HUMOR Digest - 20 Jan 1999 to 21 Jan 1999
There are 13 messages totalling 629 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Ontario, Canada
  2. Choosing A Family Pet <insensitive to pets and kids>
  3. S'warm Inside (adult)
  4. Devout Dog, (a certain religious irreverence)
  5. First Time Late
  6. The Estate Agent
  7. Valentines
  8. Once Upon A Time
  9. No Spam & The Boat (Puns)
 10. Yet Even More "Darwinisms"
 11. Want a trip to Bali? <adult>
 12. Clinton's diary <off. to Clintons & supporters>
 13. If Microsoft Was Jewish
 
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Date:    Wed, 20 Jan 1999 03:28:14 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Ontario, Canada
 
* I'm not saying that the people are "slow" in Ontario, but
  it is very interesting that unlike US schools with grades
  from 1-12, Ontario's students attend for thirteen years.
                        - - - - -
 
* Lots of famous stars were born in Canada.  Although as yet
  unconfirmed, I understand that TV star Pamela Lee Anderson
  was once a life-long resident of Betchawanna Bay in Ontario
  before relocating to the US.
                        - - - - -
 
* Legend has it that this region of Canada was named by the
  Iroquois Indians who inhabited the area before the French
  came.  It is thought to mean "beautiful lake" and refers
  to Lake NoPissing, which sorta explains the Lake's beauty,
  thankfully, Golden Lake, an RV Camp, lies far to the East.
                        - - - - -
 
*    An Ontario event, the Royal Canadian Henley Regatta, the
  largest sculling event in North America is held daily.
     For those not familiar with the event, teams of Canadian
  housewives row boatloads of dirty dishes from the hotels on
  the American side of the Falls and wash them in Canadian
  sculleries where the labor costs are much cheaper.
                        - - - - -
 
*    Ontario's motto "Ut Incepit Fidelis Sic Permanet" loosely
  translated means "And the Insipid Sick Fiddling Shall Go On
  and On Forever".
     This of course is Ontario's way of reminding the US that
  the Acadians (aka "cajuns") from Nova Scotia & New Brunswick
  were refused settlement in Ontario & escorted to Louisiana.
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 20 Jan 1999 13:33:09 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Choosing A Family Pet <insensitive to pets and kids>
 
A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's
important to choose one that's right for your family. Here
are some tips for making a winning choice:
 
o Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children great
  emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which will outlive
  them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise.
o Be sure to check for the appropriate number of limbs before you
  get your new pet home.
o Pets soiling the rug in your house will only be a problem if they
  are given food and water.
o Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the
  same cruelty and neglect you do your children.
o Though most experts advocate spaying or neutering your pet, it's
  expensive, it's a big hassle, and it screws with your pet's mind.
  To hell with spaying and neutering.
o Don't choose a pet that is larger than your family can handle,
  unless you have plenty of room to store the leftovers.
o Only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in
  hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes.
o For a fun and low-maintenance pet, consider a "jar cat." Place a
  kitten in a 16-ounce jar and seal the lid. Your new pet won't get
  any bigger and will never run away or get into fights.
o Before letting your children play with their brand-new pet,
  remove potentially dangerous teeth and claws with a hand-held
  rotating saw.
o For those parents concerned about the added expense a pet brings,
  remember: many pets and children may be fed to one another.
o Pet ownership is a great way to teach children about the entire
  cycle of life, from the miracle of birth to the inevitability of
  death. An efficient parent can teach these important lessons in
  about three hours.
o Remind your children that pet ownership is a privilege they earn
  through good behavior. If they do not live up to this responsi-
  bility, take the pet away by sacrificing it in an elaborate
  ceremony involving candles, knives, readings from the Book Of
  Numbers, and the ritual consumption of the pet's roasted corpse.
o Remember, pets need regular food, exercise, love and attention.
  You probably should not be allowed to own one.
 
          --from The Onion, Inc.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 20 Jan 1999 06:58:18 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: S'warm Inside (adult)
 
One day a young man and woman were making love in their bedroom
when, unbeknowst to them, a bumble bee entered the room. Since the
young lady had her legs parted, the bee entered her vagina and
crawled up. The young lady panicked and screamed. Her husband
immediately took her to their doctor and explained the situation.
 
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmmm, it's a tricky
situation but I do have a solution if the young sir will permit
me." The husband agreed that the doctor could use whatever method
necessary to remove the bee from his wife's vagina.
 
The doctor said, "Ok, I'm gong to rub some honey on the head of my
penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee
getting closer to the tip of my dick, I'll withdraw it and the bee
should follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
 
The husband nodded with approval. The young lady said, "yes...
yes... whatever... just get on with it."
 
So the doctor inserted his penis. After a few gentle strokes, the
doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. I'll
just go a bit deeper." The doctor went deeper and deeper.
 
After a while, the doctor's thrusts became very hard and the young
lady began to quiver with excitement and moan and groan aloud. The
doctor, looked like he was enjoying it and suddenly he put his
hands on the young lady's breasts while also making loud noises.
 
At this point, the husband became very annoyed and shouted, "Now
wait a minute! What the hell do you thing you're doing?!"
 
The doctor, still thrusting very hard, replied, "Change of plans,
son. I'm going to drown the bastard!!!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 20 Jan 1999 07:00:07 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Devout Dog, (a certain religious irreverence)
 
A devout couple felt it important to own an equally devout pet.
So, they went shopping.  At a kennel specializing in this
particular breed, they found a dog they liked.
 
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.
When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally
fast, using his paws with dexterity.  They were impressed,
purchased the animal, and went home -- devoutly.
 
That night they had friends over.  They were so proud of their new
pet and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a
little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was
able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well.  This stopped the
couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
 
Well, they said, "let's try this out."  Once more they called the
dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"  Quick as a
wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed
his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
 
--from Gregory Singleton, founding father of the RelHumor-List
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 20 Jan 1999 08:51:53 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: First Time Late
 
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot.
He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on
one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it
caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking
at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
 
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and
torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped
painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all
eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of
stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
 
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you
a whole hour?"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 20 Jan 1999 17:34:54 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: The Estate Agent
 
     [Improper post removed for Archival Purposes]
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 20 Jan 1999 12:59:56 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Valentines
 
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He
then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all
over them.
 
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding
man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out
1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
 
"But why?" asks the man.
 
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 20 Jan 1999 18:13:07 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Once Upon A Time
 
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was
very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships
all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best
of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However,
there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning
he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his
captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an
envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper
for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his
daily duties.
 
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it
a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love?  Everyone
speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. One day the
captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the
first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He
opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...
 
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others.
Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
``Port Left, Starboard Right''
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 20 Jan 1999 18:05:13 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: No Spam & The Boat (Puns)
 
How can you make money these days?
Buy 50 female pigs and 50 male deer
and you ll have a hundred sows and bucks.
          --by Richard Lederer
          - - - - - - - - - -
 
A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby.  Since his
buddies talked about sailing, he thought he'd give it a go.  He
went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions.
Everything seemed to be going well when he said, "How do you dock
the boat?"
 
The salesman replied, "Well, you really don't dock the sailboat,
you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock.  This way you don't
bang up the finish on the craft."
 
"Well then," the lawyer asked, "How do you get out to the
 sailboat?"
 
"Good question." The salesman told him.  You can get a small raft
and paddle out to the boat, or you can just walk out to the boat,
if you don't mind getting wet.
 
"Oh, I get it," the lawyer replied... "It's Row vs Wade."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 20 Jan 1999 23:17:51 EST
From:    Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Yet Even More "Darwinisms"
 
Yet Even More Darwin Awards
 
   A 34 yr. old white male found dead in the basement of his home
died of suffocation, police said.  He was approximately 6' 2" and
225 lb. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white
saddle shoes and a woman's wig.  It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look.  He was also wearing a military
gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in its place.  The other end of the hose was connected to
a hollow wooden section of bedpost approximately 12 inches long and
3 inches in diameter.  This bedpost was inserted into his rear end
for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
   Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his
death to his family members "very awkward".
          *****************************
 
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached.  It appears they decided to "moon"
the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of the plane and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.
          *****************************
 
   A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made to
911. She had no details before arriving except that someone was
reporting that his father was not breathing.  Upon arrival, the
officer found the man face down on the couch, naked.  When she
rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR if necessary,
she noticed burn marks around his genitals.  After the ambulance
arrived and removed the man (who turned out to be dead on arrival
at hospital), the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and
noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions.
   Upon flipping the couch over they discovered what caused his
death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between
the cushions, down into the hole and between two electric sanders
(with the sandpaper removed for obvious reasons).  According to the
story, after his orgasm the... ahem... discharge shorted out one of
the sanders, electrocuting him to death.
          *****************************
 
   (AP) LOS ANGELES - Police officials would not release the name
of a Pacoima man who was found dead yesterday after responding to
complaints from neighbors that a bad smell was coming from his
apartment.
   Upon entering the apartment, officers were surprised to see that
every square inch of the apartment, including appliances and even
the inside of the toilet, were covered with pornographic images cut
from magazines.
   "The visual effect was very unsettling," said Officer Hradj of
the Pacoima Police.  "Because everything looked the same, you could
not tell where one wall ended and a doorway began."  The surprises
did not end there, however. Police described the man as having
"concocted a wire frame around his head" upon which he had taped
various pornographic images, apparently so he could freely move
about his apartment without ever losing his close-up view of nude
bodies.
   Small slits had been cut into the paper so he could find his
way, but according to Hradj, "He had almost no peripheral vision.
He could barely see a thing."  The man was found nude with this
wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp.  "We think he had been
dusting," said another police officer, "because a feather duster
was lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow become caught
in the lamp, which was chained to the ceiling."
   The man allegedly choked to death trying to extricate himself
from his predicament.  According to his apartment manager, the
white male in his mid-30's never left his apartment, and had food
delivered weekly.  Funeral services are planned for next week.
His next of kin requested that his name be withheld.
          *****************************
 
A young Inuit man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply
because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into
the fireplace in his house.  The resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
          *****************************
 
   A 27 year-old French woman lost control over her car on a
highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring
her passenger and killing her.  As a commonplace road accident,
this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination were it not
for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her
Tamagotchi keyring, which had started urgently beeping for food as
she drove along.
   In attempting to press the correct buttons to save the
Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 21 Jan 1999 10:17:10 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Want a trip to Bali? <adult>
 
A radio station in Waterbury, WTIC 1050, has a competition where
they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their
spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the
answers are the same, the couple win a holiday trip to Bali.
 
Last week the competition went like this:
 
Presenter: Good Morning its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
 
John: Yeah, sure.
 
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
 
John: Ohhh, dude. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
      Right after I finished lifting weights.
 
Presenter: And how long did it go ?
 
John: Orrrrr... about 10 minutes.
 
Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it?
 
John: Ohhhh, I can't say that.
 
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here John!
 
John: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
 
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one.
           John, now is it O.K. for us to call your girlfriend?
 
John: Yeah, alright.
 
Presenter: Hi Jen, how are you ?
 
Jen: Hi. Good thanks.
 
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got John on the other
           line, say hello.
 
Jen: Hi John.
 
John: Hi Jen.
 
Presenter: Now Jen, we're going to ask you the same three questions
           we asked John and if you give the same answers, you win
           a trip for two to Bali.
 
John: Just tell the truth Honey.
 
Jen: O.K.
 
Presenter: Jen, when was the last time you had sex ?
 
Jen: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
 
John: Jen, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
 
Jen: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before John went to work.
 
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go,
           Jen ?
 
Jen: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
 
Co-Presenter: That's close enough... John was just being a
              gentleman.
 
Presenter: O.K. Jen, final question. Where did you do it ?
 
Jen: Oh, no! I can't say that. My mom could be listing. No way, no.
 
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
 
John: Jen, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway...
      just tell em.
 
Jen: Ohhhh... alright... Up the ass!
 
Radio Silence
 
Advertisement
 
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live
           here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given
           John and Jen the holiday trip.
 
Now we'll take a music break.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 20 Jan 1999 22:37:47 -0700
From:    Paul Ruckdashel <bpruck@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Clinton's diary <off. to Clintons & supporters>
 
Dear Diary,
To bomb Irag or not to bomb Iraq that is the question of the day.
 
        Pros                               Cons
-Republican love me                   -Arab hate me
-Impeachment stalled                  -go home to Hillary
-Non existant weapons                 -Sadam gets bright idea
 of mass destruction destroyed        -Sadam goes scytzoid
-Democrats go home happy              -I wet my bed
-good bye monica                      -Hello Ki-Ki
                                       (oops wrong column)
 
O.k. I've decided to bomb Iraq.  What you don't agree with me? 
But according to CNN's latest poll (remind me to pay them more)
73% of americans agree with me and everything I do (sex starved
people, who did they poll anyways).  Here comes Ki-Ki right now
gota go.  Bye-Bye
                        Bill 'puff dad' Clinton
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 20 Jan 1999 21:47:06 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: If Microsoft Was Jewish
 
 1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC
    would get "Ferklempt".
 2. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
 3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels".
 4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
 5. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24
    hours.
 6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go!  I'm
    not getting any younger!" button.
 7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already-
    You're killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn't
    hear that!".
 8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC,
    you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's
    tuchis".
 9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my
    music already!".
10. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in
    the upper right corner.
11. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a
    little byte of that".
13. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant
    I should fix this?" message.
14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a
    loud "Oy!!!".
15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise
    that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."
17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
 
          --from Amy Golden
            via HAIRYPUPIK@aol.com
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Jan 1999 to 21 Jan 1999
************************************************
 
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