HUMOR Digest - 19 Jan 1999 to 20 Jan 1999
There are 13 messages totalling 524 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. JimJr's Misc Observations
  2. Lawers - Subspecies or Alien?
  3. Life questions <clean, profound>
  4. Life In Washington, D.C. (off. to Clinton)
  5. Ethnic Jokes <adult, off. to humor-impaired>
  6. Anagram <adult>
  7. Two Ovaries <adult theme>
  8. Wedding Night
  9. That dangerous Furby!
 10. Good catch <clean>
 11. Real Estate Gems (2nd of 2)
 12. Surd-Times : The Last Coach <clean>
 13. When In Rome (Pun)
 
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Date:    Tue, 19 Jan 1999 03:18:21 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: JimJr's Misc Observations
 
* About the only thing harder than a diamond is the payments.
                           - - - - -
 
* Purse snatchers are not really the cowards everyone thinks.
  With each offense, they run the risk of a hernia.
                           - - - - -
 
* I firmly believe that money cannot buy happiness.  It can
  however make misery far more comfortable.
                           - - - - -
 
* Why is it that luck usually seems to favor the people who
  don't need it ?
                           - - - - -
 
* I'm not sure why some people cannot grow old "gracefully".
  After all, we all devote all of our time to it.
                           - - - - -
 
* In all marriages, the "cooing" stops sooner or later...
  the billing however goes on forever.
                           - - - - -
 
* Why is it in most nite clubs the tables are reserved but
  the customers aren't ?
                           - - - - -
 
* Most optimists are people who can always see the bright
  side of your problem(s).
                           - - - - -
 
* Now that I've retired, I don't have to compete in the "rat
  race" any more.  Good thing too -- the rats are getting a
  whole lot faster these days.
                           - - - - -
 
* I've come to the conclusion that the youth of today aren't
  really afraid of hard work.  It's their inordinate fear of
  getting tired that makes them such slackers.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 19 Jan 1999 09:02:12 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Lawers - Subspecies or Alien?
 
This is the first of a series on some of the life forms we are
sometimes forced to deal with.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
   Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the
Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune
to expire on the same day.  St. Peter, who escorted him to his
quarters, greeted the Pope first.  The room was somewhat shabby and
small, similar to that found in a low-grade Motel 6-type establish-
ment.  The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial
suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace
overlooking the Gates.  The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and
told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing
as how the Pope was given such small accommodations."
   St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, they're
very common, but  we've never had a lawyer."
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
    Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
    A: No.
Reply: Good!
 
Q: Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
A: Professional courtesy.
 
Q: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
A: His lips begin to move.
 
Q: How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead
   in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
A: With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
 
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
   As Mr. Smith was on his deathbed, he attempted to formulate a
plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable
wealth with him.  He called for the three men he trusted most - his
lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to
give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.  At my funeral, I want
you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it
with me."   All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
   At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed
an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery,
the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he
would have wanted me to do this.  The church needed a new
baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave
me and bought one.  I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
   The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one
another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full
$30,000 in the coffin either.  Smith had a disease that could have
been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the
machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000
of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save
another patient.  I know that Smith would have wanted me to do
that."
   The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you.  When I put
my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the
full $30,000."
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no
longer be using rats for medical experimentation.  In their place,
they will use attorneys.  They have given three reasons for this
decision:
  1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
  2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached
     to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
  3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats
     won't do.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q: What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
A: An offer you can't understand.
 
Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A: A  f***ing know-it-all.
 
Q: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?
A: A great place to start.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Good News - A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff.  There were no
            survivors.
Bad News - There were three empty seats.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the
criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.  When a person
assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets
arrested; we call him a defence lawyer.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
   A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town,
obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a
criminal attorney in town?"
   The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q: How do you get an attorney out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 19 Jan 1999 13:00:46 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Life questions <clean, profound>
 
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
 
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
 
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
 
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
 
If horrific means horrible,  does terrific means terrible?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 19 Jan 1999 07:02:42 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Life In Washington, D.C. (off. to Clinton)
 
A guy on his way home from work came to a dead halt in traffic and
thought to himself, "hell, this traffic seems worse than usual.
Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back
and forth between the lines of cars so he rolled down his window
and asked, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"
 
The Officer replied, "The President is just so depressed about the
impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the
Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set
himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have
the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up
a collection for him."
 
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
 
"So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of
 folks still siphoning."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 19 Jan 1999 09:18:16 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Ethnic Jokes <adult, off. to humor-impaired>
 
Q: Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
A: Italians hate ALL witnesses.
              >---------------------<
 
Q: Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce?
A: Her husband was driving her buggy.
             >---------------------<
 
Q: How can you pick out the Irish guy in the hospital?
A: He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.
              >---------------------<
 
   Mrs. Buttinski had been having some female problems, so
she went to the doctor for an examination. After he was done,
the doctor said to Mrs Buttinski: "I have to tell you that you
have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it
would be a miracle."
   She went home and told her husband: "You wouldn't believe it.
I vent to the doctor and he told me - 'You have a fish in your
uterus and if you have a baby it vill be a mackerel'"
              >---------------------<
 
Did you hear they came out with a new Selena doll?
Ken and Barbie needed a maid.
              >---------------------<
 
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
              >---------------------<
 
   A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada.
The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window
admiring the scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by.
"Och, Whut's Thaaat?!" he asked.
   His Canadian friend looked out the window, and said, "Oh, that's
a Moose."
   Och!  If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are yoor cats aroond here?"
              >---------------------<
 
Q: How many cops does it take to push a black man
       down the stairs?
A: None... he FELL!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 19 Jan 1999 09:24:01 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Anagram <adult>
 
If you like anagrams: "President Clinton of the USA"
can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using
each letter only once) into:
 
          "To copulate he finds interns"
 
     --from a Rodney Lee site
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 19 Jan 1999 09:32:27 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Two Ovaries <adult theme>
 
There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house
when they heard a knock at the door.
 
"I`ll get the door" says the first Ovary. She Looks out the Peep
hole and says; "Did you order furniture?"
 
No why?" asks the other Ovary.
 
"Because there two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 19 Jan 1999 13:03:18 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Wedding Night
 
On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally
retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, Bessie,
the bride left the bathroom to find Moe, the bridegroom, with his
prayer book in front of the bed.
 
"So what are you doing?" she asked.
 
"I'm praying for guidance" answered the religious young man.
 
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 19 Jan 1999 13:33:56 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: That dangerous Furby!
 
Furby toy banned from spy agency, Washington Post reports
 
Copyright 1999 Nando Media
Copyright 1999 Associated Press
 
WASHINGTON - January 13, 1999
 
First, they foiled thousands of weary parents, desperately scouring
store shelves to buy their kids "the" holiday toy. Now, the
government's spy agency has said Furby toys could threaten the
national security.
 
The National Security Agency has banned the popular pets from its
Fort Meade premises in Maryland. In an internal message to workers,
the NSA issued a warning about the toy, which is embedded with a
computer chip that allows it to utters 200 words - 100 in English
and 100 in "Furbish."
 
"Personally owned photographic, video and audio recording equipment
are prohibited items. This includes toys, such as 'Furbys,' with
built-in recorders that repeat the audio with synthesized sound to
mimic the original signal," the Furby Alert read, according to
Wednesday's editions of The Washington Post.
 
"We are prohibited from introducing these items into NSA spaces.
Those who have should contact their Staff Security Office for
guidance."
 
The Furby resembles an owl, with tufts of hair between its huge
pink ears.
 
Because of its ability to repeat some of what it hears, NSA
officials were worried "that people would take them home and they'd
start talking classified," one Capitol Hill source told the Post.
 
          --Source: http://www.nandotimes.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 19 Jan 1999 17:51:23 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: good catch <clean>
 
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and
put his hand out the window to check.  As he did so a glass eye
fell into his hand.
 
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman
looking down.  "Is this yours?" he asked.
 
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
 
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a
drink.
 
As she was very attractive he agreed.  Shortly afterwards she said,
"I'm about to have dinner.  There's plenty; would you like to join
me?"
 
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.  As
the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a
marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
 
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man
you meet?"
 
"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 19 Jan 1999 20:28:04 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Real Estate Gems (2nd of 2)
 
Copied from Ann Landers, a syndicated advice collumnist.
 
 
 Agent: What area are you living in now?
Client: Well, we sleep in Philadelphia with some relatives, and we
        bathe in Bristol with other relatives.
 
Client: I'd like to make an appointment to see you on Saturday.
 Agent: Saturday is our busiest day. Can you come in during the
        week?
Client: Sure, no problem. How about Saturday?
 
 Agent: Do you have any pets?
Client: Why? Are pets required to get an apartment these days?
 
 Agent: What kind of dog do you have?
Client: He's part bagel and part lavender.
 
 Agent: What price range are you looking for?
Client: I want a two-bedroom apartment in the price range of a
        three-bedroom apartment.
 
 Agent: What is your approximate yearly income?
Client: I don't know. I've only been working here seven months.
 
 Agent: How many are in your family?
Client: Just me and my date.
 
 Agent: What is your name? (Silence.) Ma'am, what is your name,
        please?
Client: Don't rush me! I'm thinking.
 
 Agent: You say you are living with your son? How old is he?
Client: He is 60.
 Agent: And how old are you?
Client: I am 30.
 
 Agent: So you want your name removed from our list of renters?
Client: I'm giving notice to move from my townhouse because I just
        bought a condom in New Jersey.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 20 Jan 1999 09:39:58 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Surd-Times : The Last Coach <clean>
 
A sardarji was working as an editor in a daily newspaper. Mr.Editor
was travelling to Bombay to deliver a speech about railway
department improvements. His coach was the last coach in the train.
The train was moving very fast and so our guy's coach was err..
jerking heavily.
 
This made him re-modify his speech. Annoyed by the event, next day
in the meeting, his first point towards improvement of railway
department was "There should not be a last coach in any train."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 19 Jan 1999 19:46:43 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: When In Rome (Pun)
 
One fine day in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar turned his attention to
a problem plaguing his mighty empire: laundry. Getting all those
white togas clean was a constant pain. He also had some weird ideas
that if he could get the togas stiff enough, they would be like a
light coat of armor... not enough to last through a sustained
battle, but enough to ward off an assassin's arrow.
 
He figured the easiest way to get this done on a large scale would
be to dump a bunch of detergent into a tidal pool, and dump the
toga's in afterwards. (This was two thousand years ago... the
environmental movement was restricted to a few druids here and
there). The gentle motion of the tides would wash the dirt out.
Afterwards, all that would have to be done would be to throw some
starch in, and then pull the toga's out to dry.
 
He assigned this task to some of his scientists and engineers. They
started executing his plan, and all was going well until they threw
in the starch. The goddess of nature, angered at the environmental
destruction, caused a huge tidal wave to spring up and wash over
the assembled workers. A stiff breeze afterwards dried them off so
quickly they were all frozen into place.
 
After a little while, Caesar began to wonder about the progress of
the enterprise, so he decided to visit the site with some of his
advisors. Arriving at the tidal pool, he was unable to make heads
or tails of the sight of his workers stuck standing there.
 
Until of course, one of his advisors whispered to him...
Beware, the tides of starch.
                
          -By N Varacalli
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Jan 1999 to 20 Jan 1999
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