HUMOR Digest - 5 Jan 1999 to 6 Jan 1999
There are 14 messages totalling 559 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Religion
  2. Smiles (mature)
  3. Checking Meters
  4. You Know Your Life Sucks...
  5. Disdainful questions & comments about contemporary events
  6. Minnesota Computer Terminology
  7. Washington Post - an addition
  8. Two Clean Jokes
  9. another blonde joke <crude>
 10. My New Years resolutions
 11. God's Vacation
 12. The 3 Roses (adult)
 13. Composure - Part 1/2 <clean>
 14. Drillin' Rights <adult themes>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 5 Jan 1999 04:13:23 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Religion
 
* The Bible states that the meek shall inherit the Earth.
  Unfortunately, the strong keep contesting the will.
                           - - - - -
 
* As I understand the "Quaker" faith, they strive never to have
  any disagreements or arguments nor become angry.  I think that
  pretty much sums-up why the Quaker men currently outnumber the
  Quaker women approximately 17 to 1.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Speaking of Quakers (I was) a Rabbi in Pennsylvania complained
  to an associate that many of the younger people in his Temple
  were converting to the Quaker faith.
    The associate responded, "You've got the same problem ?  Why
  in my Temple, some of my best Jews are Friends."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Speaking of Jews (I was) when Mrs JimJr and I lived in Randall
  Ridge, the community was perhaps 40-50% Jewish.  A new neighbor
  invited to one of our Holiday parties, commented on the lack of
  Christmas decorations in the development: "I wish I'd have known
  how many Jews lived in 'The Ridge'. I'd never have bought here."
    Another of our guests, Ms Ruthenburg, smiled sweetly & replied,
  "Perhaps you should have tried Hell -- there are no Jews there."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A Priest at a Church picnic was staring at a member of his
  parish wearing the tiniest of bikini's.  A Nun walked over and
  said, "Shame on you Father, staring at that woman like that !"
    The Priest replied, "Sister Mary Elizabeth, I know you to be
  on a diet, and yet I saw you ogling the buffet."
                           - - - - -
 
*   When Columbia Maryland was constructed, its founder stressed
  diversity among the monied above all else.  In the early days,
  four churches were established for a very small population.
    Following a service, a visitor commented to the Minister on the
  sparse attendance saying it appeared his flock wasn't doing well.
    "This is true." the Pastor responded. "But thank God the other
  three Churches are having lots of problems too."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 5 Jan 1999 07:18:29 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Smiles (mature)
 
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when
she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you,
but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector
on your buggy."
 
"Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home."
 
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one
rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I
consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your
husband take care of that right away!"
 
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her
encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
 
"He said the reflector is broken."
 
"I can fix that in two minutes. Anything else?"

"I'm not sure, something about the emergency brake..."
          -----------------------------------
 
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment
overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she
sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes
down to the wall, and introduces herself to the old man. She asks:
"You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and
what are you praying for?"
 
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25
years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the
brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back
and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the
earth."
 
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here
every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
 
The old man replies, calmly: "Like I'm talking to a wall."
          -----------------------------------
 
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard,
saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and
soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The
work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write,
but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his
signature consisted of two X's.
 
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to
private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one
staircase going nowhere just for show)... you get the idea. One
day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by. "So vat's the
problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.
 
Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he said,
"but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours
are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just
2."
 
Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble," he
said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high class rich
guy, I should have a middle name!"
          -----------------------------------
 
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to
the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will
give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this
young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
 
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then
she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show
you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a
ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her
legs in full.
 
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken
off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me
$100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window
and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the
distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 5 Jan 1999 08:15:07 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Checking Meters
 
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a
young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way
to the other end.  At the last house a woman looking out her
kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
 
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his
younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to
prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
 
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from
that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.  They
stopped and asked her what was wrong.
 
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as
hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 5 Jan 1999 08:57:04 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: You Know Your Life Sucks...
 
          YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE SUCKS WHEN.....
 
 -- A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
 -- You take an assertiveness training course and
         you're afraid to tell your wife.
 -- The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
 -- Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
 -- You have to take out a loan just to get money for
        the down payment.
 -- Your children's school calls to surrender.
 -- The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.
 -- Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
 -- Your plants do better when you _don't_ talk to them.
 -- All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
 -- Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.
 
          -via Shara Rendell-Smock
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 5 Jan 1999 10:10:37 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Disdainful questions & comments about contemporary events
 
Bumper stickers seen on the same car: "Buckle Up for Safety" and
"Support Organ Donation."
 
I'd like to propose a law against the use of word "terminal"
anywhere near an airport.
 
Politics comes from the Latin root poli, meaning many, and ticks,
which are blood-sucking insects.
 
I asked my wife the other day, "Will you love me when I'm old and
senile?" She said, "Of course I do."
 
I hear there is a lockout in the NBA. What's the NBA?
 
I haven't heard anyone say they miss the NBA.
 
The best way to make certain that an issue is address but never
accomplished is to give it to a task force.
 
Never get on a scale the day after Christmas.
 
Question: What is more ridiculous than three grown, intelligent
          men trying to fly around the world in a balloon?
  Answer: Journalists who report it as a headline news event.
Answer 2: Spending our taxes for the Coast Guard to pluck wealthy
          adventurers out of the ocean, over and over again. Ditto
          for yacht racers.
 
Ever wonder about those people who spend two euros a throw on those
little bottles of Evian water? Trying spelling Evian backward.
 
My wife said the secret of a happy marriage is for the husband to
always give in to his wife. I replied that I am not in a happy
marriage.
 
My brother and sister were in one those Christmas plays at church.
I couldn't help but think, "Man, this play must be fiction, because
my sister is an angel and my brother is a wise man."
 
 
Main source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 5 Jan 1999 10:47:18 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Minnesota Computer Terminology
 
LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter
 
LOG OFF: don't add no more vood
 
MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove
 
MEGAHERTZ: vhen da big log drops on your barefoot in da morning
 
FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from pilingk too much vood
 
RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork
 
HARD DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter
 
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season
 
ENTER: come on in
 
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets below zero
 
SCREEN: vhat you gotta fix on da windows during black fly season
 
CHIP: vhat ya munch during Vikings games
 
MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bag vhen da chips are gone
 
MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly
 
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix's wife
 
LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit
 
KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to hang da keys so da Misses can find em
 
SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya?
 
MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard
 
MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof
 
PORT: vhere da commercial fishin guys tie up dere boats
 
DOCKING STATION: da same as PORT
 
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on
                      da new deer rifle vhen da wife asks about it
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 5 Jan 1999 11:35:21 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Washington Post - an addition
 
Wishington: (n., place) the political capital (sic) of the United
            States; a place where Federal politicians go if
            elected; where hope is confused with greed.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 5 Jan 1999 13:56:10 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Two Clean Jokes
 
Question: Why does Bill Clinton have a clean conscience?
Answer:   He's never used it.
          -----------------------
 
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
 
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
 
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
 
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 5 Jan 1999 18:21:22 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: another blonde joke <crude>
 
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to
her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She
exclaims,"I dont have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a
message to my mother!!!"
 
To that the man asks, "Anything??"
 
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"
 
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the
door." She does. He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He
then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. He then says, "Go
ahead, take it out." With that she takes it out and takes hold
of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"
 
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to
her lips, she says, "Hello... Mom?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 5 Jan 1999 21:17:46 EST
From:    Michael Gaines <HonkyTonkR@AOL.COM>
Subject: My New Years resolutions
 
          In 1999, I resolve to...
 
-Do my taxes... for 1991.
 
-Prepare for the Y2K crisis by purchasing food, batteries, and the
 latest release of "How to become a paranoid schizophrenic in 3
 easy lessons".
 
-Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a
 custody hearing.
 
-Secure a patent for my new "reusable condom" invention.
 
-Pay up the back child support payments to the couple who first
 tested my invention.
 
-Convince my girlfriend that the added weight of breast implants
 will reduce face wrinkles.
 
-Continue to help O.J. find the real killer.
 
-Persuade my boss to give me a company car, provide a stock-option
 plan, and let me work the drive-thru window.
 
-Tell my brother that I really didnt sleep with his ex-wife.
 
-Tell my ex-wife that I really didnt sleep with her brother.
 
-Develop a fitness plan that will accomodate my four-pack-a-day
 smoking habit.
 
-Convince my girlfriend that oral sex prevents cavities.
 
-Never send e-mail while I'm drinking, especially since those guys
 at the pentagon seem to have no sense of humor.
 
-Improve my sexual stamina by surpassing my current record of 29
 seconds.
 
-Try not to scratch my butt and pick my nose with the same hand.
 
-Do more two-steppin' and less two-timin' down at the local
 Slurp-N-Burp.
 
-Find out why that correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I
 purchased never showed up.
 
-Convince my girlfriend that sex between women is o.k. as long as
 there's a man present.
 
-Turn myself in to the authorities.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 5 Jan 1999 18:47:44 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: God's Vacation
 
                             God's Vacation
 
God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I
need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
 
St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter?
It's nice and warm there this time of the year."
 
God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know
how that hurts my back."
 
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"
 
"No way!" God about screams. "It's way too hot for me there!"
 
"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about
 going Down to Earth for your vacation?"
 
Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I
went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're
STILL talking About it!"
 
 
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 5 Jan 1999 21:37:26 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The 3 Roses (adult)
 
A woman goes to her doctor and said she wanted and operation done
because her vagina lips were much too large. She then asked the
doctor to keep the operation a secret as she didn't want anyone to
find out, so the doctor agreed.
 
She woke up from her operation only to find three roses carefully
placed beside her in bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the
doctor. She said to him, I thought I asked you not to tell anyone
about my operation!.
 
The doctor told her he did not and not to worry. He then
continued... The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went
through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse.  She
assisted me with the operation and the had the operation done
herself." Just then the girl asked about the third rose.
 
"The doctor said Oh, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn
unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 6 Jan 1999 09:29:29 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Composure - Part 1/2 <clean>
 
* Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip Lil Abner, was one day
  invited to a university to give a lecture to the students. Before
  he could begin speaking to the large group assembled in the
  auditorium a very unkempt-looking student at the back shouted a
  vulgar word at him.
 
  The word rung in everyone's ears. There was a shocked silence but
  Capp, keeping his composure, said: "Now that you've given us your
  name, what's your question ?"
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
* A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when
  he came face to face with a rival.The street was too narrow for
  two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height,
  said haughtily: "I never make way for fools !"
 
  Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said :" I always do. "
                         - - - - - - - - - -
 
* A politician, who was very small-sized, was often derided by an
  opponent, a tall, well-built man. One day the opponent walked up
  to him, looked down sneeringly and said loudly: "You know, I
  could just swallow you up!"
 
  "In that event," said the little fellow, looking up," you would
  have more brains in your stomach than you'll ever have in your
  head!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 6 Jan 1999 00:22:24 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Drillin' Rights <adult themes>
 
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded
that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
 
"What's the problem?"
 
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract,"
 snapped the oil man.
 
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife
 isn't a piece of property, you don't own her!"
 
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect
 exclusive drillin' rights!"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Jan 1999 to 6 Jan 1999
**********************************************
 
