HUMOR Digest - 16 Jan 1999 to 17 Jan 1999
There are 8 messages totalling 393 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Politics and Politicans
  2. Smiles (mature)
  3. Calling in sick
  4. Silly joke
  5. Symbolic meaning  <adult theme>
  6. The Middle Finger (adult)
  7. A priest and a rabbi
  8. Chocolate test
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 16 Jan 1999 02:49:18 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Politics and Politicans
 
* Remember the good old days when we could all say "Bill and
  Hillary who ???"
                        - - - - -
 
* There is a basis in fact for the expression "Politics makes
  strange bedfellows" -- they all like the same kinda bunk.
                        - - - - -
 
* One of the biggest mistakes Clinton has made in his role as
  President is that he's forgotten that he was appointed to
  office -- not anointed.
                        - - - - -
 
* The Maryland Legislature is in session.  One of the laws they
  want to revoke this year is the one closing bars on election
  days.  Last time over fifty of them got locked in.
                        - - - - -
 
* Clinton has really refined the art of politics.  If it's good
  for the country, he claims all credit;  otherwise, he concedes
  nothing, denies everything and alleges vast conspiracies.
                        - - - - -
 
* The Democratic Party has raised the campaign contributions to
  a new level in recent years.  The donors make very generous
  contributions and say "thanks"; then Clinton and/or Gore reply
  "Don't mention it !"
                        - - - - -
 
* I have to confess that Clinton's trial is the first time I've
  ever watched the US Senate, if you'll pardon the expression --
  "in action".  I had always heard they were one of the best
  deliberating bodies in the world.  I rather think the word
  should be "debilitating" instead.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Message Board:
     www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 16 Jan 1999 07:58:46 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Smiles (mature)
 
   Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the
other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month,
I'm going to lose my f***ing ass." Then he noticed a beautiful
blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his
bad language.
   "That's okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this month,
I'm going to lose my f***ing car."
               =========================
 
   This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she
yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a
damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
   "What?" the operator exclaimed.
   "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with
himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please
send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
   "Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
   "Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be
screwing somebody!"
               =========================
 
   "That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the
landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the
housewife told a neighbor. "You didn't do it, did you?"
  "I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I
might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the
rent is paid up for six months!"
               =========================
 
 The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time
she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said,
"Just how much is that watch?"
   "It's $2000, ma'am."
   "Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?"
   "Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?"
   "I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."
               =========================
 
   A guy walks into a bar in West Virgina and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from
around here... where you from, boy?"
   The guy says, "I'm from Maryland." The bartender asks, "What do
you do up in Maryland?"
   The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
   The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the hell is a
taxidermist?"
   The guy says "I mount dead animals."
   The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys,
he's one of us!"
               =========================
 
   A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them
died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two
days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided
to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed. After
telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them
mounted?"
   Blushing, she said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."
               =========================
 
   A six-year-old boy walked into a saloon and said to the barmaid,
"Give me a Scotch on the rocks."
   "You're just a kid," said the barmaid. "Do you want to get me in
trouble?"
   "Maybe in a couple of years," replied the boy. "But in the
meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."
               =========================
 
   A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he
was afraid that his teenaged son had come down with V.D. "He says
he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her."
   "Don't worry so much," advised the doctor. "These things
happen."
   "I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that
I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same
symptoms."
   "That's unfortunate."
   "Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."
   "Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 16 Jan 1999 08:18:25 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <e_witt@SHAW.WAVE.CA>
Subject: Calling in sick
 
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.  No matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the
truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained
a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next
day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my
crown.
 
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes
to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no
problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast
when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!
the garbage disposal is dead.  Come reset it."
 
"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower.
"Reset it yourself!"
 
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second." So out I came,
dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how
her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down
and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing.
 
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth.  It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling
objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the
corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At
precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys
I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needlelike claws.
 
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their
masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly
bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to
contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.
Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin
supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in
a step-by-step manner.
 
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing
straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is
alarmed.  It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great
heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet
bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
 
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.  Having
been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried
to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
 
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I
kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter,
cat got your tongue?"
  
If they had only known.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 16 Jan 1999 15:14:56 +0000
From:    Nik Makepeace <psuol@CSV.WARWICK.AC.UK>
Subject: Silly joke
 
Q. What's large, grey and doesn't apply?
 
A.  An irrelephant.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 16 Jan 1999 21:42:25 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Symbolic meaning  <adult theme>
 
For weeks the scientists had struggled to get the meaning of some
picture-writing they had found.  The pictures were of a cross, a
fish, a gemstone, a rabbit, and a cat. One night they worked very
late, and Leroy came to sweep up. He glanced over their shoulders
and exclaimed, "Lordy, mercy! Look at that!"
 
Surprised, the scientists said, "Leroy, don't tell us you can read
that!"
 
Leroy said, "Sho nuff, I can!"
 
One scientist said, "Then what does it say?"
 
Leroy replied, "It say, 'Holy mackeral, Sapphire! Look at the hair
on that pussy!'"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 16 Jan 1999 21:01:31 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The Middle Finger (adult)
 
A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields
with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says "Papa, you
do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
 
"Well, Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger?  You use this
a one to pointata what evea you wanta.  You see youa thumb?  You
usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you
will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use
to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you
about thata one when you getta married."
 
Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past.  It was now
Tony's wedding day.  It was a beautiful wedding, just before the
bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.
 
Tony said "Papa, many a year use this finger to point at what I
want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose
with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from
the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle
finger?"
 
Papa drew close to Tony and said "Tony tonight you will make mad
hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired.  When
that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the
love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga-and you poka
onher head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!'
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 16 Jan 1999 20:19:48 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: A priest and a rabbi
 
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the
street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they
decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it
home and parked it in the street between their establishments.
 
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest
sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran
out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the
priest replied.
 
The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He
reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and
cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 16 Jan 1999 23:07:53 EST
From:    Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Chocolate test
 
If you were buying candy and you had your choice of the following
which would you choose?
 
     Baby Ruth
     3 Musketeers
     Butter Fingers
     Snickers
     Hershey's
     Almond Joy with Almonds
     Clark Bar
     Good'n'Plenty
     Energy Bar
     Chocolate Coated Raisins
 
  OK - Now that we have your choice, this is what research says
  about you!!!  And NO... you can't change your mind once you
  scroll down!!!!  So think carefully, what your choice will be!!!
                      - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
 
Baby Ruth - Sweet, loving, cuddly.  You love all warm fuzzy items.
A little nutty.  Sometimes you need a little eat like an ice cream
cone at the end of the day.
 
3 Musketeers - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion
of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you
whip out your saber.
 
Butter Fingers - Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-
dinner speaker and a good teacher.  But don't try to walk and chew
gum at the same time.
 
Snickers - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous.  Everyone enjoys being
around you.  But you are a practical joker -- others should be
cautious in shaking hands!
 
Hershey's - Romantic, warm, loving.  You care about other people
and can be counted on in a pinch.  You tend to melt and get gushy
if held too close.
 
Almond Joy with Almonds - Sexy, always ready to give and receive,
very energetic, and really like to get into life.  The opposite sex
is always attracted to you.
 
Clark Bar - You like sports, whether baseball, football, basket-
ball, or soccer.  If you could, you would like to participate,
but enjoy watching sports.  You don't like to give up the remote
control.
 
Good'n'Plenty - You are a very fun loving person, who likes to
laugh. You are fun to be with.  People like to go to the movies
with you.  Children find you amusing.  You are a very warm hearted
person.
 
Energy Bar - You are very active.  You are so active, life is
passing you by.  Get a life!!!!  Go eat a plum.
 
Chocolate Coated Raisins - You go to the bathroom often.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Jan 1999 to 17 Jan 1999
************************************************
 
