HUMOR Digest - 30 Jan 1999 to 31 Jan 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 593 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Moore on Ontario Canada
  2. E-Mail Blues
  3. The NASDAQ Report
  4. Equipment
  5. Detroit Lions
  6. Procrastinator's Creed
  7. Advice
  8. Oh sola SLOWLY
  9. Puny Riddles Again
 10. Its a Wacky World! #55
 11. Things I've Learned Over The Years
 
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Date:    Sat, 30 Jan 1999 04:56:45 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Moore on Ontario Canada
 
* The weather in Ontario.  Whew !  I mean let's be honest --
  how many people from the US retire and move north ?
                        - - - - -
 
* Let me assure y'all that there's no truth to the rumor that
  all Ontario women are ugly.  I found that most of them are
  perfect 10's: their faces are a 2... their bodies are a 2...
                        - - - - -
 
* Taxes collected by the provincial government provide about
  two-thirds of Ontario's income.  The remainder comes from
  betting on hockey games.
                        - - - - -
 
* Ontario has a Department of University Affairs. Personally,
  I think that's carrying government too far.  I mean making
  the college kids get a permit before having an affair seems
  seems a bit much to me.
                        - - - - -
 
*    Speaking of colleges (I was) a University of Toronto
  professor announced prior to an exam, "This first question
  is designed to make you think."
     A student yelled out" "No fair !  Trick question."
                        - - - - -
 
* Tell ya what, if any of y'all are invited to go hunting in
  Ontario, I'd beg off if I were you.  Both the moose and
  caribou are plentiful, but the last three local guides I
  had each got a hernia from carrying the decoys.
                        - - - - -
 
*   Once when Mrs JimJr and I were in Toronto, our host threw
  a large party.  I noticed that during the evening, a lot of
  men came over to speak to Mrs JimJr.
    After the party was over, she told me that every man she
  spoke to had propositioned her.
    Our host apologized and said, "Don't be offended; you see,
  in Toronto that's only a common courtesy."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 30 Jan 1999 08:29:20 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: E-Mail Blues
 
 1. Those who have it would be devastated if it was cut off.
 2. Those who have think that those who don't are inferior.
 3. Those who don't have it think that it's neat, but think it's
    not worth the fuss that those who have it make over it.
 4. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a
    phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy".
 5. Its' more fun when it is up, but this makes it hard to get
    any real work done.
 6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
    information vital to the survival of the species. Some people
    still think that the only thing it should be used for, but most
    folks these days use it mostly for fun.
 7. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
 8. If you use it too much, you will find it becomes more and more
    difficult to think coherently.
 9. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its
    actual size and influence warrants.
10. If you are not careful what you do with it, it can get you into
    a lot of trouble.
11. If you play with it too much you could blind.
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
(An addition to "Vocational Vacation Spots" 01/28/99 Digest)
 
Gamblers:  Luck, Wisconsin
 
          --thanks to Thomas Rowe
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 30 Jan 1999 08:33:02 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The NASDAQ Report
 
 *Helium was up, feathers were down.
 *Paper was stationary.
 *Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
 *Knives were up sharply.
 *Cows steered into a bull market.
 *Pencils lost a few points.
 *Hiking equipment was trailing.
 *Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
 *Weights were up in heavy trading.
 *Light switches were off.
 *Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
 *Diapers remain unchanged.
 *Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
 *The market for raisins dried up.
 *Coca Cola fizzled.
 *Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
 *Sun peaked at midday.
 *Balloon prices were inflated.
 *And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
 *And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
 *And finally, the state of Maryland disappeared into a sink
  hole...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 30 Jan 1999 11:56:51 -0500
From:    "Aditya, the ]-[indu $keptic"
         <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Equipment
 
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband
liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One
morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and
decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. 
 
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the
boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his
boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.  What are
you doing?"
 
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this
 guy blind, or what?'
 
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
 
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing.  Can't you see that?"
 
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am.  I'll have to take you in
 and write you up."
 
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate
 woman.
 
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
 
"Yes, that's true... but you have all the equipment.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 30 Jan 1999 12:15:37 -0500
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Detroit Lions
 
Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team for '99.
The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback.  He had
scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he
couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl
win.
 
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in
Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian
soldier with a truly incredible arm.  He threw a hand grenade
straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom!  He
threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards
away -- ka-blooey!  Then a car passed, going 90 mph, bulls-eye!
Right into it.
 
"I've got to get this guy!"  Ross said to himself.  "He has the
 perfect arm!"

So, he brought him to the USA and taught him the great game of
football, and the Lions went on to win the Super Bowl for the first
time in history. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of
football, and when Ross asked him what he wanted, all the young man
wanted to do is to call his mother.
 
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."
 
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says.  "You deserted
 us. You're not my son."
 
"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads.  "I
 just won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm among
 thousands of adoring fans."
 
"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts.  "At this very moment,
 there are gunshots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of
 rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their
 lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad
 daylight."
 
The old lady pauses, in tears.  "...I'll never forgive you for
making us move to Detroit."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 30 Jan 1999 11:34:40 -0600
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Procrastinator's Creed
 
                        Procrastinator's Creed
                        ----------------------
 
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been
done already.
 
I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find
excuses.
 
I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
 
I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the
amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing
them.
 
I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
obligations.
 
I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of
the amount of time given.
 
I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
 
If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
 
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to
change my mind.
 
I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.
 
I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater
the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be
done prior to beginning the greater task.
 
I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.
 
I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about
forever.
 
          --originally from loads@coredcs.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 30 Jan 1999 18:13:18 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: [OTT] Advice
 
These tips have helped me through life.  I pass them on in the
hope that they may also be of benefit to you.
  
 
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
 
Your assistant is the wrong person to ask for an impartial opinion.
If he disagrees with a good idea, he gets canned.  If he agrees
with a bad one, you get canned.
 
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
 
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his
manners are.
 
"All good things come to he who waits" assumes a very long life.
 
When going to an interview, never ask if they press charges.
 
Whilst it is considered bad form to shoot someone for trampling
your dahlias, the ten inch carving knife he is waving at you
probably counts as justification.
 
"Tear along the dotted line" does not refer to the one in the
middle of the road.
 
When your mother-in-law is threatening you with a wooden spoon,
defend yourself against the unseen cast iron frying pan in her
other hand.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 30 Jan 1999 14:09:51 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Oh sola SLOWLY
 
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many
years. First guy asks the second guy "how have things been going?"
 
The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y tells the first guy
"I   w..a..s   a..l..m..o..s..t   m..a..r..r..i..e..d.
 
The first guy says in amazement "Hey; you don't stutter any more."
 
The answer comes "Y..e..s   I   w..e..n..t   t..o   a
d..o..c..t..o..r   a..n..d   h..e   t..o..l..d   m..e   t..h..a..t
i..f   I   s..p..e..a..k   s..l..o..w..l..y   I   w..i..l..l
n..o..t   s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
 
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he
"was almost married".
 
"W..e..l..l   m..y   f..i..a..n..c..e..e   a..n..d   I   w..e..r..e
s..i...t..t..i..n..g   o..n   h..e..r   p..o...r..c..h   a..n..d
t..h..e   d..o..g   w..a..s   s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g
h..i..s   b..a..c..k   a..n..d   I   t..o..l..d   h..e..r
t..h..a..t   w..h..e..n   w..e   a..r..e   m..a..r..r..i..e..d,
s..h..e  c..a..n  d..o  t..h..a..t    f..o..r   m..e   a..n..d
s..h..e   t..h..r..e..w   t..h..e   r..i..n..g   i..n   m..y
f..a..c..e.."
 
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that" asks the
first friend

" W..e..l..l   I   s..p..e..a..k   s..o  s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t   b..y   t..h..e   t..i..m..e   s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d   a..t   t..h..e   d..o..g   h..e  w..a..s
l..i..c..k..i..n..g   h..i..s   b..a..l..l..s"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 30 Jan 1999 12:20:02 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY RIDDLES AGAIN
 
106. Whenever one of Perry Mason's clients would jump bail and try
     to run from the law, the lieutenant (who always assisted D.A.
     Hamilton Burger on the case) would have to put out an APB on
     the suspect.  Down at police HQ this was known as...
 
107. How do you send a Western Union message from one milk-giving
     animal to another?
 
108. What plant describes conflict between Rwandans?
 
109. Why are ill children given Indian food?
 
110. What would the crime be called if Mark Anthony murdered his
     in-laws?
 
 
                    - - - - - - - - - -
                          Answers
 

106 Tragg Net (By Tiff Wimberly)
 
107. By Mammal-Gram (By Cynthia MacGregor)
 
108.African Violence (By Marilyn Escue)
 
109. They need Tandoor Oven Care.  (By Stan Kegel)
        (Alt: They are Sikh)
 
110. Cleopatricide (By Gary Hallock)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 30 Jan 1999 15:37:51 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Its a Wacky World! #55
 
                        Wheelchair Bandit
 
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) (C) -- Preying on pedestrians in Chinatown, he
brandishes a semi-automatic handgun, demands money, then zooms away
in his motorized wheelchair.
 
Police haven't caught up with him yet.
 
Authorities say the culprit first struck Jan. 20 about 10 p.m. when
he approached a man returning home. The victim handed over $17 and
the suspect wheeled away, police spokesman Sherman Ackerson said.
 
On Jan. 26 about 4 a.m., the same suspect confronted a man at a
busy intersection and again demanded money, police said. This time,
when the victim handed over a coin purse containing only about $10,
the robber grew frustrated and threw the money back at him.
 
He also is suspected in four additional robberies last year,
Ackerson said.
 
Investigators believe the robber is a former Vietnamese gang member
who was paralyzed in a gang shooting.
 
          --from the Associated Press
 
(How difficult can it be, to catch a bandit in a wheelchair?)
 
------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 30 Jan 1999 20:16:37 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Re: Things I've Learned Over The Years
 
     [non-humorous post removed for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Jan 1999 to 31 Jan 1999
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