HUMOR Digest - 9 Jan 1999 to 10 Jan 1999
There are 9 messages totalling 309 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Gentle Sex
  2. Reasons why guitars are better than women  <adult theme>
  3. Urban Myths??
  4. Fraud Warning (fwd)
  5. Kiss and Tell!
  6. a quickie
  7. Camel-ot (mature)
  8. The Elevator(adult)
  9. A Response to a Birthday Message
 
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Date:    Sat, 9 Jan 1999 03:08:40 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Gentle Sex
 
* According to the Bible, woman was the last thing created.
  Most women maintain God saved "the best for last."  I kinda
  wonder though if maybe he wasn't a little tired by then.
                           - - - - -
 
* Speaking of God creating woman (I was).  Did ya ever wonder
  if things wouldn't have been a lot better for us guys if
  God would have used a funny bone instead of a rib.
                           - - - - -
 
*   During a rather heated argument, the husband bellowed:
  "You don't deserve a man like me."
    The wife retorted, "I don't deserve arthritis either, but
  I got that."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting
  at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of
  coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
  "What's wrong Marge ?" she asked.
    Marge told her that she had "morning sickness".  Surprised
  the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant."
    "I'm not." the harried young woman replied.  "I'm just damn
  sick of mornings."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The boss was sympathetic when his secretary said she needed
  some time off because her husband died.  Several weeks later
  she approached him again, requesting more time off.
    When he asked why, she said she was getting married. In
  spite of himself, he said "But your husband's only been dead
  about a month."
    She smiled and replied, "Yeah, I know... but I don't hold
  a grudge very long."
 
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Date:    Sat, 9 Jan 1999 06:27:40 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Reasons why guitars are better than women  <adult theme>
 
 1. A guitar has a volume knob
 2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $0.79
    for a new one
 3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
 4. You can unplug a guitar
 5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it
    wants more
 6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
 7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause,
    not arrested
 8. You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
 9. If your guitar gets loose, you can just tighten up the strings
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can change
    pickups
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a
    lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional,
    not required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want
    for free
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 9 Jan 1999 07:42:35 -0500
From:    Larry Randall <lrandall@ASYMAIL.FAA.GOV>
Subject: Urban Myths??
 
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, who was home
recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky
Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he
awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore
all over.  When he got out the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD
BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!"
but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his
computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy
his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
 
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer
programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon
when the year 2000 rolls around.  His program will prevent a global
disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the
$600 Nieman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates
(It's true--I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL
GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld
Vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone
I know).
 
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his
missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got
jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note
that said "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
 
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one,
actually where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one
whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail
and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for
every e-mail he receives. I sent him two emails and one of them was
a bunch of X's and O's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and
forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people
only will give you OK luck and if you send it to less than ten
people you will have bad luck FOR SEVEN YEARS!)
 
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but
on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights
on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights and was promptly shot as
part of a gang initiation.
 
And its a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark
Ages.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 9 Jan 1999 09:04:29 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Fraud Warning (fwd)
 
     (This is a serious post!  Be forewarned!)
 
Subject: Fraud Warning
Date: Thursday, January 07, 1999 9:49 AM
 
          WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY!
                  THIS IS SERIOUS!
 
If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue
Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this
time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which
they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential
functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The
money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and
pointless social engineering projects.
 
This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the
Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your
regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the
SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects
the IRS helps mastermind.
 
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out
of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!
 
FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
 
     -from the Rev. Fr. Walter Snyder
      via the Religious humor discussion List
 
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Date:    Sat, 9 Jan 1999 09:54:17 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Kiss and Tell!
 
An old man is in confession and he says to the Priest, "... and I
am 89 and last night I had sex 3 times each with 25 year old twin
blond  lingerie models that live next door."
 
The priest says "so what do you want me to do about it, give you
a penance?"
 
"No", says the old man "I'm not even Catholic, I'm Jewish!"
 
The priest looks at him in amazement and says, "Well, why are you
telling me about having sex 3 times each with the 25 year old twins
then?"
 
The old fella replies, "It's not just you, I'm telling EVERYONE!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sat, 9 Jan 1999 10:57:31 EST
From:    Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: a quickie
 
It's a shame, but 99% of the lawyers make it look bad for the rest
of them!!!!!!!
 
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Date:    Sat, 9 Jan 1999 11:06:25 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Camel-ot (mature)
 
A Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a desert
outpost. On his orientation tour, he noticed a very old,
seedy-looking camel tethered out in back of the enlisted men's
barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the
camel for?"
 
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, it's a long way from anywhere and
the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, well, we
have the camel."
 
The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's
all right with me."
 
After he had been at the outpost for about 6 months, the Captain
couldn't stand it any longer, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN
THE CAMEL!!!" The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders & led the camel
into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a footstool and
proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped,
satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants, he
asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
 
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, they usually just use it to ride
into town."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 9 Jan 1999 13:22:57 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The Elevator(adult)
 
This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom
please."
 
A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry,
I didn't realize I was crowding you."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 9 Jan 1999 18:22:47 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A Response to a Birthday Message
 
This is a Birthday Greeting that I send to colleagues at my
University. Attached is a response from one of these friends.
 
  It's your Birthday!!!
    That wonderful time of year when
      the cake comes down the chimney
        and you blow out all the candles
          on your eggs and everyone sings
            Valentine Carols to you while
              you open your pumpkins!
                What the hell!
                  You're old,
                    You're confused;
                      You don't know
                        the difference!!!
                          HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
 
      P.S. If anyone sets off firecrackers or begins to sing
           "Auld Lang Syne," remember; it's still your birthday!
                    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Les,
Thanks for the birthday wish, but you didn't have to be so
truthful! There are some advantages to being confused and
forgetful. I can buy myself a Christmas present, wrap it up,
and be surprised when I open it on Christmas day.
 
I can also hide my own Easter eggs for an Easter egg hunt.
After a few minutes, I can't remember where I put anything.
 
Take care and thanks for the thought.
 
Carl
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Jan 1999 to 10 Jan 1999
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