HUMOR Digest - 28 Dec 1998 to 29 Dec 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 285 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Human Animal
  2. 5 kinds Of Sex
  3. Common Birthdays
  4. New Yorkers
  5. Rudolph's Surgery (Pun)
  6. Fatuous comments about contemporary life
  7. The bet  <adult>
  8. GANDHI
 
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Date:    Mon, 28 Dec 1998 03:52:10 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Human Animal
 
* Dating rule to remember: Nothing can vex like the opposite sex.
                           - - - - -
 
* In the majority of instances, an argument proves that two or
  more people are present.
                           - - - - -
 
* The biggest problem I see with leisure time is to somehow keep
  other people from using it.
                           - - - - -
 
* If ya think about it, no one really agrees with other people's
  opinions unless it's their own expressed in different terms.
                           - - - - -
 
* Going to a Holiday party with your mate or significant other is
  much like going hunting with the Game Warden.
                           - - - - -
 
* Wife berating husband reading paper: "Lee !!!  Would you please
  stop saying 'uh-huh'... I stopped talking ten minutes ago."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Two Yuppettes met for lunch and one was admiring the other's
  new diamond tennis bracelet.  "Anniversary ?" she asked.
    "No... fight." the second responded.
                           - - - - -
 
*   A man returning home unusually late was tip-toeing into the
  bedroom when his wife awoke and said, "Is that you Paul ?"
    "Well..." he replied, "It damn sight better be."
                           - - - - -
 
* For those with young kids, the biggest thrills in vacationing
  without the kids are: you can eat whatever you want, watch adult
  TV shows, sleep soundly, and talk in complete sentences.
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date:    Mon, 28 Dec 1998 08:24:57 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: 5 kinds Of Sex
 
 1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon
    period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
 
 2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
    marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the
    kitchen.
 
 3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit,
    perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
 
 4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you
    pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
 
 5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when
    you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone
    in the courtroom.
 
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Date:    Mon, 28 Dec 1998 08:47:36 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Common Birthdays
 
This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about a
block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together. The
Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was the son
of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday. Well, for
their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a Rolex watch and
the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta.
 
The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their
presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each other.
The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and his father
is NOT pleased!
 
"What're you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!! Some day
you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down and
get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff. THEN one day,
you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man.
What the heck ya gonna do???  Look at your watch and say,  'Hey,
how long you gonna be?'"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Mon, 28 Dec 1998 08:51:19 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: New Yorkers
 
          TEN CHANGES ABOUT NEW YORKERS
            DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON!
 
10. People say, "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy New Year!"
    before giving you the finger.
 9. Instead of yellow tape, cops close off murder scenes with
    festive holly.
 8. People pray even when they're not in the back seat of a cab.
 7. If you dial 911 you just hear a recording of Deck the Halls.
 6. Slight increase in number of fat bearded guys who want you
    to sit on their lap.
 5. Gullible tourists purchase Rockefeller Center Christmas tree
    for $100.
 4. Vendors cut price of hot dogs left over from last Christmas.
 3. Police investigate the season's first sleigh-jacking.
 2. Strangers greet each other with "I got your Yule log right
    here."
 1. Two words: Crack nog.
 
          -via Swiggy
 
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Date:    Mon, 28 Dec 1998 08:42:03 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Rudolph's Surgery (Pun)
 
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to
rest.  And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had
a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He
made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so
sensitive about his looks. However it wasn t his glowing probiscus
that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he
had given Santa because of it.
 
No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more
prominent than the ears of the average rain deer, or bear for that
matter. So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the
pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time,
January 1st has been celebrated as... New Ears Day.
 
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Date:    Mon, 28 Dec 1998 12:10:27 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Fatuous comments about contemporary life
 
The four basic food groups for Winter holidays are: Sugar, starch,
grease and chocolate.
 
Real fruit cake is admired, but never eaten.
 
Fruitcake is soaked with rum so that no one will notice that it is
last year's fruitcake.
 
If you can't be born rich, it sure is nice to be born good-looking.
 
I saw Bill and Hillary walking together the other day and I was
wondering if he forgave her.
 
How can woman stay with a man who repeatedly cheats on her? I don't
know; ask Mrs. Livingston.
 
The problem with the gene pool is there's no lifeguard.
 
I like to borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect to get it
back.
 
The pollsters are calling the wrong people. There were 10 people at
my house last week and we all disapproved of Clinton.
 
We need a special prosecutor to investigate the poll takers.
 
I was at a bar last night discussing politics and sex with nearly
two dozen of the finest people I've every met. Not one of us was a
teetotaler.
 
If a woman says something and there is no man in the room, will she
still know that she is wrong?
 
I was feeling a little lonely last night until I remembered, I got
a friend in the diamond business.
 
I enjoyed the NBA more this year than any other year so far. Thank
you, NBA.
 
Final Jeopardy
Category: Affairs
Answer: Iran-Contra
Question: What is an Impeachable offense?
 
 
Primary source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
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Date:    Mon, 28 Dec 1998 19:25:34 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: The bet  <adult>
 
I was having a discussion with a friend a while back when she
claimed there are 69 positions.  I felt that in fact there are only
68, and bet her $350, on condition that she prove it.  She accepted
my bet, and we arranged to set aside the next weekend to settle the
matter.
 
We warmed up in a 69, my favourite number, then got down to serious
business.  We did it doggy style, we did it several ways in a
chair, we did it standing up.  We spooned, we did it in full and
half lotus, we did the wheelbarrow.  We had sex in ways I can't
remember, and often we would return to soixante neuf to
re-lubricate.
 
Late Sunday evening we had tried 66 positions, and my friend could
not think of any more.  She asked me if I could think of any we'd
missed, and being a gentleman I replied, "Well, there's head to
toe."
 
She lay on the bed, legs slightly apart, and I got on top, taking a
big toe in my mouth to add to her pleasure.  Suddenly she
remembered the airplane position, and told me to spin slowly like a
propeller, maintaining penetration all the while.  This eventually
brought us into... the missionary position.
 
Best fifty quid I ever lost.

 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
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Date:    Mon, 28 Dec 1998 18:39:10 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: GANDHI
 
Mohandas Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his
feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual
person. Even when he went on a hunger strike, he did not eat much
and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he
ended up with very bad breath. Therefore he came to be known as:
 
"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Dec 1998 to 29 Dec 1998
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