HUMOR Digest - 29 Dec 1998 to 30 Dec 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 372 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Saving For Your Future? <adult>
  2. These Days...
  3. Modern Sports Shoes (Pun)
  4. One for your kids
  5. Night before Impeachment
  6. Sympathy for the Hacker
  7. Men Jokes (off. to me)
  8. Bats <clean>
 
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Date:    Tue, 29 Dec 1998 13:54:16 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Saving For Your Future? <adult>
 
The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised
eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next
morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room
whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs.
The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody
present that he was happy and confident.
 
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the
dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her
face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
 
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the
lobby for his morning cigar.
 
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she
said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride
with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
 
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved
up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 29 Dec 1998 04:48:06 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: These Days...
 
* These days when someone borrows money from ya and then sez he's
  "eternally indebted to ya" -- he means it literally !
                           - - - - -
 
* One doctor in the US has been involved in so many "test tube"
  babies, on Father's day he get cards from Dow-Corning Glassware.
                           - - - - -
 
* Speaking of test tube babies (I was) did you ever think there'd
  be a time when conception became a spectator sport ?
                           - - - - -
 
* Did ya ever wonder if there are arguments among the astronauts
  as to who gets the window seat ?
                           - - - - -
 
* Belief in reincarnation is making a come-back these days. One
  guy just completed a will leaving everything to himself.
                           - - - - -
 
* So many people are sending out jokes these days claiming they
  always wanted to be a comic in the worst way.  From what I've
  seen, a LOT of them have made it.
                           - - - - -
 
* Car manufactures spent many years designing vehicles with smooth
  sleek lines.  Then people put bike and ski racks on the roof and
  add hundreds of pounds of drag.
                           - - - - -
 
*   In the past, it was enough to display a painting from a well-
  known artist and let the viewer seek out the signature.
    These days, the Yuppies mount the canceled check for the art
  in the frame too.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 29 Dec 1998 08:58:05 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Modern Sports Shoes (Pun)
 
The production and sale of special shoes for athletes has become a
multi-billion dollar industry with firms such as Nike and Rebock
continually coming out with new innovations to increase their
shares of the market. No longer is your choice limited to shoes for
tennis, bowling or football. Now their are special shoes for sports
such as rugby and squash, events such as pole vaulting and free
exercise, and shoes for special conditions such mud or artificial
turf. There are even shoes to give you a special advantage, such as
basketball shoes pumped up with air to allow basketball players to
jump higher.
 
In anticipation of the coming 2000 summer Olympics, Nike was the
first to announce its new line of shoes made especially for
athletes planning to compete in the track events. The shoes will
not only be made of a new, very light but durable synthetic
material, but will have a tiny Intel Pentium chip imbedded in the
shoes to record every time and distance.
 
A major advertising campaign will start later this month promoting
the new racing shoes. Every ad will feature Nike's new slogan...
"These are the soles that time men's tries."
 
          -Thanks to Mary Campbell
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 29 Dec 1998 08:00:20 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: One for your kids
 
Q. How do you grow chickens?
 
A. On eggplants.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 29 Dec 1998 08:55:57 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Night before Impeachment
 
          'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPEACHMENT
                    December 17, 1998
 
'Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House,
 All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.
 
 The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,
 In hopes that Saint Bubba  would be trapped in the lair.
 The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,
 While visions of perjury danced in their heads.
 
 And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
 Had just settled in for a long evening's nap.
 When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
 They clicked on CNN to see what was  the matter.
 
 When what to their wondering eyes should appear
 But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.
 With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
 They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!
 
 More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
 "Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let's forget about The Vixen!
 On Barney! On Maxine! I'm no Richard Nixon!!!"
 
"From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash  away all !!!"
And then the Republicans heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
 
As they scratched their heads and were turning around
The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.
No longer was he eating from his humble pie,
While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.
 
A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.
His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.
 
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.
The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.
 
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
 
He was chubby and plump - a right jolly old elf,
And the Republicans wept, in spite of  themselves.
And a wink of his eye and a twist of  his head
Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.
 
He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
Hard to believe that an Intern once called him "The Jerk."
And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,
By "Wagging The Dog," up the polls he rose.
 
He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,
Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.
They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
"Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a  good night."
 
          -From: Paul Daigle
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 29 Dec 1998 07:04:10 -0800
From:    "Amy L. Ward" <amylward@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Sympathy for the Hacker
 
          Sympathy for the Hacker
     To "Sympathy for the Devil" by Rolling Stones
     ---------------------------------------------
 
Please allow me to introduce myself
I m a man of girth and waist
I ve been logged in for many years
Erased many a man s hope and faith.
 
And I was round when William Gates
Talked to IBM in vain
Made damn sure that Ballmer
Washed his hands, and sealed their fate.
 
Pleased to delete you
Can t you guess my name?
But what s troubling you is
Your PCs are my game.
 
I stuck around the Valley
When Steve Jobs felt no shame
Killed the Mac and its software
Wozniak screamed in pain.
 
I phone phreaked
And programs tweaked
When Ellison raged
And the NeXTStep stank
 
Pleased to delete you
Can t you guess my name?
But what s troubling you is
Your PCs are my game.
 
I laughed with glee
While the Morris worm
Took down the whole net
And pissed off NSA
 
I shouted out
Who killed the process?
When after all
It was you and me.
 
Just as every geek is a hacker
And Lotus is IBM
As one is zero
Just call me Mitnick
They say I m in need of restraint
 
So if you see me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your silly certifications
And I ll lay your network to waste.
 
Pleased to delete you
Can t you guess my name?
But what s troubling you is
Your PCs are my game.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 29 Dec 1998 10:28:33 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Men Jokes (off. to me)
 
 Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it
    take to do the dishes?
 A: Both of them.
 
 Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
 A: They don't have the time.
 
 Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
 A: They won't stop to ask directions.
 
 Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
 A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human
    being.
 
 Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
 A: He buys two cases of beer.
 
 Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
 A: The bonds mature.
 
 Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
 A: So men can remember them.
 
 Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
 A: We don't know; it has never happened.
 
 Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
    good looking?
 A: They all already have boyfriends.
 
 Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
    night?
 A: A widow.
 
 Q: When do you care for a man's company?
 A: When he owns it.
 
 Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
 A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
    Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the
    fridge.
 
 Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
 A: His hand caught fire.
 
 Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
 A: Put the remote control between his toes.
 
 Q: What did God say after creating man?
 A: I must be able to do better than this.
 
 Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
 A: "Practice makes perfect."
 
 Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
 A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or
    extremely small.
 
 Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in
    common?
 A: They're married.
 
 Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
 God says: "So you would love her."
 "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
 God says: "So she would love you.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Dec 1998 09:58:13 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Bats <clean>
 
A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a
single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave.
Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the
hell are you doing down there?"
 
And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Dec 1998 to 30 Dec 1998
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