HUMOR Digest - 22 Jan 1999 to 23 Jan 1999
There are 12 messages totalling 424 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Lawyer joke <clean for a change>
  2. State Highway Computers
  3. Involuntary worship
     <might be off. to Italians & the religious>
  4. Useful Inventions From Maryland (off. to Marylanders)
  5. Bell Ringing
  6. A Letter from the IOC
  7. As Old As The Hills
  8. Worst Summer Camps {adult}
  9. A letter to hinkley (PG for language)
 10. Proof!
 11. More PUNY Riddles
 12. Congratulations on a successful purchase!
 
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Date:    Thu, 21 Jan 1999 21:22:54 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: lawyer joke <clean for a change>
 
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then
takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
 
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding
man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out
1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
 
"But why?" asks the man.
 
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 22 Jan 1999 03:13:47 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: State Highway Computers
 
* Discouraged State Highway engineering hire to supervisor: "I
  had hoped to start at least one step above automation."
                        - - - - -
 
* State Highway's Senior Managers were among the last to learn
  the use of PC's.  During a training session, a Deputy Chief
  Engineer was attempting to query a database to list the sex
  of all personnel in the Maintenance Division.  The table
  requested was indeed printed -- but it had three columns.
                        - - - - -
 
* Prior to the advent of PC's, the Maryland State Highway had
  a mainframe with well-written in-house programs.  One, a
  calculation of steel beam deflections in bridges, was often
  queried twice with the same problem. When that occurred, the
  terminal would display, "Scheesch guy ! I just told you that
  answer.  Now listen-up this time dummy !"
                        - - - - -
 
* Once PC's were the norm, State programmers still cranked-out
  special applications.  For a word processing tutor, the user
  was told to "press any key".  Once they did, the screen would
  display "NO !  My dear God !!  Not THAT one !!!" and dissolve
  into a fireworks display, then go totally blank for a minute.
  Just imagine the secretaries' reactions.
                        - - - - -
 
* A State Highway in-house computer generated survey was sent
  to all mid-level managers assuring them the responses would
  be totally anonymous, since it contained a critique of both
  policy and the Senior Management team.  I threw mine in the
  trash.  Less than a week later I got a memo advising me that
  my survey hadn't been received & requested I submit it ASAP.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 22 Jan 1999 12:47:40 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Involuntary worship
         <might be off. to Italians & the religious>
 
An Italian bus driver and a priest were sitting in the waiting
room at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted into Heaven.
After a while, St Peter came and called in the bus driver.
 
Immediately the priest jumped up and ran over to St Peter, saying,
"Surely it can't be right that he's going in before me?"
 
"Well," said St Peter, "wasn't it the case that when you preached
in the church, people mostly sat and slept?  But when the bus
driver drove on those roads in Rome, all the passengers sat up
and shouted, 'Oh God! Oh God!'"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 22 Jan 1999 07:12:19 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Useful Inventions From Maryland (off. to Marylanders)
 
 -- The water-proof towel
 -- Glow in the dark sunglasses
 -- Solar powered flashlights
 -- Submarine screen doors
 -- A book on how to read
 -- Inflatable dart boards
 -- A dictionary index
 -- Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
 -- Powdered water
 -- Pedal-powered wheel chairs
 -- Waterproof tea bags
 -- The helicopter ejector seat
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 22 Jan 1999 08:23:34 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Bell Ringing
 
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very
small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
 
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him
to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest
moves closer to the boy's position.
 
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little
fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans
over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
 
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently
and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
 
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
 
          --Thanks to Mary Campbell
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 22 Jan 1999 06:35:50 -0700
From:    Paul Ruckdashel <bpruck@JUNO.COM>
Subject: A Letter from the IOC 
 
                        The Olympics Wants You
                                To
                        Corrupt an Official
 
Ever want to have an Olympic of your own?   Ever want to be in the
opening ceremonies or go home with the torch used to light the
Olympic flame?   Then this ad is for you.   IOC members at this
moment are answering phones to take bribes, prostitutes, and free
health care, just call 1-900-BRIBE-ME.
 
If that phone line is busy you can also reach us on the web at
WWW.FREELOADERS.COM/bribes/olympics.html.   If you are not
satisfied simply return your Olympics in 90 days and we'll give
you your money back.
 
To buy off IOC members the following thing are required.
- You must have a major credit card
  (American Express is not taken).
- You must be willing to spend money and time satisfying
  your newly corrupted members needs.
- he / she will require pedicures, manicures,
  and an occasional massage.
- your member may also require a prostitute or two
  or three or four...
- If you are not satisfied by your member's decision for
  where the next Olympics will be hosted simply send him / her
  back, at your own expense.
 
                  Current prices are...
Olympic torch:
..........................................................$200,000
 
Olympic representative:
.....................Free health care, college funds, $1.5 million
 
All IOC Reps:
...................................Please call 1-900-I'M-BIG-MONEY
 
Olympic athletes:
..........................$500,000 a piece (batteries not included)
 
Deals of the month are:
2 Olympic reps for the price of one.
 
                    Disclaimer:
 
Olympic representatives though easily corrupted are by no means
under any force or pressure to do what you tell them to.  Although
IOC members are potty trained they tend to cause accidents (Salt
Lake City's problems) and may inadvertently tell people who bribed
them.   The IOC as a whole is not responsible for these little
'Accidents' and will not back the corrupters up legally or
monetarily.   If you are not happy with your arrangement please
return your IOC representative and you moneys will be partially
refunded.
 
 
www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Pointe/5276
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 22 Jan 1999 08:36:53 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: As Old As The Hills
 
The census taker knocked on Miss Kimball's door.  She answered all
his questions except one.  She refused to tell him her age. "But
everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.
 
"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?"
 
"Certainly," said the census man.
 
"Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped.
 
"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.
            --------------------------------
 
After running up huge tabs all around town, Edna was signing the
latest charge slip when her friend, Shirley, asked if she hadn't
overdone it on the day's shopping spree. "Oh heaven's sake, no! My
husband's worked hard all his life. I deserve it!"
            --------------------------------
 
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to put information into a computer once.
            --------------------------------
 
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get
       the shopping channel.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 22 Jan 1999 14:57:47 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Worst Summer Camps {adult}
 
TOP 10 SUMMER CAMPS YOU SHOULD NOT SEND YOUR KIDS TO:
 
10. Tommy Lee's - Camp Kickachickee
 9. Lorena Bobbit's - Camp Cutaweewee
 8. Tanya Harding's - Camp Wackaneenee
 7. Kenneth Starr's - Camp Catchacrookee
 6. Louis Farakahn's - Camp Killawhitey
 5. O.J.Simpson's - Camp Killachickee
 4. Michael Jackson's - Camp Grabbakiddie
 3. President Clinton's- Camp Getahoochie
 2. Ellen Degeneres' - Camp Lickacoochie
 
 And the Number 1 camp not to send your kids to:
 
 1. Monica Lewinsky's - Camp Suckaweewee
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 22 Jan 1999 13:29:58 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: a letter to hinkley (PG for language)
 
Mr. John Hinkley
St. Elizabeth Hospital
Washington, D.C.
 
Dear John,
 
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how
pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your
recovery.  In our country's new spirit of understanding and
forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of
compassion and forgiveness Abroad throughout the land.  Hillary and
I want you to know that no grudge is held against you for shooting
President Reagan.  We, above all, are aware of how the mental
stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of
desperation.  Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make
a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world
again as a healthy and productive young man.
 
Best wishes,
 
Bill Clinton
 
P.S.  Ken Starr is fucking Jodie Foster.
 
          --from stoats@ix.netcom.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 22 Jan 1999 14:22:45 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Proof!
 
National Science Foundation announces study results on corporate
America.
 
 1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees - bowling
 2. Sport of choice for front line workers - softball
 3. Sport of choice for supervisors - baseball
 4. Sport of choice for mid management - racquetball
 5. Sport of choice for corporate officers - golf
 
Conclusion:
The higher you are in the corporate structure the smaller your
balls are.
 
Does this mean women belong at the top of the corporate structure?
 
          --thanks to Laurie Brown
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 22 Jan 1999 20:20:14 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: More PUNY Riddles
 
101. A dock, that is a favorite among locals, is ripped apart by
storms during the hurricane season but the locals faithfully
rebuild it each year in time for warmer weather because this
particular spot is a great gateway to fishing spots.  What have
the locals nicknamed this dock?
 
102. Why were the Communists revolutionaries unable to find
Anastasia?
 
103. In what way is the self-cannibalizing versifier like a famous
subterranean product of a Northwestern state?
 
104. Why do fugitives leaving the U. S. always go to Canada?
 
105. What do you call the research method that Thomas Edison used
when searching for the perfect material to use as a filament in his
first lightbulb?
 
 
                    - - - - - - - - - -
                         Answers
 
 
101. Pier-ennial (By Tiff Wimberly)
 
102 She was forever Romanov (By Gary Hallock)
 
103. Poet ate toe (Potato)  (By Cynthia MacGregor)
        Alt.: I et a whole poet toe (Idaho Potato)
 
104. Its the only place they have Toronto (To run to)
     (By Stan Kegel)
 
105. Process of illumination (By Gary Hallock)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 23 Jan 1999 00:04:37 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Congratulations on a successful purchase!
 
Man Crashes Car As 50 Pagers Ring At Once
 
KIEV (Reuters) - A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each
member of his staff as a New Year gift was so alarmed when all 50
of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp
post, a newspaper said Thursday.
 
The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the
accident happened, the Fakty daily reported. "With no more than 100
meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly
burst out screeching.  The businessman's fright was such that he
simply let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a
lamp post."
 
After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned
his attention to the message on the 50 pagers.  It read:
"Congratulations on a successful purchase!"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Jan 1999 to 23 Jan 1999
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