HUMOR Digest - 17 Jan 1999 to 18 Jan 1999
There are 8 messages totalling 250 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Women: The Mystique
  2. Y2K again
  3. The Museum and the Alamo (Puns)
  4. Logical
  5. Kid in bar
  6. Progress on Y0K problem
  7. Outlandish comments & questions about contemporary life
  8. Planning At The Workplace <clean>
 
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Date:    Sun, 17 Jan 1999 03:14:00 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Women: The Mystique
 
* Most women are always ready to listen to both sides of any
  marital dispute -- as long as it's someone else's.
                        - - - - -
 
* Probably the best ten years of any woman's life comes between
  the ages of twenty-eight and thirty.
                        - - - - -
 
* Tell ya what -- any man who sez he can "see right through
  women" is missing an awful lot !
                        - - - - -
 
* One thing I do know about women -- their "final decision"
  is not necessarily the one they make later.
                        - - - - -
 
* Some women, like Mrs JimJr, are compulsive shoppers.  This
  week while we were snowed/iced in at home, she actually
  started to make me offers on my Christmas presents.
                        - - - - -
 
* Speaking of shopping (I was) a lot of the women I know are
  really quite magnetic.  Seems like just about everything
  they "pick-up", they charge.
                        - - - - -
 
* Women have conditioned reflexes that men don't. For example
  the first thing a woman usually grabs when the phone rings
  is a chair.
                        - - - - -
 
* According to one woman friend of mine, to be a woman is
  something so frustrating, so strange, so confusing, so
  complicated and so full of conflicting emotions, only a
  woman could do it.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date:    Sun, 17 Jan 1999 09:32:36 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Y2K again
 
This just in: Microsoft has delayed the release of Windows 2000.
It will be released in 1901.
 
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Date:    Sun, 17 Jan 1999 13:26:18 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Museum and the Alamo (Puns)
 
A show business museum in Hollywood is presenting an exhibit on the
career of the late and great actor John Wayne. One of the featured
items is a pair of brownish colored gravestones bearing his name,
date of birth, and the titles of his most memorable movies. The
museum has decided to call the exhibit... "The Amber Graves of
Wayne."        --(By Steve Page)
               - - - - - - - - - - - 
 
Texas makes me think of the old slogan "Remember the Alamo." It
seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing
put his wife, of all people, on the battle line. She was shot by
the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the
front line. After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband,
and... sued for Alamo knee.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 17 Jan 1999 16:42:15 EST
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Logical
 
Something for Computer Programmers and Mathematicians
 
After Bertrand Russell's first child was born, he was asked by a
friend if it was a boy or a girl.
 
He replied, "Yes"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 17 Jan 1999 16:43:02 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Kid in bar
 
A ten-year-old boy walked into a tavern and said to the barmaid,
"Give me a Scotch on the rocks."
 
"You're just a kid," said the barmaid. "Do you want to get me in
 trouble?"
 
"Maybe in a couple of years," replied the boy. "But in the mean-
time, I'd still like that Scotch."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 10:36:52 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: Progress on Y0K problem
 
Dear Cassius,
 
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem?  This change from BC
to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time
left.  I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way
around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have
to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have
thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at
this last minute.
 
I spoke to Caesar the other evening.  He was livid that Julius
hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the
calendar.  He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.  We called
in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing
downwards using minus BC won't work.  As usual, the consultants
charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. As for myself, I just
can't see the sand in an hour glass flowing upwards.  We have heard
that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on
the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all
over.  Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of
transition. Anyway we are still continuing to work on this blasted
Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything
further develops.
 
Vale. Plutonius
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
Perhaps we should simply start counting the years backwards from
the end of this year instead! Seems a much cheaper and less
disastrous solution to me - besides I won't be around in 2000 years
for the new Y0K problem.
 
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Date:    Sun, 17 Jan 1999 23:12:06 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Outlandish comments & questions about contemporary life
 
When a telemarketer calls me, I just hang up. I assume they know
I'm not interested.
 
I used to hang on telemarketers, too, until my mother, who had a
job for 30 years, lot it and became a telemarketer.
 
When the Coast Guard rescues three multimillionaires whose balloon
crashes into the Pacific, do they send them a bill?
 
Clinton seeks DUI crackdown. That's easy for a man who doesn't own
a car.
 
If a photographer can get a shot of Saddam Hussein, why can't our
military?
 
My doctor doesn't do unnecessary surgery. He only operates when he
needs the money.
 
My family was all in the holiday spirit and offered to pay the toll
for the next car, but the Scrooge-like toll booth worker said, "Bah
humbug, not again!"
 
America's weapon of mass destruction: Larry Flynt.
 
Aquadextrous (ak wa deks' trust) adj. The ability to turn the
bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
 
Is it proper for my female doctor to ask me at a crowded New Year's
Eve party how my Viagra is working?
 
If a group of politicians puts a textbook together, the intro-
duction would be 200 pages and the rest of the book 10 pages.
 
To the person who said life is tougher when you're stupid: Don't be
so hard on yourself.
 
Area hospitals should prepare for an increase in emergency cases of
massive chest trauma because after Clinton slips the conviction
noose many conservatives will be eating their hearts out.
 
For those who fight for it, freedom has a flavor the protected will
never know.
 
The perfect post-presidency career for Bill Clinton would be the
center position on Hollywood Squares.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
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Date:    Mon, 18 Jan 1999 09:43:49 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Planning At The Workplace <clean>
 
ALWAYS give 100% at work:
 
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
 5% Friday
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Jan 1999 to 18 Jan 1999
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