HUMOR Digest - 28 Jan 1999 to 29 Jan 1999
There are 15 messages totalling 664 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Polish know-how <off. to Poles>
  2. Today's Relationships
  3. Top5 - 1/27/99 - Items at the Vatican Garage Sale
  4. Vocational Vacation Spots
  5. Answering Machine
  6. Girls You Might See In The Restroom <adult>
  7. Owed to a Spell in Checker
  8. Selecting a new world Leader.
  9. Miss Smith <adult>
 10. The Ark (Pun)
 11. I Love Bowling! <adult theme>
 12. Bear warning <clean>
 13. Disney Woes
 14. Two men, One woman : Equally offensive to all
 15. Goldstein and the Bartender
 
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Date:    Thu, 28 Jan 1999 10:49:49 +0200
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: Polish know-how <off. to Poles>
 
Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right
lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe. So they gather to plan the
whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution,
so they send out some help-me type faxes.
 
A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: "As
your neighbours, we are deeply touched you requested our help, etc.
etc, but we have no idea at all how to do it".
 
The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most organized country in
Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know
how to handle it".
 
The Polish fax read: "As you know, we are Poland, a country that
has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic
resuscitation. We have a great deal of experience in such
transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties
and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done
gradually. So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three
big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the
trucks to ride on the right lane."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 28 Jan 1999 05:06:24 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Today's Relationships
 
* Then there was the frigid lil' Yuppette, who was so used to
  saying "NO !" she damn near screwed up her wedding ceremony.
                        - - - - -
 
* A young fella complains to his girl, "I'm not opposed at all
  to your Mother moving in with us, but couldn't she have at
  least waited until we were married ?"
                        - - - - -
 
*   "What happened between you and Sam Jody ?  I thought you
  said he always walked around with plenty of big bills in his
  pocket.  Why did you break-up with him."
    "Well Delores, last nite I found out all of the big bills
  were either unpaid or overdue ones."
                        - - - - -
 
*   The two young teens were making out in the family room.
  The girl's Mother calls from the top of the stairs, "Honey
  is that boy there yet ?"
    She replies breathlessly, "No Ma.  Not yet.  But he's
  getting there."
                        - - - - -
 
*   A lil' Yuppette, used to the finer things, was escorted
  by a man very careful with his money.  She spent the entire
  evening being treated to the most inexpensive everythings.
    At the door she said, "I'd invite you in, but I'm sure
  you're anxious to get back home and resume counting your
  money."
                        - - - - -
 
* Older men often have to limit their choices as to whom they
  might consider establishing a serious relationship with. I
  would however like to offer a few pointers.  Make sure you
  look for a woman who's already had her gall bladder and
  appendix removed. You'll also save a lot of money if she's
  already had any necessary dental work. A plus in attitude
  are those who've already completed their "change of life".
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 28 Jan 1999 06:29:14 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 1/27/99 - Items at the Vatican Garage Sale
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                        January 27, 1999
 
          The Top 13 Items at the Vatican Garage Sale
 
13> Commemorative rack of crushed skulls from the Spanish
    Inquisition
12> Jesus's senior-year woodshop project
11> "Papal World Tour '97" satin roadie jacket
10> The Pope's M*A*S*H Father Mulcahey lunch box
 9> Inflatable altar boy
 8> "World's Funniest Confessions" audio tapes
 7> John Paul's Vatican League bowling shirt
 6> Complete set of Michelangelo's black velvet period
 5> "Fires of Hell" Fondue set
 4> Sinead O'Connor dart board, very used
 3> Popemobile prototype based on a '72 El Camino with
    sacred astroturf, fully stocked wetbar, hot tub and
    "Miracle Bass(tm)" sound system
 2> Dog-eared copy of "Latin for Dummies"
 
  and Top5's Number 1 Item at the Vatican Garage Sale...
 
 1> Unused New Testament book: The Gospel According to Rhonda
 
   [           This list copyright 1999 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 28 Jan 1999 06:14:32 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Vocational Vacation Spots
 
Artists: Painted Desert, Arizona
Athletes: Olympia Heights, Florida
Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana
College Professors: University City, Missouri
Ecologists: Green Bay Wisconsin
Firefighters: Smokey Mountains
Fortune tellers: Palm Springs, California
Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia
Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas
Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama
Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania
Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii
Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan
Lawyers: Accident, Maryland
Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska
Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California
Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York
Optometrists: Plainview, New York
Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Pianists: Florida Keys
Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah
Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas
Prostitutes: Pleasure Ridge, Kentucky
Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado
Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland
Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia
Sailors: Marina, California
Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa
Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey
TV Evangelists: Paradise, California
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 28 Jan 1999 07:57:54 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Answering Machine
 
     A transcript of the new answering service recently
     installed at the Mental health institute.
            ====================================
 
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are
obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
 
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
 
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
 
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
 
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mother ship.
 
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.
 
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press since no-one will answer.
 
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
 
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key
until a representative comes on the line.
 
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's
maiden name.
 
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully
press 000.
 
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the
beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the
beep.
 
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
 
If you have low self esteem. Please hang up.
All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.
 
If you're from Maryland, don't bother.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 28 Jan 1999 10:57:30 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Girls You Might See In The Restroom <adult>
 
SELFISH GIRL:
Enters alone and locks the door, saying to the girls following
that she will be out in a minute. Leisurely pees. Remarks,
adjusts clothes and poses before mirror, keeping others
squirming outside for an hour.
 
TIMID GIRL:
Turns on faucet full force. Backs up to toilet, raises dress and
squats quickly. Listens intently to learn if sound other than
faucet can be heard.
 
CONCEITED GIRL:
Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by
finger tips. Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely
creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties.
Farts silently and disdainfully.
 
HARDY GIRL:
Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other
occupant to toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and
causing breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in
squirts to keep time, farts loudly and with great glee.
 
DRUNKEN GIRL:
Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts manages to raise dress.
Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter. Pees for a while, sing-
ing happy songs, suddenly starts to sob broken heartedly as she
realizes that she forgot to pull down her pants. Continues peeing
and sobbing.
 
SLOPPY GIRL:
Slip drops into toilet while squatting, never uses toilet paper.
Drags her business across the seat, getting seat wet. Never flushes
toilet. Emerges with back of skirt caught in her pants.
 
WORRIED GIRL:
Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet
paper and examines it carefully and hopefully. Peers into toilet
before flushing, resolving never to go to bed tight again.
 
THE "I DON'T CARE" GIRL:
Just squats and fires away.
 
STUBBORN GIRL:
Believes all public places are contaminated. Stands three feet
in front of toilet, backs up, takes careful aim and fires away,
always misses, but will try again.
 
                  -- by Swiggy
                     Copyright 1998 by FoxTree Consulting
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 28 Jan 1999 18:25:10 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Owed to a Spell in Checker
 
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye can knot sea.
 
Eye ran this poem threw it.
You sure reel glad two no
Its vary polished in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
 
A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
 
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
 
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite.
Of none eye am a wear.
 
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to be a joule.
The checker poured oar every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
 
That's why aye brake in two averse
By righting wants two pleas.
Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas!.
 
          --Arthur knot noun
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 28 Jan 1999 13:33:31 -0500
From:    Jimmy Farrar <jfarrar@UZUNCASE.COM>
Subject: Selecting a new world Leader.
 
It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts.
Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.
 
Candidate A:
associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists.
He's had two mistresses.  He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martinis a day.
 
Candidate B:
was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium
in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.
 
Candidate C: is a decorated war hero.  He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke, drinks an occasional beer & hasn't had any illicit affairs.
 
Which of these candidates is your choice??   Choose one.
 
 
                    - - - - - - - - -
                        Identities
 
 
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
 
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
 
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
 
(Makes you think, doesn't it???)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 28 Jan 1999 15:06:06 -0800
From:    "Fong, Dara" <dara_fong@USCS.COM>
Subject: Miss Smith <adult>
 
Miss Smith was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.  The pastor came to call on her one afternoon
early in spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She
invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.  As he
sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut
glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water.  In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
 
Imagine his shock and surprise.  Imagine his curiosity!  Surely
Miss Smith had flipped... or something!  But he certainly couldn't
mention the strange sight in her parlor.  When she returned with
tea and cookies, they began to chat.  The pastor tried to stifle
his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but
soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
 
"Miss Smith" he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this"
(pointing to the bowl)
 
"Oh yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful?  I was walking downtown
last fall, and I found this little package.  It said to put it on
the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.  And you
know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 28 Jan 1999 18:01:20 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Ark (Pun)
 
Ham and Shem were through with their labors and rested, watching
their father. He raised his eyes to the heavens and said, "Okay,
Lord, we got the ark all built. Now what?"
 
A booming voice replied, "Noah, you must go forth and gather two
of each kind of animal, one male and one female, that they may
replenish the earth when my waters recede."
 
"Ummm... listen, that's well and good for replenishing and all
that, but what are we gonna eat on board this ark, if you don't
mind my asking? I mean, I got a family to feed!"
 
"You have a point there. You may take _six_ of each kind of beast
that is pleasing to the taste. Keep two, eat four. How's that?"
 
"Fine, O Lord, verily this is fine! Yum yum. Four sheep..."
 
Ham turned to Shem and said, "We're going to eat _mutton_? Yuk!"
 
Shem grinned and said, "Well, Ham isn't Kosher!"
 
Ham did a double-take, then hastily agreed that this was the case.
"But are we _really_ going to have to eat tough old mutton?
 
Shem nodded, pointed to his dad, and replied, "There's Noah,
counting four tastes."
 
          --By Mephistoff Ellis
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 28 Jan 1999 22:39:19 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: I Love Bowling! <adult theme>
 
Dear Mom,
I am so excited. I met this terrific guy at church last Sunday and
he's taught me everything there is to know about bowling... and is
it a fun game! First he took me to his apartment to see his ten
pin. This puzzled me at first as I thought bowling had something to
do with ten pins not one ten-pin. He said it was best to begin with
one; but I could try 10 later when I was experienced.
 
He asked if I would like to polish his ten-pin and balls. I said
sure so he took them out for me to see. Mom, he has the nicest
little bowling bag with 2 balls in it... but he didn't want me to
take them out of the bag. I looked around for a cloth to polish
with but couldn't find any. He said I could just use my tongue and
I did. As soon as I started that his ten-pin got super hard and
big... I wondered if it would be fun to suck on and it was! he
started moaning, though, so I had to stop. He told me to go ahead
please as that was the best way to get the polish out. So I licked
and I sucked and he moaned and I sucked.
 
Suddenly my mouth was filled with his polish. I was so excited I
swallowed the polish, but he didn't mind, he said we could make
more after a few minutes. Then he said that I had a few bowling
features, too -- how come you and daddy never told me about them?
 
He showed me my reset buttons on my chest and my very own bowling
alley... and I didn't even know what they were for! He started
playing with my reset buttons, first with his hands, then his
tongue, then his hands, his tongue... I tried to lay still for him
but my body started writhing around and I started moaning too...
ooh it felt good!
 
Then he checked out my alley and said he would eat a little before
he threw a strike. When he started eating I nearly died! My eyes
were crossing and my toes curled up so tight they hurt... but felt
good too! My whole body was electrified with excitement, every
muscle trembled at once! He had finished his snack, but I was now
hungry so I started to go after his special polish. I licked one
ball and then the other. I took his ten-pin deep into my mouth and
started to suck. But he said to stop.
 
He wanted to polish my alley with his ten-pin. I thought my alley
had been polished pretty well already but I wasn't going to tell
him, cuz I was ready for more. He thrust his hot hard pin deep into
my alley and literally took my breath away for a momment. Then he
started thrusting again and again. I LOVED it ! My whole body
started to go crazy again! I was squirming and writhing underneath
him while he worked and I felt like I was spinning higher and
higher. I knew I was moaning and yelling, but I couldn't stop. It
was so intense! He took me up, up, up to somewhere I've never been
before... and I aim to go back again!
 
He said he'd take me there as often as I wanted; but he needed a
little rest first. Well mom, I really enjoyed bowling with him. But
I just don't understand. Why do some people think bowling is dull?
 
With love,
Virginia.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 28 Jan 1999 20:28:45 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Bear warning <clean>
 
Date: Monday, January 25, 1999 7:08 PM
 
The Washington State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising
hikers, hunters and fishers to take extra precautions and keep
alert of bears while in the field.
 
We advise that people wear noisy little bells on their clothing so
as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise
outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter
with a bear.
 
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear
activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear
and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and
contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings
have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 28 Jan 1999 22:28:22 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Disney Woes
 
62 people were stricken with salmonella poisoning after drinking
unpasteurized orange juice at Disney World.
 
Disney officials admit the mistake, but downplay the sickness,
pointing out that "it's a small hurl after all."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 28 Jan 1999 23:27:26 -0500
From:    Aditya, the ]-[indu $keptic
         <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Two men, One woman : Equally offensive to all
 
There are beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere
where the following people are stranded:
     2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
     2 French men and 1 French woman
     2 German men and 1 German woman
     2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
     2 English men and 1 English woman
     2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
     2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
     2 American men and 1 American woman
     2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
 
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands,
in the middle of nowhere, the following things occurred:
 
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
 
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a menage a trois.
 
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman.
 
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
 
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
 
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one
look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
 
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide,
while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her
own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that
they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division
of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion
and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother
is improving.  But at least the taxes are low & it is not raining.
 
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for
instructions.
 
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by
setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of
coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied that at least the English
are not getting any.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 28 Jan 1999 22:25:49 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Goldstein and the Bartender
 
Sam Goldstein walks into a bar, sits down, and says "a shot of
vodka, and keep em coming"
 
"Wow," the bartender says. "rough day?"
 
"Yeah, I just found out my son is gay." So, he gets drunk and
leaves.
 
A few days later he comes back and repeats the order.
 
"Another bad day?" says the bartender.
 
"Yeah, l just found out my brother's gay." Once again, he gets
drunk and leaves.
 
The next day he comes in already drunk, and repeats his usual
order. The bartender explodes, yelling "DOESN'T ANYBODY IN YOUR
FAMILY LIKE WOMEN!!?"
 
"Yeah" the guy says. "my wife"
 
 
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Jan 1999 to 29 Jan 1999
************************************************
 
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