HUMOR Digest - 27 Dec 1998 to 28 Dec 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 504 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Weekly Traffic Report
  2. Ladies, what'll you have <adult>
  3. Cider
  4. Biblical Discovery <could be offensive to religious folk>
  5. "And that, Your Honor, is how..."
  6. The Big Date (Pun)
  7. Pragmatism vs Atheism
  8. answering machine answers <clean>
  9. At The Park <clean>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 27 Dec 1998 02:55:50 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Weekly Traffic Report
 
Good Morning y'all, here I am with this week's Traffic Report.
This is the Weekly Traffic Report that is sent to all of the
Humor List subscribers once a month.
 
May I wish all of you who observe the Gregorian Calendar a very
Happy New Year.  And at the risk of being a wet blanket, remind
those who don't know, 1999 is NOT the end of this century, in
spite of what you may have read or heard. The year 2000 will be
the end of this century, and 2001 will begin the next -- due to
the fact that there was no year "zero".
 
If you received a "Millennium Countdown Clock" as a gift during
the Holidays, I hope you'll be able to exchange it for something
useful.
 
Remember, if you missed or deleted <shudder> a Digest, they're
available (normally the same day the Digests are sent out) at:
        www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr   (text files)
        www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293   (zip files)
 
 
                                                JimJr
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
     Traffic Report for HUMOR, 20 Dec 1998 - 26 Dec 1998
 
                      (Number of articles posted each day)
                     Last   3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Past
Date   Day           Year     Back     Back     Back     Week
 
 20  Sunday            5        5        8       12        8
 21  Monday           13       10       13        8       11
 22  Tuesday          14       10       13       10        9
 23  Wednesday        16        9       10        9        5
 24  Thursday          9       13       11       11        7
 25  Friday           16       11        9       10        4
 26  Saturday          6        6        8        5        8
 
   (Average)          11        9       10        9        7
 
Subscriptions      8,500    7,716    7,736    7,695    7,659
Countries            104      114      115      114      114
Contributors         740      587      584      584      584
 
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct
mailings.  The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers.
 
       The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:
 
Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus,
Belgium, Belize, Bermuda, Bhutan, Bolivia, Botswana, Brazil,
Brunei, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands,
Costa Rica,  Croatia,  Cuba,  Cyprus,  Czech Republic, Denmark,
Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, England, Estonia,
Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia,
Germany, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland,
India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan,
Jordan,  Kazakhstan,  Kenya,  Korea,  Kuwait,  Latvia, Lebanon,
Liechtenstein, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta,
Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Nepal,
Netherlands, New Zealand, Nigeria, Northern Ireland, Norway, Oman,
Pakistan,  Panama,  Peru,  Philippines,  Poland, Portugal, Qatar,
Romania,  Russia,  Saudi Arabia,  Scotland,  Singapore, Slovakia,
Slovenia,  South Africa,  Spain,  Sri Lanka,  Suriname,  Sweden,
Switzerland,  Taiwan,  Thailand,  Tanzania,  Trinidad and Tobago, 
Tunisia, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay,
USA, Venezuela, Vietnam, Wales, Zambia, Zimbabwe
 
Total countries: 114
 
           Email me if your country is not listed here.
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HUMOR GOALS
 
A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects
Freedom of expression for contributors
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning
requirement)
 
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Subscribers need take no action when such a message is received.
 
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Archived Files:
 
A complete set of the UGA Humor Digests for 1997-1998,
with the original Subject indexes for easy searching:
 
                [original text format]
     http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
 
      [original text compressed to zip format]
     http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Message Board:
 
A Humor List rule has always been no discussion on the mailings.
This is as it should be.  People who subscribe to a joke list
expect jokes, not banter.  But as an alternate, a Message Board
is now available to ALL members (and guests) who wish to comment
on previously posted jokes or those who enjoy a forum format:
           www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
It is NOT intended as a site to leave messages or questions for
the ListOwners, nor is it an alternate site to post jokes, but a
place for messages intended for the entire membership's viewing.
 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
And now for a contribution of humor:
 
As you prepare to celebrate the New Year, remember -- your vehicle
has depreciated by at least 20%, taxes will be due shortly and the
majority of the world's population will be facing the bleakest two
months of severe winter weather.  Happy New Year !
 
 
                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@qis.net
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 27 Dec 1998 12:00:37 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Ladies, what'll you have <adult>
 
The Excedrin Penis - it's ttthhhiiisss big
The Snickers Penis - It satisfies your craving
The Magnovox Penis - Smart.Very smart.
The Life-Call Penis - It's fallen and it can't get up.
The American Express Penis - Don't leave home without it.
The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis - How many licks DOES it take...?
The M&M Penis - Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
The Lucky Charms Penis - They are magically delicious.
The Energizer Penis - It keeps going and going.
The Right Guard Penis - Anything less is uncivilised.
The Campbell's Soup Penis - Mmmm mmmm good
The McDonald's Penis - Over 8 billion served.
The Tombstone Penis - What would you like on yours?
The Ragu Penis - Comes out chunkier than the rest.
The Cobain Penis - It blows itself away.
The All-State Penis - You're in good hands.
The 7-Up Penis - The un-penis.
The Bud Lite Penis - Great taste, less filling.
The Barq's Penis - The one with bite.
The Beef Penis - It's what's for dinner.
The Transformer Penis - It's more than meets the eye.
The Twizzler Penis - It makes mouths happy.
The Sega Penis - PENIS!
The Starburst Penis - The juice is loose.
The Timex Penis - Takes a lickin and keeps on...
The Burger King Penis - It takes two hands to handle a whopper.
The Flintstones' Vitamins Penis - 10 million strong and growing.
The Wendy's Penis - Where's the beef?
The Lay's Penis - Betcha can't eat just one.
The Little Ceasar's Penis - Penis!Penis!
The Mortal Combat Penis - Nothing can prepare you.
The Bounty Penis - The quicker picker-upper.
The Street Fighter II Penis - Matt, stop, you are too good at this.
The Domino's Pizza Penis - Delivers in 30 minutes or less.
The Rice Krispies Penis - What does your penis say to you?
The Extra Penis - Lasts an extra, extra, extra long time.
The Charmin Penis - Don't squeeze the penis!
The Beatles Penis - Now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
The Oasis Penis - Thinks it is the Beatles penis.
The Windows '95 Penis - If you ask it to do too much, it will crash
The Virginia Slims Penis - You've come a long way, baby.
The Secret Penis - Strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman
The Micro Machines Penis - A whole world, in the palm of your hand.
The Sanka Penis - Good to the last drop.
The Payday Penis - It's almost totally nuts!
The Yellow Pages Penis - Let your fingers do the walking.
The Reese's Penis - How do you eat your penis?
The Beavis Penis - Look!It's changing colours!
The Sustecal Penis - More protein, less fat.
The Just For Men Penis - A sure thing for a natural look.
The Milk Penis - It does a body good.
The Taco Bell Penis - It runs for the border.
The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Penis - It's the adult thing to do.
The AOL Penis - It's so easy to use, no wonder it is #1.
The Pontiac Penis - Built for kicks, built for keeps!
The Psychic Penis - It knows you are coming before you do.
The Pinocchio Penis - The longer you lie, the more it grows.
The AMTRAK Penis - All Aboard
The Wendy's Penis - Hot and juicy
The Visa Penis - It's everywhere you wanna be
The Baskins-Robbins Penis - 31 flavours.
The Molson Penis - An honest penis makes its own friends.
The Vampire Lestat Penis - Drink from me and live forever.
The Highlander Penis - There can be only one.
 
          -Stolen from Liberty Beall of SAO,
           with contributions by other SmartAsses.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 27 Dec 1998 08:47:15 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Cider
 
A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and
cradling her hand: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she
wailed.
 
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mom.
 
"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and
poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her
hand in it. "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she
whined.
 
"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed
parent,
 
"What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"
 
"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick
in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 27 Dec 1998 10:45:09 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Biblical Discovery <could be offensive to religious folk>
 
They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of
the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be
the actual "first page" of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:
"Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved First scrawling
First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone-Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C.
All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional,
and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past,
present or future is purely coincidental.
 
WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous
and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the
action in question.
 
NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are
called 'stars'. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way
should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an
explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a misconstrual happen,
the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of
arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity and other vile acts
which will surely follow the residents of the planet into time
eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the world
and let the author start over.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 27 Dec 1998 11:08:30 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: "And that, Your Honor, is how..."
 
A man takes the day off work and decides to go play golf. He is on
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron."
 
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron."  He looks at the frog and decides to prove the
frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits
it 3 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow
that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?  The frog replies,
"Ribbit Lucky frog."
 
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What
do you think frog?," the man asks.  "Ribbit 3 wood."  The guy takes
out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and
doesn't know what to say.
 
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game in his life and
asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"
 
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the
guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you
think I should bet?"  The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
 
Now, this is a "million-to-one" shot to win, but after the golf
game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of chips come
sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys
the best room in the hotel. He sits the Frog down and says, "Frog,
I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I
am forever grateful"...
 
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."  He figures why not, since
after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the
frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
 
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help
me God, or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
 
          -Thanks to JuanRoberto
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 27 Dec 1998 12:02:14 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Big Date (Pun)
 
I had been planning this for almost a year. I had two tickets to
the Rolling Stones concert at The Pond. I had slept overnight at
the box-office and tickets were sold out in the first hour. I was
one of the few at our school who were lucky enough to get a pair of
tickets. They had cost a full month s allowance.
 
It was my first date with Karen, the head cheerleader and the most
popular girl at the school. I have had a crush on her since the
sixth grade. Dad had given me the keys to his new Cantera. He had
never allowed me to drive it before. Nothing could go wrong. This
would be the perfect evening and hopefully the start of a long
relationship.
 
When I was about to leave, my mother called me.  She had just
received a frantic call from my older sister, Linda. Her car had
stalled on the freeway and she was late for work. I would have to
go pick her up, take her to work, and then see that her car was
towed to the nearest garage. I would have to cancel my date.
 
I immediately refused, telling Mom it was impossible for me to do
that.
 
My mother was irate.  Don t you have any sense of responsibility,
she asked.
 
It's not that,  I answered...  I just can't be a brother and assist
her.
 
                -By Stan Kegel from a riddle by George McCluhan
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 27 Dec 1998 17:44:32 -0500
From:    Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: Pragmatism vs Atheism
 
"I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays"
 
          --Sent by Roland Hodges
 
 
http://members.tripod.com/~pbeloin
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 27 Dec 1998 19:45:26 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: answering machine answers <clean>
 
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the
world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're
finished.
 
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. So leave a message.
 
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you
are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry,
I have plenty of money.
 
Hi. Now you say something.
 
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
 
Hello. I am David's answering machine.  What are you?
 
(From a Japanese man in Toronto:) He-ro! This is Sato. If you
leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call
sooner!
 
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself
with one of these magnets.
 
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say,
if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold
it up to the phone.
 
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office
and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave
your name and number and they will get back to you.
 
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-
recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll
think about returning your call.
 
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
 
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
 
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
 
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your
ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel
helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
 
Please leave a message.  However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
 
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...
real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our
teeth, we'll get back to you.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 28 Dec 1998 10:34:43 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: At The Park <clean>
 
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male.
These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said,
"Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought
enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I
hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do
whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to
life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby
woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
 
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues
giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.After fifteen minutes,
the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You
still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
 
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do
it again?"
 
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the
pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Dec 1998 to 28 Dec 1998
************************************************
 
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