HUMOR Digest - 27 Jan 1999 to 28 Jan 1999
There are 13 messages totalling 567 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Les Drinks <one strong word>
  2. Clinton Jokes (adult)
  3. Chained
  4. The Marriage-go-Round
  5. Man I'm Glad I'm A Man <adult themes, language>
     <offensive to women>
  6. Then And Now
  7. Putting it in Perspective
  8. Whither Pluto?
  9. Vending Machines
 10. The PassWord
 11. Girl's Night Out
 12. Hotel Registration (Pun: Sexual and Political)
 13. History class <sexual conotation, off. to
     Bill Clinton & Monica>
 
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Date:    Wed, 27 Jan 1999 13:04:42 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Les Drinks <one strong word>
 
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo are having drinks
in Paris.

The waiter asks " L'aperitif?"

All of them answer "Oui!"

The waiter looks at Zedillo "Le tequila?"

Zedillo: "Oui!"

The waiter looks at Yeltsin "Le vodka?"

Yeltsin: "Oui!"

Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton "Le whisky?"

Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH!!!"
 
          --from a friend in the US
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 27 Jan 1999 07:12:34 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Clinton Jokes (adult)
 
Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the Titanic.
When it starts to sink, Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and
children!"

Nixon: "Fuck the women and children."

Clinton: "Do we have time?"
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: What did Arafat say to Clinton?
A: "Sheep don't talk, my friend."
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: What did Clinton say when he heard Paula Jones was speaking to
   the press?
A: "NOW she opens her mouth"
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas virgin?
A: Any woman who can run faster than the governor.
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: What does Bill Clinton say to Hilary after sex ?
A: "Hi Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter?
A: One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The National Opinion Bureau of the United States (NOBUS) has today
published an opinion poll conducted amongst female staff in the
White House on Friday. They were asked 'Would you ever sleep with
the President?' Of the 97 replies, 2 reponded "yes", 4 "never" and
the other 91 "never again."
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
  
Q: Do you know why Clinton doesn't play his saxophone anymore?
A: Cause he is playing with his horeMonika.
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
   Clinton is sitting in the Oval Office when one of his aides
comes rishing in... "Mr President, Sir, what are we going to do
about this abortion bill?" 
   "Just pay it" says the President.
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A question for Bill Clinton: "What was Miss Lewinsky's most
memorable feature?"
 
"She has the whitest teeth I've ever come across"
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
 Hillary Clinton's new name: Cleopatra - queen of denial
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q: Why does Bill drink so much coffee and Coca-Cola?
A: He is required to "stay up" for many hours to satisfy the
   needs of his staff.
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q: Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate?
A: Her dad is getting laid more often that she is. And she's
   in college! In California!
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q: What is Clintons new secret service name?
A: Unibanger
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
If Clinton gets impeached, it will actually be the first time a
president was BLOWN out of the White House
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff "
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q: What was Clinton's last gift to Monica?
A: Spot remover.
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q: What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
A: An intern with braces.
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q: Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
A: The Spread Eagle
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q: What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?
A: Lays
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?
A: "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q: The most recent reports of the stain on Monica's dress have been
   released.
A: This whole thing seems to be a vast right-hand conspiracy.
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office"
A: Don't hit your head on the desk.
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Hillary is planning to install the latest security device on Bill's
zipper. It's called Blo-jack.
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary
request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please
return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?"
Clinton responded: "No", he responded, "She was on her knees."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 27 Jan 1999 07:11:55 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Chained
 
I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I
could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came
along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met
President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could
ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years
old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body,
muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why
he was chained to this awful creature.
 
Willie replied: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a
number of sins, and now I'm chained to this really ugly old thing
as penance."
 
We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while
later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock,
and he was tied to another of the most ugliest creatures you could
imagine, even worse than the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he
was chained to such an ugly thing.
 
The King replies: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed
a number of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old monster
for a while as penance."
 
We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on.
 
After a while we met up with Billy Gates, president of Microsoft.
Billy Gates just so happened to be chained to one of the most
gorgeous, luscious, and sexiest woman you could ever imagine,
long blonde hair, blue eyes, long limbs, and a beautiful figure.
So, we asked him why they were chained to each other like that.
 
The woman answered first: "When I used to live on Earth, I
committed a number of sins..."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 27 Jan 1999 07:28:46 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Marriage-go-Round
 
* A woman sees a beautiful tennis bracelet in a jewelry store
  window.  She goes in and asks the clerk if a small deposit
  will hold it until her husband does something unforgivable.
                        - - - - -
 
*   Shopping, the wife was looking at some perfume that cost
  two hundred dollars an ounce.
    Her husband, known for his drinking habits, said, "Do you
  realize that's over sixty-seven hundred dollars a liter ?"
                        - - - - -
 
*   Already the Mother of two rambunctious boys, the husband
  was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to
  have twins this time.  He told his wife that she should
  start thinking of names.
    "Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and
  Rudolph.  How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"
                        - - - - -
 
*   A man was standing first in line for tickets from those
  who had canceled their reservations to a sold-out play.
    The manager said he had two together, and pointed to the
  two women behind the man. "You wouldn't want to come between
  Mother and daughter, would you ?"
    The man turned around, and replied, "No.  I did that once,
  and regretted it right up until the divorce."
                        - - - - -
 
*   The young wife from Thunder Bay had been taking voice and
  singing lessons for three years.  One evening she announced
  to her husband that she wanted to do some public singing now
  that she was trained, like the Music Festival in Guelph.
    "Odd." he replied. "I would think with a voice like yours,
  you'd be better suited for moose calling at the National
  Exhibition in Ottawa."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 27 Jan 1999 08:07:37 EST
From:    Kalen Pascal <TheMan5000@AOL.COM>
Subject: Man I'm Glad I'm A Man <adult themes, language>
         <offensive to women>
 
Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports
 
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
 
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go to the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rearview mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass
 
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
 
Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house
 
I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday
 
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
 
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 27 Jan 1999 10:17:15 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Then And Now
 
The difference between bathing suits then and now:
    Bathing suits from the past required that you open
      the suit to see the butt.
    Bathing suits of today require that you open the butt
      to see the suit.
          ----------------------------
 
According to a recent government publication ...
   A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
   A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
   A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
   A billion dollars ago was yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 27 Jan 1999 08:05:46 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Putting it in Perspective
 
It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts.
Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.
 
Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with
astrologists.  He's had two mistresses.  He chain smokes
and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
 
Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until
noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy
every evening.
 
Candidate C: is a decorated war hero.  He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any
illicit affairs.
 
Which of these candidates is your choice??
 
 
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
                  Identities 
 
 Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
 
 Candidate B is Winston Churchill
 
 Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 27 Jan 1999 12:44:02 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Whither Pluto?
 
I just learned about it yesterday.  It seems to be a satirists
dream come true.  The International Astronomical Union is
polling its members as to whether Pluto should be identified
as a "Transneptunian Object" --and given a TO number-- or left
as a planet.  Whoa!  Hot stuff and nothing to do with Bill and
Monica.
 
First, what can ya expect but silliness from "union" members?
We know what union members are:  they're individuals who want
to get paid as much as possible for doing as little as possible
thereby messing up the holy marketplace and cheating employ-
ers out of their God-given right to shaft workers.  So, instead
of doing their astronomical work, they're all having a big e-mail
coffeebreak to chat about Pluto being a transexual or something.
OK, so this is a bit over the top, but at least there's still no
Monica and Bill.
 
Then I asked myself: who stands to gain from the demotion of
Pluto to a Transneptunian Object?  Well, who owns Pluto?  Now,
it was "discovered" by Clyde Tombaugh in 1930 (yes, I do do
research), but Walt Disney clearly OWNS Pluto.  Say you're in the
Disney planning department dealing with futher Disneyland/worlds
beyond Earth.  Wouldn't it make sense to put the first one on
property you already own?  Furthermore, wouldn't it make sense
to get that property devalued so you'd have less to pay in solar
taxes and so that the regular inter-PLANETARY rocket lines would
be less apt to go there so you could service Pluto with your own
rockets and charge travelers exorbitant prices?  Well, of course
it would! Now we're on to something, thematically.  And, still no
Bill and Monica!
 
After mulling over this Pluto problem all day, my nurse took me
home for my evening's warm milk and crackers.  I saw that TIME
magazine (Feb. 1, 1999) had arrived.  Lo and behold, on page 21
I found that TIME, too, was dealing with the Pluto problem.  Ah,
but TIME showed, once again, why TIME is TIME!  Instead of asking
any ASTRONOMERs what they thought of the debate over Pluto, TIME
polled ASTROLOGERS.
 
Athena Starwoman, who writes for VOGUE, said, "Anyone who under-
stands astrology holds high regard for Pluto. It rules sex, power,
hidden forces and the subconscious: the astrological force that
brought about Bill and Monica's fateful alliance."
 
AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 27 Jan 1999 17:31:36 -0500
From:    Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: Vending Machines
 
How are Monica and a Vending Machine alike???
 
>"Insert Bill Here"
 
          --thanks to Frank Begert
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 27 Jan 1999 16:52:23 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The PassWord
 
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his
ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and
ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know
Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
 
"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
 
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk,
asterisk!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 27 Jan 1999 19:17:12 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Girl's Night Out
 
So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club"
[a la Chippendale, apparently].  One of the girls wanted to impress
us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.  The "dancer" came over to us, and
my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt.
 
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill.  She calls
the guy back over, licks the $50 bill, and puts it on his other
butt cheek.
 
Now the attention is focused on me.  What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet, thought for a minute, then the banker in me
took over.  I got my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed
the 60 bucks, and went home.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 27 Jan 1999 18:21:00 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Hotel Registration (Pun: Sexual and Political)
 
When Monica takes Tripps to Washington, she stays in a posh hotel.
While checking her in, the clerk asked, "President's suite?"
"No, Actually sort of bitter," she admitted.
"Bitter? Hell, I never even kissed her." Clinton responded."
 
          --by Gary Hallock
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 27 Jan 1999 22:32:59 -0700
From:    Paul Ruckdashel <bpruck@JUNO.COM>
Subject: History class <sexual conotation, off.
         to Bill Clinton & Monica>
 
I recently noticed while studying history that Abe Lincoln's
Gettysburg address opened with four score(s) and seven years.
 
Interrestingly enough that describes Bill Clintons presidency
perfectly.
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Speaking of history (I was) Bill Clintons term in office may be
described as history in a few months the way things are going.
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
My history teacher taught me that bill clinton at one time did
marjauna (he just didn't Inhale).
 
I responded that that was Monicas excuse about doing Bill.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Jan 1999 to 28 Jan 1999
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