HUMOR Digest - 31 Dec 1998 to 1 Jan 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 594 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. New Year's Resolutions
  2. Internet Boozing <clean, but not for sale to minors>
  3. Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
  4. For the mathematicians among us
  5. New Year's Toasts
  6. Problem With Teacher <innuendo>
  7. Humor - Potpourri
  8. Odds and Ends (some adult language)
  9. Political ha-ha-s about Bill, Ken, Saddam
 10. I've Been Waiting ALL year to Post this ==>(JOKE)<==
 
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Date:    Thu, 31 Dec 1998 03:53:24 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: New Year's Resolutions
 
Some suggested New Year's Resolutions for e-mail humor users:
 
* Wait at least three days before re-posting anything which has
  already appeared at least 1,117 times previously
 
* Begin a movement to insist that appropriate prizes are awarded
  for the longest jokes
 
* Contact your ListOwner(s) frequently complaining about other
  posts or posters; they get paid well to resolve these things
 
* Remember that even if you should accidently delete 3 years of
  collected jokes the ListOwner(s) will be happy send them to you
 
* Carefully check all posts for grammatical and/or spelling errors
  and flame each poster who would dare be so careless
 
* Remember that all historical facts and references are vital to
  the punch line of each joke; insist they be authentic & accurate
 
* Don't promote any list you are on; keep it a secret so you can
  send out the jokes later to friends claiming them as your own
 
* Always include your personal opinion/critique of the joke; many
  others can benefit from your wisdom and expert leadership
 
* List all phone numbers, pagers, faxes, mailing addresses (both
  personal and business) -- many readers will want to contact you
 
* Select some "tag line" and always include it as your trademark;
  vary the line every seven thousand posts or so
 
* Change your address at least monthly and request the ListOwner(s)
  to correct the files so you won't have to bother with all those
  inane ListServer Commands
 
* Be sure to post any "forward" you receive with the >>>>>> intact;
  it causes the reader to think "This MUST be funny stuff" to have
  been resent so often
 
* Never submit any joke dealing with religion, politics, handicaps,
  social standing, sexual superiority/orientation, national origin,
  race, weight/height/appearance, or anything else that might
  offend anyone else anywhere in the world
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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Message Board:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 31 Dec 1998 12:47:14 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Internet Boozing <clean, but not for sale to minors>
 
PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) - Beginning Sunday Rhode Islanders will be
able to buy limited quantities of beer, wine and liquor legally
through the mail or over the Internet. Some are lauding the
regulatory change by the Department of Business Regulation, saying
it will increase access to speciality drinks and beer-of-the-month
clubs. But opponents are trying to reverse the change, saying it
will give underage drinkers easy access to booze and may deprive
the state of tax revenue. They have begun lobbying state lawmakers
and Gov. Lincoln Almond, The Providence Journal reported Saturday.
 
               Source: Associated Press
                   ---------------
 
Mariotti (tm) mandatory moronic comments follow:
 
I guess the WWW will hence be known as Wet, Wet, Wet or maybe just
Wet With Whisky.
 
You fans of the grape need not Wine about this.  I am sure you will
be included there some place. It could be a fun activity choosing
which wine goes best with the latest PORTal.
 
We will have to take care to not have our modems set up on too high
a throughput, as we do not want to be pulled over for ISPeeding
under the influence.
 
"Honey.  We are out of booze!  Better GOPHER s'more."
 
We won't need the Ethernet no more.  We won't need Ether to knock
us out with all the tasty anesthetics online.
 
The term "Server" will take on a whole new meaning. The only
question now, is do we tip the server?  I suppose the more tipsy
the client, the more tips the server gets.
 
Proxy servers will have to be renamed: "Fire Water Walls."
 
When your computer gets messed up, we won't blame a virus. We'll
know it is the spirits.
 
To get a file through e-mail, we will have to decode it with
UUDetox.
 
Remember everyone, our Internet will forever be a "Bottoms Up"
platform that some believe only Java can have a sobering influence.
 
Anyone need to make a phone call to Alconetters Anonymous?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 31 Dec 1998 09:01:34 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
 
 1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
    Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they
    make as they go flying by.
 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
 4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
 5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
 6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
    through a suitable application of high explosives.
 7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along
    without it.
 8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're
    the statue.
 9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there
    the first time you  need him, chances are you won't be needing
    him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception
    problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and
    I thought to myself,  "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape
    key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
    butter.
16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 31 Dec 1998 08:19:45 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: For the mathematicians among us
 
Do you know what the graph of f(x,y) = B(x)/M(y) yields,
where B(x) = tan(exp2x+x2) and M(y) = log(log(logx[cubed])) +
hyperboliccosine(integra(0 to pi)[a continued frac/tion in y]dy +
fractals & chaos?...   Monica and Bill
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 31 Dec 1998 09:25:52 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: New Year's Toasts
 
"May God be on your road every way you go."
 
"May you live to be a hundred years, with one extra year to
 repent."
 
"In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in
 friendship and never in want."
 
"May the Lord keep you in His hand and never close His fist too
 tighton you."
 
"May the road rise to meet you."
 May the wind be always at your back,
 The sunshine warm on your face ,
 The rain fall soft upon your fields,
 And until we meet again,
 May God hold you in the hollow of His hand."
 
"May you have warm words on a cold evening,
 A full moon on a dark night,
 And the road downhill all the way to your door. "
 
"Health and long life to you
 The woman of your choice to you
 A child every year to you
 Land without rent to you
 And may you die in Ireland."
 
"May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings,
 Slow to make enemies, quick to make friends.
 But rich or poor, quick or slow,
 May you know nothing but happiness from this day forward."
 
          and finally.............
 
"May your hard drive never crash in 1999."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:54:53 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Problem With Teacher <innuendo>
 
A young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her
Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started
writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle
from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked,
"What's so funny Pat?"
 
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
 
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you
for three days."
 
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had
forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top
of the chalkboard.  Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from
another male student. She quickly turns and asks,"What's so funny
Billy?"
 
"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."
 
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!"  This time the
punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three
weeks."
 
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns
around again. So she bends over to pick it up.  This time there
is an all out laugh from another male student. She quickly turns
to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
 
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
 
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 31 Dec 1998 12:18:34 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Potpourri
 
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia,would you
get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
 
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
 
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
 
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
 
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be
wearing night gowns?
 
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
 
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put
your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
 
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
 
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
begin with.
 
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
 
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?
 
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
 
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
 
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?
 
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
 
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
 language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
 
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners
depressed?
 
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
 
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars
in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall
has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
 
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from
Holland called "Holes?"
 
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
 
          -Author unknown
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Dec 1998 23:26:59 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Odds and Ends (some adult language)
 
"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after
age 25." - Mary Ann Tebedo (Republican member of the Colorado State
Senate), remark on the Senate floor during the 1995 session, quoted
in the Denver Post, May 14, 1995
               - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Did you know in Bexley, Ohio ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19
prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses?
               - - - - - - - - - - -
 
          Interesting But Useless Tidbits
 
Q: What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A: Conception.
 
Q: Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite
   sex.  What is it?
A: Skinny dipping.
 
Q: What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?
A: No theme song/music.
 
Q: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A: Their birthplace.
 
Q: Most boat owners name their boats.  What is the most popular
   boat name requested?
A: Obsession.
 
Q: More women do this in the bathroom than men.
A: Wash their hands.  Women  80% / Men  55%
 
Q: What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
A: Gain weight.
 
Q: In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their
   favorite smell.
A: Banana.
 
Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
   until you would find the letter "A"?
A: One thousand.
 
Q: What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and
   laser printers all have in common?
A: All invented by women.
 
Q: Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single
   men.
A: Change their underwear.
 
Q: This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation.
   Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more
   strenuous.
A: A kiss.
 
Q: This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
A: Honey.
 
Q: There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of
   the year.
A: Father's Day.
 
Q: What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most
   ironic?
A: He was allergic to carrots.
 
Q: 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this.
A: Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
 
Q: 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
A: Wear underwear.
 
Q: What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21%
   hydrogen and 9% dioxide?
A: A fart.
 
Q: About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting.
A: Flush the toilet.
 
Q: What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured
   on every episode of "Seinfeld"?
A: Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.
 
Q: 85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.
A: Cheating on their wives.
               - - - - - - - - - - -
 
"Christmas Sale of Methodist Women at West-Side Church"
-headline in the Springfield (Massachusetts) Daily News
               - - - - - - - - - - -
 
"Health department says death certificates are to be ordered one
 week in advance of death." from the Lancaster (Ohio) Eagle-Gazette
               - - - - - - - - - - -
 
"We now will hear Deck Your Balls with Halls of Helly...
 Deck your Bells with Balls of Holly... er... a Christmas
 selection."    -BBC radio announcer
               - - - - - - - - - - -
 
As a prize a beautiful riding mower with optional ass-scratcher
-announcer on television show Gambit,  meaning to tell the audience
about the prize: a riding power mower with optional grass catcher
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 31 Dec 1998 14:40:16 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Political ha-ha-s about Bill, Ken, Saddam
 
Hey Saddam, President Clinton is going to unleash some more cruise
missiles on Iraq the day before the impeachment trial begins in the
Senate.
 
Saddam provokes the bombing of his country, President Clinton gets
impeached and they grow in popularity?
 
Wouldn't a more appropriate name for Desert Fox have been Desert
Diversion?
 
We don't want to overturn an election, we want to correct a
mistake.
 
Did anyone else notice as soon as the impeachment vote ended the
bombing in Iraq stopped?
 
GOP: Grumpy Old Prunes.
 
For all of his faults, Bob Livingston did something no one else has
been able to do: Get Maxine Waters to shut up for a few minutes.
 
Whatever you think about the Clinton presidency, you have to admit,
it hasn't been boring.
 
I had a dream. President called Saddam Hussein and they both agreed
to resign.
 
Al Gore looks happier than I've seen him in years.
 
When the impeachment proceedings go to trial, do you think Clinton
will be tried as an adult?
 
Will the impeachment trial of President Clinton be run like a
kangaroo court or political theater?
 
If I were in Baghdad, I would sure take cover the day before the
Senate trial starts.
 
I've come to the conclusion that Clinton is a better actor than
Reagan.
 
I think Ken Starr's dimples make him look like the village idiot
when he smiles.
 
 
Most from: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 31 Dec 1998 18:08:57 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: I've Been Waiting ALL year to Post this ==>(JOKE)<==
 
It's that time again!
 
As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for
24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process,
which eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites,
allows for a better working and faster Internet.
 
This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.
GMT on JANuary 1st until 12:01 a.m. JAN 2nd GMT on Jan. 1st (the
time least likely to interfere with ongoing work). During that
24-hour period, five powerful Internet search engines situated
around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that
they find.
 
In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that
you do the following:
 
1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their
   Internet connections.
 
2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the
   Internet.
 
3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the
   Internet.
 
4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.
 
We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet
users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any
inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed
and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of
electronic flotsam and jetsam.
 
We thank you for your cooperation.
 
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff,
 
Main branch,
 
Massachusetts Institute of Technology
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Dec 1998 to 1 Jan 1999
***********************************************
 
