HUMOR Digest - 1 Jan 1999 to 2 Jan 1999
There are 3 messages totalling 184 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Golf
  2. How's That Again?
  3. What you never say to the police
 
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Date:    Fri, 1 Jan 1999 05:34:30 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Golf
 
* A "handicapped golfer" is a man who plays golf with his wife.
                           - - - - -
 
* I have a nephew who's so good at golf, he's been offered a full
  scholarship to medical school.
                           - - - - -
 
* Then there was the golfer who was sentenced to be hanged.  He
  asked the warden if he could take a few practice swings first.
                           - - - - -
 
* Just think guys, a golfer can spend the entire weekend with a
  bunch of "hookers" and his wife isn't the least bit concerned.
                           - - - - -
 
* Basically, golf has made more liars out of Americans than all
  of the Income Tax forms ever filed.
                           - - - - -
 
* Contrary to popular belief avid golfers do not lie all the time.
  Anytime one golfer calls another a "liar" they're probably
  telling the truth.
                           - - - - -
 
* Some people just have to cheat all the time when it comes to
  recording the number of strokes on their golf cards.  I knew
  one fellow who got a hole-in-one and entered "zero" on his card.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Although not condoned, it was well known within the Maryland
  State Highway that sometimes people would "sneak-away" for a
  game of golf during the day.
    I had forgotten which course my friend Dan said to meet him
  on and called, only to have his secretary said, "I'm sorry he's
  away from his desk right now."
    Knowing she'd never admit where he really was, I asked, "Tell
  me, is he 10 miles way from his desk or 22 miles away ?"
 
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Date:    Fri, 1 Jan 1999 08:52:08 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: How's That Again?
 
Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are
women, up from almost none a year ago.
     -- Detroit News article
 
Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee
     --  Toronto Star headline
 
Publicize your business absolutely free!  Send $6.
     --  Entrepreneur Magazine ad
 
Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out
     --  The Tallahassee Bugle
 
Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs
     --  The Anchorage, Alaska Times
 
Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming
     --  The New Haven, Connecticut Register
 
Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters
     --  The Tallahassee Democrat
 
Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again?  Absolutely!
     --  The Houston Chronicle
 
Governor's Penis Busy [should be "Pen Is"]
     --  The New Haven, Connecticut Register
 
Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son
     --  The Arkansas Plainsman
 
Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands
     --  Bangor Maine News
 
Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position
     --  The Washington Times
 
Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal
     --  The Bosnia Bugle
 
Long Island Stiffens For Lili's Blow
     --  Newsday
 
Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax
     --  San Antonio Rose
 
Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-free
     --  Chicago Daily News
 
Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders
     --  The Miami Herald
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Fri, 1 Jan 1999 10:17:30 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: What you never say to the police
 
          What NOT to say to a cop
 
* I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
 
* Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
  plugged in.
 
* Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
 
* Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
 
* I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a
  police officer.
 
* I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school
  instead.
 
* You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
 
* Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
 
* Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?
 
* Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's
  night stand.
 
* Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to
  work at McDonalds.
 
* I pay your salary.
 
* So uh, you on the take or what?
 
* Gee officer, that's terrific.  The last officer only gave me a
  warning.
 
* Do you know why you pulled me over?  Okay, just so one of us
  does.
 
* I was trying to keep up with traffic.  Yes, I know there are no
  other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
 
* What do you mean have I been drinking?  You are the trained
  specialist.
 
* Hey, is that a 9mm?  That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
 
* Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
 
* Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell
  off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal,
  forcing me to speed out of control.
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Jan 1999 to 2 Jan 1999
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