HUMOR Digest - 18 Jan 1999 to 19 Jan 1999
There are 14 messages totalling 778 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Cockamamie Connubiality
  2. Lone ranger (nudity, P-word)
  3. Losing Your Cool
  4. Gum'mint Work - Great If You Can Get It!
     <off. to gum'mi... nah, THEY'RE off. to US>
  5. Don't Mess With The Professor
  6. A Letter by Dionysus Exiguus
  7. Fridge Alert (adult content)
  8. Real Estate Gems (1st of 2)
  9. Strange Bedfellows...
 10. You just might be an engineer if
 11. The Summer Vacation (Pun, Adult Content)
 12. Cat to English Dictionary (PG)
 13. Facile comments about contemporary life
 14. It's A  Peach------ment (adult)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 05:19:57 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Cockamamie Connubiality
 
* The alert husband should always keep an eye out for little
  signs that he's irritated his wife somehow and she's upset;
  like when she vacuums up his stamp collection, for example.
                        - - - - -
 
* Did y'all hear about the fella who dressed his wife in all
  leather, took her to the airport and asked her to check in
  the luggage ?  He hasn't seen her since.
                        - - - - -
 
* A friend of mine solved the problem of his wife exchanging
  all of the presents he gives her.  He buys very expensive
  clothing in "petite" sizes.  She still takes them back to
  exchange them, but he scores a lotta points.
                        - - - - -
 
*   The couple celebrated their 30th anniversary with a safari
  in the jungle.  As the wife was exploring, a lion jumped out
  of the brush and began stalking her.  "Shoot Henry, shoot !"
  she screamed.
    "I can't !" he replied.  "I'm all out of film."
                        - - - - -
 
*   The aging couple sat silent at the breakfast table, while
  the husband was reading the paper.  His wife said, "Tom,
  have you ever thought how you'd look with a moustache ?"
    "Terry !" the husband fumed. "Why do you insist that we
  always do everything together ?"
                        - - - - -
 
*   I was having a few drinks with a co-worker who seemed in
  an overly jovial mood.  "What's up George ?" I asked, "You
  seem so upbeat today."
    "My best friend ran off with my wife last nite." he said.
    "George !" I replied, "I thought I was your best friend."
    "Not anymore Jimmy." he said, grinning from ear-to-ear.
  "Not anymore."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 12:38:08 +0100
From:    Csongor Janos <jccbtr@ELENDER.HU>
Subject: Lone ranger (nudity, P-word)
 
One day, on the job as usual, the Lone Ranger and his faithful
companion, Tonto, were riding the prairie. Suddenly, they got into
a duststorm and separated. Not long later, the Lone Ranger were
captured by a patrol of the bloodthirsty Kajova Indians, who wanted
to do him away for a long time.
 
They took him to their camp and tortured him for many days. Because
he bore the torture without wailing and begging for mercy, behaving
like the true warrior he was, the Indians decided to grant him a
final wish before they would execute him.
 
When asked about his wish, he calmly responded: "I would like to
smoke a big cigar for the last time in my life." The Indians,
surprised as they were, searched their loot from their earlier
pillagings, and found a reeeally big cigar. They gave it to the
Lone Ranger, who lighted up, and started puffing away. He took
reeeally big drafts, and let out huge clouds of smoke. After some
time, one of the Indians accidentally looked up on the ridge above
the camp, and saw...
 
Tonto, the faithful companion and twenty naked woman on horseback!
The Indians started yelling, were looking for their weapons, and
there was much confusion in the camp. During all this, the Lone
Ranger has managed to untie himself, get on his horse & escape from
the Indians.
 
Later that day, when he rejoined Tonto, he told him: "Tonto...
I said "posse"".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 07:58:48 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Losing Your Cool
 
 You know you've lost your status of "Cool" when:
 
 - You find yourself listening to talk radio.
 - You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
 - The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
 - You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
 - Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.
 - You think "Tragically Hip" is when a middle-aged man gets a new
   sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
 - You criticize the kids of today for their satanic
   suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice
   Cooper and Black Sabbath.
 - You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of
   grabbing beer and joining them.
 - You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have
   to work the next day.
 - When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
 - When jogging is something you do to your memory.
 - Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair. Sex
   becomes "all that foolishness."
 - Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
 - All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
 - You remember the Rolling Stones as a rock group, not a
   corporation.
 - You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your
   son's new running shoes.
 - You actually ASK for your father's advice.
 - You don't know how to operate a fax machine or a VCR.
 - When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf
   board.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 09:01:36 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Gum'mint Work - Great If You Can Get It!
         <off. to gum'mi... nah, THEY'RE off. to US>
 
You know you've been working for the Government too long when....
 
* The process becomes more important than the product.
* Meeting minutes become very important to you.
* You understand the reason for different colors of money.
* You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting
     on a subject you know nothing about.
* You feel you contributed to the meeting by simply being there.
* You realize that a paperless office is impossible.
     Actually you believe it is possible, just not at yours.
* You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been
      long since canceled.
* You stop raising issues/problems because you know
     you will be the one answering them.
* You understand the rationalization of an acronym
     comprised of acronyms.
* You believe that 40 hours charged to one code is lazy,
     but 40 hours charged to multiple codes is initiative.
* You know the proper number of blank spaces that should
     follow a Roman numeral index.
* You often use the word SHALL while writing.
* You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title
     is an acronym.
* Knowing that a squeaky wheel gets either oiled (good)
    or replaced (bad), you remain silent.
* You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing
    for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
 
                 (via Swiggy)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 09:37:37 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Don't Mess With The Professor
 
The rules at a particular university were such that if the
professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past
the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students
were free to leave -- with no penalties for missing a class.
The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks which "jumped"
ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. These clocks
were also not of the most sophisticated construction.
 
Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the
clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump"
ahead 1 minute.
 
So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take
target practice at the clock.  This particular professor was not
the most punctual, and the students considered him severely
"absent-minded". A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were
passed, and class dismissed itself.
 
Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor
strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them
"You have 1 hour to complete".
 
The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around
the room, gleefully took aim at the clock.  When he had success-
fully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class
and collected the exam papers.
 
Life does teach some lessons the hard way.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 10:53:46 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: A Letter by Dionysus Exiguus
 
2000 or 2001, the argument rages on.  It is too bad that the first
letter Dionysus Exiguus (the inventor of the A.D. system) wrote to
Pope St. John 1 has been lost in the Vatican files.  However, a
second letter Exiguus wrote about a year after has been located and
a loose translation has been done by Dr. Hugo Angelperson.  It is
presented below, with a few explanatory notes.
 
Calends(1) of April
CCXLII(2) after the Accession of the Emperor Diocletian (3)
 
Yo, Big Daddy(4) John:
 
I'm still kicking around this Anno Domini idea.  Having a problem
with how to number the beginning point.  Right now I favor
establishing Our Lord's year of birth at -I A.D.(5), but have also
been thinking about using that new Arabian invention, the zero, to
mark the beginning. While my mathematical friends insist that I
should use the zero, instead of going from -I to I, I think that it
is all much ado about nothing(6).
 
What troubles me about using the zero as a starting point is that
it is an invention of the infidels and, therefore, should probably
be treated as a profane symbol.  But, I could be in error and want
to have the approval of the One Holy Catholic Apostolic Church
informing my decision.  Specifically, Your Holiness,  I need to
have your theologians rule on the question:  is nothing sacred?
 
If I can't use the zero, I shall stick with the -I to I approach.
I figure, what the hey, in a couple of thousand years it will not
make much of a difference either way.  I do not want to spend too
much more time on this matter because it is keeping from my first
love which you know is frying potatos(7).
 
I remain your obedient servant and humble follower of Our Lord
Jesus Christ,
 
Denis the Diminutive(8)
          ---------------------------------
 
1. The day after the last day of the preceding month.
2. 242
3. This took place in what we would now label 284 A.D.  The
   accession was one of several starting points in use at the time.
4. A speculative rendering of the colloquial greeting which was
   used.
5. At least some contemporary authorities believe that this was
   Exiguus' ultimate solution to the problem.  Note how the -I
   would be the functional equivalent of a zero year thus making
   2000 the beginning of the third millennium.
6. There is no indication that Shakespeare picked up on this phrase
   for the title of his play.
7. Yes, Exiguus was one of the first "chip monks."
8. This was the pre-Latinized form of Dionysus Exiguus' name.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 08:28:36 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Fridge Alert (adult content)
 
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to
tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today,
and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly
horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
 
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch
her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could
tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal
where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to
the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the
railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it,
he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and
got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he
couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the
fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing
him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a
heart attack and died there on the balcony."
 
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the
man in.
 
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven
being full, and again asks for his story.
 
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on
my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something,
because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the
railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't
hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the
balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating
on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into
the apartment and grabbed a hammer & started pounding on my hands.
Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the
bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when was thinking I was
going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky
and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.
 
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and
asked for his story.
 
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
 refrigerator..."
 
 
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 11:49:27 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Real Estate Gems (1st of 2)
 
(Copied from Ann Landers, a syndicated advice collumnist)
 
Dear Ann Landers:
I enjoyed your column about the ridiculous questions asked by
lawyers in the courtroom. I have been in the real estate rental
business for more than 40 years and have kept a record of unusual
phone calls we have received. Your readers might enjoy them.
          -- Henry Berks, Bensalem, Pa.
 
Dear Henry Berks:
I didn't realize the real estate business could be so amusing.
Here are my favorites from your collection:
 
 Agent: What is your address?
Client: Just a minute. I'll ask my husband.
 
Client: Because Christmas comes so close to New Year's this year,
        we will be a little late with the rent.
 
 Agent: Do you have any pets?
Client: Oh no! I can't use nothing that can't go to the bathroom by
        itself.
 
 Agent: How many are in your family?
Client: None. Just me and my wife.
 
 Agent: Do you have any pets?
Client: Just my son. He's 2.
 
 Agent: In what area are you interested?
Client: I don't care about the area. It's the vicinity I'm
        concerned about.
 
 Agent: Where are you employed?
Client: At the naval hospital.
 Agent: In what capacity?
Client: Hold on a minute. Hey, Joe, what's the capacity of the
        naval hospital?
 
 Agent: In what area are you looking?
Client: I don't want to live in the South, North, East or West.
 
 Agent: Where do you want to live?
Client: Fifteen minutes from the job.
 Agent: Where do you work?
Client: Who me? I don't work.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 10:51:47 -0800
From:    "Todd C. Nessen" <todd@NESSENCONSULTING.COM>
Subject: Strange Bedfellows...
 
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked
by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the
birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband", she replies.
 
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
 
"No, no boyfriend either."
 
"Do you have a partner then?"
 
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."
 
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You
have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you
see her that the baby is black."
 
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no
money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno
movie. The lead man was black."
 
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my
business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward
questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
 
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed
the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the
movie, what else could I do?"
 
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my
business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
 
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up & there
was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no
choice."
 
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents
her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on
the rear.  The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well
thank God for that!"
 
"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.
 
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible
 feeling that she was going to bark."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 11:42:31 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: You just might be an engineer if
 
- The only jokes you receive are through e-mail
- At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to
  find the burnt-out bulb in the string
- Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to
  upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
- Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the
  scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
- In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure
- The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your
  questions
- You are always late to meetings
- You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are
  falling
- You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday
- You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
- You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own
  handwriting
- You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical
  lines
- You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and
  parallel
- You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months
- You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs
  to see how they do the special effects
- You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area
- You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
- You have more friends on the Internet than in real life
- You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself
  since you got married
- You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
  hanging coats and taping ducts
- You know what http:// actually stands for
- You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
- You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
- You see a good design and still have to change it
- You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring
- You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
- You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they
  didn't get enough sleep
- You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
- You window shop at Radio Shack
- You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at
  the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
- You know what the geosynchronous satellite function is
- Your checkbook always balances
- Your laptop computer costs more than your car
- Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
- Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium
- You've already calculated how much you make per second
- You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 12:07:16 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Summer Vacation (Pun, Adult Content)
 
One of my students pulled this one on me years ago. It was so good
that I couldn't discipline him.
 
Sometimes the students chose their own topics for writing.
Sometimes they had a list from which I wanted them to choose.
Whatever the case at the time, one student asked to write about
his summer vacation. I told him that would be fine.
 
He wrote a lovely paper about going to the coast and getting a
summer job on a fishing boat. He described how, without any skills,
he was still able to obtain work as a "bait boy" on the boat. It
was his job to make sure the bait was provided, cut up, if
necessary, and even put on the hooks if the customers wanted him
to do that. He did well, was given more responsibilities, and
advanced quickly in the job. By the summer, he had done so well
that he was made... "master baiter."
 
          -By Herhsy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 14:49:02 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Cat to English Dictionary (PG)
 
CAT PHRASE     -     MEANING
 
Miaow - Feed me.
 
meeow - Pet me.
 
mrooww - I love you.
 
miioo-oo-oo - I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside
              beneath the hedge.  Don't wait up.
 
mrow - I feel like making noise.
 
rrrow-mawww - Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.
 
rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling
               the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
 
miaowmiaow - Play with me.
 
miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in
             this room?
 
mioawmioaw - Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall
             see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy
             piece of furniture.
 
raowwwww - I think I shall now spend time licking the most private
           parts of my anatomy.
 
mrowwwww - (only heard in males)  I am now recalling, with sorrow,
           that some of my private parts did not return with me
           from that visit to the vet.
 
roww-maww-roww - I am so glad to see that you have returned home
                 with both arms full of groceries.  I will now rub
                 myself against your legs and attempt to trip you
                 as you walk towards the kitchen.
 
mmeww - I believe I have heard a burglar.  If you would like to go
        and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot
        in the bed warm.
 
gakk-ak-ak - My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball.
             Wherever could this have come from?  I shall leave it
             here upon the carpeting.
 
mow - Snuggling is a good idea.
 
moww - Shedding is pretty good, too.
 
mowww! - I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean
         laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
 
miaow! miaow! - I have discovered that, although one may be able to
                wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and
                into that little drawer filled with pots and pans,
                the reverse path is slightly more difficult to
                navigate.
 
mraakk! - Oh, small bird!  Please come over here.
 
ssssroww! - I believe that I have found a woodchuck.  I shall now
            act terribly brave.
 
mmmmmmm - If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think
          I shall be satisfied
 
 
          --from http://www.egroups.com/list/heehee/
            thanks to JKmistress@aol.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 20:56:07 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Facile comments about contemporary life
 
Oh great. We get rid of Newt and now we have Drew Carey as speaker
of the House.
 
I used to call old people grandma. Now I call them sister.
 
I'm glad impeachment will tie Congress up. I just wish we could tie
up the state legislature.
 
In the 1960s, it was plastic; in the 1970s, it was polyester.
In the 1980s, it was silicone; in the 1990s, it's latex.
 
Just once I would like to go to a theater and not have someone kick
the back of my seat during the movie.
 
Don't knock fruitcake. It's the best rat poison I've ever used.
 
The main difference between pickup trucks and sport-utility
vehicles is that pickup owners admit theirs are trucks.
 
Washington, D.C., a ghost town. My, what a wonderful idea.
 
I have more equity in my trailer than you do in your house.
 
We may be onto something. B-A-R-R is not the only word in the
middle of embarrassment.
 
Radio traffic and weather every six minutes; commercials every six
seconds.
 
I never thought I would see the day when oranges cost more than
pork, and a gallon of gasoline is cheaper than a bottle of water.
 
I've reached the aged where I'd rather feel good than look good.
 
I don't try to remember my mistakes. That's what my wife's for.
 
I would like to thank the Postal Service for getting my junk mail
to me on time.
 
If children can read and write, they are old enough to send a
thank-you note to their grandparents for their Christmas gifts.
If I don't get a card they don't get a present next year.
 
I asked my wife if she wanted to go an another honeymoon. She said,
"Yes, but not with you."
 
When I was married, I was not allowed to have friends. After I got
divorced, I had many friends, but they all left when I stopped
buying the beer.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 20:40:43 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: It's A  Peach------ment (adult)
 
Starr: "Monica says you have a small penis"
 
Clinton: "Monica has a big mouth"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Jan 1999 to 19 Jan 1999
************************************************
 
