HUMOR Digest - 7 Jan 1999 to 8 Jan 1999
There are 12 messages totalling 562 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. bus driver
  2. This Crazy World
  3. Politically Correct Terms For Females
  4. Skinny Dippin' <adult theme>
  5. Fruitcakes
  6. Y2K  - The Least of Our Worries
  7. "IF THE APOSTLE PAUL HAD SENT HIS EPISTLES BY E-MAIL..." (fwd)
  8. Elderly Love <adult, offensive>
  9. Weird Business News #11 (1st of 2)
 10. The truth at last!
 11. SEE SEE SEE? (adult)
 12. The Backlash <adult,off. to enlistees..;))
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 6 Jan 1999 21:48:02 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: bus driver
 
A woman gets on a bus, as she passes the driver he grabs his throat
and makes choking noises. The woman starts crying and hits the
driver with her purse. A few minutes later the buzzer goes off and
the lady passes the driver as she is getting off the bus.
 
The driver again grabs his throat and makes choking noises. The
lady starts crying and again hits the driver with her purse. A
passenger sitting behind the driver whose curiosity has gotten the
better of him asked the driver,
 
"What is that all about?"
 
The driver replies, "Oh, her daughter hanged herself last night and
I'm just teasing her."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 7 Jan 1999 04:20:55 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: This Crazy World
 
* "Downsizing" may be on the wane.  One local company conducting
  interviews told an applicant he was "Just the type of man they
  were looking for" -- they'd decided to lay-off some of the PC's.
                           - - - - -
 
* The old supply-and-demand law is still at work. Hallmark has
  just come out with "Tax Sympathy Cards" for Yuppies to send to
  their friends who lack adequate tax shelters.
                           - - - - -
 
* A medical student was applying for financial aid.   When asked
  why he needed assistance, he replied, "My wife and I are now
  separated, and I'm my sole means of support."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months" on the
  board and then she said, "Timmy, how should I correct that ?"
    Timmy replied, "Maybe get a new boyfriend ?"
                           - - - - -
 
* For the first time, women were used as combat pilots the US's
  latest fiasco with Saddam.  They've even formed a club.  They
  call it "The Ladies' Soaring Circle".
                           - - - - -
 
* Economists report that a college education adds many thousands
  of dollars of "disposable income" to a person's salary during
  their lifetimes.  This extra money is then spent to send the
  kids to college.
                           - - - - -
 
* TV ratings always improve during the football "Playoffs".  But
  things may have gotten out of hand.  Jimmy Johnson, the coach
  for the Miami Dolphins called a team meeting in advance of the
  game and said: "Tim, Jason will do the shaving spots today;
  Shane, you'll handle the cars; Barron is doing the fast foods;
  and Danny will do all the pick-up truck commercials."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 7 Jan 1999 07:05:49 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Politically Correct Terms For Females
 
  She does not:  GET PMS
  She becomes:  HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
 
  She does not have:  A KILLER BODY
  She is:  TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
 
  She is not:  A BAD COOK
  She is:  MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
 
  She is not:  A BAD DRIVER
  She is:  AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
 
  She is not:  A PERFECT 10
  She is:  NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
 
  She is not:  EASY
  She is:  HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
 
  She does not:  HATE SPORTS ON TV
  She is:  ATHLETICALLY BIASED
 
  She does not have:  SEXY LIPS
  She is:  COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
 
  She does not get:  DRUNK
  She is:  ACCIDENTALLY OVER SERVED
 
  You do not ask her:  TO DANCE
  You request:  A PRECOITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
 
  She is not:  A GOSSIP
  She is a:  VERBAL TERMINATOR
 
  She does not:  WORK OUT TOO MUCH
  She is an:  ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
 
  She does not have a:  GREAT BUTT
  She is:  GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
 
  She is not:  HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
  She is:  MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
 
  She is not:  COLD OR FRIGID
  She is:  THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
 
  She does not:  WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP
  She is:  COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
 
  She does not have:  GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
  Her breasts are:  CENTRALLY LOCATED
 
  She will never:  GAIN WEIGHT
  She will become:  A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
 
  She is not:  A SCREAMER OR MOANER
  She is:  VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
 
  She does not:  SHAVE HER LEGS
  She experiences:  TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
 
  She does not have:  A HARD BODY
  She is:  ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
 
  She does not:  SUN BATHE
  She experiences:  SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
 
  Her breasts will never:  SAG
  They will:  LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
 
  She does not:  SHOP TOO MUCH
  She is:  OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
 
  She does not:  CUT YOU OFF
  She becomes:  HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
 
  She does not have:  BIG HAIR
  She is:  OVERLY AEROSOLED
 
  She does not:  SNORE
  She is:  NASALLY REPETITIVE
 
  She does not:  GET DRUNK
  She becomes:  VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
 
  She does not have:  BIG HOOTERS
  Her:  CUPS RUNNETH OVER
 
  She is not:  TOO SKINNY
  She is:  SKELETALLY PROMINENT
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 7 Jan 1999 07:51:55 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Skinny Dippin' <adult theme>
 
Two boys were skinny dippin' and the one couldn't help noticing
the size of the other's willie, so he asked, "How did ya get it
that big?"
 
The other boy responded, "Well, I rub it down every night with
lard."
 
Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again
there was a comparison made that yielded the same results. The
first boy said, "I did what ya told me. I rubbed it down with
Crisco every night."
 
The other boy exclaimed "Well, no wonder you still got a puny
pecker, that's shortening."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 7 Jan 1999 08:27:30 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Fruitcakes
 
     Now that the holidays are over, are you looking for
     something, nay, *anything* to do with those f$#&@*%
     fruitcakes them moron cousins from Georgia send you
     every g@&d#$% year?!?
 
TOP 10 USES FOR HOLIDAY FRUITCAKES:
 
   10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
    9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
    8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.
    7. Use as railroad ties.
    6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
    5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
    4. Use instead of cement shoes.
    3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
    2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
    1. Two words: pin cushion.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 7 Jan 1999 08:37:26 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Y2K  - The Least of Our Worries
 
I used to be smug about the Y2K problem even though it was
definitely a problem with 100% probability of occurrence.   But
then I got to thinking about chaos theory and what really causes
big problems and disasters.  It's the little unexpected things.
For example, a barge strikes a bridge causing a train to fall
into the water.  Who would have predicted that?
So, here's what you really need to watch out for in 1999:
 
1. El Kabong.  We all know about the problems caused by El Nino
   and La Nina.  No one expects them both to occur simultaneously!
   They say it's impossible.  Ergo, what do you suppose will
   happen?  Both El Nino and La Nina at the same time. I call it El
   Kabong!   It turns out to be the greatest natural disaster in
   modern time -- but wait, there is finally some good news...
 
2. Due to the change to the Euro-dollar, a software glitch
   introduced by a Y2K date fix prevents a stock market meltdown.
   Investors would have been saved billions when what was just a
   1-day panic was suddenly halted as the stock markets' computers
   crashed.  However, a ruling by a Canadian judge forces the
   glitch to be removed since the comment describing the fix code
   was not written in both English and French.  The panic is
   re-introduced and the world's markets are all thrown into the
   deepest depression of all time, until...
 
3. An exceedingly enormous comet is found to be heading to impact
   the earth within 6 months.  Markets recover as governments spend
   zillions on the problem until it's determined that the comet is
   so huge it's impossible to stop!  Just as panic and street
   violence strike every nation...
 
4. Aliens arrive to plunder the earth.  No, not illegal aliens.
   Aliens from UFOs.  They say "resistance is futile" since they
   have also seen the comet which is coming to wipe us out.  Since
   we're not going to be here to use it anyway, they just want to
   salvage as much of our resources as they can.  That is until
   they meet ...
 
5. Bill Gates (who having seen the comet's approach has stopped all
   work on the Y2K fix) sells all his remaining stock and control
   of Microsoft to the aliens, thereby becoming the riches man in
   the world for the next 3 months.  In a final triumph of his
   newly found wealth, Bill buys up every computer running Linux
   and has them dropped one by one from the towers of the recently
   acquired World Trade Center.
 
6. In the earth's last desperate days, further panic is spurred by
   the scarcity of gold when it is revealed by Ken Starr that the
   president has made a deal with the aliens to buy the world's
   remaining supply from the newly merged giant Exxon - Mobile -
   Microsoft - GM - REED - QVC - AOL - Shopping Channel.com.
 
7. The world's dwindling food supply goes for sale on ebay and is
   purchased in it's entirety by the aliens whose super-fast
   computers (now crash-proof having installed the final service
   release (SR 187.342) to Windows 95) win all the auctions.
 
8. In the final minutes before the earth's obliteration, the
   gargantuan alien craft with much of the world's wealth departs
   for it's home galaxy.  Unfortunately, as the craft switches from
   earth-based to it's home-world interstellar systems, the date
   functions for their year 2 million (Y2M) cause the Microsoft Y2K
   fixes to fail.  The ship is drawn into the comet's path and is
   totally obliterated.  Serendipitously, an immense energy
   shockwave transports the comet into another dimension where it
   continues harmlessly.
 
9. Thus the earth would be saved had the heat from the same energy
   shockwave which transported the comet not burned away all the
   earth's atmosphere.
 
Now, you're probably saying to yourself "That could not happen."
That's what they say about every bridge that collapses, about every
Titanic that sinks, about every medicine with harmful side effects,
about every president who tries to avoid impeachment.
 
Think of your children!   You can't afford not to be prepared?
 
Send $0.25 for my original brochure: "How to prepare for the coming
Comet - Alien Invasion - Bill Gates - Y2K - Market Collapse."
(Include $99.75 for shipping & handling.)
 
Do it today, 'cause I'll have it written by the time your order
arrives!
 
And if you don't believe it, just ask me, I'll tell you for sure
it's true.
 
          -by Howard V. Carson, January, 1999
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 7 Jan 1999 11:28:15 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: "IF THE APOSTLE PAUL HAD SENT HIS EPISTLES BY E-MAIL..."
          (fwd)
  
Subject: The Third E-mail to the Corinthians
Date: 24/03/65 21:07:33 ROMAN standard time
From: Apostle Paul <paulorsaul@theapostles.org>
To: congregation@corinth.org
File: Epistle3.txt (104201 bytes)
 
[Only the first part of this message is displayed. The entire
message has been turned into a text attachment, encoded in 128-bit
MIME and can only be read if you have an obscure program that you
won't have heard of.]
 
Paul, an apostle of Christ and a slave of the Lord, to the brothers
in Corinth who are using e-mail accounts other than AOL. I will
send a separate message to those using AOL accounts, knowing how
primitive their e-mail service is at the present time.
 
This is the third e-mail I am sending to you. Did you receive my
other two? I have had no reply from you yet, and a "fatal delivery"
error message for the second e-mail, in which I wrote about love,
faith and hope. I will send it again, just in case.
 
I sent my second message to the congregations throughout the whole
of Asia Minor, but my service provider considered this to be
spamming and closed down one of my accounts. To those who are using
Web based e-mail accounts, I will send Timothy to you with my
message on foot. It will get there quicker. Philemon and Titus send
you their love. I found their e-mails amidst a flood of junk mail
and get-rich-quick messages, in which there is no real profit.
Look - I hope you don't mind, but I think I'll stick with the
parchments next time.
 
Anyway, I wanted to write to you on the important subject of
 
-----------end of message----------
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          -from Michael A Dimond
          Via the Religious Humor Discussion list
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 7 Jan 1999 23:07:43 +0000
From:    Andy Hedges <andy@HEDGES.NET>
Subject: Elderly Love <adult, offensive>
 
Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been
carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old and
wheelchair bound.
 
Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively
hold Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It
wasn't much, but it was all they had.
 
One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two
nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him
happily wheeling about the grounds She confronted him and said: 
"Where were you these past couple of nights?"
 
He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman."
   "Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?"
 
"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied.
   "Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.
 
"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old."
   "Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.
 
Bill smiled and said," Parkinson's disease."
 
 
The Humor Archives
http://www.hedges.net/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 7 Jan 1999 19:09:49 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #11 (1st of 2)
 
     (Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow)
 
From a constant reader: "Jack Kemp wants to bring back Reagan
Economics. Would that be D=E9j=E0 Voodoo?"
 
Our Don't Do Me No Favors Award to the following letter to a reader
from Chase Bank of Texas:
"Dear Customer: I am writing in response to your request for
deposit slips. Chase Bank of Texas strives to provide their
customers with Star Treatment. In order to provide you with the
most efficient service, our bank by mail department will no longer
supply generic deposit slips. ... "
 
Sporting Event of February Award to The Glenlivet Office Putting
Championships, set in Chicago. The greens are in the hallways of
office buildings in that city. The winner of the contest gets a
trip to Scotland and a visit to The Glenlivet Distillery.
 
The Any Gag Category I Could Think Of Turned Out To Be Obscene
Award to Pfizer, the drug company that sued a New York perfume
seller for naming a scent after Pfizer's anti-impotence drug,
Viagra.
 
Our Have You Ever Heard About Soap Award to Quest International,
which has developed a perfume to be used in the subway system of
Paris. The scent, called Madeline, is a sweet, wood-smelling scent
designed to cover up the smells of "tobacco, filth and bad fumes."
 
Our Holiday Dinner Award to the crew of the Boeing 737 who reported
they ran into a flock of vultures while flying near Dallas-Fort
Worth International Airport. The crew said they heard an impact and
"smelled freshly baked bird throughout the entire cockpit/cabin."
 
Our Time to Start the College Fund Award to Microsoft Corp.
Chairman Bill Gates and his wife, Melinda, who are expecting their
second child in June. Gates, the world's richest man, is worth
approximately $85 billion and lives in a $60 million mansion near
Seattle.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 7 Jan 1999 18:39:42 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: The truth at last!
 
It never made sense that a man as intelligent (Rhodes scholar) and
driven as Bill Clinton would drop his drawers as often as he did
(unless you accept the theory that all men's brains are in their
pants) and then lie about it.
 
I have finally figured it out.  As a second-term president, he has
nowhere to go politically.  Hillary, however, is another story.
Given what slick Willie's escapades have done for her popularity,
it is easy to believe they planned the whole thing together.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 7 Jan 1999 21:22:46 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: SEE SEE SEE? (adult)
 
An elderly couple went to watch a contest for the strongest bull.
After the contest they went to the 3rd prize bull's owner, wanting
to know what his secret was. The woman asked, "How do you make your
bull so strong?"
 
The owner said, "You have to make sure the bull makes love once a
week."
 
The woman turned to her husband and said, "See!" The old man was
displeased but said nothing.
 
They then went to the 2nd prize bull's owner and the old woman
asked the same question, to which the owner replied, "You must to
make sure your bull makes love 2 or 3 times a week."
 
Again the woman turned to her husband and said, "See! See!" The
old man was annoyed but remained silent.
 
They then went to the 1st prize bull's owner and again the old
woman asked the same question. The reply was, "You must to make
sure your bull makes love at least once every day."
 
The woman turned to her husband and said, "See! See! See!"
 
This time the old man got angry and asked the owner, "But does your
bull always make love to the same cow?"
 
The owner Replied, " No, no. Many many cows."
  
The old man quickly turned to the old woman and said, "See! See!
See! See!
  
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 8 Jan 1999 09:26:21 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Backlash <adult,off. to enlistees..;))
 
A man is back from the US-Iraq war and is with his wife for the
first night in the year she says to him, "Honey do you wanna do
something?"
 
"No," he replies and they fall asleep.
 
The following day she goes to a sex therapist and she gives her a
plan. That night she stands by the window and feels the breeze,
takes off her top and says, "Ooh, look what the wind blew off!"
 
Then she takes off her jeans and said, "Ooh, look what the wind
blew off!"
 
Then she takes off her undergarments and said "Ooh, look what the
wind blew off!"
 
Then her husband got out of bed and stood up and started to undo
his jeans. His wife got all excited.
 
Then he pulls down his knickers and says, "Look at what Saddam blew
off!"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Jan 1999 to 8 Jan 1999
**********************************************
 
