HUMOR Digest - 24 Jan 1999 to 25 Jan 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 554 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Wild Party (adult)
  2. The Feminine Mystique
  3. All-Purpose Excuse Form
  4. Ed & Ted <adult theme>
  5. I'm Glad I'm A Woman
  6. Trial of the Censurey (pun)
  7. Museum Hacks <Clean-ish> 1 of 3
  8. Medical terms (punny)
  9. A Good Deed (Pun)
 10. Dog Daze
 11. The Truth About Comps. And Dogs <clean-ish>
 
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Date:    Sun, 24 Jan 1999 01:23:56 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Wild Party (adult)
 
A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't
remember anything he did last night.
 
He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He
notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to
be a bra.
 
He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??". He walks
towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his
gown. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have i done?
Must have been a wild party".
 
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror.
He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only
thought is "If there's a God, please let this be a teabag"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 24 Jan 1999 04:08:01 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Feminine Mystique
 
* Some women are more avid football fans than most men.
  A friend of mine in Minnesota recently gave birth to
  her first born.  I asked when the happy event took
  place.  She wrote back, "Right in the middle of the
  third quarter during the play-offs with Atlanta !"
                        - - - - -
 
*   The budding young Yuppette had been dating a successful
  stockbroker for several months.  Just before Christmas
  she asked her Mother, "Whatever can you give a man for
  Christmas who has everything ?"
    Her Mother smiled knowingly and replied, "Encouragement
  dear, encouragement."
                        - - - - -
 
*   The SouthWest Airline pilot was on maternity leave. Since
  she was two weeks past her due date, her supervisor called
  to see if everything was OK.
    "Everything's fine Jack." the woman replied. "But if this
  lil' bird ain't down soon, the doc's gonna have to bring it
  in on instruments."
                        - - - - -
 
*   At the doctor's office, the Nurse was taking my blood
  pressure.  She caused me some concern by rechecking it
  twice, then said, "Hmmmm. That's odd -- it's normal."
    I replied I had taken my high blood pressure medicine
  less than an hour ago.  She said, "Thank goodness.  I
  thought I was losing it. Normally when I take the men's
  BP readings they're always on the high side."
                        - - - - -
 
*   The Ontario coed was anxious to see her parents over the
  holidays.  Access to their remote cabin near Caribou Lake
  was limited, so she was trying to talk a local bush pilot
  into flying her home.
    "But there's no place to land." he protested.  She told
  him of a clearing she had used last year. The pilot agreed.
    Upon approaching the clearing, it looked too short, with
  a rise at the end. Going in on a wing and a prayer the lil'
  plane skidded along, hit the rise, then flipped over.
    Once safely out of the plane, the girl smiled and said,
  "Yep. They had to land the same way last year too."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 24 Jan 1999 07:57:07 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: All-Purpose Excuse Form
 
 All Purpose Excuse Form is designed to get you out of the trouble
 that you may have encountered. Whenever there's a multiple choice,
 pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll
 be surprised how effective this form can be!
 ==================================================================
 
 Dear
     a) Mom
     b) Dad
     c) love of my life
     d) Assistant Principal
     e) Local Police Chief,
 
 Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
     a) Car
     b) House
     c) Pet
     d) Espresso maker
     e) Left arm
 
 was severely damaged by my
     a) infantile
     b) puerile
     c) inept
     d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
     e) woefully under appreciated prank.
 
  How could I have known that the
     a) car
     b) jet ski
     c) large helium balloon
     d) rodent driven sledge
     e) Zamboni
 
 I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is
 true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
     a) house
     b) wife
     c) Cub Scout troop
     d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty,
        complete with lightbulb in the torch
     e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
 
 you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent
 carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
    a) imagine
    b) fathom
    c) comprehend
    d) appreciate
    e) pay for
 
 and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you
 are perfectly within your rights to
    a) hate me
    b) sue me
    c) spank me
    d) take my firstborn
    e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
       fish in your koi pond
 
 but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joking
 around at
    a) school
    b) work
    c) church
    d) the bowling alley
    e) the municipal jail
 
 and to remember that I am first and foremost your
    a) friend
    b) child
    c) sibling
    d) lease co-signer
    e) only possible match should you ever need a
       bone marrow transplant.
 
 I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
    a) was so stupid
    b) was so silly
    c) would have been funny if it worked
    d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
    e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
 
 Sincerely,
    Me
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 24 Jan 1999 07:52:51 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Ed & Ted <adult theme>
 
   Ed and Ted are standing side by side at urinals when Ed glances
down and sees that Ted's dick is twisted like a corkscrew.
   Ed says, "I've never seen one like that before."
   Ted says, "Like what?"
   Ed says, "All twisted, like a pig's tail."
   Ted says, "What's yours like?"
   Ed says, "Straight, like normal."
   Ted says, "I thought mine was normal 'til I saw yours."
   Ed finishes and starts shaking his prick.
   Ted says, "What'd you do that for?"
   Ed says, "I was shaking out the last few drops."
   Ted says, "Fuck ... to think that all these years I've been
wringing mine out."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 24 Jan 1999 08:56:36 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: I'm Glad I'm A Woman
 
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am,
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam;
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections,
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions;
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown,
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down;
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt,
My  belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut;
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
Or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch;
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind,
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing,
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting;
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back,
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack;
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb,
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome;
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side,
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee;
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball,
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal;
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band;
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep;
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see,
Forget all about that old penis envy;
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks,
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick;
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true,
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 24 Jan 1999 08:49:15 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Trial of the Censurey (pun)
 
I did this piece last week.  I think I will send it in to the
newspaper to see if they will print it.  I used only the names of
senators/jurors/triers of the trial of the CENSUREY.  -Tiff
 
Well, a LOTT (R-MS) is going on in DC these days.  The SPECTER
(R-PA) of Andrew Johnson is being raised and we HARKIN (D-IA) back
to the days of the first impeachment trial of a U.S. President.
With the Honorable Supreme Court Chief Justice Rehnquist at the
HELMS (R-NC) of the trial of the CENSUREY, Clinton is BIDEN (D-DE)
his time as the trial managers HATCH (R-UT) a plan for his removal
from office, which would be a KOHL (D-WI) day in Hell if Clinton
had his way.
 
The trial is in open SESSIONS (R-AL) because they wouldn't want
to ROBB (D-VA) the American people of this historical event.  The
trial managers have already started laying the groundwork by
LINCOLN (D-AR) Clinton's name to Monica Lewinsky's.  Right now,
they are HAGELing (R-NE) over details about calling witnesses. If
Monica is called, will she sing like a BYRD (D-WV)?  Maybe her
lawyers will WARNER (R-VA) away from testifying.  I think if she
does testify she'll DASCHLE (D-SD) hopes of the President walking
away from this scot-free.
 
Clinton is like a BOXER (D-CA) in the fight of his life. His
lawyers will probably do everything in their power to BAYH (D-IN)
him some time.  They will probably maintain that their client's
indiscretions is SNOWEbody's (R-ME) business.
 
I think this whole trial is CHAFEEing (R-RI) the American public
the wrong away.  Most people think it is a bunch of AKAKA (D-HI)
and it really BURNS (R-MT) them up to hear and REED (D-RI) about
it everyday, not to mention the amount of taxpayer's NICKLES (R-OK)
going to the cost of the trial.  Some Americans think that the
Senate is made up of a bunch of DODDering (D-CT) fools who are out
of touch with the American public, INOUYE (D-HI), they may be
right.
 
KENNEDY (D-MA) go by without the incessant coverage by the media on
this whole thing?  I think this will KERREY (D-NE) on for weeks and
by the time they are through we will all be commited to a SANTORUM
(R-PA).  Regardless of the outcome this whole mess may WYDEN (D-OR)
the gap between Democrats and Republicans.
 
Hopefully, as Americans, we can BOND (R-MO) together and come out
stronger because of this.  In the ENZI (R-WY), whatever SHELBY
(R-AL), shall be.
 
          --from Tiffany Wimberly
            via PUNY <puny@listserv.prodigy.com>
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 24 Jan 1999 18:12:58 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Museum Hacks <Clean-ish> 1 of 3
 
These are true reports of "art phones" being hacked.

Three weeks ago, Gavin Steinmentz, a curator at a prestigious
New York art museum, noticed a middle-aged woman giggling uncon-
trollably as she gazed at a painting by the revered Abstract
Expressionist Jackson Pollock. The tremors of amusement had
obviously been triggered by whatever the woman was listening to
on the hand-held "art phone" serving as her guide through the
museum.  His curiosity piqued, the curator borrowed one of the
devices from the rental booth and decided to find out what was
generating this anomalous outburst of mirth.
 
To his amazement and chagrin, the tour guide speaking on the
phone was making the following comments: "The painting you are
now looking at is Indian Red Ground No. 567. It is a typically
cunning mixture of oil paint and human blood. One night in 1948,
Pollock got into a fist fight with fellow Abstract Expressionist
Mark Rothko over a bar bill at New York's famous Cedar Tavern. An
adroit pugilist, Pollock took out the diminutive Rothko with just
one punch; then, while his colleague lay unconscious on the floor,
Pollock grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and dragged his
bleeding carcass across the canvas, deftly interspersing the
evocative strands of red and black oil paint with Rothko's blood.
 
The painting was so well received that Pollock subsequently devised
several other canvases using blood from the nose of Barnett Newman,
the eyebrows of Ad Reinhart, and a gash he opened on the side of
Willem de Kooning's forehead when he cold-cocked him at a Sunday
brunch."
 
<More tomorrow about art phones been hacked:
 The French revolution rewritten and were the Puritans gay?>
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 24 Jan 1999 11:09:32 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: medical terms (punny)
 
Benign.............What you be after you be eight
Artery.............The study of paintings
Bacteria...........Back door to cafeteria
Barium.............What doctors do when pt's die
Cesarean Section...A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan............Searching for kitty
Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her
Colic..............A sheep dog
Coma...............A punctuation mark
D&C................Where Washington is
Dilate.............To live long
Enema..............Not a friend
Fester.............Quicker then someone else
Fibula.............A small lie
Genital............Non-Jewish person
G.I. Series........World series of military baseball
Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on
Impotent...........Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain.........Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff......A Doctor's cane
Morbid.............A higher offer then I bid
Nitrates...........Cheaper then day rates
Node...............Was aware of
Outpatient.........A person who has fainted
Pap Smear..........A fatherhood test
Pelvis.............Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative.....A letter carrier
Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery
Rectum.............Damn near killed him
Secretion..........Hiding something
Seizure............Roman emperor
Tablet.............A small table
Terminal Illness...Getting sick at the airport
Tumor..............More then one
Urine..............Opposite of you're out
Varicose...........Near by/ Close by
Vein...............Conceited
 
          --thanks to Katherine Voyer
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 24 Jan 1999 11:53:16 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: A Good Deed (Pun)
 
On my way to visit a sick person in the parish, a little red car
sped around my pickup. The driver pointed to my back left wheel.
Just at that moment, I realized the tire was going flat.
 
I pulled into a driveway and got out of the truck to look at the
tire. All of a sudden, the red car zipped into the driveway. A
young man got out. "Sister," he said, "get back in the truck. I'll
fix the tire."
 
As he changed the tire, I talked with him. "You remember me," he
said. "Mike Sinn. You visited me in the hospital."
 
It occurred to me that this was probably the first time that Grace
was saved by Sinn.
 
          --by Sister Carol Ann Grace
            Catholic Digest
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 24 Jan 1999 17:32:37 -0800
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Dog Daze
 
A Seattle couple were walking their dogs off leash at Salmon Bay
Park in Ballard.
 
Along came a police cruiser with this announcement over the P.A.
system:  "You must have your vehicle leashed while in the city of
Seattle."
 
The couple started to laugh.  Again the P.A. system crackled:
"Please put your vehicles on a leash.  Your vehicles -- er, I mean
 your dogs -- must be on a leash..."
 
The patrolman drove off without issuing a citation.
 
          --Jean Godden, January 20, 1999
 
 
Copyright 1999
Seattle Times Company
<http://www.seattletimes.com/>
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 25 Jan 1999 09:45:57 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Truth About Comps. And Dogs <clean-ish>
 
          Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?
 
Favorite Food
     Dogs: kibbles
     Computers: bits
 
Method used to end undesirable behavior
     Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
     Computers: hit control-alt-delete
 
After destruction of personal property
     D: dog not found
     C: file not found
 
Favorite trick
     D: roll over
     C: play dead
 
Comic-page hero
     D: Dogbert
     C: Dilbert
 
Fun way to mess with their heads
     D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
     C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
 
Consequence of virus
     D: replace valuable carpeting
     C: replace valuable data
 
Widely ignored government mandate
     D: leash law
     C: Communications Decency Act
 
Waste disposal tool
     D: pooper-scooper
     C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)
 
Sensitive internal procedures
     D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
     C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed "one
        kind-of like this" once
 
Method of marking territory
     D: lifting leg
     C: "Designed for Windows 95"
 
Unique behavior
     D: lick and drag
     C: click-and-drag
 
Inexplicable physical feature
     D: dewclaw
     C: scroll lock key
 
Estimated lifespan
     D: 12 years
     C: 12 months
 
At end of useful life
     D: euthanasia
     C: tax deduction
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Jan 1999 to 25 Jan 1999
************************************************
 
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