HUMOR Digest - 12 Jan 1999 to 13 Jan 1999
There are 12 messages totalling 660 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Wanna Boost Your Mgmt. Vocab.? <clean>
  2. Equality of Sexes Vexes
  3. Bobbitt's Tale (mature)
  4. Time To Clean House?
  5. Some mild anatomical references
  6. New Sayings For The Modern Day (R-rated)
  7. Hunting
  8. top 5 list-Signs your dating a Psyche Major
  9. Definition (adult)
 10. Another "Urban Legend"
 11. Judge Rehnquist appears in costume for Trial
 12. Heights Of.. <adult>
 
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Date:    Tue, 12 Jan 1999 12:42:43 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Wanna Boost Your Mgmt. Vocab.? <clean>
 
Guide To Reach The Top Echelons (aka) Boost Your Technobulary!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
 
Wish you could compose prose which would convince the reader you
are knowledgeable (even if the subject is completely foreign to
you)?  Simply employ the "Buzzword" writing method.  It is simple.
There are three columns of words involved, as follows:
 
  0. balanced       0. management        0. contingency
  1. total          1. organization      1. hardware/software
  2. integrated     2. reciprocal        2. projection
  3. compatible     3. monitored         3. time-frame
  4. synchronized   4. digital           4. concept
  5. optimal        5. modular           5. programming
  6. responsive     6. transitional      6. mobility
  7. functional     7. incremental       7. capability
  8. parallel       8. third-generation  8. flexibility
  9. systemized     9. policy            9. options
 
Just select any three-digit number; then use the corresponding
Buzzwords from the above grid, e.g., 257: "integrated modular
capability."  Don't worry if it doesn't make sense to you; it
won't mean anything to anyone else either, but they'll think
you're just smarter than they are so they won't say anything!!
You can propose "systemized reciprocal options" (929) to achieve
"optimal transitional flexibility" (568), and your boss will
probably promote you!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 12 Jan 1999 03:11:34 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Equality of Sexes Vexes
 
This is what happens when schools try names that are gender
benders.  By the time women were permitted to play inter-
collegiately, most schools already had team nicknames, and
they had been chosen to reflect the characteristics of the
men's teams. As a result, Lori Shontz of the Pittsburgh
Post-Gazette reports, many women's teams are sporting
unladylike names -- or nonsensical ones.
 
The University of Alaska's mascot is the Nanook. Translated
literally from an Eskimo language, nanook means "male polar
bear." Which means that the women's teams, when called the
Lady Nanooks, are actually Lady Male Polar Bears.
 
The Rhode Island men's and women's teams are both the Rams,
as anatomically impossible as that might be for the latter.
>From 1977 to 1992, the women's team tried to fix things by
calling themselves the WRams, but fans mispronounced it as
"Wo-Rams", so the nickname was wretired.
 
Other women's team names are equally inappropriate: the
University of Buffalo Bulls, the St. Joseph's (of Maine)
Monks, the San Francisco Lady Dons, the Fairfield Stags
and the Amherst Lady Jeffs.
 
        Some examples of entertaining & misguided
        attempts to correct the problem:
 
- At Northland College, there are Lumberjacks & Lumberjills
 
- At Arkansas-Monticello, the Boll Weevils & Cotton Blossoms
 
- At Kenyon, the Lords and Ladies
 
- At Heidelberg, the Student Princes and Student Princesses
 
- At Tarleton State, the Texans and TexAnns
 
- At Central Missouri, the Mules and Jennies
 
- At Augustana College in Illinois, the Vikings & Vi Queens
 
- At Wiley College, the Wildcats and Kittens
 
        -Source: "The Baltimore Sun"  Jan 10, 1999
         Compiled from wire reports by Andy Knobel
         http://www.sunspot.net
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 12 Jan 1999 07:48:35 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Bobbitt's Tale (mature)
 
          THE BATTLE OF THE BOBBITS"
 (sung to the tune of "THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES")
 
 Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
 A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone.
 It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
 She lopped off his dong
 With the swipe of a knife.
 
 Penis, that is.
 Clean cut.
 Missed his nuts.
 
 Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
 And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
 She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend...
 Tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.
 
 Curve, that is.
 Tossed the nub.
 In the shrub.
 
 She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
 And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
 They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
 To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
 
 Found, that is.
 By a fence.
 Evidence.
 
 Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart for long,
 So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
 "A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
 And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny pee'd.
 
 Whizzed, that is.
 Straight stream.
 Even seam.
 
 Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
 With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
 They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
 And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.
 
 Video, that is.
 Unexposed.
 Case Closed.
 
       Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, 'ya hear!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:06:49 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Time To Clean House?
 
I clean my house according to some simple principles that are easy
to remember:
 
1. If you have just stepped on something and danced around in pain
   until you slipped on a magazine, it is probably time to pick up
   again.
2. If you find your scissors by feeling around your dining room
   table until you feel something hard of the correct shape, it's
   time to clear off a few things.
3. If you need a gas mask to open your fridge, you might think
   about throwing away some of those leftovers.
4. If you drop your comb in the bathroom and you pick it up with
   more hair than is currently attached to your head, it's time to
   sweep.
5. If the neighbors are circulating a petition about the state of
   your yard, you might consider cutting the grass - but only if
   you've failed to buy them off with a doll dress or two.
6. When sorting newspaper, ask yourself if anyone asked for it in
   the last six months (or the last time you sorted, whichever
   comes later). If no one has, throw it out.
7. If your feet stick walking across the kitchen floor, it's time
   to mop.
8. If it takes more than 20 minutes to find your kids when you wake
   them up in the morning, it's time to have them clean-up their
   rooms -- use new doll dresses or Power Ranger stuff as
   incentives.
9. If you haven't seen the floor of your car for a week because of
   the Happy Meal litter on the floor and 'wash me' is written in
   the dust on the outside of the car, it's time to take the hint.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:58:31 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Some mild anatomical references
 
A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in
Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave
were the following symbols in their order of appearance:
     1. a woman
     2. a donkey
     3. a shovel
     4. a fish
     5. a Star of David
 
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the
piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archeologists
from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They
held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what
they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
 
The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first
drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this
race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can
also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a
donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till
the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which
means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their
high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had a famine
hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the
sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which
means they were evidently Hebrews."
 
The audience applauded enthusiasticlly and the president smiled and
said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our
interpretations."
 
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and
said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings
say is quite simple. First of all, while you've been 'reading' and
'interpreting' these inscriptions from left to right, everyone
knows that the Hebrews would have written from right to left.
 
"Now, look again: It says, 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that
 woman!'"
 
     	-Originally posted by Pastor Walter Snyder
         on the Religious humor discussion list
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:19:51 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: New Sayings For The Modern Day (R-rated)
 
 1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
 2. Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.
 3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
 4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
 5. Don't bother me... I'm living happily ever after.
 6. Do I look like a fuckin' people person?
 7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
 8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
 9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of
    self-control.
15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
16. I like dogs, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put
    shoes on my cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
20. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was
    flat.
21. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
23. God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I
    had to eat him.
24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
25. And just how may I screw you over today?
26. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
31. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets
    after them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
41. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't
    fallen asleep yet.
46. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
53. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
55. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I
    leave the house?
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
59. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
65. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
67. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
68. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
69. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep
    inside the earth.
70. Earth is full. Go home.
71. Is it time for your medication or mine?
72. Does this condom make me look fat?
73. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you
    touch me?
74. I plead contemporary insanity.
75. And which dwarf are you?
76. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
77. I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted
    paychecks.
78. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
79. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
80. Meandering to a different drummer.
81. I'm not tense.  Just terribly, terribly alert.
 
     -Thanks to K <stoats@ix.netcom.com> and KCinKW@aol.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 12 Jan 1999 08:31:09 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Hunting
 
Hi Honey,
 
A girl at work is selling candles, I'm running out so I'm gonna
order some.  I'm not going to a party or having a party.  I'm just
buying candles like you said.
I figured I would put Hunting as the subject of this email, because
if I put Candles, you wouldn't read it.
 
Bye...  :-)
       Melanie
 
          -received by a co-worker at my workplace
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 12 Jan 1999 12:42:14 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: top 5 list-Signs your dating a Psyche Major
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                        January 8, 1999
 
        The Top 9 Signs You're Dating a Psychology Major
 
 9> You awake in the middle of the night to a tape repeating,
    "This time it's true love...  This time it's true love..."
 8> You get an electric shock every time you leave the toilet
    seat up.
 7> Everything she says sounds interesting but has no practical
    value.
 6> A trip to any fast food joint always results in
    ketchup-and-napkin Rorschach tests.
 5> After you fall down the stairs, she asks "How does that make
    you feel?"
 4> Instead of a goodnight kiss, she leaves you with, "Looks
    like our time's about up".
 3> Win one lousy game of Nintendo and suddenly you're a manic
    bipolar schizophrenic with blatent passive/agressive
    tendencies.
 2> During arguments calmly says, "What I hear is that you can't
    stand my overly rational, Spock-like approach, and that
    you feel I should have the stick extracted from my ass.
    Is that correct?"
 
  and Top5's Number 1 Sign You're Dating a Psychology Major...
 
 1> You're rewarded with a peanut everytime you correctly hit
    the G spot.
 
   [           This list copyright 1999 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 12 Jan 1999 15:04:31 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Definition ( adult)
 
Q: What is the definition of nothing?
 
A: When a man with an erection walks into a brick wall
   and injures his nose
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 12 Jan 1999 17:23:17 -0500
From:    Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: Another "Urban Legend"
 
               GREAT MOMENTS IN ENGINEERING !!!
 
In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from
"Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry
Federation, telling the following story:
 
The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for
testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.  The device is a
gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at
approximately the speed the plane flies.
 
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass
impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
 
It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to
test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're
developing.  They borrowed FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the
chicken and fired.
 
The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the
engineer's chair and embedded itself in the back wall of the
engine's cab.  The British were stunned and asked the FAA to
recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
 
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
Use a thawed chicken.
 
 
http://members.tripod.com/~pbeloin
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 12 Jan 1999 17:29:26 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Judge Rehnquist appears in costume for Trial
 
This just in from National Public Radio:
 
Chief Justice William Rehnquist will be wearing a black judicial
robe with bits of gold braid on the sleeves.  Now, the black
judicial robe is traditional, at least since some English Monarch
kicked the bucket a couple of hundred years ago.  Before then
they came in many colors, including red.
 
The gold braid, however, will be in evidence because the Chief
Justice went to a Gilbert & Sullivan production recently (it was
either Iolanthe or Trial By Jury, I just didn't catch which), saw
the judge in the show wearing gold braid and has adopted it for the
current farce in Washington, DC.
 
No word as yet on whether Pres. B. J. Clinton will sing:
"I am the very model of a modern First Philanderer..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 13 Jan 1999 10:47:02 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Heights Of..<adult>
 
Honesty: A pregnant woman asking the bus conductor for one & a
         half ticket.
 
Technology: Condom with zip.
 
Foolishness: A guy peeping thru' the keyhole of a glass door
 
Revenge: A bastard puncturing all the condoms in a contraceptive
         factory.
 
Noise: Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof.
 
Itch: A one handed man hanging from a cliff & his balls itching
 
Innocence: A teenage girl applying Clearsil to her nipples
           thinking them as pimples..
 
Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
 
Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to
          do the rest.
          A guy marrying a pregnant girl.
 
Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
             A topless lady standing near Mount Everest.
 
Bravery: A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an
         island of gays.
 
Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
 
Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes
         through the paper.
 
Penetration: A baby girl born pregnant.
 
Darkness: A negro searching for his penis in a dark room.
 
Fashion: A female applying LipStick to her vertical Lips.
 
Patience: A female lying naked under a banana tree and hoping
          for banana to fall in her pussy.
 
Accuracy: The banana falling right into her pussy
 
Pain: The whole bunch falling in  !!!!!!!!!!!!
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Jan 1999 to 13 Jan 1999
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