HUMOR Digest - 15 Jan 1999 to 16 Jan 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 374 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Outlook <some adult humor>
  2. Q&A <Clean & Moronic>
  3. FW: funny things
  4. Vacation Pay
  5. Tell Me When It Hurts
  6. The Traveling Salesman
  7. criminal immigrants
  8. What Is???  OFF. to elderly
  9. An Euphemism & some riddles and puns
 10. Priest & Rabbi buy a Car
 
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Date:    Fri, 15 Jan 1999 04:29:41 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Outlook <some adult humor>
 
* Did y'all ever hear a pessimist count his/her blessings...
  "Five... Four... Three... Two..."
                        - - - - -
 
* Personally, I think one of the saddest facts of life is that
  pessimists have much more experience than optimists.
                        - - - - -
 
* Any of you who think nothing is impossible, try setting your
  e-mail program's filter so you don't receive any Spam mail.
                        - - - - -
 
* Blessed are the poor.  The more things you have, the more you
  have to wash/dust/vacuum/polish/maintain/repair/insure/guard.
                        - - - - -
 
* Pity the poor Yuppies.  Most whom I've encountered have a very
  low level of pain tolerance.  I understand all of the barber
  shops in Columbia Maryland offer Novocain for their customers.
                        - - - - -
 
* There's a benefit to the parking problem in Baltimore Maryland.
  Older people who are forced to squeeze their full-sized cars
  into tiny parking spaces are sexually satisfied for a week.
                        - - - - -
 
*   There were two different kinds of people who stayed-up this
  past New Year's Eve to see the New Year in.
    Those with hope in their hearts welcomed the New Year; the
  grumps stayed-up to make sure the old one really left.
                        - - - - -
 
*   I'm sure y'all have heard the old truism that "A pessimist
  thinks the glass half-empty, while the optimist considers it
  to be half-full".
    I'd like to add a footnote: "A realist knows he'll have to
  wash the damn glass soon."
 
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Date:    Fri, 15 Jan 1999 13:15:39 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Q&A <Clean & Moronic>
 
Q. What goes "zzub zzub" and flies up in the air?
 
      Hit  "Page Down" 17 times. (Just kidding)
 
A.  A bumble bee in reverse gear.
 
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Date:    Fri, 15 Jan 1999 09:06:10 -0500
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: FW: funny things
 
As a retired old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
 
"Heck," said Herman, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of 'em!"
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the
artist, Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.  Among them were:
 
His obnoxious brother...........................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt .................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes......................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store...Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white......Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois........................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle..............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin..............................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother......Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach..............Wellsfar Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt.......................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle............................Flamin  Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst........................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.................. ......Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking............Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew........................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco........................Go Gogh
His niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh
 
          from Andy Grossman
 
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Date:    Fri, 15 Jan 1999 09:40:08 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Vacation Pay
 
January 1, 2000
 
Dear Valued Employee:
       Re:  Vacation Pay
 
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over
the past 100 year(s).  As I'm sure you are aware, employees are
granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please
either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next
pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include
all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
 
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
 
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Date:    Fri, 15 Jan 1999 10:55:21 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Tell Me When It Hurts
 
A visit to a physiotherapist can result in more discomfort than you
started out with, at least temporarily.  However, a Cairns bloke
reckons he's found the key to the problem.
 
He was told to lie on the couch while the physio manipulated his
limbs.  The physio urged him to sing out if he felt any pain during
the procedure and he would stop.
 
He (the physio) told him (the patient) to turn on his side, then
grabbed him firmly by the arm and started to apply pressure.
 
"Aaargh!" shrieked the bloke almost immediately.
 
"Is it hurting already?" asked the startled and somewhat concerned
physio.
 
"Yes," gasped the grimacing patient.  "I'm lying on my car keys!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Fri, 15 Jan 1999 10:48:27 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Traveling Salesman
 
A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little
Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.  The
salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
 
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the Hell
do you think?"
 
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Date:    Fri, 15 Jan 1999 10:34:13 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: criminal immigrants
 
A Virginia highway patrolman recently stopped a woman for exceeding
the posted speed limit.  He asked the driver her name.  She said,
"I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the
Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my granddaughter in Monongahela,
Pennsylvania."
 
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well, OK.
But don't let me catch you speeding again."
 
from: JKmistress@aol.com and Jason
      [I slightly altered the original]
 
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Date:    Fri, 15 Jan 1999 16:35:43 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: What Is???  OFF. to elderly
 
Q:  What is 6 feet long and smells like urine?
 
A:  A line dance at a nursing home
 
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Date:    Fri, 15 Jan 1999 18:18:32 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: An Euphemism & some riddles and puns
 
Euphemism of the Day: From the International Olympic Committee:
 
        Previously unannounced business arrangement
        Translation: A bribe.
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
PUNY Riddles
 
91. Suppose you perches a cage for your bird but discover a
    cockatoo missing and a few other mynah things wrong with it.
    Unfortunately you can't take it back because you've lost the
    bill. Do you know what toucan do about it?
 
92, What is the technical name for those nomadic, stone-age
    pre-humans that never settled down in one place?
 
93. What do you call a cook who's sure her spaghetti dinner is
    going to turn out lousy?
 
94. We know that Herbie the Love Bug was from Germany, but what
    insect comes from Italy?
 
95. What country ought to be the richest in the world? And why.
 
 
                    - - - - - - - - - -
                         Answers
 
 
91. Reparrot yourself (By Gary Hallock)
 
92. Meanderthals. (By Alan Combs)
 
93. A pasta-mist (or pesto-mist) (by CynthiaMacGregor)
 
94. Rome ants (Romance) (By SRpunster)
 
95. Ireland, because their capital is always Dublin.
    (By Stan Kegel)
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
A mother pig was walking through the barnyard one day with one of
her piglets. Suddenly, a raccoon raced out from behind the barn and
scared the living daylights out of the mother pig... The little hog
laughed to see such a plight and the sow jumped over the coon.
          --By John Fleming
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
A while ago my wife had became so sick that I took her to see our
doctor. After she explained what was wrong the doctor asked if she
was pregnant, to which my innocent wife replied... "There's no
conceivable way!"
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
I was worried about my receding hairline so I made a deal with
the devil. He promised that if I ever go bald, he'll make it grow
back. So now I have adopted . . . a devil make hair attitude, even
though I know that... someday there'll be Hell toupee.
          --By Gary Hallock in The Pundit
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
   A man was hailed into court for dumping trash in a forbidden
area. The judge asked, "Didn't you see the sign posted there?"
   "Yes sir, I sure did," replied the man. "It says real plain in
big letters... 'FINE FOR DUMPING'!'"
          --By W. R. Bozman in The Pundit
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
Many people assume that Earl Gray tea got its name by being the
favorite of that English earl. However, it seems that there is a
small town in Wales named Earl Gray where the town's citizens are
getting concerned about the ability of their mayor to continue in
office. The incumbent was initially elected in 1972 and she has run
unopposed in every election since. Unfortunately, her age now
hinders her from getting about. What the citizens are saying is
that...  the Earl Gray mayor, she ain't what she used to be!
 
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Date:    Sat, 16 Jan 1999 00:50:42 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Priest & Rabbi buy a Car
 
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the
street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they
decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it
home and parked it in the street between their establishments.
 
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest
sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he
ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it,"
the priest replied.
 
The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He
reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and
cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Jan 1999 to 16 Jan 1999
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