HUMOR Digest - 26 Jan 1999 to 27 Jan 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 485 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Skeleton Find
  2. Doggy Style (Adult)
  3. The Rabbi & the Tax Official
  4. Reluctant Hosts
  5. Museum hacks <clean-ish> 3 of 3
  6. Green, Pink, Yellow (off. to Mexicans)
  7. If You Love Somebody  (Part 2 of 2)
  8. Astrology for Southerners <off. to moon pies>
  9. Computer Gender
 10. Snakes (Pun)
 
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Date:    Tue, 26 Jan 1999 01:49:22 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Skeleton Find
 
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make
room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings
it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
 
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a
skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided
that they should call the police.
 
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed
them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said
"This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
 
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any
more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police
and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet
and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
 
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of
important."
 
Well, who was it?
 
"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 26 Jan 1999 00:47:22 PST
From:    Ajit Limaye <ajitl@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Doggy Style (Adult)
 
Little Johny and Jack were playing in the park when they noticed
this dog behind the bushes licking his genitals and deriving great
pleasure out of it. "What the hell is he doing?" asks Jack
 
"Well Jack, sometimes the dogs get this uncontrollable urge but
there just aren't any bitches around for them to indulge. In that
case they lick themselves to happiness" explained little Johny.
 
"I wish I could do that!" says Jack
 
"Go on then, it sure looks like a friendly dog."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 26 Jan 1999 01:49:26 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: The Rabbi & the Tax Official
 
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection.
The rabbi is accompanying him.  "So rabbi, tell me, please, after
you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with
the crumbs?"
 
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then
 they make bread of them again and send it to us."
 
"Ah.  So what about candles after they are burnt?  What do you do
 with the ends?"
 
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from
 them and send them to us."
 
"And what about circumcision?  What do you do with those leftover
 pieces?"
 
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
 
"To the city!?  And what do they send to you?"
 
"Today they have sent you to us."
 
          --from Peter Langston
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 26 Jan 1999 04:56:33 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Reluctant Hosts
 
* Remember as a host or hostess you are not obliged to make your
  guests feel at home.  If that's all they wanted, they would've
  stayed there in the first place.
                           - - - - -
 
*   If you're ever at a party and not sure who the host & hostess
  are, just use my method of identification.
    The host will always be the one watching the clock the most.
  And the hostess will be the one who watches how much and what
  you eat.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Although science probably sez otherwise, my daughter Sandy
  seems to have inherited my strong suit for subtlety.
    At a birthday party for Libby, her 3-year-old, the noise was
  approaching that of a chorus of jack-hammers. Sandy announced,
  "There's a special prize for the one who goes home first."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Babette, my neighbor and fellow anti-Yuppie conspirator and
  I were at a fund raising event in Columbia Maryland. A beaming
  Yuppette rushed over and gushed, "Oh my Babette, I was at your
  pool party last weekend."
    "Thank God I wasn't." replied Babette, taking another sip of
  her drink.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Most of us have been in the situation where we've invited
  guests to our homes to repay obligations.  One such boring
  couple attended our New Year's Eve party.
    As they were leaving, the woman said, "This was fun Jim,
  we've got to do this again."
    I replied (stone-faced), "I agree Jody, see you both next
  New Year's."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 26 Jan 1999 12:40:25 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Museum hacks <clean-ish> 3 of 3
 
Concerned that a serial prankster might be at work, the two
curators began approaching their peers around the world to see if
they too had experienced tampering with their in-house audiotaped
equipment. The responses confirmed their worst fears. In Brussels
several art phones had erroneously reported the man in Jacques-
Louis David's famous portrait of Marat assassinated in his bathtub
was not the lightning rod of the French Revolution, but David's
brother-in-law Marcel, who absolutely refused to bathe.
 
In Rome two art phones had reported that the incongruous jockey
shorts worn by Saint Sebastian in Antonello da Messina's portrait
of the Christian martyr were painted onto his otherwise nude body
by the Inquisition 250 years after the artist died, because of
complaints from demure Cistercian nuns. And in Paris art phone
users were being fed a monstrous canard that the bare-breasted
woman leading the rebels in Delacroix's Liberty on the Barricades
was Miss Teen Toulouse of 1829, later known to the world as Marie
Antoinette. In fact, Marie Antoinette was guillotined in 1793.
 
"Right now, we have no idea who is behind this prank or what their
motivation is," says Steinmentz. "Snobs and elitists trying to heap
contumely on the hoi polloi are the obvious suspects, but then
again it could be the work of puckish teenagers."
 
These pranks are expected to expand to more museums around the
world. Which reminds me that Da Vinci's Mona Lisa is in fact the
portrait of a man with silicone breast implants, one of Leonardo Da
Vinci's many inventions.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 26 Jan 1999 06:47:18 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Green, Pink, Yellow (off. to Mexicans)
 
   A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes
right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says "Sorry, you
know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
   The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay
in de USA Pleeeze!"
   The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it
hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three
english words in a sentence". Of course, the Mexican man agrees to
this. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green,
Pink and Yellow.......Now use them in 1 sentence."
   The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then
says, "Hmmm, Ok... The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink
it up and sez Yellow?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 26 Jan 1999 07:02:53 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: If You Love Somebody  (Part 2 of 2)
 
I always thought the original saying was, "If you love something,
set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, it wasn't yours to
begin with."
 
However, for the purposes of this test, let's use the proposed
version. In which category do *you* fall?
 
               "The Old Version"
 
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....
 
               "The New Versions"
 
     Biologist
If you love somebody, Set her free...
She'll evolve.
 
     Statistician
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high,
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
 
     Schwarzenegger's Fan
If you love somebody, Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!
 
     Overpossessive
If you love somebody don't set her free.
 
     HR Specialist
If you love somebody set her free
By Offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.
 
     MBA
If you love somebody set her free... instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously
 
     Psychologist
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
 
     Somnambulist
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.
 
     Rhett Butler
If you love somebody set yourself free
If she asks you why say you don't give a damn.
 
     ERP Functional Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis
 
     Finance Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
 
     Marketing Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 26 Jan 1999 08:54:57 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Astrology for Southerners <off. to moon pies>
 
     Okra    Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the
inside. Okra's have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look
back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere.
Stay away from Moon Pies.
 
     Chitlin    Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're
uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin,
however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has
plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be
very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like the ancient
volcano, Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess.
Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when
marriage time rolls around. No, not with a Moon Pie.
 
     Boll Weevil    Feb 20-Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the
surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the
interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and
driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind
is going to marry you, not even a Moon Pie, so don't worry about
it.
 
     Moon Pie    Mar 21-April 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.
It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies.
Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody
who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to
be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
 
     Possum    Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked
tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it-
attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think
you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy,
but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you
may find your problems actually running you over. No room in your
life for Moon Pies.
 
     Crawfish    May 22 - June 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always
hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the
mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living
room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but
you have very very good heads. Keep a distance from Moon Pies.
 
     Collards    June 22-July 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the
"melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of
those around them. Collards make good social workers, psycholo-
gists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes,
if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work.
Save yourself a lot of heartache.
 
     Catfish    July 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one,
Whiskers, may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never
easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the
clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away
from Moon Pies.
 
     Grits    Aug 24 - Sept 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to
huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to
travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club.
Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or
bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have
all these things, that serves you well.
 
     Boiled Peanuts    Sept 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortu-
nately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones -
may find that your personality is much too salty, and their
criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really
much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry
anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed
life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always
pull over and stop for you. Except Moon Pies, they'll run you over.
 
     Butter Bean    October 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well
with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've
grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the
setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too shouldn't
have anything to do with Moon Pies.
 
     Armadillo    Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are
actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire,
some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're
not concerned with today's fashions & trends. You're not concerned
with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your
interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another
Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating
possibility. Stay away from Moon Pies.
 
             --via Swiggy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 26 Jan 1999 17:33:30 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Computer Gender
 
A pastor of a church had previously been a sailor. He was very
aware that ships are addresses as "she" and "her". He often
wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer
that question, he set up two group of computer experts.
 
The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each
group was asked to recommend whether computer should be referred to
in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to
give 4 reasons for their recommendations.
 
The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in
the masculine gender because:
     1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
     2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
     3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
        time they are the problem.
     4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
        waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
 
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender because:
     1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
     2. The native language they use to communicate with other
        computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
     3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
        memory for later retrieval.
     4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
        spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
 
          --thanks to Charles Ehlers
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 26 Jan 1999 17:37:15 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Snakes (Pun)
 
I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when
it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and
my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the
strain.
 
Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my
front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to
overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating
rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and
installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.
 
What! You've never heard of... wind chilled vipers?
 
          --by Gary Hallock
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Jan 1999 to 27 Jan 1999
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