ception?
10. If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the
    same?
11. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
    only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
12. Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy
    fortune tellers take economists seriously?
13. If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they
    get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?
14. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
15. Why is there always one in every crowd?
16. If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
17. Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?
18. Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"?
    If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?
19. Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that
    sells refrigerators?
20. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
 
          --By Bill Defour
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Feb 1999 07:04:15 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: It's A Good Thing We Have The State Of Maryland
 
   A husband & wife from Maryland were walking down the street. The
wife noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it
up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this
person looks familiar."
   Her husband said, "Let me look." So his handed him the compact.
The husband looked in the mirror then turned to his wife saying,
"You dumbass! that's *me*!
               ------------------------------
 
   A man from Maryland somehow slipped by the authorities and got
into the beautiful province of Ontario. He walked into a neighbor-
hood pub in to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music
and dancing, until people saw him. As the room quieted down he
walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the rest-
room?"
   The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
   "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"
   "Well, I don't think you should. We know how prudish you folks
are and there is a statue of a naked woman in there. She's only
covered by a fig leaf!"
   "Nonsense," said the man from Maryland, "I'll look the other
way!" So, the bartender showed him the door at the top of the
stairs and he proceeded to the restroom.
   After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole place was
hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and
said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was
hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely
quiet. I went to the restroom and now the place is hopping again."
   "Well, now you're a bit normal and one of us!" said the
bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"
   "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled man from
Maryland.
   "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is
lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now,
how about a drink?"
               ------------------------------
 
   Moses' account of the creation in the book of Genesis is so
familiar and so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many
accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was created
from one of Adam's ribs. Science has railed against such simple
beliefs for centuries.
  Last week, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of
the Dead Sea, archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts
that pre-date Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their
account of life's beginnings on earth are much more scientifically
plausible:
  "... and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor
   her young." And God spake, saying to her, "I have created thee
   as I see fit."  Is there anything about thee that thou would
   prefer differently?" And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not
   made to birth whole litters I do not need but two breasts." And
   God said, "Thou speakest wisely, as I have created thee with
   wisdom." There was a crack and a lingering odor of ozone, and it
   was done and Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand.
   "Now just what am I gonna do with this useless boob?" Woman
   asked.  And so it was, God created men from Maryland."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Feb 1999 08:26:03 -0500
From:    "Linney E. Dew, II" <dewhead@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Eurospin <Poss. Offensive to Europeans>
 
Amsterdam (AP/UPI) -- While the Lewinsky scandal continues to rage
on the front of American newspapers, a much different reaction has
developed on this side of the Atlantic.
 
To world-wise, sophisticated Europeans, the spectacle is a curious
sideshow and another reason to mock and disdain the puritan morals
of their American counterparts.

"You feelthy Americans, you make me seek," says sneering French
graduate student Serge Tati, 47, expressing a common sentiment.
Fashionably clad in a horizontal stripe t-shirt and skin-tight
Speedo, he was recently relaxing on the Lido with his mistress
Yvette LaFleur, 43. Like thousands of fellow French graduate
students, he was enjoying his annual 28-week vacation.
 
"Beel Clinton, he is Euro, no. He eez moderne, he eez now. He has
joie de vivre. He ravages zee young geerls. In my country, we geeve
heem a medal, no?" asks Tati, deeply drawing on a clove cigarette.
 
"Oui, like Jerry Lewees," adds the topless LaFleur, carefully
combing her armpit and leg hair. "And yet you treat heem like a
common creeminal," noted Tati.
 
"Ptui! You I speet on you, pheelistine American peegs! Wiss your
'amburgairs and tailfins and your soap! Ha-ha, we laugh at you!"
he added, shaking his pinched fingers in a Euro-expression of
disgust. The interview abruptly ended when a nearby sunbather was
angered after being slapped by one of Tati's errant hand gestures.
Tati and the subather proceeded to engage in a furious kicking and
slapping fight, before fleeing in terror after spotting a German
tourist.
 
At EuroDisney in Fontainbleu, many visitors were likewise perplexed
by America's scandal obsession." "Mitterand, he eez to having many
affairs, no? We adore heem as a god," explains Jacqueline
Robspierre, 28, an adverb specialist at the French Ministry of
Language Purity. "You puny insignificant Americans, you treat Beel
Clinton as eef he were a mere mortal."
 
Herve Souci agrees. Like thousands of other EuroDisney workers,
Souci,39, is on strike demanding government designation as an
"artiste," which, if granted, will translate into a 47 week annual
vacation. "Zee American 'how you say'-right-wingair, he eez blind.
He cannot see zee simple beauty of Beel Clinton, of zee Jean-Luc
Goddard feelm, of zee European football," says Souci, removing the
head of his Mickey Mouse costume for a drink of wine. "Merde! How I
pity and despise you," he adds, pausing to kick two children
attempting to cross the picket line.
 
Across the English Channel and long accustomed to their own lurid
sex scandals, Britons appear to find the Lewinsky affair somewhat
boring. At the Dog and Queen, a picturesque pub in London's Mayfair
section, a group of locals discusses the scandal over a traditional
lunch of boiled sheep pancreas, bitter spleen pie, rancid chocolate
and warm beer.
 
"We do have a 'special relationship' with you Yanks, but I must say
you have gone a bit starkers over this Lewinsky business," laughs
Nigel Ealing, 32, a quality reduction engineer at Jaguar. "It
positively reminds one of your obsession with plumbing, dentistry
and shampoo."
 
Collin Framinghampton-Smythe, an unemployed soccer hooligan for
Manchester United, agreed. "Bloody 'ell, you 'aven't got a single
snapshot of 'er knickers." "Shut your bloody gob, ye wee bastard,"
added his friend Derek Hobson, playfully smashing a pint glass into
Framinghampton-Smythe's face, dislodging four of his remaining
teeth before vomiting on the snooker table.
 
In Amsterdam, perhaps Europe's most cosmopolitan city, the locals
openly laugh at the perceived Puritanism of their American cousins.
"Americans, they must have hangups, many many hangups, not like we
open-minded Dutch," says leather-hooded, whip-wielding Mistress
Dominique, 67, a performer at Amsterdam's Elderslutz, a government-
operated live sex show featuring senior citizens. The show was
created by the Dutch government to provide jobs for unemployed
elderly prostitutes.
 
Bart TenBoek, 42, a government-employed heroin addict, agrees.
"Bill Clinton is a hero. He is a model of Eurostyle for the
backward Americans. No. Wait a minute. He is a tree. A big glowing,
pink tree. Flying across the sky making a beautiful, beautiful
rainbow," notes TenBoek, laughing uncontrollably as he collapses
into a fetal position.
 
In Milan, where "amore" is way of life, the citizenry is solidly
behind President Clinton. "Si, Beel Clinton is multi bello," say
Giancarlo Leone, 32, an unemployed movie extra and father of
twelve. "He is 'how you say' my-a hero." "Ciao, bella! Bellisima,
Bellisima," he compliments a passing girl, pausing to make
smooching sounds as he pinches her hindquarters. "Ow!" he adds
painfully, fleeing on his rusting Vespa to avoid another flowerpot
from his wife, who is screaming from a nearby balcony.
 
In faraway Barcelona, Juan Ortega has similar sentiments. "Si, I
tink de Americans, dey not like Meester Cleenton too good enough,"
says Ortega, who had a Coke concession at the 1992 Olympics, but
has since been unemployed. "Dey should love heem, like we love
paella or Generalissimo Franco."
 
Helga Ericksson, 54, an official with the Swedish Ministry of
Furniture and Suicide in Stockholm, agrees. "Yah, Americans are
fascists. They moost embrace Clinton. Like ve Svedes embrace
depression and death."
 
Germans Dieter Schaden, 28, and Igo Reinholdt, 34, have a message
for scandal-obsessed Americans. "Ja, get mitten der twentiest
century," says the couple, between acts of their bondage and
discipline show at a dark Berlin discotheque.
 
Jane, style editor at the New York Times and a longtime Europhile,
feels embarrassment over American scandalmania. "All across the
continent, they are laughing at our backward, prudish, puritan
morals. I almost feel too ashamed to go to there anymore," she
says, sipping a cup of black espresso. Kirschner thinks the
continentals are on to something.
 
"We have a lot to learn from them. Americans need to become more
open-minded and jaded. We need to adopt sophisticated European
ways, like $8 per gallon gasoline and 145% tax brackets." The
recent election gives Kirschner some hope,though. "Apparently,
Americans aren't as hung up on this scandal as the media thought.
Thankfully, we are becoming more like the Europeans."
 
     (Original source unknown.)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Feb 1999 10:33:17 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #12 (3rd of 3)
 
                     Weird Business News
                        by Jim Barlow
                  Houston Chronicle Columnist
 
Extra accommodations.
Our Say What? Award to the Rihga Royal Hotel in New York City.
According to trade magazine Travel Weekly, the hotel has equipped
100 of its suites with the Electronic Toilet Bidet Seat, which
includes a heated, ergonomically designed seat with an anti-slam
lid, water jets with a choice of oscillating or pulsing actions and
retractable nozzles. The hotel's general manager said, "It's just
one more way that the Rihga Royal Hotel New York takes care of
travelers from the bottom up."
 
Our Where's the Anti-Viagra? Award to Ford Motor Co., which
developed an old-guy suit -- bulk added to its knees, elbows,
stomach and back, and gloves that reduce the sense of touch -- so
its young engineers can put on the suit and better understand how
to design cars for older drivers.
 
From a usually unreliable source, the Internet, comes these items,
which purport to be actual comments made on employee evaluations.
 
 * "This individual has reached rock bottom and has started to
    dig."
 
 * "His men would follow him anywhere, but only from morbid
    curiosity."
 
 * "I would not allow this individual to breed."
 
 * "Not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
 
 * "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. He only gargled."
  
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Feb 1999 11:55:50 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Re: Humor Digest - 3 Feb 1999 to 4 Feb 1999
 
     [Response to posting removed for Archival Purposes]
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Ithaca/5309/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Feb 1999 11:36:59 -0800
From:    "Fong, Dara" <dara_fong@USCS.COM>
Subject: new software <bad words>
 
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system
which will be Year 2000 compliant.  Known as:
 
"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
 
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to
everyone.  We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that
all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one
person at a time can use MYASS.  This restriction will be removed
after MYASS expands.  Some employees have begun using the program
already.  This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was
not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.  Some
of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.
 
Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never
put anything in MYASS before."  I helped her through the first time
and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she
was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready
to kiss MYASS.  There have been concerns over the virus that was
found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS.  In the future, however,
protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.  This database
will encompass all information associated with the business.
 
As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want
in MYASS.  As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will
be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and
say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we
need data quickly and our employees  can respond, "Here it is, I
just pulled it out of MYASS.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Feb 1999 15:28:41 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Creative thinking 101
 
What to say if....
you get caught sleeping in your cubicle...
 
It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?
 
It's okay... I'm still billing the client.
 
This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the
last time-management course you sent me to.
 
I was working smarter, not harder.
 
Whew! Thanks for waking me up! Guess I left the top off the liquid
paper.
 
I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm!
 
You know, this is one of the seven habits of highly effective
people!
 
Oh, I'm sorry... They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
 
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance
 
This is a comp-time swap in exchange for the six hours last night
when I dreamt about my job and improvements at work!
 
I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?
 
OH, Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
to our biggest problem.. the alpha rhythms were coming in
perfectly...
 
The coffee machine is broke.... Someone must've put decaf in the
wrong pot.... It's not my fault!
 
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
 
Really, I was just cross-training for telecommuting.
 
Not sleeping. Trying to pick up contact without hands.
 
The mailman freaked and took out a gun so I was playing dead to
avoid getting shot... you better lie down too!
 
Gee boss, I thought you were gone for the day.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Feb 1999 19:09:48 EST
From:    Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Baseball
 
An Irishman, visiting his brother in the United States, was taken
to a baseball game.  He watched intently as a man came up to the
plate carrying a large stick.  Another man threw a ball at him,
which he hit with the stick and began running very fast down a
painted line to a bag lying in the dirt.
 
The crowd shouted: "Run!  Run!".  The next man came up to the
plate, and the process repeated.  Again, the crowd shouted: "Run!
Run!".  The third man came up, but let ball after ball go by
without swinging his stick.  Finally, he dropped the stick and
slowly walked down the line.  The Irishman stood up and shouted
"Run!  Run!".
 
His brother said to him: "He doesn't have to run, he has four
balls". The Irishman shouted: "Walk with pride man!  Walk with
pride!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Feb 1999 20:30:17 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Shingles
 
More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly
lines.  One fella walked into a doctor's office & the receptionist
asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his
name, address, medical insurance number & told him to have a seat.
 
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he
had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a
complete medical history & told him to wait in the examining room.
 
A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He
said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure
test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes
and wait for the doctor.
 
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He
said, "Shingles."
 
The doctor said, "Where?"
 
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Feb 1999 20:06:08 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Little Pig
 
Medically these days, we have to worry not only about human
diseases, but diseases of our companion and service animals. The
possibility of the prions responsible for mad cow disease being
transmitted to humans is of considerable recent notoriety in the
media. Oprah has just been the tip of the iceberg, to mix a
metaphor. Iowa pig farmers have an additional worry -- that the
mad cow disease may be transmitted to pigs resulting in mad pig
disease. In other words, they are worried about... the daze of
swine neurosis.
 
          --By Patrick Hester
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Feb 1999 19:47:13 -0800
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Hitchcock's Elevator Story
 
"Well, it was a quite shocking, I must say -- there was blood
everywhere!" Alfred Hitchcock began suddenly from the rear of the
elevator.  We were in the New York St. Regis Hotel, heading down to
the lobby.  There was as light flush to his cheeks from the several
frozen daiquiris he had just drunk in his suite.  The elevator had
just stopped and 3 people dressed for the evening had joined us,
and immediately Mr. Hitchcock had started to speak, sounding as
though he were in mid-sentence and projecting in that careful and
familiar TV tone of his.
 
He went on, "There was as stream of blood coming from his ear and
another from his mouth.
 
The people had recognized him immediately, but now they seemed
purposely to avoid looking at him.  He went right on, gazing
beatifically ahead of him as the elevator stopped again and another
well-dressed couple came aboard:  "Of course, there was a huge pool
of blood on the floor and his clothes were spattered with it -- Oh,
it was a horrible mess."
 
No one on the elevator, it seemed, was breathing.  "Blood all
around! Well, I looked at the poor man and I said, 'Good God, What
happened to you?'"  At that point the elevator doors opened onto
the lobby, and Hitchcock said, "Do you know what he told me?" and
then paused.  After a moment, and quite reluctantly, the other
passengers moved out of the elevator and then looked back at the
director as we walked away.
 
After several foggy moments, I asked, "Well, what DID he say?" and
Hitchcock smiled benevolently, taking my arm, and said, "Oh,
nothing -- that's just my elevator story."
 
          --Peter Bogdonavich, in April Harper's Magazine
 
via Scott E. Patrick <scottpatrick@juno.com>
    Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Feb 1999 to 5 Feb 1999
**********************************************
 
