HUMOR Digest - 31 Jan 1999 to 1 Feb 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 485 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Weekly Traffic Report
  2. The NASDAQ Report
  3. Insurance Money <adult theme>
  4. Corporate America
  5. Don't Drown Those Puppies  <adultish>
  6. Stupid Criminal Story #9
  7. (Adult Content) Cinderella
  8. Confession
  9. Time Warped
 10. Career Comparison
 
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Date:    Sun, 31 Jan 1999 03:58:50 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Weekly Traffic Report
 
Good Morning y'all, here I am with this week's Traffic Report.
This is the Weekly Traffic Report that is sent to all of the
Humor List subscribers once a month.
 
A good member service provided by our last Traffic Reporter
(Jim Goldman) on the Web page he maintained for our List was a
listing of the member's Home Pages. I would like to reinstitute
this service now.  If you maintain a personal Web Page & would
like to be included in this list, please e-mail me.  Until the
number of listings requires additional headings, there will be
two categories, "humor" and "other".
 
Remember, if you missed or <shudder> deleted a Digest, they're
available (normally the same day the Digests are sent out) at:
      www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr   (text files)
      www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293   (zip files)
The complete 1996 Digests for Jan-Feb as well as those for March
1-15 are there now. All of the 1997 and 1998 Digests have been
there for some time.
 
                                                JimJr
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     Traffic Report for HUMOR, 24 Jan 1999 - 30 Jan 1999
 
                      (Number of articles posted each day)
                                           Last    Last    This
Date   Day         1996    1997    1998    Month   Week    Week
 
 24  Sunday         10      12      10       8       8      11
 25  Monday         18      21      13      11      14      11
 26  Tuesday        17      19      12       9      13      10
 27  Wednesday      22      21      15       5      13      13
 28  Thursday       15      27      15       7      14      15
 29  Friday         13      21      11       4      12      10
 30  Saturday        7       8       8       8       7      11
 
   (Average)        15      18      11       7      12      12
 
Subscriptions    9,296   9,365   8,500   7,659   7,601   7,644
Countries           68      89     104     114     116     116
Contributors       714     838     740     584     589     588
 
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct
mailings.  The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers.
 
       The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:
 
Argentina,  Australia,  Austria,  Bahrain,  Bangladesh,  Belarus,
Belgium,  Belize,  Bermuda,  Bhutan,  Bolivia,  Botswana, Brazil,
Brunei,  Bulgaria,  Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands,
Costa Rica,  Croatia,  Cuba,  Cyprus,  Czech Republic,  Denmark,
Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, England, Estonia,
Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji,  Finland,  France, Georgia,
Germany, Greece, Guam, Guatemala,  Hong Kong,  Hungary,  Iceland,
India,  Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica,  Japan,
Jordan,  Kazakhstan,  Kenya,  Korea,  Kuwait,  Latvia,  Lebanon,
Liechtenstein, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macau, Macedonia, Malaysia,
Malta, Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique,  Namibia,
Nepal, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nigeria, Northern Ireland, Norway,
Oman,  Pakistan,  Panama,  Paraguay,  Peru,  Philippines, Poland,
Portugal,  Qatar,  Romania,  Russia,  Saudi Arabia,  Scotland,
Singapore, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka,
Suriname,  Sweden,  Switzerland,  Taiwan,  Thailand, Tanzania,
Trinidad and Tobago, Tunisia, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab
Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Vietnam, Wales, Zambia, Zimbabwe
 
Total countries: 116
 
           Email me if your country is not listed here.
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HUMOR GOALS
 
A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects
Freedom of expression for contributors
Protection of sensitivities for readers
     (heading warning requirement)
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To Subscribe to the Humor List:
 
Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter,
type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
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A few of the more widely used commands:
 
Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type:
 
   GET HUMOR GUIDE           become a contributor
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In order to verify current addresses, ListServer randomly selects
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Subscribers
need take no action when such a message is received.
 
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Archived Files:
 
A complete set of the UGA Humor Digests for 1997-1998,
with the original Subject indexes for easy searching:
 
                [original text format]
     http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
 
      [original text compressed to zip format]
     http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Message Board:
 
A Humor List rule has always been no discussion on the mailings.
This is as it should be.  People who subscribe to a joke list
expect jokes, not banter.  But as an alternate, a Message Board
is now available to ALL members (and guests) who wish to comment
on previously posted jokes or those who enjoy a forum format:
           www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
It is NOT intended as a site to leave messages or questions for
the ListOwners, nor is it an alternate site to post jokes, but a
place for messages intended for the entire membership's viewing.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
 
And now for a contribution of humor:
 
For many years in the US preceding the 11 o'clock news on TV,
the announcer would say:
"It's 11 o'clock. Do you know where your children are ?"
 
This custom spread quickly to some other countries --
Australia: "It's 11 o'clock. Do you know where your Fosters is ?"
Italy: "It's 11 o'clock. Do you know where your husband is ?"
France: "It's 11 o'clock. Do you know where your wife is ?"
Ontario Canada: "It's 11 o'clock. Do you know what time it is ?"
 
 
                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@qis.net
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 31 Jan 1999 01:28:31 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Re: The NASDAQ Report
 
     [non-humorous post removed for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 31 Jan 1999 07:54:09 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Insurance Money <adult theme>
 
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought
his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him
out on the counter... Then she started talking to him, and tracing
her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you
promised me Irving?"
 
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She
then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She
answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance
money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving
remember that bj I promised you? Here it comes..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 31 Jan 1999 07:56:49 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Corporate America
 
  You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When...
  =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
 1. You ask the waiter from Maryland what the restaurant's core
    competencies are.
 2. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-based
    organization."
 3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
 4. You can spell "paradigm" and "Maryland".
 5. You actually know what a paradigm is and you are from Maryland.
 6. You understand your airline's fare structure.
 7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
 8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
 9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page
    presentation with six people from Maryland that you don't know.
10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a
    performance review OR you celebrate your weeding anniversary in
    Maryland.
11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just
    "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital in Maryland.
13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of
    yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this
    off-line but not in Maryland."
15. You can explain to somebody the difference between
    "re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing" and "firing
    people's asses."
16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives
    late.
18. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."
19. You refer to your significant other as "my Co-CEO."
20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to
    comprehend.
23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead
    of an expense.
24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and
    your spouse produce another child.
25. At your last family reunion in Maryland, you wanted to have an
    emergency meeting about their brand equity.
26. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid
    bills.
27. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
28. You ask the car salesman from Maryland if the car comes with a
    white board and Internet connection.
29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 31 Jan 1999 08:31:55 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Don't Drown Those Puppies  <adultish>
 
There was a Queen Sized lady at the lake this weekend.  Her bosoms
were about to pop out of her bathing suit when a boat came by and
knocked her under.  She came back up and was knocked down again,
and everyone noticed that her top was around her ankles.  She
finally regained her footing, and as she was putting everything
back into place, you could hear this little boy saying:
 
"Ma'am, if you're trying to drown those puppies, I'll take the fat
 one with the brown nose..."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 31 Jan 1999 09:14:41 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Stupid Criminal Story #9
 
ABERDEEN, S.D. (AP)(C) -- A would-be casino robber foiled by his
own cologne has received seven years behind bars.
 
Jerold Nissen of Aberdeen wore a Halloween mask as he entered the
casino Nov. 4 with a loaded gun, said Ken Varns, assistant Brown
County state's attorney. When Nissen announced the robbery, a
casino clerk recognized his cologne as that of a regular patron
and addressed Nissen by name.
 
``She told him to take the mask off, that it wasn't funny,'' Varns
  said. ``He put the gun away, took the mask off, sat down at a
  machine and played lottery for a few minutes.''
 
The robbery attempt was reported the next day, when casino
officials noticed phone lines had been cut. A search of Nissen's
truck turned up the mask, gun and wire clippers, Varns said.
 
Nissen pleaded guilty to attempted robbery Friday in exchange for
the seven-year sentence. The charge carries a maximum sentence of
12 1/2 years.
 
     --from the Associated Press
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 31 Jan 1999 08:30:46 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: (Adult Content) Cinderella
 
We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked
stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up
and gives Cinderella some good news:
 
The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her
everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on 2 conditions.
Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother
replies, "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
 
Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, "You must be crazy! I'm on
the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm."
 
The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome
princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella
agrees to wear a diaphragm.
 
"Well, what's the second condition?" Cinderella asked.
 
The fairy godmother replies, "You must be back home and 2:00 AM.
Well, Cinderella explains that if she's going to go party with the
princes, she wants to be out all night long. The fairy godmother
tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2AM, then her diaphragm
will turn into a pumpkin and reminds her that at least she'll be
with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be
home at 2AM...
 
At 2AM, Cinderella doesn't show up... 3AM, no Cinderella... 4AM, no
Cinderella... finally, at 5AM, Cinderella shows up at the door with
a huge grin on her face.
 
The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says,
"Where the hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn
into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!"
 
Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he
took care of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders about a prince
with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name to which she
replies, "I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or
other..."
 
 
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 31 Jan 1999 20:48:49 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: confession
 
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to
attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest
then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the
man to speak.
 
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper
in this one either."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 31 Jan 1999 20:45:32 -0800
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Time Warped
 
I had gathered my first-grade class around me to teach them to tell
time using a conventional-style analog clock.  We'll be learning
about the hour hand and the minute hand, I explained.  One of my
students interrupted and said, "I don't need to learn on that kind
of clock.  My dad bought me this digital watch, and right now it's
10 minutes to 38."
 
          --Susan K. Toth in Reader's Digest
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 31 Jan 1999 21:40:11 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Career Comparison
 
COMPARATIVE CAREERS
 
----------------------------      ---------------------------
Drug Dealers                      Software Developers
----------------------------      ---------------------------
 
Refer to their clients            Refer to their clients
as "users".                       as "users".
  
"The first one's free!"           "Download a free trial
                                   version..."
 
Have important South-East         Have important South-East
Asian connections                 Asian connections
(to help move the stuff).         (to help debug the code).
 
Strange jargon:                   Strange jargon:
  "Stick"                            "SCSI"
  "Rock"                             "RTFM"
  "Wrap"                             "Packet"
  "E"                                "C"
  "Stash"                            "Cache"
  "Drive by"                         "CTRL ALT DEL"
  "Hit (LSD)"                        "Hit (WWW)"
  "Source"                           "Source-code"
  "The Pigs"                         "Microsoft"
 
Realize that there's              Realize that there's
tons of cash in the               tons of cash in the
14- to 25-year-old                14- to 25-year-old
market.                           market.
 
Your clients really like your     Your clients really like your
stuff when it works. When it      stuff when it works. When it
doesn't work they want to kill    doesn't work they want to kill
you.                              you.
 
Job is assisted by the            Job is assisted by the
industry producing                industry producing
newer, more potent product.       newer, more potent products.
 
When things go wrong, a           When things go wrong, a
"fix" is just a phone call        "fix" is just a phone call
away but may be expensive         away but may be expensive
 
A lot of successful people        A lot of successful people
getting rich in this industry     getting rich in this industry
while still teenagers             while still teenagers
 
Their product causes              DOOM. Quake. SimCity.
unhealthy addictions.             Duke Nukem 3D.  'Nuff said.
 
Do your job well, and             Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
you can sleep with
sexy movie stars who
depend on you.
 
 
          ----with thanks to Katherine Boswell
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Jan 1999 to 1 Feb 1999
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