HUMOR Digest - 25 Jan 1999 to 26 Jan 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 402 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. How's that Again ?
  2. You Might Just Be White Trash If...
  3. If You Love Somebody  (Part 1 of 2)
  4. Time To See The Dentist <adult>
  5. Museum Hacks <Clean-ish> 2 of 3
  6. Polar bears
  7. May be offensive to Vikings fans
  8. Catholic Dictionary
  9. The New PlayBoy (off. to site impaired)
 10. Poor ole' Mildred
 11. The Glider (Pun)
 
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Date:    Mon, 25 Jan 1999 04:18:13 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: How's that Again ?
 
* A car dealership hired its first female mechanic. Above her
  repair bay she put a sign: "The wench with a wrench".
                        - - - - -
 
* A college professor at a university known for its football
  rather than scholastic record said: "The most underdeveloped
  territory in the world lies under any football helmet."
                        - - - - -
 
* Speaking of football (I was) one football coach's lament is
  that the toughest problems he's faced in his career almost
  always involve defensive linemen or offensive alumni.
                        - - - - -
 
* The budding Yuppette had been pleading with her parents for
  a new convertible to go off to college in.  Her parents said
  the car was too expensive for a girl her age. Gathering some
  facts, she then tried to convince them to buy the car since
  it was cheaper per pound than her usual dinner entree.
                        - - - - -
 
* Most people know a "Polyanna", stumbling blindly optimistic
  through life. I was once in a discussion with such a person
  and said that some of my fondest dreams had yet to come true.
  She smiled, and replied, "Take heart Jimmy dear, most of your
  worst nightmares haven't come true either."
                        - - - - -
 
*   Two lil' boys were in the midst of the time worn "My Daddy
  can beat up your Daddy" discussion when one suddenly said,
  "Well... maybe but wait 'til next year."
    "Why's that ?" asked the first. "Your Daddy's working out
  at the gym or something ?"
    "Nah !" the other boy replied, "But the way things are
  going at home, I'll have a new Daddy by next year."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 25 Jan 1999 07:04:17 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: You Might Just Be White Trash If...
 
You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
 
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
 
You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
 
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
 
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can
take a bath."
 
You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.
 
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
 
The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 25 Jan 1999 07:40:32 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: If You Love Somebody  (Part 1 of 2)
 
I always thought the original saying was, "If you love something,
set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, it wasn't yours to
begin with." 
 
However, for the purposes of this test, let's use the proposed
version. In which category do *you* fall?
 
               "The Old Version"
 
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....
 
               "The New Versions"
 
     Pessimist
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
 
     Optimist
If you love somebody, Set her free...
Don't worry, she will come back.
 
     Suspicious
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
 
     Impatient
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.
 
     Patient
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.
 
     Playful
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat
 
     Vengeful
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she doesn't come back, hunt her down and shoot her.
 
C++ Programmer
if(you-love(m_she)) m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;
 
     Animal-Rights Activist
If you love somebody, Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
 
     Lawyers
If you love somebody, Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the
Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
 
     Bill Gates
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation
fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 25 Jan 1999 09:20:19 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Time To See The Dentist <adult>
 
There was this young couple who have dated since high school, but
they have never had sex because the boy's mother always told him
that what a woman has between her legs has teeth. For obvious
reasons, the boy has always been afraid to venture down there.

They finally marry, and on their wedding night, the young groom
walks out of the bathroom to find his new bride dressed in a very
sexy negligee and lying invitingly on the bed. She says to him, 
"Oh honey, here's the moment we've been waiting for... It's time
to consummate our marriage."
 
He is apparently flustered, and says, "Oh, no... I'm not going down
there!"
 
The confused bride asks, "But honey, why not?"
 
He turned to her and said,  "Well, my mother always told me that
what a woman has between her legs has teeth."
 
The bride laughed and said, "That's nonsense; here, let me show
you." So, she whips off her negligee, spreads her legs open, and
pulls her nether lips apart, saying, "See honey?... No teeth!"
 
The groom quickly replies, "My God!  With gum disease like that,
it's no *wonder* you have no teeth!!!!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 25 Jan 1999 16:29:13 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Museum Hacks <Clean-ish> 2 of 3
 
The saga continued...
 
Steinmentz was astonished by what he heard. Though it was true that
Pollock was a rough-and-tumble individual given to the occasional
late-night punch-up, the running commentary contained in the art
phone presentation was complete nonsense. Suspecting a hoax,
Steinmentz reviewed all of the other art phones being rented at
the museum, but found no similar material. He decided that the
tape contained in the phone had surreptitiously been altered by
some misguided prankster, & sent it back to the shop for repairs.
 
But several weeks later, while chatting with a fellow curator from
Boston, he learned that a similar incident had happened at his
colleague's institution. Seemingly, several patrons had complained
that the art phones describing one of Winslow Homer's late
paintings also contained dubious material. When patrons of the
museum planted themselves in front of a painting depicting two men
seated in a wind-swept dinghy out on the high seas, they were
informed that in nineteenth century Massachusetts homosexuality
was so frowned upon that gay men frequently arranged nautical
trysts in small fishing boats off the coast of Nantucket.
 
<Tomorrow: the hackers strike in European Museums>
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 25 Jan 1999 16:41:43 +0200
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: Polar bears
 
Two polar bears were walking on the ice. Mama bear is slowly
looking for some food, while little Bubba bear is trying to keep
pace with her. Suddenly, little Bubba says: "Mommy, mommy, may I
ask you something?"
 
"Sure, baby. What is it?"
 
"Mommy, are we polar bears?"
 
"Sure we are polar bears, honey. But why do you ask?"
 
"Because I'm freezing!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 25 Jan 1999 11:14:30 -0600
From:    Fred <fredb@ACCESS.WEBCOMBO.NET>
Subject: May be offensive to Vikings fans
 
I heard that the owner of the Vikings is moving the team to the
Philippines and changing their name to the Manila Folders.
 
I also heard that the Vikings are trading Randy Moss to Washington
in exchange for Monica Lewinsky, at least she does not choke on the
big ones.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 25 Jan 1999 16:33:07 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Catholic Dictionary
 
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
 
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
          2. Catholic air conditioning.
          3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
 
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of
       the congregation to lip-sync.
 
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
 
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves
      higher than that of the congregation's range.
 
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more
                  quietly, since most of the people have already
                  left.
 
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
 
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found
         colleges with good basketball teams.
 
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
 
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
 
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can
               recognize besides gyros and baklava.
 
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
 
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't
           covered by an HMO.
        2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has
           always been rough.
 
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
 
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass,
            consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late
            parishioners looking for seats.
 
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass -
             led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the
             parking lot.
 
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they
        actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
 
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by
                   David Letterman.
 
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating
        capacity of a pew.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 25 Jan 1999 15:45:00 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The New PlayBoy (off.to site impaired)
 
The Library of Congress is now making Playboy magazine available in
Braille.  A Braille Playboy...
 
This is for all the teenage boys who went blind reading the
original.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 25 Jan 1999 16:51:48 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Poor ole' Mildred
 
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided
that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
 
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she
took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first
place.
 
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and
burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as
to just exactly where the heart would be.
 
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below
 your left breast."
 
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 25 Jan 1999 19:28:37 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Glider (Pun)
 
Several soaring enthusiasts were riding in a glider one day, lazily
criss-crossing the sky. The glider was state-of-the-art, including
a built-in computer with Internet access.
 
The pilot showed his riders the computer and said, "There is a new
Web site for professional glider pilots. All in favor of checking
it out say 'Aye."
 
The passengers agreed, making it... a site for soar ayes.
 
          --by Kirk Miller in The Punster
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Jan 1999 to 26 Jan 1999
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