HUMOR Digest - 23 Jan 1999 to 24 Jan 1999
There are 7 messages totalling 346 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Wintertime Blues
  2. I'm Glad I'm A Man
  3. Down at the local <adult>
  4. Trial of the CENSUREY
  5. Surgery sayings
  6. Brite Side of Y2K
  7. Good point
 
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Date:    Sat, 23 Jan 1999 03:12:48 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Wintertime Blues
 
* Believe it or not, people who drive in Baltimore City actually
  like the snow -- it fills in all of the potholes.
                           - - - - -
 
* Winters in North Dakota are tuff.  I asked a friend of mine why
  in the world she chose to live there.  She replied, "Why Jimmy,
  it's an honor to be one of God's frozen people."
                           - - - - -
 
* Those of us in the areas which receive snow and ice are always
  glad to see the last week of February, since we know winter's
  back is broken then.  Unfortunately, that's a couple of weeks
  or more after everyone else's was.
                           - - - - -
 
* Winter is also the time for all of the colds, flu and viruses
  to run rampart, especially among the kids.  I've always thought
  part of the problem was the schools -- you know, also known as
  "The Children's Garden of Viruses".
                           - - - - -
 
*   When my son, JimJr Jr was in the Air Force, in Texas, they
  were hit by a rare ice storm.  As all the duty personnel were
  trying to clear their windshields with anything available, a
  native yelled over to my son, "I bet y'all always have an ice
  scraper handy in Maryland."
    "Nah." JimJr Jr replied. "We just use pick-axes."
                           - - - - -
 
*   During a recent ice storm here in Maryland, some people lost
  their electric power for four days.  On the second day, some of
  the shelters begin to fill-up.  A red-Cross worker asked, "Are
  there any pregnant women in here ?"
    A gruff voice from the back said, "Hell, we ain't even warm
  or dry as yet."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 23 Jan 1999 07:45:59 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: I'm Glad I'm A Man
 
I'm Glad I'm A Man, You Better Believe,
I Don't Live Off Of Yogurt, Diet Coke, Or Cottage Cheese;
I Don't Bitch To My Girlfriends About The Size Of My Breasts,
I Can Get Where I Want To - North, South, East Or West;
I Don't Get Wasted After Only 2 Beers,
And When I Do Drink I Don't End Up In Tears;
I Won't Spend Hours Deciding What To Wear,
I Spend 5 Minutes Max Fixing My Hair;
And I Don't Go Around Checking My Reflection,
In Everything Shiny  Window From Every Direction;
I Don't Whine In Public And Make Us Leave Early,
And When You Ask Why Get All Bitter And Surly;
I'm Glad I'm A Man, I'm So Glad I Could Sing,
I Don't Have To Sit Around Waiting For That Ring!
I Don't Gossip About Friends Or Stab Them In The Back,
I Don't Carry Our Differences Into The Sack;
I'll Never Go Psycho And Threaten To Kill You,
Or Think Every Guy Out There's Trying To Steal You;
I'm Rational, Reasonable, And Logical Too,
I Know What The Time Is And I Know What To Do;
And I Honestly Think Its A Privilege For Me,
To Have These Two Balls And Stand When I Pee;
I Live To Watch Sports And Play All Sorts Of Ball,
It's More Fun Than Dealing With Women After All;
I Won't Cry If You Say It's Not Going To Work,
I Won't Remain Bitter And Call You A Jerk!
Feel Free To Use Me For Immediate Pleasure,
I Won't Assume It's Permanent By Any Measure;
Yes, I'm So Very Glad I'm A Man, You See,
I'm Glad I'm Not Capable Of Child Delivery;
I Don't Get All Bitchy Every 28 Days,
I'm Glad That My Gender Gets Me A Much Bigger Raise;
I'm A Man By Chance And I'm Thankful It's True,
I'm So Glad I'm A Man And Not A Woman Like You!
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 23 Jan 1999 16:52:23 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Down at the local <adult>
 
I was in my local pub a few weeks ago when a stranger walked in
with a big ostrich behind him.  He grabbed a stool at the end of
the bar, and as he sat down a small cat jumped up on the stool
beside him.  Seamus went over, regarding the trio with some
curiosity, and asked, "What can I get you folks?
 
The man said," I'll have a pint of best," and turned to the
ostrich. "What's yours?"
 
"I'll have a pint as well" replied the ostrich.
 
The stranger looked at the cat and said, "I suppose you want a
drink too."
 
The cat responded, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
 
So Seamus pulled two and a half pints, and says "That'll be four
pounds forty, please."
 
The man reached into his pocket, felt around and, to both the
landlord's and my surprise, pulled out exactly the right change. A
while later, the same thing happened, and the man pulled the exact
amount out of the same pocket.
 
The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat returned.  "I'll
have a pint of best," said the man.
 
"Same for me," piped up the ostrich, and the cat ordered up a half.
"But I ain't fookin' payin'!"  Repeat of the previous day.  The
bloke paid each time with the exact amount from his pocket.
 
This became almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the
trio entered again. "Usual?" asked Seamus.
 
"Well", said the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large
scotch."  He turned to the ostrich inquiringly.
 
The bird said, "I'll have a large scotch as well."
 
The cat said, "I'll have a small scotch, but I ain't fookin'
payin'!"
 
The publican rang up the drinks and turned, with a sly grin.
"That'll be seven pounds ninety, please."  To his amazement, the
man pulled the exact seven pounds ninety out of his pocket.
 
As the trio were finishing their drinks, Seamus could contain his
curiosity no longer.  "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's
something I must know.  How do you manage to always come up with
the exact change out of your pocket... every time?"
 
"Well, it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took
care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she
left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out
the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie
appeared and offered me two wishes."
 
That's fantastic", said our host.  "What did you wish for?"
 
"Well, whenever I need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in
my pocket and the right money will always be there."
 
"That's brilliant" observed Seamus, "most people would wish for a
million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live."
 
"That's right, whether its a pint of milk or even a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there.  The best thing I ever did!"
 
By this time my curiosity finally got the better of me, so I chimed
in, "One last thing, sir.  Err, your friends there...  We don't get
many cats drinking in here, and as for the ostrich..."
 
The man looked glum.  "Yes, I know.  That's probably the worst 
thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em.  You see, for my second
wish from the genie I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight
pussy."
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 23 Jan 1999 10:56:57 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Trial of the CENSUREY
 
I did this piece last week.   I used only the names of
senators/jurors/triers of the trial of the CENSUREY.
 
Well, a LOTT (R-MS) is going on in DC these days.  The SPECTER
(R-PA) of Andrew Johnson is being raised and we HARKIN (D-IA) back
to the days of the first impeachment trial of a U.S. President.
With the Honorable Supreme Court Chief Justice Rehnquist at the
HELMS (R-NC) of the trial of the CENSUREY, Clinton is BIDEN (D-DE)
his time as the trial managers HATCH (R-UT) a plan for his removal
from office, which would be a KOHL (D-WI) day in Hell if Clinton
had his way.
 
The trial is in open SESSIONS (R-AL) because they wouldn't want to
ROBB (D-VA) the American people of this historical event.  The
trial managers have already started laying the groundwork by
LINCOLN (D-AR) Clinton's name to Monica Lewinsky's.  Right now,
they are HAGELing (R-NE) over details about calling witnesses. If
Monica is called, will she sing like a BYRD (D-WV)?  Maybe her
lawyers will WARNER (R-VA) away from testifying.  I think if she
does testify she'll DASCHLE (D-SD) hopes of the President walking
away from this scot-free.
 
Clinton is like a BOXER (D-CA) in the fight of his life. His
lawyers will probably do everything in their power to BAYH (D-IN)
him some time.  They will probably maintain that their client's
indiscretions is SNOWEbody's (R-ME) business.  I think this whole
trial is CHAFEEing (R-RI) the American public the wrong away.
 
Most people think it is a bunch of AKAKA (D-HI) and it really BURNS
(R-MT) them up to hear and REED (D-RI) about it everyday, not to
mention the amount of taxpayer's NICKLES (R-OK) going to the cost
of the trial.  Some Americans think that the Senate is made up of a
bunch of DODDering (D-CT) fools who are out of touch with the
American public, INOUYE (D-HI), they may be right. KENNEDY (D-MA)
go by without the incessant coverage by the media on this whole
thing?
 
I think this will KERREY (D-NE) on for weeks and by the time they
are through we will all be commited to a SANTORUM (R-PA).  Regard-
less of the outcome this whole mess may WYDEN (D-OR) the gap
between Democrats and Republicans. Hopefully, as Americans, we can
BOND (R-MO) together and come out stronger because of this.  In the
ENZI (R-WY), whatever SHELBY (R-AL), shall be.
 
     --by Tiffany Wimberly
       via PUNY <puny@listserv.prodigy.com>
 
------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 23 Jan 1999 17:51:53 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Surgery sayings
 
     More Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
 
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness
 
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
 
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
 
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
 
Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie
 
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
 
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
 
There go the lights again...
 
Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two
of 'em.
 
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
 
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my
concentration off.
 
What's this doing here?
 
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
 
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
 
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
 
Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
 
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
 
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of
nature.
 
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
 
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
 
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
 
What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
 
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
 
Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
 
Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 23 Jan 1999 21:37:37 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Brite Side of Y2K
 
January 1, 2000
Re:  Vacation Pay
 
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over
the past 100 year(s).  As I'm sure you are aware, employees are
granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
 
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and
your next pay check will reflect payment of $ 8,277,432.22 which
will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
 
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 24 Jan 1999 01:15:47 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Good point
 
Trust the computer industry to shorten "Year 2000" to Y2K.  It was
this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the first place.
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Jan 1999 to 24 Jan 1999
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