There are 11 messages totalling 517 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Yearly Traffic Report
  2. Top 10 Reasons Why E'mail Is Like A Penis
  3. Rednecks R Us <adult, off. to rednecks what can read>
  4. Promises<offensive to politicians>
  5. Slick comments & questions about contemporary life
  6. Blonde Joke.
  7. Weird Business News #11 (2nd of 2)
  8. Happy St. Gudula's Day
  9. Cold Weather
 10. Millenium Bugs?
 11. Ophthalmology <adult theme>
 
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Date:    Fri, 8 Jan 1999 03:37:23 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Yearly Traffic Report
 
Here's the Annual Traffic Report for 1998.  The number of postings
shown is the average for that particular month.  The "subscriber"
(etc) data is for the close of that particular month.

Below the summary numbers for 1998, I have included the data for
1997, so that you may compare this year the last one.

The January 1996 Digests (text format) are now available on our
Web site: www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr for your viewing
pleasure. I hope to have all of 1996 in place by the end of March.
 
 
                                        JimJr
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
                        Annual Traffic Report for HUMOR, 1998
                         (Average Number of articles posted)
              _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
              Jan       Feb       Mar       Apr       May       Jun
              - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Sunday         10        11        11         7         9        10
Monday         13        14        13         9        12        13
Tuesday        12        13        10         9        10        15
Wednesday      15        17        14        13        13        14
Thursday       15        17        15        12        14        17
Friday         11        11        11        11        11        14
Saturday        8        12         8         6         7         8
              - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(Average)      12        12        12         9        11        13
 [1997]        18        17        15        14        15        12
 
Subscribe   8,098     8,174     8,088     8,482     8,333     8,107
 [1997]     9,365     9,714    10,120    10,668    10,820    10,290
 
Countries     103       105       105       107       106       106
 [1997]        89        92        94       100       100       100
 
Contribs      681       685       685       665       675       633
 [1997]       804       810       825       835       845       851
 
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

                        Annual Traffic Report for HUMOR, 1998
                         (Average Number of articles posted)
              _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
              Jul       Aug       Sep       Oct       Nov       Dec
              - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Sunday          9        11         9         8         9         8
Monday         11        13        12         9        11        10
Tuesday        12        11        13        11        12        10
Wednesday      11        14        14        10        15         9
Thursday       13        14        14        11        10        10
Friday         10        13        12        11        12         7
Saturday        7         9        11         8         7         6
              - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(Average)      10        12        12        10        11         9
 [1997]        12        11        10        12        11        11
 
Subscribe   7,743     7,592     7,718     7,752     7,720     7,615
 [1997]     9,905     9,742     8,848     8,801     8,613     8,500
 
Countries     110       111       120       120       114       115
 [1997]       100       100       101       103       103       104
 
Contribs      605       604       610       603       589       586
 [1997]       800       811       714       710       716       740
 
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Now for a contribution of humor:
 
  Hillary demanded that Bill come clean once and for all if he
wanted her to stand by him during this upcoming trial in the
Senate. She said, "Now I want the truth, exactly how many
women have you been with in your life ?"
 
Bill paused a minute then replied, "Let's see, one... two...
three... you... four... five... six... seven... eight... nine...
ten... ..."
 
           - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
           Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                   jimjr@qis.net  ("QIS.NET")
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Message Board:
     www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 8 Jan 1999 06:55:16 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Top 10 Reasons Why E'mail Is Like A Penis
 
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
 
 9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow
    inferior.
 
 8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat but think it's
    not worth the fuss that those who have it make over it.
 
 7. Many of those without it would like to have it. (E-mail envy)
 
 6. It's more fun when it's up but this makes it hard to get any
    real work done.
 
 5. If you don't take proper precautions it can spread viruses.
 
 4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more
    difficult to think coherently.
 
 3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its
    actual size and influence warrant.
 
 2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into
    a lot of trouble.
 
 1. If you play with it too much you'll go blind.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 8 Jan 1999 08:33:18 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Rednecks R Us <adult, off. to rednecks what can read>
 
Q: What do they do with broken-down cars in Missouri?
A: Build a house next to them. (park a trailer, more likely!)
              ==========================
 
   Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya
going boy?"
   Elmer smiles and replies, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
   Pappy said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang
lantern."
   "Sure Paw, I know," says Elmer. "And jes' look what you got !"
               ==========================
 
Q: How can you tell if a girl is a redneck?
A: She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time,
    and know what to spit and what to swallow.
               ==========================
 
   A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out
to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on a per pound price with the
farmer, and then begins to select a pig. "How about that one?"
   "OK," replies the farmer. The farmer then picks up the pig,
puts its tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth, & then
declares, "This 'un weighs 74 pounds."
   "That's amazing," the man says, "are you sure you can tell
a pig's weight by using that method?"
   "Yep," replies the farmer, "we've used this method in our
family fer generations." To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts
the pig on a scale and it weighs exactly 74 pounds.
   "My boy can do it, too," boasts the farmer. And sure enough,
the farmer's son comes over, puts another pig's tail in his mouth,
lets it hang, and then says, "This 'un weighs 83 pounds."
   The farmer then confirms his son's accuracy with the scale.
"My wife can do it too," says the farmer. "Boy, go git your  maw."
The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later.
   "Maw can't come out right now," says the son, "she's busy
weighing the mailman."
          ==========================
 
Did you hear they found a new use for sheep in Alabama?
Wool.
          ==========================
 
Q: Do you know how Arkansan's practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
          ==========================
 
You know you're from W. Virginia if...
 -- You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke
      at the dinner table in front of her kids.
 -- Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
 -- You think a woman who is "out of your league"
      bowls on a different night.
 -- Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
 -- You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms
      so clean.
 -- You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
 -- Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
 -- You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner
       are, "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
 -- You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded
     right off its wheels.
 -- You take a six-pack cooler to church.
 -- One of your kids was born on a pool table.
 -- You need one more hole punched in your card
      to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
 -- Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 8 Jan 1999 08:25:39 PST
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Promises<offensive to politicians>
 
          What Indian Politicians Promise
 
An Indian dies and goes to Heaven. As is the custom he is met at
the pearly gates and taken for a tour. He finally lands in God's
room. In front of God is a huge console with many red lamps.
 
" Every time," his guide tells him, "anyone lies on the Earth these
lights flash."
 
Just as they spoke, all the lights on the console beginning to
light up like crazy.
 
The Indian is puzzled. "So many lies at the same time?" he asks.
 
"Yes," says his guide, "there is an election rally in New Delhi."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 8 Jan 1999 12:55:22 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Slick comments & questions about contemporary life
 
I'd put my wife on a pedestal, but I don't have the money to rent a
crane.
 
Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.
 
My dad's a fisherman and for Christmas I decided to get him some
weapons of bass destruction.
 
Love is when your 21-year-old daughter comes home from college for
the holidays and still wants to be tucked in at night.
 
Just who is J.D. Power and how do you get to be one of his
associates?
 
Being a widow will lose one more friends than having a baby,
getting a divorce or giving up alcohol.
 
When do the golden years kick in? I'm 85 and still in the aching
years.
 
My speed-reading course must be paying off: I just read an entire
episode of "Cathy" at one sitting.
 
The first-degree murder charges against Dr. Jack Kavorkian lead us
to wonder: If he is convicted and sentenced, will he be allowed to
give himself the lethal injection?
 
House work is something you do that nobody notices unless you don't
do it.
 
Meg Ryan could be bald and she would still be better looking than
you.
 
If Superman is so smart, why is his underwear on the outside?
 
One of these days, my kids are going to understand "Because I said
so" is a perfectly good answer.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 8 Jan 1999 14:05:12 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Blonde Joke.
 
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.  She
wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was
very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were
asking.
 
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one
of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and
catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable
price!"
 
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck
out and catch yourself a big one!"
 
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator.
 
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home,  when he spots
the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
 
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward
her.  She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of
effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several
more of the dead creatures.  The shopkeeper watches in amazement.
 
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and
frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes
either!"
 
          --from Griff Evans
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 8 Jan 1999 15:35:28 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #11 (2nd of 2)
 
     Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:

Doolittle Will be Manning the Switchboard Award to Japan's
mobile phone giant NTT Mobile Communications Network, which
says it plans to equip dogs and cats with cell phones.
 
The Cybersex Award to Guardian On Board, which sent out a news
release extolling its device to protect your computer from power
surges -- with a condom attached.
 
The New Service of the Month Award to Petco International. If you
take your dog to them for a shampoo and clip, they will also brush
Rover's teeth.
 
     From Helmut Behrend's Collection of Weird Business Signs
     comes the following:
 
 * On a New Mexico dry cleaners, "38 years on the same spot."
 
 * In a mortuary, "Ask about our lay-away plan."
 
 * In a Maine restaurant, "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
 
 * At a public school, "No trespassing without permission."
 
 * In front of a New Hampshire car wash, "If you can't read this,
   it's time to wash your car."
 
 * On a New York convalescent home, "For the sick and tired of the
   Episcopal Church."
 
 * In a New York drugstore, "We dispense with accuracy."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 8 Jan 1999 16:41:05 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Happy St. Gudula's Day
 
What can I say?  My kids have me pegged. One of the teenagers got
me a calendar for my last birthday.  It's a word-a-day type, but
the words are all "Forgotten English" words.  It was put together
by Jeffrey Kacirk.
 
My new calendar tells me today is St. Gudula's Day.  St. Gudula,
who flourished in the 8th C and who's teeth are said to be on
display at a church in Brussels, "has been prayed to by people
suffering from dental problems."
 
In honor of St. Gudula, Mr. Kacirk has chosen "tooth-jumping" as
the word for the day.  According to Harold Wentworth's "American
Dialect Dictionary," tooth-jumping is "extracting a tooth by
causing it to jump out with one blow of a hammer or mallet on a
nail or punch, held at an angle against the tooth."
 
There now, doesn't that make ya wanna have nice thoughts about
your Dentist with his/her water-cooled drill?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 8 Jan 1999 17:12:29 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Cold Weather
 
        Degrees (Fahrenheit)/Activity
 
 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
 50 Miami residents turn on the heat
 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
 40 You can see your breath
    Californians shiver uncontrollably
    Minnesotans go swimming
 35 Italian cars don't start
 32 Water freezes
 30 You plan your vacation to Australia
 25 Ohio water freezes
    Californians weep pitiably
    Minnesotans eat ice cream
    Canadians go swimming
 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
    New York City water freezes
    Miami residents plan vacation further South
 15 French cars don't start
    Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
  5 American cars don't start
  0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start
    Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
    Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
    Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
    Politicians actually do something about the homeless
    Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
    Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think
    You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath
    Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear
    Minnesotans button top button
    Canadians put on sweaters
    Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes
    Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over
    Polar bears move South
    Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 8 Jan 1999 19:32:07 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Millenium Bugs?
 
Hot on the heals of yesterday's missive re Y2K, this just in:
 
It seems that computer programs are full of "bugs," so named
because that's what many software engineers look like.  And, the
worst bug is the Y2K, which, if left unaddressed, could result in
the following calamities:
 
Bill Clinton might be constitutionally eligible to run for a third
term.
 
Chevy might bring back the Vega.
 
Airlines might accidentally install seats large enough for people
to sit in.
 
Due to a crash in their phone systems, you could call a bank and
wind up talking to a person instead of a recording.
 
The White House might start charging drug dealers the wrong rate
for a night in the Lincoln Bedroom.
 
As the ball drops on New Year's Eve in Times Square in New York, it
might get stuck, meaning Dick Clark would be on television forever.
 
Kenneth Starr would lose all of his data and have to start his
investigation over from scratch.
 
Your VCR would stop blinking MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT and start
blinking NOON NOON NOON.
 
Tony Orlando might decide the time is right for a comeback.
 
If you are one of those people who have trouble adjusting to
Daylight Savings Time, imagine the headaches you'll have to endure
when we start the 1900's all over again!
 
Probably the worst fear people have about Y2K is that the banks
will lose all of their data and no one will be able to get money
out.  To prevent this, some experts are recommending withdrawing
large amounts of cash and stuffing your mattress with it, which
sounds to me like a pretty good way to guarantee a back ache.
Here's a better idea... withdraw your money, and send it to me.
I promise I won't lose it to the Y2K bug. I can't promise about
the MasterCard and Visa bug, but better the bug you know than the
one you don't, I always say.  (Well okay, I never actually have
said that before.)
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 8 Jan 1999 20:58:14 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Ophthalmology <adult theme>
 
The mother catches her kid masturbating and warns him:  "Ben,
you're gonna go BLIND if you keep touching yourself."
 
And the kid answers, "Well, can I just do it, then, until I need
glasses?"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Jan 1999 to 9 Jan 1999
**********************************************
 
