HUMOR Digest - 14 Jan 1999 to 15 Jan 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 758 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Twisted Logic
  2. Little Known Facts
  3. PUNY Riddles & Short Tails (Puns)
  4. best yes/no question?
  5. A Dictionary For Women
  6. Winter Storms, Blackouts and Birth Rates
  7. BANANA bREAD RECIPE (adult)
  8. Ozark Family <adult theme>
  9. World records - the male half
 10. Married Life...from a kid's perspective
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 14 Jan 1999 03:48:10 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Twisted Logic
 
* Talk about terrible dilemmas.  Pity the poor Jewish Mother
  whose son was gay and dating a doctor.
                           - - - - -
 
* I knew a fellow at work who was the most jealous man I've ever
  seen.  His wife gave birth to twins, and he swore that only one
  of them looked like him.
                           - - - - -
 
* Did you hear about the General who retired and got a job with
  the Panasonic printer company.  He quit rather quickly when he
  discovered they had more ribbons than he did.
                           - - - - -
 
*   The Maryland State Highway often conducts interviews for a
  promotion using a panel. Once during such an interview one of
  the panelists said to me, "Mr Moore, I see you're 35.  If you
  are given this promotion to Assistant District Engineer, what
  would you expect to be in five years."
    "Forty." I replied.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Speaking of State Highway (I was), a co-worker, Jim Keseling,
  was a big bug on physical fitness.  He was always on my case
  about my smoking.  In the middle of one of his "lectures" I
  asked him if he smoked and he replied, "Certainly not."
    I paused and looked at his pot belly, the wrinkles on his
  face, and then his bald head and said, "I think I'll keep on
  smoking for the time being."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A social worker was interviewing prisoners to gauge the effect
  of violence seen on TV carrying over to real life.  One prisoner
  explained that he was only allowed to watch TV during the day,
  then locked in his cell at nite because of his misconduct.
    "Well..." said the social worker, "while you are missing the
  best shows, at least it's nice that you can see daytime TV."
    "Nice ?!?!?" the prisoner exclaimed.  "Lady, that's part of
  the damn punishment.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 14 Jan 1999 08:13:07 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Little Known Facts
 
Little known facts about snow in Jewish tradition and lore:
 
* Many traditional Jewish congregations refuse to count
    snowmen in the prayer quorum.
* Medieval Jewish mystics practiced rolling in the snow to purge
   themselves from evil urges. They were the first snow angels.
* Moses Maimonides, 10th century physician to the Egyptian Khalif,
    prescribed snow as a cure for the hot Cairo summers.
* The elders of Safed have 36 different words for snow --
    but none for snow removal.
* During 3 particularly cold Sinai winters, the Israelites
    were led by a pillar of snow.
* It is forbidden to write in the snow on the Sabbath.
* Following the great Jerusalem blizzard of 1900, Zionist
    visionary Theodor Herzl proposed the "Uganda option."
* According to some rabbinic authorities, one must wait six
    hours between going out in the snow and in the rain.
* On snowy days, the procession of King Solomon's immediate
    family was pulled by 2,800 reindeer and 1,200 huskies.
* Israel's national hockey team participated in the 1992 Winter
    Games, dominating both the Olympic village & concession area.
* On January 9, 1896, a snowball from St. Patrick's elementary
    school landed in Mrs. Manischewitz's kitchen, inspiring her
    to invent matzo ball soup.
* Of the entire Hebrew scriptures, the Book of Job contains the
    most references to snow. Hence the expression, "Snow Job."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 14 Jan 1999 09:34:06 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles & Short Tails (Puns)
 
 96. The guy whose job it is to spray water over the veggies at the
     grocery store develops an "attitude." Why should he be charged
     as a petty criminal?
 
 97. A writer scorned computers and used an old-fashioned machine
     on which to compose her less-than-literary compositions, which
     pandered to low taste but sold very well. What did she name
     the machine she wrote on?
 
 98. What jazz singer did God use to create the world?
 
 99. What do you call a reptile hired to look into mutual fund and
     stock market fraud.
 
100. What large extinct creature was probably named after the
     infected wounds of Victorian era female sibling authors?
                         - - - - - - - - - -
                             Answers
 
 
 96. Because of his mist demeanor - (Or  "Because he was misty
     meaner." or "He was Mr. meaner.) (By Gary Hallock)
 
 97. A tripewriter (or A tritewriter) (By SRpunster)
 
 98. Eartha Kitt (By Gary Hallock)
 
 99. An invest-a-gator (By Stan Kegel)
 
100. Bronte sores (By Gary Hallock)
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
The X-Ray Tech
As the X-Ray tech walked down the aisle to say the marriage vows
with a former patient, a co-worker Nurse whispered to a doctor
seated next to her...  "Wonder what she saw in him?"
(By Jo Ann Klein, R.N.)
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
Goat Food
   Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating old movie film.
One goat says to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"
   The second goat says, "Yeah... but it's not as good as the
book."
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
Bert Reynolds
A bankruptcy judge in Florida has approved a plan that will allow
the financially strapped Burt Reynolds to keep his property. "Under
the terms of the plan...  they won't pull his rug out from on top
of him."      (By Jim Rosenberg)
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
The Theft
A couple of years ago, six toilets were stolen from the Richmond
Police Department. Police were mystified and said...  they had
nothing to go on.
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
The Beach
   I was walking along a beach in Greece with a young woman when we
came upon a the body of a sting ray washed up on shore. "Oooh" she
exclaimed, "Is it dead?"
   "Yes," I assured her...  "It's an ex-ray!"
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
The Cowboy
   So this cowboy sees a rattler, and he pulls out his gun, but in
doing so he accidentally shoots himself. As he lies dying, he cries
"You bad, bad gun."
   And the gun responds "I'm not bad... I'm just drawn that way."
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
Poker
The lion was complaining to the tiger about his continued losses at
poker. Of course,  replied the tiger...  You were playing with a
cheetah.
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
 On the Elevator
   I was in the elevator one day with another fellow, who was
carrying a power strip. "How are you today?" I asked.
   He was upset, it turned out, over small troubles concerning his
teenager.
   "Well," I told him...  "at least you have an outlet."
(By Larry Jones)
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
Bad Hair Day
   The man hair had been a super dark jet black, and now it was
beginning to turn grey on him. He was lamenting this horrible fate.
   He told his wife: "The old grey hairs just ain't what they used
to be."
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
King's Order
Once upon a time Old King Cole issued an order to his cooks. "From
now on," he decreed, "chopped cabbage must be mixed with
mayonnaise."   To this day his decree is known as... Cole's Law.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 14 Jan 1999 18:10:25 0
From:    Alan Campbell <jokesIn@ALANCAMPBELL.FREESERVE.CO.UK>
Subject: best yes/no question?
 
An ancient database programme, Primeway, throws up the following
yes/no dialog:
 
"Do you wish to backup your database,
 or have you already done so?"
 
          --Reported in "Computing" 3 December 98
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 14 Jan 1999 13:42:05 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A Dictionary For Women
 
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
   A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't
realized it yet.
 
Airhead (er*hed) n.
  What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a
policeman.
 
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
   You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the
tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned
everything up, but he, "made the dinner."
 
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
   Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
 
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
   Gotta get married in a church.
 
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
   An appliance designed to eat socks.
 
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
   A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound
bag of peanut M&Ms.
 
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
   The last two minutes of a football game.
 
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
   To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a
purchase.
 
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
   What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with
you to the store.
 
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
   Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to
duplicate again. See "Magician."
 
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
   Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming
out anytime soon.
 
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
   You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold
your hand and say "focus... breath... push..."
 
Lipstick (lip*stik) n
   On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth.  On
his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
 
Park (park) v./n.
   Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
 
Patience (pa*shens) n.
   The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also "tranquilizers."
 
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
   Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if
you try to remove it.
 
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
   A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds,
and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 14 Jan 1999 14:09:11 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Winter Storms, Blackouts and Birth Rates
 
January 8, 1998 a massive ice storm hit the northeastern parts of
New York and New England.  It caused a great deal of disruption,
some death and much destruction.  One of its after effects struck
the media as late as December of 1998.
 
I had NPR on that morning.  In one of the local news segments the
announcer said that there had been no baby boom nine months after
the storm. This was unlike other such storms and power blackouts
because they had been followed by little baby booms nine months
after they happened. I nearly dropped my electric razor in the
toilet. "Oh boy," I thought, "Here we go again!"
 
November 9, 1965 was the date of the great New York City blackout.
Where I lived, in Upstate New York, our lights only flickered a
bit, but lots of folks were in the dark in NYC.  It was a big deal!
They even made a movie out of it: "Where Were You When the Lights
Went Out?"
 
The next summer I was working at a small TV station when the wire
(AP or UPI) report came in.  It said that there had been a baby
boom in NYC exactly 9 months after the great blackout. Later, more
prudent reporting showed that the "boom" had only been recorded at
one hospital and was statistically insignificant for the overall
birthrate in the city. The later reports were largely ignored and
the legend persists.  As Jan Brunvand's motto puts it:  Why let the
truth interfere with a good story?
 
I mean, it seems logical.  Take a bunch of people, put them in the
dark, or in the midst of a great ice storm, and naturally they're
going to find carnal modes of amusement.  It didn't happen after
the NYC blackout.  It didn't happen after last year's ice storm,
but it could happen.  Urban Legend aficionado that I am, I've been
wondering just how far back this story goes and if there have ever
been any true instances of it. Well, I've recently found such
instances in the mid-17th century.  My source is Stephen Nissenbaum
and his book "The Battle for Christmas" (New York: Vintage, 1996).
 
Remember when you were back in elementary school and you found out
that the Puritans of old Plymouth Colony (now Mass. USA) BANNED
the celebration of Christmas?  Yeah, I could never figure it out
either!  I mean, what's the problem with stockings hung on the
fireplace, a nice aluminum tree and the whole family sitting down
to watch Charley Brown trying to direct the Christmas pageant?
Well, according to Nissenbaum, that's not it!
 
Nope, it seems that --in colonial New England, England and much of
northern Europe-- the Christmas holiday was celebrated outdoors,
with drunken reveling and wassailing (a sinister form of adult
trick-or-treating in which wealthy Squires might get their homes
peppered with rocks unless they provided the celebrants with
alcoholic punch when they came a calling). It was also a time for,
weather permitting, outdoor displays of  begetting or, Weather
not-permitting, indoor canoodling.
 
Nissenbaum sites an almanac from 1749 which says: "This cold
uncomfortable Weather, makes Jack and Jill lie close together."
He further notes "historical demographics" which show that birth
rates peaked during September and October at the time.
Interestingly, December still seems to be the peak month for
conceptions.
 
And so, there is at least a kernel of truth to the idea that bad
weather, at least when coupled with supportive mores, can lead to
multiple instances of coupling and an increase in birth rates,
9 months later.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 14 Jan 1999 14:08:31 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: BANANA BREAD RECIPE (adult)
 
Ingredients:
.  2 x Laughing Eyes
.  2 x Loving Arms
.  2 x Well Shaped Legs
.  2 x Firm Milk Containers
.  1 x Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
.  1 x Large Banana
 
Directions:
.  Look into the 2 x laughing eyes.
.  Spread the 2 x well shaped legs.
.  Squeeze and massage 2 x firm milk containers very gently,
   until 1 x fur lined mixing bowl is well greased. Check
   frequently with your middle finger only, if you want the
   result faster.
.  Add firm 1 x large banana into the 1 x fur lined bowl,
   after the bowl is well greased. Work gently in and out
   until the 1 x large banana is well creamed.
.  As heat starts to rise, plunge the firm 1x large banana
   deeper into the 1 x fur lined mixing bowl, this time
   working the and out process faster.
.  Once the firm 1 x large banana is ready, it will squirt out
   banana juice. Use this juice to cover the nuts, for extra taste.
.  Sigh with relief, leave to soak for 10 minutes.
.  Bread is well done when banana is soft.
 
Note: Be sure to wash the 1 x fur line mixing bowl and other
      mixing utensil.  DO NOT LICK BOWL.
 
P.S: If bread starts to rise again, pack your bags and leave town.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 14 Jan 1999 16:19:21 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Ozark Family <adult theme>
 
   There's this little Ozark family, Maw, Paw, Junior, and Sally.
One day Junior asks, "Paw, whut's sex?"
   Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, "Well, Junior, I
reckon yore 'bout ol'nuff to find out.  Maw, take off all yer
clothes, jump up on the bed, and spread'n'em legs."
   After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior
and says, "You see that there hole on Maw?   Well, jist watch ol'
Paw."
   Paw jumps on top of Maw and starts doing her every which way.
About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers,
"Jun... Junior, wh-whut's that?"
   Junior, being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and
grins, "That's whatcha call 'sex'.  You see that there hole on Paw?
Jist watch ol' Junior..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 15 Jan 1999 08:25:28 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: World records - the male half
 
Expletives:
On 9th june 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a
stonemasons mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in
Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14 mins 7 secs
without stopping once or repeating a swear word. He later attempted
to better this feat on BBC TV's Record Breakers programme by
dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he
repeated the word "Bastard" after 12 mins 58 secs
 
Beer Drinking:
The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was
25.5 litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George
Wingfield downed in various pubs in Knutsford high street, Cheshire
between 12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986.
 
Urinating:
The longest piss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36
mins 24 secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a
newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986. Mr
Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17
mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a
further 19 mins 24 sec before taking him back to the station for a
kicking.
 
Hottest Curry Eaten:
Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in
the main they are difficult to substantiate.  The hottest
verifiable curry eaten was a XXXHot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra
chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger
Restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986.  The curry was
reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into
flames, singeing the waiters eyebrows.
 
Biggest Fart:
The largest and most catastrophic fart was one dropped by Mr.
George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck,
Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986.  Suffering
from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one
out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting
flatulent explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his
arse.  Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours
before paramedics with breathing apparatus could begin the process
of pushing them back up.
 
Holiday Gymnastics:
The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a
beach is 6 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio,
Ibiza on 19th August 1988.  The girls went off with a waiter.
 
Loudest Car Stereo:
The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne
Fletcher (GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312dB whilst
waiting at some traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport,
Cheshire on 8th July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8
Concordes taking off inside the car. The girls walked off.
 
Car Customisation:
Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the
accessories fitted to the Mark II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB)
add up to the world's most expensive car customisation project at
105761%. Between 8th March 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher
has spent a grand total of $63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of
Halfords in attempt to attract girls to his vehicle. His fruitless
purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit ($3500),
'Nightrider' style Disco Stop Lights ($199), Split 45 Weber
Carburettors x4 ($200), Scorpion Talking Alarm, ($500) and a
Cromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension ($285).  The car is
currently valued at $50 to $60.
 
Longest Wheel Spin:
The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to
impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher
(GB) in his Mark II Escort.  When traffic lights in Stockport,
Cheshire turned green Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed
that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car
began to move.  Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped
out twenty yards down the road.  The girls walked off.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 14 Jan 1999 22:13:34 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Married Life...from a kid's perspective
 
                   HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
 
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.  Like if you
 like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
 should keep the chips and dip coming."  --Allan, age 10
 
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
 to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
 later who you're stuck with."   --Kirsten, age 10
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
                 WHAT IS THE BEST AGE TO GET MARRIED??
 
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
 by then!"  --Cam, age 10
 
"No age is good to get married at... You got to be a fool to get
 married!"   --Freddie, age 6
                         - - - - - - - - - -
  
        HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
 --Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling
 at the same kids."  --Derrick, age 8
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
         WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
 
"Both don't want no more kids."  --Lori, age 8
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
                   WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
 
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
 know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
 long enough."  --Lynnette, age 8
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
       WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR
 
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
 newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
 columns."  --Craig, age 9
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
                  WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
 
"When they're rich!"  --Pam, age 7
 
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
 with that."  --Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
 marry them and have kids with them... It's the right thing to do."
 --Howard, age 8
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
         THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
 
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing...
 I'm never going to have sex with my wife.  I don't want to be all
 grossed out!"  --Theodore, age 8
 
"Single is better... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to
 change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure
 something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for
 some coffee and diaper-changing."  --Kirsten, age 10
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
    WHAT PROMISES DO A MAN AND A WOMAN MAKE WHEN THEY GET MARRIED?
 
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and
 diseases together."  --Marlon, age 10
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
                     HOW TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK
 
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
 truck!"  --Ricky, age 7

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy
 clothes... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few
 diamonds on it."  --Lori, age 8
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
                   GETTING MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME
 
"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to
 find a live one."  --Angie L., age 10
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Jan 1999 to 15 Jan 1999
************************************************
 
