HUMOR Digest - 30 Dec 1998 to 31 Dec 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 545 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. A Common Criminal (Pun, Sexual Content)]
  2. Happy New Year
  3. A Miss and a Dismiss<Clean as clean can be>
  4. Sunday School Lesson
  5. Smiles
  6. Satirical comments about contemporary life
  7. Bad Dog ( adult)
  8. The Harpy (Pun)
  9. Top twenty signs iraq is getting used to the bombings
     (Insensitive)
 10. In Heaven <clean>
 11. Sheep Fries <adult anatomy>
 
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Date:    Wed, 30 Dec 1998 00:53:37 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: A Common Criminal (Pun, Sexual Content)]
 
Did you hear about the British sex pervert who broke into a gift
shop and performed lewd acts with the porcelain figures...
 
They charged him with statue-Tory rape.
 
Apparently, he is a Hummel sexual.
 
          -by Gary Hallock in Ugly Roomer
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Dec 1998 03:37:50 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Happy New Year
 
* About the only thing more depressing than staying home on
  New Year's Eve is going out.
                           - - - - -
 
* Wouldn't be neat if in the New Year, all of your troubles
  last only as long as all of your resolutions usually do.
                           - - - - -
 
* You can tell if you were at a wild New Year's Eve party if
  you wake up the next morning with tinsel in your underwear.
                           - - - - -
 
* Being older, I take New Year's with a grain of salt now --
  and 6 aspirin, 4 Maalox tablets, half bottle of Pepto-Bismol...
                           - - - - -
 
* Being past 50 I often misplace things even on New Year's Eve --
  like the last 4-5 hours of New Year's Eve and most of New Year's
  Day for example.
                           - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr is always after me about being somewhat of a habitual
  procrastinator.  This year, I'm going to surprise her.  When
  it's time to get dressed to go out to a New Year's Eve party,
  I'm going to stop thinking about what to get her for Christmas.
                           - - - - -
 
*   The wild 60's New Year's Eve party was in full swing. The
  host told the couples to form two lines; one male, one female.
  He turned off the lights and told them all to mix-up the order,
  then get undressed. Then he said, "Find a partner."
    On the way home, Sylvia said to Fred, "That was interesting.
  Odd you should end-up with me though.  Did you know ?"
    Her husband sighed, and replied, "Yeah !  Of all the rotten
  damn luck !!!"
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Dec 1998 02:14:31 PST
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: A Miss and a Dismiss<Clean as clean can be>
 
My life has been a misadventure of sorts. In relationships, for
example, I always end up with misalliances. Many people believe I
am a misanthrope. Other go a step further. They claim I am a
misogynist. Unfounded charges, I must assure you. Totally
mischievous. But, surprise, surprise- nobody calls me a racial
bigot. I am well known for my staunch support of that great thing
in life called miscegenation, or other miscibles leading to the
miserable condition called marriage.
 
Now enough of the introductions. One fine day I was called into the
office by the miserly miscreant called the company director.
 
"Miscalculations, misconceptions, misfiling, misdirected mail,
mischances, misfeasances and miscounts are understandable," he
droned, "but misappropriations I view as absolute misdemeanors."
 
"You misunderstand," I replied, "You make me sound like a misfit,
like a soldier who misfires his missiles, like a man who exudes
misfortune. Indeed you misjudge me. To be more blunt, you mistreat
me. You make me sound so mish mash. Almost like a man who gets a
mistress and does not know what to do with it." (The last part was
to add some sex to the story)
 
So I had to explain my mistake, my miscalculated misjudgment if you
like more refined language. It wasn't difficult. I had no
misbegotten gains to hide.
 
"You see, on Monday mornings, I have my head in the mist of the
weekend. So last Monday was exactly like that. I misguided some
money for our Misty Road office to our Mistri Road office.
Naturally the various pen pushers recorded the mishap in this
misdirected transaction. And so was the payroll accordingly
mislabeled and misguided. In no time at all the money was misstated
and missing. And presto, that is it."
 
I had done well. Who on Earth could beat that ? And more
importantly, I was convinced that a misstep or misdirected
misquotation could never be taken to court, and if it was, it
would be thrown out as a mistrial.
 
True. But I did not reckon on the company. For my mistake, I was
sent a missive to inform me that I had mismanaged company affairs
and the company and me were a terrible mismatch.
 
Then, with the same zeal of a missionary on a make or break
mission, the letter went on,"... For your misgovernment, the
company awards you the miss - from all future paysheets."
 
          -A RanjeetSingh original
 
 
http://members.xoom.com/RanjeetSingh/main.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Dec 1998 08:52:46 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Sunday School Lesson
 
A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this
part of the service, he would gather all the children around him
and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's
church. 
 
On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object
lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm
going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when
you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.
 
"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..."  No
hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail
(pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no
hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and
chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."
 
Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor
breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well..." said the
boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus... but is sure sounds like
a squirrel to me!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Dec 1998 09:32:49 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Smiles
 
                     THE RABBIT and THE SNAKE
 
There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends.  One
day, the  blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know
what he is, because he can't see. The blind snake takes hold of the
rabbit and says, "Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short
little tail.  You must  be a rabbit." The rabbit was happy to know
what he was. He tells the  blind snake, "Come here and I will try
to determine what you are." The blind rabbit feels the snake and
finally says, "You're cold and slimy and  don't have any balls. You
must be a lawyer.
               ----------------------------------
 
                       BLONDE IN LAS VEGAS
 
A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in
front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob
and a candy bar fell out. She picked up the candy bar and put it in
her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot
and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in
her pocket. She put two more coins into the machine and again
turned the knob producing yet another candy bar. A man was watching
from a short distance away and walked up to her, he said "Excuse me
Miss?  What are you doing?" She said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"
               ----------------------------------
 
                             FINANCES
 
A couple was having a discussion about family finances.  Finally
the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house
wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for
your money, I wouldn't be here either."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Dec 1998 15:27:56 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Satirical comments about contemporary life
 
I am a teacher and a student just told me to go to hell. His
mother's response was, "He probably didn't like the assignment you
gave him, so he really shouldn't get in trouble." We're blaming our
youths' behavior on the education system?
 
Mayor Campbell said he wants to install speed bumps on the streets
of Atlanta to slow down traffic. I thought that was what the
potholes were for.
 
I finally discovered the magic of Christmas. It's what makes your
money diappear.
 
Work is for people who don't know how to play golf.
 
When telemarketers call me I say, "Excuse me, my phone has been
having trouble lately. Does this sound like a phone hanging up?"
Then I hang up.
 
When a telemarketer calls me, I immediately say, "I'm not
interested." Then I hang up. Works every time.
 
When a telemarketer calls me, I tell them I'm a kid and my parents
are not home.
 
Critics say an impeachment trial could tie up the three branches of
government until June. We should impeach presidents more often.

Barr and Starr have gone too far. You bring the feather and I'll
get the tar.
 
When I hear the term mass destruction, I think of my den on
Christmas morning.
 
It's a rule: He who turns on his signal first is the one who gets
the parking space in a crowded lot.
 
 
     Selected from:  http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Dec 1998 18:41:44 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Bad Dog ( adult)
 
An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of
attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told
him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and
quit this behavior.
 
So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his
front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up
and went right thru the screen door and attacked the mailman.
 
The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to
the mailman.
 
He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends
told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just
don't know what to do."
 
The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his
teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to
screw me."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Dec 1998 18:10:15 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Harpy (Pun)
 
A much-maligned character of Greek mythology, a harpy (who is half
predatory bird, half woman) was flying cautiously along the
precipice of a cliff, wistfully gazing at the yew forests which
grew at the foot of the sheer granite. Her once-remarkable sensory
powers were dulled by countless millennia. In her prime, she could
clearly visualize the drops of sea foam in the beard of a distant
sailor. Now, she disregarded the arrogance of puny men.
 
Sore and bleary-eyed, she hunted safely inland, picking off young
children, stray goats, and an occasional madman who became lost in
the forest. She looked for large objects, and those which moved
through clearings were the most visible.  Fatigued by her years and
with tattered feathers, she knew her end was approaching.
 
But her hunger was merciless, a rhythmic ache. On she flew, back
and forth, back and forth, hoping for a flicker of movement in the
clearings below. As the winds shifted, she adjusted course to
minimize the effort of her creaking wings. The boughs of the trees
below shifted, and she caught a slight movement below at the edge
of the yew forest. With hope born of desperation, she wheeled in
the air and dove at the source of the movement. Her stomach and
gizzard quivered with anticipation as she closed with the edge of
the clearing and heard the voices of young children!
 
Though subject to many laws of nature, she was still akin to Vulcan
and the other supernatural beings who had shared her world once. As
the creature streaked down on a succulent toddler in the middle of
the clearing, she actually glowed bright orange with the heat of
intensity. For a moment she became young, vital. But the cryptic
mind was devoid of that quality we call humanity. Hunger was all,
and she would feast upon the flesh of young humans. What was the
children's merriment, if not a seasoning for this long-anticipated
meal?
 
At that moment, the wind abruptly shifted again. She headed
straight into a massive tree and caromed into the huge bonfire that
graced the children's celebration. The watchers were aghast, not
realizing that they were only prey for the grotesque and wizened
creature. Alas, the shouted warnings of the children were too late!
The half-woman, half-bird sheared the tree as if it were an
overripe banana and then struck the bonfire with tremendous force!
Embers flew like blazing meteors in all directions. A crater yawned
beneath the fire as plumes of dust and smoke shot into the air. A
warning, shrieked by a chorus of young voices, was nearly swallowed
by the massive explosion that boomed off the stone cliffs and
through the trees...  Harpy! Yew Near!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Dec 1998 22:20:13 EST
From:    Paul Robinson <Rfc1394a@AOL.COM>
Subject: Top twenty signs iraq is getting used to the bombings
         (Insensitive)
 
20. Owners of Target franchises make plans to open stores back up
    again.
19. Instead of saying "We are under attack, please take shelter,"
    citizens are now told, "Here we go again, you know the drill."
18. Everyone wears sunglasses all the time.
17. Sarcastic giggling heard just behind live CNN reporters.
16. Yesterday's lead headline in most Iraqi newspapers was "NBA
    Lockout Continues."
15. Every time a bomb explodes, Iraqi class clown yells out, "Oh my
    Allah, you've killed Achmet! You INFIDELS!"
14. Instead of running for cover at the sound of the air raid
    sirens, the Iraqis do the "Tomahawk Chop."
13. Hussein's latest address to the nation included the line, "We
    must resist the Great Satan, yadda yadda yadda..."
12. Christiane Amanpour is being invited to rooftop bomb watching
    parties all over Baghdad.
11. Baghdad High's senior class has playfully painted a bull's-eye
    on the roof of the school.
10. Iraqi Television Network preempts Hussein's speech to show
    "Baywatch."
 9. Instead of running down streets aflame screaming, people now
    run down rubble-strewn streets aflame screaming.
 8. Maps of Baghdad being divided into numbered grids and sold on
    street corners to play "Cruise Missle Bingo".
 7. Baghdad weather girls point to the map and say, "Scattered B-52
    bombings and cruise missile strikes tonight through the early
    morning, with light rocket attacks tomorrow, clearing off by
    noon."
 6. "We could be killed by a bomb any second" no longer an
    effective pickup line in Iraqi bars.
 5. Children try to catch falling shrapnel on their tongues.
 4. Every Iraqi citizen has been issued a catcher's mitt.
 3. Students anxiously listen to the radio each morning to listen
    for school closings.
 2. Even the ever-hilarious "Sorry, that was me -- must've been
    those BEANS I ate!" jokes are wearing thin.
 
     But the number ONE sign of indifference
     among the Iraqi populace....
 
 1. Gag gift sales soar with the release of the new "Magnetic
    Hat."
 
 
          -Forwarded to me from a friend
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 31 Dec 1998 09:33:23 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: In Heaven <clean>
 
A man dies and goes to Heaven. The angel Gabriel meets him at the
Pearly Gates and takes him on a guided tour.
 
The man sees various groups of people all standing around and
talking to each other. "These are the Buddhists," says Gabriel.
"And over there are the Jews, and the Hindus. Over here are the
Muslims, and over yonder are the Jehova's Witnesses." In fact, the
man sees every religious group, every nationality, and every
culture in Heaven.
 
Eventually, the pair comes to a large wall. "Hey, what's this wall
doing in Heaven?" asked the man.
 
"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Gabriel. "Lower your voice. Behind that
wall are the Americans. They like to think that they're the only
ones here."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Dec 1998 21:16:45 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Sheep Fries <adult anatomy>
 
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working
with him to help castrate his sheep.  As the farmer castrated the
sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw
them into the trash.
 
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries
them up and we eat them, they're delicious!  They're called Sheep
Fries!"
 
The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who
cooked them up for supper.  This went on for three days... and each
evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
 
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He
asked his wife where the farmhand was and she repied, "It's the
strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I
told him French Fries and he ran like hell!
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Dec 1998 to 31 Dec 1998
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