HUMOR Digest - 11 Jan 1999 to 12 Jan 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 503 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. THASH it (adult)
  2. The WorkPlace
  3. Smiles (adult)
  4. Acrimonious questions & comments about contemporary events
  5. Microsoft Commercial
  6. This may make your hair stand up straight (adult)
  7. The Juggler
  8. The Avid Hunter <adult theme>
  9. Cute Kid Sayings
 10. One-liners for that special occasion <adult><off to, well,
     if you aren't upset I'll try harder next time>
 
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Date:    Mon, 11 Jan 1999 03:14:53 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: THASH it (adult)
 
The husband gets drunk, and insists on taking a friend home from
the pub to show him his posh home.  They get in the hall, and...
 
"Shee that chandelir, thash mine!"
 
They progress through the house....
 
"Shee that big colour tel'vision shet, thash mine."
 
Then upstairs.....
 
"Shee that king-shise double bed, thash mine."
 
"Shee that lovely woman naked in bed, thash my wife."
 
"Shee that feller lyin' on top of her... thash me."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 11 Jan 1999 04:37:56 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET> 
Subject: The WorkPlace
 
* The Social Security worker was forced to give up coffee.  He
  found it made him toss and turn all day at his desk.
                           - - - - -
 
* Isn't it odd that the person with the strongest beliefs in hard
  work & dedication by employees is usually the boss ?
                           - - - - -

* A harassed programmer was asked by a friend who he was working
  for these days.  The fellow replied, "Same old outfit -- wife
  and three kids."
                           - - - - -

* There's no truth at all to the feeling that today's college
  kids object to an honest day's work; unfortunately though,
  they want a week's pay for doing it.
                           - - - - -
 
* Actually I wonder sometime about the success of stockbrokers.
  I mean think about it -- people driving the most expensive
  cars available go all the way downtown to get advice from a
  guy who got there riding a bus.
                           - - - - -
 
* The Baltimore Institute of Art just advertized for a Building
  Maintenance Supervisor.  I wouldn't be surprised if they got
  a lot of applicants.  The classified read: "Good salary and
  benefits, plus all you can see."
                           - - - - -
 
*   At a health food store a man asked for an all-around herbal
  combination.  The owner recommended one he said he'd sold for
  over sixty years.
    Dubious, the fellow takes the bottle to the cashier, a really
  stunning young blonde.  As he was paying, he asked, "Has your
  boss really been selling this stuff for sixty years ?  He looks
  to be a lot younger than I am."
    "Can't really say Sir." replied the blonde.  "I've only been
  with him about forty years now."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 11 Jan 1999 07:24:10 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Smiles (adult)
 
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into
q woman beside him & as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me."
 
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
1221."
          ================================
 
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
you?" the bartender inquires.
 
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
 
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
 
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
 
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
 
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste,
nothing will."
          ================================
 
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next
to an absolutely gorgeous woman.  They exchange brief hellos and he
notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks
her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book
about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have
the longest, average penis and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
 
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
          ================================
 
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps
his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife
turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
 
The husband, rejected, turns over & tries to sleep. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he
whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?"
          ================================
 
Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife
that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his
penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should
see a sex therapist to talk about it but Bill indicated that he'd
be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
 
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His
wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's
wrong, Bill?" she asked.
 
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
 
"Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did."
 
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
 
"I got fired."
 
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
 
"Oh... she got fired too."
          ================================
 
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a
coma for several years.  On this visit he decides to rub her left
breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a
sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good
sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if
there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast
and this brings a moan.
 
Guessing that sexual arousal might stir her from her coma the
Doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying
he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want
the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife
is dead.
 
The shocked doctor asks what happen to which the man replied: "I
think she choked."
          ================================
 
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman
said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50
years."
 
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting
here at this breakfast table together."
 
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago.
 
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
 
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
 
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied  her husband. "One's in your
coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 11 Jan 1999 08:33:39 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Acrimonious questions & comments about contemporary events
 
Sign seen at local day care center: "Two-year-old teacher needed."
 
It's unfair to compare Bill Clinton to Jane Fonda. At least Jane
Fonda went to Vietnam.
 
If they combined country with rap, would they call it crap?
 
My wife says we cannot afford Viagra, but she spends $50 a month
for a perm.
 
My daughter asked, "Why do they call it rush hour when no one seems
to be rushing and it takes more than an hour?
 
We're lost, I told my wife, but at least we're making good time.
 
If we impeached every politician who lied to the American public,
Washington, D.C., would be a ghost town.
 
The biggest news story of the year is the dumbing down of America,
but America is too dumb to know it.
 
Quit your whining about the current Iraqi problems and policy. It
was all created by OUR Republican Guard. They didn't finish the
job. No more, no less.
 
My Internet addiction has cured by soap opera addiction.
 
Thanks to Bob Livingston and his fellow, soon to be outed,
Republicans, I can finally say I bought Larry Flynt's magazine for
the articles.
 
Larry Flynt gives people money to tell about their sex lives. Ken
Starr threatens to put people in jail if they won't tell him about
their sex lives. They have both published pornography. Now, which
one is the bad guy?
 
I spoke with Eric Rudolph, and he told me he has no ideas where the
FBI is hiding.
 
Senators are already stating how they are going to vote on the
impeachment trial. Some trial.
 
When we mail fruitcake, we leave off the return address.
 
To my husband's ex-mistress: Why are you SO shocked to learn that
the same man who has been lying to me for over two years has also
been lying to you?
 
Mike Luckovich should stop portraying Bob Barr as the village
idiot. It's not socially acceptable, nor fair to the village idiot.
 
Being late for work doesn't give you the right to put other
motorists at rish with your reckless driving. Try leaving home
earlier!
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 11 Jan 1999 08:52:29 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Microsoft Commercial
 
You may have noticed that a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet
Explorer e-mail program uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis
Maledictis" from the Mozart's Requiem.
 
"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen.
Meanwhile, the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus
addictis," which means, "The damned and accursed are convicted to
flames of hell."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 11 Jan 1999 14:12:29 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: This may make your hair stand up straight (adult)
 
          Today  (Jan 11) is St. Vitalis's Day
 
According to legend, this 5th-century hermit, as a sexagenarian,
spent money he earned in day-labor on prostitutes -- praying for
and with them after hours in their rooms.  Another mode of
rehabilitation is described in "The Country Justice" of 1688:
   The usual canonical penance for a whore hath been that
   she shall stand at the church door some hours bare-
   legged and barefoot, in a white sheet, with a candle
   in her hand.  But this is now left off in many places
   for they truly say it but affordeth naughty women of
   their bodies occasion to display their wares, and
   intice men to filthiness.
 
-from Jeffrey Kacirk's 1999 Calendar of FORGOTTEN ENGLISH
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
Good grief!  What's next?  Will we find out that Brylcreme is named
for St. Bryl who used to try to reform politicians by giving them
donations?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 11 Jan 1999 17:23:17 -0500
From:    Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: The Juggler
 
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the
officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the
car... "What are those for?"; he asked suspiciously.
 
"I'm a juggler," the man replied, " I use them in my act."
 
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.  So he got out the machetes
& started juggling them... first three, then more, finally seven
at one time; overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a
dazzling show & amazing the officer.
 
Another car passed by.  The driver did a double take and said,
"Holy cow, I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're
giving now!!!"
 
 
http://members.tripod.com/~pbeloin
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 11 Jan 1999 16:39:04 -0800
From:    "Fong, Dara" <dara_fong@USCS.COM>
Subject: The Avid Hunter <adult theme>
 
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup.  The doctor asks
him how he's feeling "I've never been better!" he replies.  "I've
got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child!  What
do you think about that?"
 
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me
tell you a story.  I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never
misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he
accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking
in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush
in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver
and squeezes the handle.  *BAM*  The beaver drops dead in front of
him."
 
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else
must have shot that beaver".
 
"Exactly."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 11 Jan 1999 20:35:49 -0500
From:    Gwen Eckman <gwen@CE.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Cute Kid Sayings
 
	          Kids Say the Darndest Things
	   (Young Wisdom - Out of the Mouths of Babes)
 
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On
returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two
boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother
asked.
 
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think
it's printed on the bottom."
               - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother
noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes
are on the wrong feet."
 
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me,
Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
               - - - - - - - - - - -
 
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If
anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
 
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that
help?"
               - - - - - - - - - - -
 
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and
began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal
crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?"
his mother asked.
 
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy
explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
               - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Can people predict the future with cards? My mother can. Really?
Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will
happen when  my father gets home.
               - - - - - - - - - - -
 
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The
man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city,
but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
 
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
               - - - - - - - - - - -
 
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was
reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said,
"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail.
AMEN."
 
          --forwarded by a friend
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 12 Jan 1999 01:55:37 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: One-liners for that special occasion <adult><off to, well,
         if you aren't upset I'll try harder next time>
  
 1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
 3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
 4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
 5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
 6. Do I look like a fucking people person?
 7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
 8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
 9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
14. A little ignorance can go a long way.
15. So you are better at sex than anybody. Now all you need
    is a partner.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, I'll put
    shoes on my cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
20. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth
    was flat.
21. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
23. God was my copilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I
    had to eat him.
24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
25. And just how may I fuck you over today?
26. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
31. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper my favourite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets
    after them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
41. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
44. Sure it's user-friendly...if you know what you're doing.
45. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
46. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
52. Can you out-think a doorknob?
53. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
55. I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should
    I leave the house?
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
58. Vertically-fornicated mind.
59. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
62. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
65. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
67. A woman's favourite position is CEO.
68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
69. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep
    inside the earth.
71. Earth is full. Go home.
72. Is it time for your medication or mine?
73. Does this condom make me look fat?
74. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if
    you touch me?
75. I plead contemporary insanity.
76. And which dwarf are you?
77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
79. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
80. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Jan 1999 to 12 Jan 1999
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