HUMOR Digest - 2 Feb 1999 to 3 Feb 1999
There are 15 messages totalling 846 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Apes Demonstrate Basic Facts about Humanity
  2. Still Moore on Ontario
  3. Fan Application (Part 1 of 2)
  4. John and Sir
  5. Simple Rules Chicks Don't Know (adult)
  6. Special Day
  7. The Debasement of Groundhog Day
  8. A Porcine Story (Pun)
  9. New Sony Operating System <pt 1. - not offensive>
 10. Weird Business News #12 (1st of 3)
 11. Going out in style (slightly morbid)
 12. I'm Glad I'm a Woman
 13. Flippant comments & questions about contemporary life
 14. Cat Haiku
 15. Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Feb 1999 01:44:11 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Apes Demonstrate Basic Facts about Humanity
 
Start with a cage containing five apes.  In the cage, hang a banana
on a string and put stairs under it.  Before long, an ape will go
to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana.  As soon as he
touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.  After a
while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the
apes are sprayed with cold water.
 
Turn off the cold water.
 
If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes
will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
 
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.  To his
horror, all of the other apes attack him.  After another attempt
and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will
be assaulted.
 
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with
a New one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.  The
previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
 
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one.  The new one
makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.
 
Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not
permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the
beating of the newest ape.
 
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes
which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
 
"Because that's the way it's always been around here."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Feb 1999 04:13:01 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Still Moore on Ontario
 
*    The University of Toronto's "Faculty of Arts Calendar"
  lists an unusual English literature special study course:
  "Shakespeare: Hamlet, Anatomy and Cleopatra."
     I'll say this about that -- once a Frenchman, always a
  Frenchman.
                        - - - - -
 
* Strolling along the shops in Sault Saint Marie, a leading
  conductor spied rows of bass, catfish, lake trout & perch
  displayed with mouths open and eyes staring blankly ahead.
  "Allons !!! Alligresse !!!" he cried suddenly. "I'm due
  at the Winter Festival to conduct the chorus."
                        - - - - -
 
* One of the political heros of Ontario is Sir Oliver Mowat,
  one of the longest serving Prime Ministers (1872-1896). He
  fought for political rights for the province & the voters.
  All Ontario students are taught he was born in Kingston in
  a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
                        - - - - -
 
*    The first white man to explore the Ontario region was
  Etienne Brule of France. He encountered a wandering band
  of Iroquois indians intent on killing him.
     The explorer stopped and faced his pursuers then said,
  "You want to kill me because I explore ?  Isn't it enough
  punishment I am French and have to reside in this land ?"
     The Iroquois provided Monsieur Brule safe conduct back
  to his encampment.
                        - - - - -
 
*    Ontario's best known annual event is the Shakespearean
  Festival held in Stratford.  Even the hotels go all out
  naming rooms after the Bard of Avon's plays.
     A bride refused to spend her wedding nite in a suite
  called "Taming of the Shrew."  The hotel staff showed the
  couple to another (as yet unnamed) suite.
     The following morning, the blushing bride found she had
  spent the nite in the "Much Ado About Nothing" suite.
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Feb 1999 06:19:20 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Fan Application (Part 1 of 2)
 
Editor's note:
This originally came out after 1998's Super Bowl, but can be
applied anytime, to any professional sports team.  Just change a
brand name, event, location etc. and it's pretty much generic.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Only one week left before the Super Bowl to submit your
application. Any applications received after the kick off
will not be accepted.
 
Application to become a Green Bay Packer Fan
 
Name:________________________
 
CB Handle:____________________
 
Neck shade:
     _____Light Red
     _____Medium Red
     _____Dark Red
 
Number of teeth in exposed full grin: (Neither can exceed 3)
     _____Upper
     _____Lower
 
Mobile home color:
     _____Two-tone, brown & white
     _____Two-tone pink & white
     _____ Faded green
 
Model of Pickup Truck:____________
Size of Tires:___________________
Length of right leg:_______________
Length of left leg:________________
 
Note: To be accepted, you must be honest and you must be able to
check at least 20 items from the questions below.
 
Note that good Packer fans can sometimes check many answers for
some of the questions.
 
1. I am in love with:
     ____My right hand.
     ____My left hand.
     ____Both hands.
 
2. My favorite music:
     ____Country.
     ____Western.
     ____Anything played on the accordion.
 
3. My favorite meal:
     ____Head cheese & Old Milwaukee.
     ____Venison sausage and Old Milwaukee.
     ____Cheese curds and Old Milwaukee.
 
4. Preferred weapon:
     ____12 Gauge.
     ____Tire Iron.
     ____Forehead.
     ____Chain Saw.
     ____Ice Auger.
 
5. Primary auto:
     ____'67 Ford Galaxy.
     ____'67 Ford Galaxy with transmission.
     ____'67 Ford Galaxy with '73 Impala Tranny.
     ____'67 Ford Galaxy with '73 Impala Tranny and 
         '71 Buick Wagon Engine.
 
6. I usually greet people by saying:
     ____Ya hey dare.
     ____Dem Packers is playing like a bunch a old women.
     ____Dey should take da whole bunch a dem der Madison liberals
         and just lineem up and shootem.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Feb 1999 13:27:46 +0200
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: John and Sir
 
   Sir is comfortably installed in an armchair in the library,
reading a newspaper. Suddenly, John rips the door open and shouts:
"Sir, the Thames is flooding the streets!"
   Sir looks up calmly from the newspaper and says: "John, please.
I have already told you. If you do have something important to tell
me, first knock on the door, then enter and inform me, in a quiet
and civilized manner, about the issue. Now please, do so".
    John apologizes and closes the door behind him. Three seconds
after, Sir hears a knock on the door.
   "Yes?"
   John partially enters the room, and with a wide gesture makes
an invitation as for somebody on the outside to enter: "Sir, the
Thames".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Feb 1999 07:06:11 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Simple Rules Chicks Don't Know (adult)
 
 1. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.
 2. Learn to work the toilet seat - if it's up put it down.
 3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
 4. Don't make us guess.
 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
    answer you don't want to hear.
 6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
 7. We're never thinking about "The Relationship."
 8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
    every other cat.
 9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
    tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to
    like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and
    your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, we doesn't know what day it is. We never will. Mark
    anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Share the bathroom.
20. Share the closet.
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take the quiz
    together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
    argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
    expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
    ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know
    how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want
    it done, not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
    commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right
    to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the
    off-ramp, you saying, "This is our exit," is strictly not
    necessary.
39. Nothing says 'I love you' quite like a blowjob in the morning.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Feb 1999 07:46:49 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Special Day
 
   Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet
you don't know what day this is."
   "Of course I do," he answered indignantly, going out the door
and heading to the office.
   At 10am the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door,
she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At
1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates
arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
   The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the
flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
               ---------------------------
 
Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most
Americans prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite
but contains no ham. The porcine raisers were hopeful they'd see a
significant increase in their business after the scares about
health over beef, but  most of the benefits had gone to the poultry
and fish industries.  The sale of ham and bacon remained virtually
unchanged.
 
Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired a major
Madison Avenue advertising firm to boost sale of pork products.
They decided on an intensive campaign to saturate magazines,
television and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties.
 
The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced
to designate the second of February as the day when every family
would be urged to eat pork sausage. That day would be celebrated
nationally, of course, as Ground Hog Day.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Feb 1999 12:48:50 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The Debasement of Groundhog Day
 
Well, it is February 2nd, Groundhog Day.  Because they were begging
for new members and running so much coverage of my Purile President
and his BimboLoo (c)* my local radio station didn't even give the
official Groundhog Day report from Gobbler's Nob in Punxsutawney,
Pennsylvania.  When I got to work I looked up Punxsutawney Phil's
web site and got the straight dope.  Here it is:
 
PHIL DID NOT SEE HIS SHADOW!
PHIL DID NOT SEE HIS SHADOW!
That means spring is just around the corner.
 
My family will celebrate tonight with pork sausage.
 
Yet, even this most sacred of holidays has been tainted by the
scandal rocking our nation.  Polical Cartoonist Pat Oliphant shows
this in a cartoon which ran here in yesterday's paper:
 
The scene is the Whitehouse Lawn.  The FIRST DOG and FIRST
CAT (I believe the former is Buddy, but I know the latter is Socks)
are standing by a large tree.  There is a hollow where the
aboveground roots meet the trunk of the tree.  Buddy speaks:
 
BUDDY: It's so c-cold, Socks -- How l-long can this l-lousy
       winter l-last?
SOCKS: We could ask 'ole groundhog.
 
	{Panel 2}
 
B: K-kinda early, ain't it?
S: Hey, Phil  --if you came out now and didn't see your
   shadow, what could we expect?
 
	{Panel 3}
 
PHIL: (speaking, unseen, from amidst the roots of the tree)
      12 more months of basketball and 18 more months
      of impeachment trial...
 
	(Panel 4)
 
 PHIL: 2 more years of bombing Iraq, 4 more years of
       Liddy Dole _maybe_ running for President...
BUDDY: Y-you would ask.
SOCKS: I hope he stays in.
               ____________________________
 
*  Bimboloo:  MY Nonce word which I made up all by myself.
              It combines 'Bimbo' and 'Waterloo.'
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Feb 1999 09:37:58 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: A Porcine Story (Pun)
 
        [Duplicate post removed for Archival Purposes]
     [See 2nd post under Paul Benoit's "Special Day" above]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Feb 1999 10:18:25 -0800
From:    "Fong, Dara" <dara_fong@USCS.COM>
Subject: New Sony Operating System <pt 1. - not offensive>
 
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available
on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing
the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows
95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara
said: "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human,
Japanese face on what has been -until now- an operating system
that reflects Western cultural hegemony.  For example, we have
replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages
with our own Japanese haiku poetry."
 
The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:
             - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
    A file that big?
    It might be very useful.
    But now it is gone.
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
    The Web site you seek
    cannot be located but
    endless others exist
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
    Chaos reigns within.
    Reflect, repent, and reboot.
    Order shall return.
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
    Aborted effort:
    Close all that you have.
    You ask way too much.
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
    First snow, then silence.
    This thousand dollar screen dies
    so beautifully.
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
    With searching comes loss
    and the presence of absence:
    "My Novel" not found.
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
    The Tao that is seen
    Is not the true Tao, until
    You bring fresh toner.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Feb 1999 12:31:43 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #12 (1st of 3)
 
               Business world goes into analysis
                        by JIM BARLOW
                  Houston Chronicle Columnist
 
JUST IN CASE you thought the business world was sane, here is
another edition of Weird Business News to dissuade you of that
delusion. It's the February examination of what people do in
pursuit of a buck.
 
To the Campbell Soup Co. goes our I Really Didn't Want to Know That
Award for its press release about the three top ways children avoid
eating their vegetables. They are -- hey, if I had to find out, you
do too -- (1) feeding them to the dog, (2) hiding the veggies in
their napkins and (3) sitting at the table for hours until their
parents give up.
 
Our Where's the Pizza? Award to Miller Lite for its beer truck with
this Sign of the Times: "Driver carries no more than 20,000 gallons
of beer."
 
Our Boycott, Schmoycott Award to the Kingdom of Jordan. As two
unions of pharmacists and doctors called for a boycott of U.S. and
British drugs to protest airstrikes on Iraq, they also welcomed the
government approval of the male impotence drug Viagra.
 
The What A Surprise Award to the trade association for the chicken
production and processing industry, which officially became the
National Chicken Council and announced it was committed to its
mission of promoting the sale and consumption of (drum roll please)
chicken.
 
The Grantland Rice is Dead Award to International Management
Group's Football Division for its naming of the Denver Broncos'
offensive line as The Muzzlemen. For those who are wondering just
who is Grantland Rice, he was the sportswriter who coined the
phrase, the Four Horsemen of Notre Dame.
 
Our You Want a Buck, Here's a Buck Award to Edward Aragi of
Stamford, Conn. When his bank refused to change its decision in
a dispute over a bounced check, he hauled a dead deer into the bank
and wouldn't remove it until the bank relented.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Feb 1999 15:07:44 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Going out in style (slightly morbid)
 
An ABC talkback was started on radio about the funny side of death.
A woman rang in and told how her grandfather was in hospital and
was expected to die soon. She received a call from the hospital to
come as quickly as possible, and so she raced over to her
grandfather's bed, where she found a nurse massaging his feet in
front of a radiator she had placed on a chair.
 
The woman asked "What are you doing?" and the nurse replied "I'm
keeping his feet warm. Nobody ever died with warm feet."
 
Grandpa, who had been unconscious, suddenly woke up and said "Joan
of Arc did" and promptly died.
 
The woman couldn't think of a nicer memory to have of grandpa's
death, as he had died the way he had lived, making people laugh.
 
 
<http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Ithaca/5309/>
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Feb 1999 13:27:59 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: I'm Glad I'm a Woman
 
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
 
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my bed gains a notch
 
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see --  I'm just not that kind!
I am glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad - I could sing
I sure don't have body hair like shag carpeting
 
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over, you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll not buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
 
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
 
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
 
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
 
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
 
     (In response to "Man, I'm Glad I'm a Man")
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Feb 1999 19:14:26 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Flippant comments & questions about contemporary life
 
One thing I've learned watching Strom Thurmond during this
impeachment trial is that the secret to a long life is to shampoo
with Tang.
 
Where have all the Clinton-Gore bumper stickers gone?
 
I'm taking six pills a day for all sorts of things that are wrong
with me. Now my wife says I'm a hypochondriac. Is there a pill I
can take for that?
 
How is it that you can yell and yell at your kids and they can't
hear you but try whispering a secret to your husband in another
room and they come in and say they heard every word?
 
Liberalism: The haunting fear that someone might get to keep a
dollar or two of his or her won money.
 
Ken Starr and Saddam Hussein are certainly making things tough for
the president. First he has to deal with an irrational zealot who
will stop at nothing in his jihad against the U.S. government. Then
he has to deal with Saddam Hussein.
 
Why do grown men giggle like a bunch of immature teenagers about
how much bear they've drunk?
 
We pay more and more teachers to teach fewer and fewer children at
greater and greater costs to get dumber and dumber kids.
 
Some people should be sworn in and others sworn at.
 
Would anyone like to join me in a class-action suit against the
manufacturers of cellular phones because they create potentially
fatal traffic accidents?
 
Bob Dole for first lady!
 
The term "sport utility vehicle" just doesn't match the people I
see driving them. I say we call them "Mommy Trucks," or better yet,
"Wimp Wagons."
 
I heard my older son lie to my younger son the other day. The
younger son said, "You Clinton!"
 
Bill Clinton has that special quality to stimulate Republicans to
make-up stories about children.
 
I miss the days when the chirping of birds would wake me up. Now
I'm awakened by car alarms.
 
We new parents may talk a lot about our children, but it's better
than hearing you go on and on about "Melrose Place."
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Feb 1999 16:43:35 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Cat Haiku
 
 You never feed me.
 Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
 That will sure show you.
 
 You must scratch me there!
 Yes, above my tail!
 Behold, elevator butt.
 
 The rule for today
 Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
 New rule tomorrow.
 
 In deep sleep hear sound
 cat vomit hairball somewhere
 will find in morning.
 
 Grace personified.
 I leap into the window.
 I meant to do that.
 
 Blur of motion, then --
 silence, me, a paper bag.
 What is so funny?
 
 The mighty hunter
 Returns with gifts of plump birds --
 Your foot just squashed one.
 
 You're always typing.
 Well, let's see you ignore my
 sitting on your hands.
 
 My small cardboard box.
 You cannot see me if I
 can just hide my head.
 
 Terrible battle.
 I fought for hours. Come and see!
 What's a 'term paper'?
 
 Kitty likes plastic
 Confuses for litter box
 Don't leave tarp around
 
 Small brave carnivores
 Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
 Fear vacuum cleaner
 
 I want to be close
 to you. Can I fit my head
 inside your armpit?
 
 Wanna go outside.
 Oh, shit! Help! I got outside!
 Let me back inside!
 
 Oh no! Big One
 has been trapped by newspaper!
 Cat to the rescue!
 
 Humans are so strange.
 Mine lies still in bed, then screams
 My claws are not that sharp.
 
 Cats meow out of angst
 "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
 We could break so much!"
 
 Litter box not here
 You must have moved it again
 I'll crap in the sink
 
 The Big Ones snore now
 Every room is dark and cold
 Time for "Cup Hockey"
 
 We're almost equals
 I purr to show I love you
 Want to smell my butt?
 
          --thanks to Katherine Boswell
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Feb 1999 18:57:26 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule
 
 Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule
 
 MONDAYS:
  8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
  8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
  9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
  9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
 10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
 
TUESDAYS:
  8:00 - "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
  8:30 - "The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
  9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
  9:30 - "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
 10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
 
 WEDNESDAYS:
  8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
  8:30 - "When Kurds Attack"
  9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah"
  9:30 - "Just Shoot Me"
 10:00 - "Veilwatch"
 
 THURSDAYS:
  8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
  8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
  9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, ShapelessDresses"
  9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
 10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
 
 FRIDAYS:
  8:00 - "Judge Saddam"
  8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
  9:00 - "Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
  9:30 - "Achmed's Creek
 10:00 - "No-witness News"
 
          --from Griff Evans
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Feb 1999 to 3 Feb 1999
**********************************************
 
