HUMOR Digest - 29 Jan 1999 to 30 Jan 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 481 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Snakes
  2. Yeah, right !
  3. US fears the curse of the pickled dead <macabre>
  4. Things I've Learned Over The Years
  5. Career Choice
  6. What You Say, & How You Say It
  7. What do you call...?  (off. to P.C. Little People)
  8. The word from Australia
  9. Skunk <adult theme>
 10. Some Old Puns
 
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Date:    Fri, 29 Jan 1999 10:02:34 +0200
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: Snakes
 
Mama snake and little Johnny snake are crawling through the woods.
Suddenly, little Johnny starts yelling "Mommy, mommy!"
 
"What's up, lil' Johnny?" asks his mother.
 
"Mommy, are we poisonous snakes?"
 
"Yes indeed we are, darling. But why are you asking in such rush?"
 
"Because I just bit my tongue".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 29 Jan 1999 03:08:47 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Yeah, right !
 
               Real News for the Gullible
 
1/28/99:
Lance W. Billingsley, chairman of the University of Maryland's
Board of Regents and one of MD. Governor Glendening's closest
political friends has begun offering his services as a lobbyist
on behalf of clients with business before the General Assembly.
Billingsley who directs policy for 11 universities with a budget
of $2.2 billion was quoted as saying "There's nothing that says
I can't lobby. I don't think the Chairman of the Regents means
I would have more influence than anyone else."
 
1/27/99:
Allen Iverson signed a $70.9 million deal with the Philadelphia
76'ers NBA basketball team.  He said, "It's not all about money
all the time. I just want to make enough money to take care of
my family."
 
1/26/99:
The President of the International Olympic Committee lashed back
at critics seeking his removal for the recent scandals: "I am
pleased with myself, what I have done these 18 years. I am not
a rich man.  I have no yachts. I have no planes."
 
1/24/99:
Senator Tom Harkin, a Democrat from Iowa, in defending President
Clinton said: "The guy didn't steal anything.  Where are the dead
bodies. There is no victim here."
 
1/23/99:
Hughes Electronics "DirectTV" said it will acquire control of its
competitor "Primestar".  Both are the leading supplies of satellite
TV in the US.  Regulators see no problems with approval since cable
TV is the dominant medium.
 
1/23/99:
Paul Maritz, a senior Vice-President at MicroSoft denied all
charges that MicroSoft first attempted to propose that NetScape
divide the market, then later, threatened to crush them.  Martiz
testified at the antitrust trial that, "It never happened."
 
 
                -- from "The Sun" (Baltimore, Maryland)
                   www.sunspot.net
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 29 Jan 1999 13:27:04 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: US fears the curse of the pickled dead <macabre>
 
US fears the curse of the pickled dead
 
Californians, traditionally the first to sound the alarm about a
new environmental scare, are now getting worried about the
deadliest pollution threat yet - chemicals seeping from the grave.
 
Top state officials say they are "very concerned" that embalming
fluid - almost universally used to preserve Americans in pristine
condition for the hereafter - ends up in drinking water. The
problem is also being investigated in Britain, where a review of
the "pollution potential of cemeteries" is close to completion for
the official Environment Agency.
 
Embalming -- described and derided in Jessica Mitford's classic
work The American Way Of Death -- involves filling the arteries
and body cavities with some 3.5 gallons of formaldehyde. But the
chemical, which is suspected of causing cancer, is so toxic that
the US government regards it as hazardous waste.
 
If an American funeral director were to dump the chemical in a hole
in the ground, he could be prosecuted and fined. But seven million
gallons of the stuff are buried quite legally every year in dead
bodies.
 
Arsenic, used to embalm bodies in the last century, is turning up
in ground water in some parts of the US and many experts believe
that much of it comes from old cemeteries. Carl Hauge, chief
hydrologist for the California Department of Water Resources, says
he expects the formaldehyde is getting into drinking water too.
"Most technical people are very concerned about it," he said.
 
Nobody knows the size of the problem because municipal water
authorities in the US don't test for formaldehyde, no one is
monitoring water near cemeteries, and there is not even a standard
for the levels allowed in supplies. But Scott Hill, water director
for Riverton, Utah, says: "A degree of hazard is there." Rainwater
will carry contaminants with it. Last year he unsuccessfully
opposed plans to build a new cemetery near the wells that serve the
city.
 
Julie Weatherington-Rice, an environmental consultant specialising
in the issue, believes that the problem has not yet reached its
peak. "Formaldehyde is going to show up, but it is going to take a
while," she told Mother Jones magazine. "We are probably drinking
great-grandmother Maud right now, more than we are someone who died
last Saturday night."
 
		--from the INDEPENDENT (London)
		  January 24, 1999
  
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 29 Jan 1999 06:51:48 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Things I've Learned Over The Years
 
 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number
    of helicopters in it.
 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
    compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an
    excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no
    sense of humor.
 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government
    is entertainment.
 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
    suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
    baby emerging from her at that moment.
 6. A penny saved is worthless.
 7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will
    never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now,
    when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left
    alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the micro-
    organisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
 8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
 9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
    gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is
    that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-
    average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
    to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
    never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer
    that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV
    executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer;
    after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it
    spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN
    AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a
    show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out,
    "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APART-
    MENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT
    ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on.
    We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become
    very excited and announce that the universe is even bigger than
    they thought! There are even more subatomic particles than they
    thought!  Whatever they announced last year about global
    warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
    race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full
    potential, that word would be "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
    annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact
    opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
       If the advertisement says "This is not your father's
    Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this
    Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to
    old farts like your father.
       If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you
    that there are significant differences between these two
    products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are
    virtually identical.
       If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes
    enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to
    disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic
    ability.
       If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign
    stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date,
    Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with
    how good a beer tastes.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with
    all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to
    humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable
    TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
    nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
    seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
    individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take
    command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 29 Jan 1999 07:08:43 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Career Choice
 
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to
his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I
grow up.
 
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide
to be a minister?"
 
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday
anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than
to sit still and listen.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 29 Jan 1999 08:02:34 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: What You Say, & How You Say It
 
   In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine
snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a
newspaper.  She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged
Caumeneur."  The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular
wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local
vocabulary.
   "Could you please spell that?" she asked.
   "You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."
      ----------------------------------
 
   I think I'm in trouble with MrsPBen, again... We were home alone
the other night.... the kids were out, and it was nice and quiet.
We were resting on the couch, my head in MrsPBen's lap, when she
took off my glasses.
   "You know," she said sweetly, "without your glasses you look
like the same handsome young man I married."
   "You know," I said (with a grin), "without my glasses, you still
look pretty good too!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 29 Jan 1999 08:46:24 EST
From:    Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: What do you call...?  (off. to P.C. Little People)
 
Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the FBI?
 
A: A small medium at large.
 
          --from radio station 98Q in CT
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 29 Jan 1999 13:23:09 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The word from Australia
 
Presidents Who Have Lied - The Word from Australia
 
I am in almost terminal shock at the revelation by the Republican
Party that a politician lied to the public.  And it was such an
important lie. So much more important than Jack Kennedy's firm
statement that the U.S.A. was not involved in the Bay of Pigs
invasion,
 
So much more important than Dwight Eisenhower's denial that U-2 spy
planes were passing over Russia,
 
So much more important than Lyndon Johnson's statement that a U.S.
ship had been attacked by a North Vietnamese torpedo boat,
 
So much more important than Richard Nixon's denial of any
involvement with the Watergate burglary, and more important than
Ronald Reagan's lies about almost everything.
 
All of that is trivia.  The Republicans have nailed Clinton on
something that really matters: a sex act!  An act that threatens
the national security of the United States of America.
 
I always thought a gentleman was supposed to lie about such things.
Surely you wonder what impression all this is creating in other
countries.  The whole thing has been summed up by a letter-to-
the-editor in Australia.  In a letter to the Sidney Morning Herald,
a writer nailed it in one line:
 
"Thank God Australia got the convicts and they got the Puritans."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 29 Jan 1999 15:41:10 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Skunk <adult theme>
 
A woman had a pet skunk which was a devoted pet to her for years.
One day the skunk died. The woman didn't know what to do at first,
as she lived in an apartment and she had no place in the yard to
bury her pet. So she decided to give the pet a proper burial out in
the country. She didn't have a car, so she planned on taking a bus
to the edge of town, then walking from there to some good site.
 
She got on the bus and sat down behind the driver. About this time,
the skunk wasn't keeping too well, so the woman held the skunk at
arm's length. The driver noticed the smell right away, but he kept
on driving for several blocks. He next opened the window, but that
didn't help. Finally, he pulled the bus to the curb, and turned
around, and said: "Will the woman with rhe stinking pussy please
get off the bus?"
 
14 women got off.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 29 Jan 1999 17:31:15 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Some Old Puns
 
   I was at a birthday party where people were giving gifts to
the honoree. She got a few nice things, dishes, CDs, etc., some
of which were passed around for closer inspection.
   At one point, she received a nice writing set with paper,
envelopes, and stamps. Someone wanted to see the design, but I
shouted "NO!! Don't pass it around... or it'll no longer be
stationery!!"
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
   Did you catch the recent two hour debate on the Public
Broadcasting Network. The heated discussion included artists,
Peter Max and Norman Rockwell, NASCAR champion, A.J. Foyt,
legendary jockey, Johnny Longdon and sprinter, Carl Lewis.
Their topic was... Race and Color.
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
   An English professor was reading Canterbury Tales to his class
and noticed that one of his students had fallen asleep. The
professor was annoyed enough to send the book spinning through the
air and bounce it off the sleeper's skull.
   Startled awake, the student asked what had hit him.
   "That, "said the professor,  "was a... flying Chaucer."
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
   Seems a gal was just walking into a receptionist area... when
her two friends, Tina and Marge were sharing a very funny joke. In
fact it was so funny they were in tears.
   The gal walked in and upon seeing this said... "Don't cry for me
Marge & Tina."
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
   "Today," said the professor , "I will be lecturing about the
liver and spleen."
   Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward the other,
"Damn, it there's one thing I can't stand... it's an organ
recital!"
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
   Most elementary school children will be able to tell you that
the first American flag was made by Betsy Ross. What they are not
taught was that she was also a social scientist who developed the
techniques now used by Gallop and others.
   It started when she asked a group of colonists what they thought
of the flag she had made. This was the origin of... the flag poll.
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
   A famous champion racehorse was enjoying a workout at Churchill
Downs, when he stopped to speak to another horse that was tethered
to a post.
   The thoroughbred mused...  I can't remember your mane, but your
pace is familiar.        --by Bennett Cerf
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
   The Zen Master is visiting New York from Tibet. He goes up to a
hot dog cart and says," Make me one with everything."
   The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen
Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the
cash box and closes it.
   "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
   And the vendor responds...  "Change must come from within."
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
   The young gull was an only child. He was well behaved and a
delight to his mother.
   The mother said to her infant. "As you have been so good, would
you like a brother"
   The small bird replied, "Oh Yes... One good turn deserves
another."
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
   The American arms inspector goes to a Baghdad restaurant for a
quick bite and orders a meat pie. A few bites, he realizes there's
only a tiny slab of meat at the middle of the pie, the rest being
vegetables.
   "Waiter, how can you call this a meat pie?"
   "Aah, but you see sir, these days of sanctions... it is
difficult to make ends meat.
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
   A guy walks into a bar with a lizard sitting on his shoulder.
He says to the bartender, "A double whiskey for me and", pointing
to the lizard, "A half-pint of Guinness for Tiny here."
   "Why do you call him Tiny?"  asked the bartender.
   The man answered...  "Because he's my newt."
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Jan 1999 to 30 Jan 1999
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