HUMOR Digest - 21 Jan 1999 to 22 Jan 1999
There are 14 messages totalling 560 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Serious Relationship <adult>
  2. These Days
  3. Off. To Women
  4. Impeachment blues on the beltway... [immolation threat]
  5. Zoo Visit
  6. Condom humor
  7. Mischeivous Brothers
  8. The Y1K Crisis
  9. The Investigation (A New Feghoot)
 10. Those Texans
 11. Pierre, The French Fighter Pilot <adult theme>
 12. Monkeying around..<adult>
 13. One liners (silly)
 14. Getting old <clean>
 
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Date:    Wed, 20 Jan 1999 09:10:11 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Serious Relationship <adult>
 
The other day while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I
looked for in a woman. Naturally, I replied, "Big tits."
 
He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
 
So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."
 
"No, no, no! I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want
to spend the rest of your life with?"
 
He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch
laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one
woman?  No woman's tits are *that* big!!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 21 Jan 1999 04:57:36 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: These Days
 
* Hospitals are cutting costs, but personally I think some
  have gone overboard.  A hospital in Baltimore Maryland
  just installed coin operated oxygen for the patients.
                        - - - - -
 
* The old expression "Born with a silver spoon in his mouth"
  still holds true.  Of course, in the case of the Columbia
  Yuppies, naturally, the spoon is monogrammed.
                        - - - - -
 
* Speaking of Columbia (I was) a Yuppette I know just got
  married.  Her parents weren't sure what to give the couple
  for a present, so they promised to pay for the divorce.
                        - - - - -
 
* Men still try to convince their wives that golfing is good
  exercise and that's why they go so much.  I can see that --
  all that climbing in & out of the cart uses a lot of energy.
                        - - - - -
 
* Even the Mafia has changed.  One family in New York has a
  gay Don.  The "Kiss of Death" is still the same, but now he
  includes champagne, dinner and dancing along with it.
                        - - - - -
 
* Ya gotta get up early to beat the gambling casinos though.
  A guy in Atlantic City won a bundle playing with phony dice.
  They paid him off in counterfeit twenty dollar bills.
                        - - - - -
 
* A garment manufacturer was granted an audience with the Pope.
  Upon his return to New York, a fellow businessman asked him
  what the Pope was like. "Oh, I'd say a 38 long." he replied.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 21 Jan 1999 07:12:26 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Off. To Women
 
Q - Why can't single women fart?
A - Because they don't get an asshole until they get married!
 
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it
 
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
   never be able to support you.
 
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
 
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."
 
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
 
Q: Why are women like guns?
A: Keep one around long enough and you're going to want to
   shoot it.
 
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
    yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you
   let him in.
 
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can
tell them apart.
 
Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
 
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
 
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -
I don't like to interrupt her.
 
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.
 
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
 
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%...........the wedding cake.
 
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
                             suffering.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 21 Jan 1999 07:51:32 -0500
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: Impeachment blues on the beltway... [immolation threat]
 
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to
a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic
seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
 
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the
lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me,
Officer, what's the hold up?"
 
The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the
impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the
Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set
himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have
the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up
a collection for him".
 
"Oh really?  How much have you collected so far?"
 
"So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of
folks still siphoning."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 21 Jan 1999 08:23:15 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Zoo Visit
 
Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New
York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the
Bronx Zoo.
 
The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the
bars, leapt to the ground and pumped her like crazy. Then he went
back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on
his massive chest.

 
The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her
clothes, turned to her companion and said,"We shall never talk
about this, agreed?" The other young nun consented.
 
Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close friend,
were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun
asked her friend," I know I agreed never to talk about the event at
the zoo but I have one question."
 
The other nun stared and said, "O.K., one question!"
 
The other nun stammered, then asked, "Did it hurt?"
 
"Did it hurt?  Oh yes it hurt!  He never called... he never
 phoned... he never sent flowers... !"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 21 Jan 1999 08:48:54 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Condom humor
 
Famous Opera
 
Among the many famous operas based on historical events is one
concerned with the long, arduous, and eventually futile effort to
establish rubber plantations along the coast of Chile. Eventually
it was decided that it would be easier and more economical to make
rubbers in factories.
 
This was the saga which was the basis for the Berlioz opera, "The
Trojans."
 
          --from Allan Hjerpe
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 21 Jan 1999 05:50:03 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Mischeivous Brothers
 
There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were
exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood,
it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their
wits' end trying to control them.
 
Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the
mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to
talk with the boys and he agreed.
 
The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but
said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the
mother sent the younger to the rabbi.
 
The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For
about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally,
the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man,
where is God?"
 
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all
around, then said nothing.
 
Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is
God?" Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing.
 
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far
across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose,
and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is God?"
 
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older
brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet,
where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're
in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."
 
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"
 
His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is
missing and they think we did it !!!"
 
 
Rodney of "Rodney And Cathy's Joke List"
http://www.rcjokelist.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 21 Jan 1999 14:07:10 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The Y1K Crisis
 
Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.
 
An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as
the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called
"Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever
heard of. Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of
Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computa-
tions, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time
left to fix the problem.
 
Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise?  Why did no
one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit
year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all
metrical verse in which any date is mentioned?  Every formulaic
hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events
will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables.
All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained
for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on
vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns,
at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official
event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations,
may be called into question.
 
"We should have seen it coming," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael
Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that THOUSAND
contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers,
and of course always refers to God.  Using it now in the name of
the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause
terrible confusion.  Of course, we could always use Latin, but that
might be even worse -- The Latin word for Thousand is Mille which
is the same as the Latin for mile.  We won't know whether we are
talking about time or distance!"
 
Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a propor
tional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all
dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its
inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-
stable medieval economy into chaos.
 
A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss
the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is
now one of personal survival.  Many families, in expectation of the
worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 21 Jan 1999 17:57:28 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Investigation (A New Feghoot)
 
As an investigator for the Fantasy Beings' Fair Housing Commission,
Ferdinand Feghoot was assigned to look into complaints that the
town of Donnybrook was systematically excluding the fictive.
 
The Mayor of Donnybrook was indignant. "That's nonsense!" he fumed.
"Why, we have several families of Hobbits living here, the
principal of our high school is an Elf, and one of our aldermen is
an Orc."
 
Feghoot shook his head sadly. "That," he replied, "is only...
Tolkien integration."
 
       (By Alan Follett based on a character by Richard Bretner)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 21 Jan 1999 16:04:24 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Those Texans
 
A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the
Pearly Gates. "Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex.  St. Peter
swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of
mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.
 
"We've got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch" said Tex.  St.
Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on
the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses,
bicycling, etc.
 
"We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags."  Whereupon St. Peter
threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball
of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the
entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.
 
"We don't have that," said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who
can put it out."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 21 Jan 1999 22:17:28 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Pierre, The French Fighter Pilot <adult theme>
 
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine.  It's a beautiful
day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says:
"Pierre, kiss me!".
 
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's
lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
 
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have
 red meat I like to have red wine!"
 
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So
she says : "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her blouse,
grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her
breasts. "Pierre, what are you doing?
 
"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white
meat I like to have white wine!"
 
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear,
"Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a
bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her crotch.  He grabs a
match and lights it on fire.
 
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams,  "PIERRE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING!!!?"
 
"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I
 go down in flames!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 22 Jan 1999 09:35:41 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Monkeying around..<adult>
 
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table,
grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"
 
The guy says, "No, what?"
 
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the
bartender.
 
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats
everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball
and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two
weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink & the monkey starts running around the bar again.
 
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on
the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats
it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
now?"
 
"Now what?" asks the patron.
 
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it
out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
 
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue
ball he measures everything first!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 21 Jan 1999 21:16:38 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: One liners (silly)
 
Some no brainers for our exhausted minds...
 
 1. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
       "Dam"
 2. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
       Polaroids
 3. What do prisoners use to call each other?
       Cell phones
 4. What do the letters DNA stand for?
       National Dyslexics Association
 5. Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and
    leg in a car crash?
       He's all right now
 6. How do crazy people go through the forest?
       They take the psycho path
 7. How do you get holy water?
       Boil the hell out of it
 8. How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
       She says. "Daddy I want a new apartment."
 9. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
       A stick
10. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
       Nacho Cheese
11. What do you call Santa's helpers?
       Subordinate Clauses
12. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
       Quatro sinko
13. What do you get from a pampered cow?
       Spoiled milk
14. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
       Frostbite
15. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
       A pachydermatologist
16. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out
    of a tree would kill you?
       A pool table
17. What is a zebra?
       26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
18. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
       Sanka.
19. and what kind of lettuce?
       Iceberg.
20. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
       A nervous wreck.
21. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and
    a rectal thermometer?
       The taste.
22. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
       Anyone can roast beef.
23. Where do you find a no-legged dog?
       Right where you left him.
24. Where do you get virgin wool from?
       Ugly sheep
25. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
       They all have phones.
26. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
       They're trying to get away from the noise.
27. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
       Because they have big fingers.
 
          --thanks to Kathy Voyer
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 21 Jan 1999 21:36:51 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Getting old <clean>
 
          Three Ladies Getting Old
 
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my
hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need
to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
 
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the
landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up
or on my way down."
 
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that
problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table,
then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Jan 1999 to 22 Jan 1999
************************************************
 
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