HUMOR Digest - 13 Jan 1999 to 14 Jan 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 524 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Tuff as Can Be
  2. Clinton vs Titanic videos
  3. Newfoundland Computer Talk
  4. Desert Storm <pun>
  5. PBen's Plight
  6. Y0K
  7. The Morning After <adult theme>
  8. Today's Saintly Commemoration and a Note on
     Celebrating the New Century in 2000
  9. Only in California
 10. World records (women) - offensive
 11. New Austerity Measures <clean>
 
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Date:    Wed, 13 Jan 1999 03:55:36 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Tuff as Can Be
 
* In Baltimore Maryland, people who say they're on their way to a
  "screening" aren't going to attend a movie premiere -- they're
  en route to the Police station to take part in a Police line-up.
                           - - - - -
 
*   About to complete his 100th jump, the ski-diver was telling his
  friend of the event.  "I'd be honored" said the friend, "if you'd
  wait until tomorrow and complete your 100th with our club.  They
  all have to repack their chutes after today's jump."
    "Chutes ???" asked the ski-diving ex-Naval Aviator. "Y'all use
  parachutes ???"
                           - - - - -
 
*   The West Virginia State Trooper was responding to a bar fight.
  His back-up was a female rookie.  After they had stopped the
  fracas and placed three knife wielding punks under arrest, the
  veteran policeman noticed the woman trooper silently crying, her
  back to the scene.
    He walked over, put his hand on his shoulder, and said, "You
  did just fine.  I'm sorry this had to upset you."
   "Upset is right !" she said, "I broke two nails."
                           - - - - -
 
*   My friend George, an ex-Marine Aviator, wanted to show-off his
  new twin engine plane.  I was riding along as he put it through
  its paces.  Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm,
  with lightning crashing all around us, we lost the radio and
  most of the instruments.  As we were being tossed around in the
  sky, George said, "Damn !!!"
    Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now ?"
    George replied, "I got the hiccups.  Do something to scare me."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A woman decided to take her kids to the movie "Saving Private
  Ryan", which accurately depicted "D Day" -- the World War II
  landing of the Allies in France.  She asked her Father along,
  since he was actually there, and took part in the battle.
    After the movie, she noticed her Father pale & sweating. "Dad,
  I'm sorry.  I hadn't even thought about the movie bringing back
  that terrible day and scaring you."
    "I was never scared at all 'til I saw that God awful picture."
  he replied.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 13 Jan 1999 20:13:22 +0900
From:    Stephen McCabe <bigsteve@ALLES.OR.JP>
Subject: Clinton vs Titanic videos
 
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a
               subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
               a subsequent catastrophe.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly
               popular.
CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is
               at 70 percent.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 13 Jan 1999 07:13:36 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Newfoundland Computer Talk
 
 1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter
 2. Log off - Don't add no more wood
 3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove
 4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
 5. Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much
                  firewood
 6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood
 7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter
 8. Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter
 9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte - What the black flies do
12. Bit - What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do
14. Chip - Munchies for TV
15. Micro Chip -  What's left in the bag after you eat the chips
16. Modem - What you did to the hay fields
17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Lap top - Where the kitty sleeps
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at
               McDonalds
20. Hardware - The real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse - What eats the grain in the barn
22. Main frame - What holds the barn up
23. Enter - City talk for - "come on in, eh"
24. Web - What a spider makes
25. Web site - The barn or the attic
26. Cursor - Someone who swears
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver - A repair kit for the torn window screen
29. Home Page - A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you
                get lost in the field
30. Upgrade - Steep hill
31. Server - The person at the ABC what brings the food
32. Mail Server - The guy at the ABC what brings the food
33. MSDOS - Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that
                 plays music when you open it
35. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff
36. Browser - What they call you when you eye brows grow together
37. Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
39. Netscape - When a fish maneuvers out of reach
40. Online - When you get the laundry hung out on the washline
41. Off line - When the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls
               on the ground
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 13 Jan 1999 08:40:57 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Desert Storm <pun>
 
In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny,
had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people
believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus
the man with the biggest beard was their chief. After leading the
band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the
beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he
called his council together to get their advice. When he said he
wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked.
 
One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire. The leader
who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthen-
ware." Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he
scoffed at the tale. Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and
scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was
cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds,
and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only
moments before had stood their leader.
 
The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion?
"A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 13 Jan 1999 09:22:35 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: PBen's Plight
 
I spent some time working as an efficiency expert. My credentials,
you ask? I have always been extremely good at telling others how
they can do things better.
 
As always, I concluded my lectures with a note of caution:
"You do NOT want to try these techniques at home."
 
"Why not?" somebody asked from the audience.
 
"I watched MrsPBen's routine at breakfast for years," I explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table
and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I
told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at
once?'"
 
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
 
"Actually, yes," I replied. "It used to take her almost 20 minutes
 to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
               *****************************
 
HOUSEHOLD TIP:
A mouse trap placed on top of your wife's alarm clock
will prevent her from rolling over and going back to sleep.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 13 Jan 1999 11:51:03 MST
From:    Jim Winski! <jcw@UPI.UHCOLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Y0K
 
Dear Cassius,
 
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem?  This change from BC
to AD is giving us a lot of headaches & we haven't much time left.
I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way
around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have
to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have
thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at
this last minute.
 
I spoke to Caesar the other evening.  He was livid that Julius
hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the
calendar.  He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.  We called
in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing
downwards using minus BC won't work.  As usual, the consultants
charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. As for myself, I just
can't see the sand in an hour glass flowing upwards.  We have heard
that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on
the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all
over.  Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of
transition. Anyway we are still continuing to work on this blasted
Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything
further develops.
 
Vale. Plutonius
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 13 Jan 1999 14:26:44 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: The Morning After <adult theme>
 
A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't
remember anything he did last night. He picks up his dressing gown
from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one
of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody hell
what happened last night??".
 
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket
of his gown. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have i
done? must have been a wild party".
 
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror.
He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only
thought is "If there's a god, please let this be a teabag"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 13 Jan 1999 16:01:20 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Today's Saintly Commemoration and a Note on
         Celebrating the New Century in 2000
 
Jeffry Kacirk's "Forgotten English" calendar notes that today
(1/13) marks the beginning of  "Hilary-Term."  He writes that this
is "a one- month period named for St. Hilary, patron saint of
lawyers."
 
Now, having brought up matters calendrical (which I did), I was
recently reminded that there is still some controversy over when
we should be celebrating the beginning of the next millenium: Jan
1, 2000 or Jan 1, 2001.
 
This is an issue which has bothered calendricologists for some
time.  There are two schools of thought. The first school, let's
call them the Mathematical Calendricologists (or MCs) hold that
Jan 1, 2001 is the appropriate date.  The second school
(Historically Informed Calendricologists or HICs) recognize
Jan 1, 2000 as the date to celebrate.
 
The MCs argue as follows:  there was no Zero A.D. so 101 A.D. was
the beginning of the second century.  As evidence they point the
fact that we are near the end of the 20th century in 1999, were
near the end of the 19th century in 1899, were near the end of the
18th century in 1799, ETC.
 
HICs argue as follows:  Yes, there was no Zero A.D., but there was
(in a sense) no 1 A.D. either.  In fact there was no reconing of
time in terms of A.D. until about what we now would call A.D. 525
when Dionysus Exiguus proposed the A.D. schema to the Pope.  The
use of the A.D. demarcation gained some currency in learned circles
when the Venerable Bede used it in his Ecclesiastical History (A.D.
731), but it took another couple of hundred years for it to become
the industry standard. (Cf. Boorstin, Daniel J, "The Discoverers"
New York: Random House, 1983 Pp. 596 ff) Suffice it to say, the
A.D. schema was quite widespread in Europe by A.D. 1000 when the
faithful celebrated the beginning of the 2nd millenium.  Ergo, Jan
1, 2000 is the date to celebrate.
 
In my humble opinion, the HICs have it over the MCs because real
life is a tad more complicated than the integer number line.
Indeed, we might well speculate that MCs are from that class of
individuals who perpetrate the fallacy of misplaced mathematical
precision.  MCs, many of whom are engineers, crave mathematical
precision in the world.  When they find it lacking, especially as
they go about their engineering work, the try to impose it on the
rest of the world.  (Cf. Perrucci, R and Gerstl, Joel E.
"Profession without community; engineers in American society"
New York: Random House, 1969)
 
Fortunately, engineers seem to be content to absorb all the money
which society showers upon them and limit their social action to
complaining about the mathematical imprecision of the world.  They
are generally harmless, except for the stress they cause in folks
who try to explain why their misplaced mathematical precision is
wrong.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 13 Jan 1999 14:05:19 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Only in California
 
"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first
 woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to
 kill again."
 
          --TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"
            in a Marin County newspaper
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 14 Jan 1999 08:12:43 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: World records (women) - offensive
 
Car Parking:
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman,
was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by
Mrs. Caroline Wizz (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing
on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in
Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of
the pavement, 8 hours 14 mins later.  There was slight damage to
the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as
well as shop frontage and two lampposts.
 
Incorrect Driving:
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313
miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel
of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987.  Dr. Thorn smelled burning two
miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with
smoke billowing from the rear wheels.  This journey also holds the
records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the
right indicator flashing.
 
Video Lesbianism:
The longest period of time that two women in a pornographic film
have sat together on a settee without starting to fondle each other
is 8.3 secs, in the 1994 low budget production 'Strap on Sally
vol.3'.  The longest a woman has sat alone on the settee without
starting to fondle herself is 5.2 secs. in the same film.
 
Traffic Light Cosmetics:
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying
make up was one of 1hr 51mins 38secs. by Miss J.Dobson at a road
junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975.  Miss
Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of
the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28
miles towards Leeds.
 
Group Toilet Visit:
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet
simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social
Security, Long Benson. At their annual celebration at a nightclub
in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994. Mrs. Beryl Crabbier got
up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other
members of the party.  Moving amass the group entered the toilet
at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs
37 mins later.
 
          (Ladies - the men's half will follow)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 14 Jan 1999 09:19:46 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: New Austerity Measures <clean>
 
               Our New Corporate Travel Policy
 
Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the
Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective Monday
the following revised procedures apply:
 
Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends
while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such
as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals,
train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods
of inclement weather.
 
Transportation
Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial
transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees
prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will
be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline
tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest
fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in
Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to
Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to
Seattle.
 
Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It
should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as
Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, Costco, and Sam's Club
often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can
be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with
indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at
their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers
should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially
effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be
used to feed the entire group.
 
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business
travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at
your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly
preparation.
 
Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in
effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has
already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover
periods, which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support
of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to
their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with
their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be
available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits
 
We welcome any suggestions for further cost cutting.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Jan 1999 to 14 Jan 1999
************************************************
 
