HUMOR Digest - 1 Feb 1999 to 2 Feb 1999
There are 13 messages totalling 596 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Mixed Up Metaphors (Puns)
  2. (Not so Sweet) Mysteries of Life
  3. Empty & Monica (only off. to Monica)
  4. Super Bowl Followup
  5. Soon To Be Newlyweds  <adult>
  6. Down Under
  7. Airplane crash
  8. Definitions
  9. Contrived questions & comments about contemporary life
 10. Ethnic Stereotype of The Day
 11. Good Sayings
 12. A Lawyer Needs a Hobby
 13. If Abbie was a man <Adult, sex content & MCP. Long, too>
 
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Date:    Mon, 1 Feb 1999 00:37:19 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Mixed Up Metaphors (Puns)
 
	     The best of MIXED UP METAPHORS
	     By Richard Lederer from his book
	     "Anguished English"
 
I wouldn't be caught dead in that movie with a ten-foot pole.
 
The sacred cows have come home to roost with a vengeance.
 
Milwaukee is the golden egg that the rest of the state wants to
milk.
 
She'll get it by hook or ladder.
 
The bankers' pockets are bulging with the sweat of the honest
working man.
 
That's a very hard blow to swallow.
 
These hemorrhoids are a real pain in the neck.
 
The slowdown is accelerating.
 
That snake in the grass is barking up the wrong tree.
 
When we get to that bridge, we'll jump.
 
Don't sit there like a sore thumb -
 
Everyone whose ox has been gored is going to be squealing.
 
It's time to swallow the bullet.
 
It's time to grab the bull by the tail and look it in the eye.
 
The budget deficit is an albatross we carry on our back.
 
The sword of Damocles is hanging over Pandora's Box.
 
It's as easy as falling off a piece of cake.
 
I was so surprised you could have knocked me over with a fender.
 
Let dead dogs sleep.
 
Stop beating a dead horse to death.
 
Regret to inform you that the hand that rocked the cradle has
kicked the bucket.
 
From now on, I'm watching everything you do with a fine-tuned comb.
 
That guy's out to butter his own nest.
 
I would not have gone in there over my dead body.
 
Many cities and towns have community gardening programs that need a
little more help to get off the ground.
 
He threw a wet towel on the meeting.
 
We've got to be careful about getting too many cooks into this
soup, or somebody's going to think there's dirty work behind the
crossroads.
 
We both had crewcuts, which made our ears stick out Eke sore
thumbs.
 
In our school, freshmen are on the lowest rungs of the totem pole.
 
He's between a rock and the deep blue sea.
 
Let's hope that Steve Carlton gets his curve ball straightened out.
 
Let us nip this political monkey in the bud before it sticks to us
like a leech.
 
He was a very astute politician with both ears glued to the ground.
 
I do hope that you don't think I've been making a mountain out of a
mole hole, but that's the whole kettle of fish in a nutshell.
                         - - - - - - - - -
 
If you have a chance, watch Richard Lederer on the Monday night,
February 1, @ 8 p.m., debut of "20/20" on ABC television.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Feb 1999 03:39:27 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: (Not so Sweet) Mysteries of Life
 
* Throughout the Bible's Old Testament, not much good is said
  about adultery.  Turn to the New Testament however and there
  we are admonished to "Love our Neighbor" -- I mean, go figure.
                           - - - - -
 
* The Bible study class was told that Solomon fed his thousand
  wives ambrosia & nectar.  Never mind that !!!  I wantta know
  what the hell HE ate and drank.
                           - - - - -
 
* The computer age finally entered the weekly football pools at
  the State Highway Administration.  Problem is now though, the
  computer wins every damn week.
                           - - - - -
 
* I've heard several Senators say they were going to "vote their
  conscience" on the matter of removing Clinton from office. OK,
  but what are those Senators without consciences supposed to do.
                           - - - - -
 
* I love to hold a conversation. Problem is, many people don't
  know how to let go of it.  I've often wondered if people who
  love to shoot off their mouths use gunpowder as toothpaste.
                           - - - - -
 
* We've all heard "Laughter is the best medicine".  Lately though
  I'm not all that sure -- if that were really true, wouldn't the
  medical profession have found a way by now to charge us for it?
                           - - - - -
 
* Following my bypass, I was confined to only the upper level of
  our house, not allowed to use stairs or ride in a car for three
  weeks.  Well... except to go see the doctors, of course.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Feb 1999 06:57:00 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Empty & Monica (only off. to Monica)
 
    A man from Maryland was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It
was her turn, he rolled the dice and she landed on "Science &
Nature." His  question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone
calls your name, can  you hear it?"
    He thought for a time and then asked..."Is it on or off?"
          ---------------------------------------
 
   Monica Lewinsky was walking along a beach, when she spotted a
bottle in the sand.  She bent over and picked up the bottle, began
to wipe the sand off the bottle, when POOF, out jumped a Genie from
the bottle.  He thanked Monica for freeing him from the bottle, and
offered her 1 wish.
   Monica thought to herself, "Well, I'm already famous, and with
my new book being published, I'm going to be rich". Suddenly an
idea came to her.  She looked at the Genie and said "You know, I
really wish you could make these love handles of mine disappear",
and POOF ... her ears fell
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Feb 1999 07:13:49 -0500
From:    Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: Super Bowl Followup
 
We all watched the Super bowl, followed by the requisite
Disneyland/Disneyworld commercial. Now the question arises,
'How can we top this?'
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
Bill Clinton, you have just been convicted of Perjury and
Obstruction of Justice. What are you going to do now?!?!
 
I'm going to Hooters!!!!!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Feb 1999 08:17:37 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Soon To Be Newlyweds  <adult>
 
A couple was about to be married. The groom was walking down the
aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man
noticed that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his
face. The best man asked, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be
getting married, but what's up - you look so excited."
 
The groom replied, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had
in my entire life!"
 
Just then the bride came walking down the aisle and she, too, had
the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor noticed
this and asked, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be
getting married, but what's up - you look so excited."
 
The bride replied, "I have just given the last blow job of my
entire life!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Feb 1999 09:12:20 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Down Under
 
Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long time and when
he was offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he
decided to take it up.  On his first day things were going great
until he arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin
out the front.  Neville thought to himself, "I wanna do a good job
and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house
then I will get fired."  So he went up to the door and knocked on
it.
 
To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered.  Neville
breathed a sight of relief and said to the other bloke, "Where's ya
bin?"
 
The man replied, "I bon on 'olidays,"
 
Neville then said, "Na, mate, where's ya BIN?"
 
"I bin on 'olidays I tell ya," was the reply.
 
Neville, slightly frustrated, says, "Na, ya fucken idiot -- where's
ya Wheelie Bin?"
 
The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening. "Well,"
he said. "I weally bin in jail -- but I'm tellin' everyone I bin
on 'olidays, eh!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Feb 1999 17:14:04 +0200
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: Airplane crash
 
Flight seven-oh-niner has a pretty rough time above the ocean.
Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen,
please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have
lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as
possible down on the water".
 
"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a
little old lady, terrified.
 
"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a
 special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially
 for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and
 legs".
 
"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the
 little lady.
 
"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so
 much".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Feb 1999 10:35:13 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Definitions
 
NOTICE:
I received word from a friend that the "Girls You Might See
In The Restroom" joke I sent in Thurs 28 Jan 1999 was a lot
older than I'd assumed...
 
> Alan Dundes and Carl R. Pagter (1975.  Urban Folklore from
> the Paperwork Empire.  Austin, TX: American Folklore Society)
> give the essence of this story both in text and cartoon form.
> They indicate that it had been around for years in '75.
     Thanx, Jim!!
               -------------------------------
 
Abdicate -- v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 
Balderdash -- n., a rapidly receding hairline.
 
Bustard -- n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
 
Carcinoma -- n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy
                 smog.
 
Circumvent -- n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
 
Coffee -- n., a person who is coughed upon.
 
Esplanade -- v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
 
Flabbergasted -- adj., appalled over how much weight you have
                       gained.
 
Flatulence -- n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
                  are run over by a steamroller.
 
Gargoyle -- n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
 
Lymph -- v., to walk with a lisp.
 
Marionettes -- n., residents of Washington who have been jerked
                   around by the mayor.
 
Negligent -- adj., describes a condition in which you absent-
                   mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
 
Oyster -- n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with
              Yiddish expressions.
 
Rectitude -- n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
                 proctologist immediately before he examines you.
 
Semantics -- n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the
                 priesthood, including such things as gluing the
                 pages of the priest's prayer book together just
                 before vespers.
 
Testicle -- n., a humorous question to an exam.
 
Willy-nilly -- adj., impotent.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Feb 1999 15:53:51 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Contrived questions & comments about contemporary life
 
Watch out for people with vision. An hallucination is a vision.
 
How come the House managers didn't need any witness testimony to
indict, yet now they must have witnesses to convict?
 
What a stupid question: Everybody knows that Republicans don't need
evidence to convict Clinton, but to get a Democrats to convict
Clinton, the House managers would actually need some evidence.
 
I just paid more for a small coffee than I did for a gallon of
gasoline.
 
I prefer "Seinfeld" and "Friends" reruns to sex. I wish my husband
felt the same.
 
I would rather give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to my dog than a
cigarette smoker.
 
President Clinton, you have the right to remain silent. Anything
you say will be misquoted by "journalists," then used against you.
 
Rubberneckers are like snowflakes: No two look alike and both will
back up traffic.
 
Psychiatry is the search of the id by the odd.
 
Thank you, Mr. President, for spending 15 years of budget surpluses
that we don't even have yet.
 
I don't know how things work in the Clinton household, but this is
the point where my wife would make me resign.
 
It's better to have loved and lost than to be stuck with the same
jerk for the rest of your life.
 
I don't believe it. A telemarketers hung up on me. Do I win a prize
or something?
 
The guy in the muffler shop said I didn't need an appointment. They
could hear me coming.
 
If Bill Clinton testifies at the trial, would it make any sense to
swear him in?
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Feb 1999 17:11:33 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Ethnic Stereotype of The Day
 
        Feb 1.  St. Brigid's Day
 
"This fifth-century Irish patron saint of dairy maids is
 credited with the miracle of having changed her bath-
 water into beer to refresh a group of hungry people."

I wonder if she was using IRISH SPRING soap at the time...

     --the "Forgotten English" calendar for 1999
       by Jeffrey Kacirk
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Feb 1999 17:08:07 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Good Sayings
 
 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
 2. A day without sunshine is, like, night.
 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
 8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
    misquoted, then used against you.
 9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it
    remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
    cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
 
          --thanks to Katherine Boswell
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Feb 1999 18:10:05 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: A Lawyer Needs a Hobby
 
A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby.  Since his
buddies talked about sailing, he thought he'd give it a go.  He
went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions.
Everything seemed to be going well when he said, "How do you dock
the boat?"
 
The salesman replied, "Well, you really don't dock the sailboat,
you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock.  This way you don't
bang up the finish on the craft."
 
"Well then," the lawyer asked, "How do you get out to the
 sailboat?"
 
"Good question." The salesman told him. "You can get a small raft
 and paddle out to the boat, or you can just walk out to the boat,
 if you don't mind getting wet."
 
"Oh, I get it," the lawyer replied... "It's Row vs Wade."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Feb 1999 12:56:45 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: If Abbie was a man <Adult, sex content & MCP. Long, too>
 
Dear Abbie:
 
Q: My husband to be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid
   he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to
   increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a
   few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for
   you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present,
   and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his
   behaviour.
 
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be
   encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his
   prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night
   out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to
  you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how
  emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable
  home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present,
  and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his
  behaviour.
 
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and
   my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of
   you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from
   being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why
   not some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then
   let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive
   present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect
   of his behaviour.
 
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories
   a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure
   and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows
   this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally
   selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he
   loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice,
   expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
 
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess
   with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget
   you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to
   sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your
   man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
 
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love -
   we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he
   needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work
   his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting
   pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook
   him a nice meal.
 
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that
   he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the
   more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive
   present, and cooking him a nice meal.
 
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do
   not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot
   to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and
   make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and
   cooking a nice meal.
 
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-
   hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't
   mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a
   nice expensive present... and don't forget to cook him a
   delicious meal.
 
 
          --forwarded by Max Blumberg
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Feb 1999 to 2 Feb 1999
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