HUMOR Digest - 3 Jan 1999 to 4 Jan 1999
There are 9 messages totalling 509 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Demon Rum
  2. Doing Nothing?
  3. Checkout lady sarcasm <one rude-ish word>
  4. Job Opening (off. to leagle beagles)
  5. The Difference between Cow"boys" ( Adult)
  6. Useless Tidbits (adult)
  7. Executive Interview
  8. Tongue-Twister Bible <clean>
  9. HMOs
 
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Date:    Sun, 3 Jan 1999 04:17:52 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Demon Rum
 
* Every New Year's you hear so much about the "evils of drink".
  I agree -- there's only one thing worse than drink -- thirst.
                           - - - - -
 
* Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all.
  The alcoholic has to attend meetings.
                           - - - - -
 
* Two drunks saw a guy siphoning gas from a car.  The one said to
  the other, "I hope I never get THAT thirsty."
                            - - - - -
 
* I know one fellow who drinks so much, I figure he's about two or
  three thousand swallows ahead of Capistrano.
                            - - - - -
 
* Contrary to what people say, you can indeed drink to relax.
  Of course sometimes, you get so calm, you can't move.
                            - - - - -
 
* Ever hear the expression "hard drinker" ?  Never made much sense
  to me, drinking's one of the easiest things in the world to do.
                            - - - - -
 
* They say drinking is inherited.  I was never convinced 'til I
  saw a baptism with water, followed by a Vodka Collins chaser.
                            - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr insisted I stop drinking this New Year's Eve at about
  11:00.  We were dancing and she said she could hear me sloshing.
                            - - - - -
 
* Personally, I think the health benefits of alcohol have been
  overlooked.  With all this emphasis on grain intake, you'd think
  it'd be good for ya in liquid form as well.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 3 Jan 1999 08:54:16 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Doing Nothing?
 
A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see
how things are going.  He goes down to the shipping docks and sees
a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.
 
The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you
make a day?"
 
The guy replies, "150 dollars."
 
The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to
get out and never come back.
 
A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, "Have you
seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 3 Jan 1999 14:43:17 +0000
From:    Andy Hedges <andy@HEDGES.NET>
Subject: Checkout lady sarcasm <one rude-ish word>
 
A bloke goes into a supermarket and buys:
 
* one tin of beans
* one bag of crisps
* one pack of burgers
* one tub of icecream
* one cake
* one yoghurt
* one pint of milk.
 
He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he
has bought and asks if he is single. The bloke says sarcastically,
"Yes. However how did you guess?"
 
The girl replies: "You're an ugly bastard."
 
 
The Humor Archives
http://www.hedges.net/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 3 Jan 1999 10:41:51 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Job Opening (off. to leagle beagles)
 
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm
and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna
cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are
equally attractive and well spoken. Its up to the senior partner to
choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a
lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.
 
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was
rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said
that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my
life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by
my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
 
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
 
"Your hands?  What do you mean?"
 
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either
of them!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 3 Jan 1999 14:27:49 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The Difference between Cow"boys" ( Adult)
 
There were once two cowboys, one from Texas and the other from
Oklahoma, riding the range when suddenly they came upon a poor
sheep with it's headstuck in a fence. Well, the temptation was too
much for the Oklahoma cowboy and he quickly leapt from his horse
and has his way with the sheep.
 
Upon completing his dirty deed, he stepped back and asked his buddy
from Texas if he wanted some.
 
"You bet!" was his enthusiastic reply and he jumped down from his
horse and stuck his head through the fence...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 3 Jan 1999 16:30:38 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Useless Tidbits (adult)
 
 Interesting But Useless Tidbits
 
Q: What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A: Conception.
 
Q: Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite
   sex. What is it?
A: Skinny dipping.
 
Q: What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?
A: No theme song/music.
 
Q: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A: Their birthplace.
 
Q: Most boat owners name their boats.  What is the most popular
   boat name requested?
A: Obsession.
 
Q: More women do this in the bathroom than men.
A: Wash their hands.  Women  80% / Men  55%
 
Q: What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
A: Gain weight.
 
Q: In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their
   favorite smell.
A: Banana.
 
Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
   until you would find the letter "A"?
A: One thousand.
 
Q: What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and
   laser printers all have in common?
A: All invented by women.
 
Q: Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single
   men.
A: Change their underwear.
 
Q: This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation.
   Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more
   strenuous.
A: A kiss.
 
Q: This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
A: Honey.
 
Q: There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of
   the year.
A: Father's Day.
 
Q: What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most
   ironic?
A: He was allergic to carrots.
 
Q: 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this.
A: Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
 
Q: 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
A: Wear underwear.
 
Q: What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21%
   hydrogen and 9% dioxide?
A: A fart.
 
Q: 85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.
A: Cheating on their wives.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 3 Jan 1999 20:14:01 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Executive Interview
 
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive
woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died.  Her soul arrived
up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter
himself.
 
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though, it seems we have a problem.  You see, strangely enough,
we've  never once had an executive make it this far and we're not
really sure what to do with you."
 
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
 
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to
do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you
can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
 
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in
Heaven", said the woman.
 
"Sorry, we have rules..."  And with that St. Peter put the
executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The
doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting
green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country
club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow
executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in
evening gowns and cheering for her.
 
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to
the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster
dinner.
 
She met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy, and she had
a great time telling jokes and dancing.  She was having such a good
time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.  Everybody
shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
 
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates
and found St. Peter waiting for her.  "Now it's time to spend a day
in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around
on clouds, playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and
before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got
her.
 
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity," he said.  The woman paused for
a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this,
mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell."
 
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell.  When the doors of the elevator
opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered
in garbage and filth.  She saw her friends were dressed in rags
and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.  The Devil
came up to her and put his arm around her.  "I don't understand,"
stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf
course and a country club and we ate lobster and danced and had a
great time.  Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my
friends look miserable."
 
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting
you; today you're staff."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 4 Jan 1999 09:34:21 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Tongue-Twister Bible <clean>
 
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
 
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter
Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers? If Peter
Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
 
Betty Botter had some butter,
But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter--
that would make my batter better."
So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
and she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So it was better Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.
 
Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.
 
A big black bug bit a big black bear,
made the big black bear bleed blood.
 
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
 
Pope Sixtus VI's six texts.
 
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
 
Surely Sylvia swims!" shrieked Sammy, surprised.
Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink."
 
Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets.
 
Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.
 
A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
 
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
 
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.
 
A bitter biting bittern
Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern
Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten,
By the better bitten bittern,
Said "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"
 
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw!
 
The boot black bought the black boot back.
 
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would
if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
 
We surely shall see the sun shine soon.
 
Which witch wished which wicked wish?
 
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed
shilly-shallied south.
These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;
sheep should sleep in a shed.
 
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu
choose the shoes he chews?
 
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
 
Six sharp smart sharks.
 
What a shame such a shapely sash
should such shabby stitches show.
 
Sure the ship's shipshape, sir.
 
Don't pamper damp scamp tramps that camp under ramp lamps.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 3 Jan 1999 22:18:45 -0800
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: HMOs
 
HMO WOES
 
HMOs in 18 states have announced that they'll drop up to 20,000
elderly patients on Medicare.  "They'll be rejected on the grounds
that they had a preexisting condition and chronic inability to pay
exorbitant fees."
               --Bob Mills
 
  
ShopTalk, Oct 7, 1998 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>
          =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
HMO ACCIDENTALLY PROVIDES HEALTHCARE!!!
 
PITTSBURG -- Mega-HMO of Pennsylvania pleaded guilty today to
accidentally providing healthcare to one of its members.
 
The HMO, one of the largest in the known galaxy, admitted it had
quickly approved treatment of an unidentified 58-year-old man who
had suffered a unknown medical emergency that required undisclosed
immediate treatment.
 
"We're sorry," said Mega-HMO President Arnold Ziffle.  "It was an
oversight.  We realize a slip-up like this instills a false sense
of hope in our clients."
 
As the Democrats and Republicans in Congress battled for right to
see how much money they could stuff into the pockets of the HMO's,
the event had a sobering effect on all but Ted Kennedy who, as it
turns out, still has enough alcohol in his bloodstream to be
legally drunk until the year 2036.
 
"Of course we're worried," said Senator Thurston Howell, "because
this strays from the medical model that the American people have a
right to accept from an HMO."
 
The concerns in Congress center around the fear that the health
industry might slip back toward outdated economic models which
include house calls, doctors knowing patients by their name, the
ability for insurance companies to cover treatment by any doctor at
any time and suckers for children (and adults) who were brave.
 
"Those times are gone," Howell said.  "When I was a child, we got
little toys on each visit, not just stickers on a roll that say, "I
love my HMO."
 
Howell's committee had drawn up specific guidelines for HMO
treatment and these include:
 
  * See lots of patients too quickly
  * Hand out samples from that little closet rather than actually
    prescribe more effective medication
  * Refer to a specialist only when a portion of the patient's body
    has fallen off and is lying on the office floor
  * Return all after-hours calls on a monthly basis
  * See lots more patients more quickly by having them undress in
    waiting room
  * Install state of the art voice mail routing systems for the
    telephone which will transfer the caller no fewer than 34 times
    before speaking to a human
  * Post large, menacing people from New Jersey next to the sign
    that says payment is due upon entry into the examining room.
  * See really lots more patients even more quickly by having
    patients in the waiting room examine each other.
 
 
The NetEnquirer <http://www.netenquirer.com/news721/hmo.html>
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Jan 1999 to 4 Jan 1999
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