HUMOR Digest - 26 Dec 1998 to 27 Dec 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 365 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Riddles from P. U. N. Y.
  2. Day After Christmas
  3. Guide To Sex
  4. The Month After Christmas
  5. Louisiana Purchase
  6. Phone call to psychic gives burglar away
  7. CATS
  8. Exercise Diary
 
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Date:    Sat, 26 Dec 1998 00:30:29 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Riddles from P. U. N. Y.
 
86. A Leprechaun writes an "elf help book" containing recipes for
    dishes using purple fruit. For professional reasons he wishes
    to conceal his true identity yet still have his book appeal to
    the "little people."  What should he do?
 
87. What defensive retort did the dog make when his owner accused
    him of chewing a bone from a canine road kill?
 
88. When transporting them overseas, where is a Frenchman likely to
    carry his snails?
 
89 What do mute physicists use to communicate their theories?
 
90. What is the name of the new product merchandised for closing
    small lacerations at home without calling a doctor?
 
 
                         - - - - - - - -
                             Answers
 
 
86.  USE A GNOME DE PLUM (By Gary Hallock)
 
87.  IT TAKES ONE TO GNAW ONE  (By Marilyn Escue)
 
88.  IN ESCARGO SHIP (By Gary Hallock)
 
89.  SINE LANGUAGE (By David Bunch)
 
90.  SUTURE SELF (By Stan Kegel)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Dec 1998 03:44:56 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Day After Christmas
 
* Whatta ya wantta bet any Christmas Cards you receive today
  due to mail delays are from people you forgot to send one to.
                           - - - - -
 
* I gave Mrs JimJr the perfect Christmas gift.  Something that
  costs just enuff to exchange today for what she really wanted.
                           - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr gave me a wonderful gift -- a smoking jacket. It did
  take me almost an hour and a half to put it out though.
                           - - - - -
 
* Anyone who is brave enuff to go shopping today is probably going
  to have lots of trouble seeking what they need & want the most --
  a parking space.
                           - - - - -
 
* As you sit there today pondering Christmas and perhaps thinking
  of the bills, look at it this way -- think of all the garage
  sales you helped provide merchandize for.
                           - - - - -
 
* My former co-workers at the Maryland State Highway sent me an
  unusual gift -- a nice bed warmer.  Unfortunately, Mrs JimJr
  wouldn't let me keep her though.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Due to our Pastor's illness, the Bishop conducted Christmas
  services himself in our Church.  He considers himself quite a
  jokester and I was braced for his comment as he greeted those
  leaving the Church.
    As he shook my hand, he said, "I was greatly disappointed in
  the attendance.  No one could have known I was to conduct the
  service & give the sermon since it was a last minute thing."
    I shook my head sadly and replied, "Yes Bishop I know.  But
  word must have leaked out somehow."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Dec 1998 08:35:51 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Guide To Sex
 
             A GUIDE TO SEX FOR COMPLETE IDIOTS
                      - Written by Will Snyder
        ============================================
             Copyright 1998 Joke-Of-The-Day.com
 
 1. Oral sex does not mean talking to each other
 
 2. A condom is not needed for when you are doing it alone
 
 3. Herpes is not the name of a Greek god.
 
 4. On the same note, oral contraception goes beyond just saying
    'NO'
 
 5. For it not to be a crime, mutual consent is necessary
 
 6. No woman would ever be desperate enough to sleep with you at
    first sight. If this happens be sure you pay her, otherwise you
    will suffer major physical pain
 
 7. Abstinence is not a kinky position
 
 8. Don't tell potential girlfriends that you have a severe
    Oedipus complex
 
 9. A bad line to use is, "They took 40% off during my
    circumcision"
 
10. Speed is not a virtue.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Dec 1998 08:49:11 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Month After Christmas
 
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter
disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Dec 1998 10:12:08 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Louisiana Purchase
 
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration)
loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he
could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being
offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to
1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After
sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply:
 
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract
of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared
and presented the application, we must point out that you have
cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property only back to
the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be
necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
 
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
 
"Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received.
I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194
years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any
educated person in this country, particularly those working in the
property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the
U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our
application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the
title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France,
which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land
came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the
year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had
been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the
then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious
woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the
precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her
jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you
know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it
is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it
is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called
Louisiana.
 
I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we please have our damn loan?"
 
          -from Harriett
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Dec 1998 10:35:07 -0500
From:    Aditya_the_Hindu__Skeptic
         <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Phone call to psychic gives burglar away
 
Couldn't they have warned him? Surely they could see what was
coming.
 
Police say that as Michael Anthony Silver was burglarizing a string
of homes in Loudoun County, Va., he apparently started wondering
about his future -- he paused in one house long enough to make a
call to psychics at a telephone hotline.
 
Then, police say, Silver made the classic mistake of an untutored
thief: He used his real name.
 
And when the homeowner found the charge on his phone bill and
alerted the sheriff, the psychics gave up Silver's name, dropping a
dime on him even though he'd had a $250 reading.
 
Silver, 34, was identified as a suspect in a recent batch of
burglaries in rural Round Hill, in part because he used his own
name while making the 900-number call from the victim's home two
years ago, according to a search warrant filed this week in Loudoun
County Circuit Court.
 
The victim in the 1996 burglary case first noticed some items were
missing. He later got his phone bill and spotted the $250 charge
for a call made while he was out of town.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Dec 1998 10:54:51 EST
From:    Paul Robinson <Rfc1394a@AOL.COM>
Subject: CATS
 
 1. Cats do what they want, when they want
 2. They rarely listen to you
 3. They're totally unpredictable
 4. They whine when they are not happy
 5. When you want to play they want to be alone
 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play
 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim
 8. They're moody
 9. They leave hair everywhere
10. They drive you nuts
 
Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
 
          -Forwarded to me from a friend
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Dec 1998 16:41:18 EST
From:    Lacey Hoedl <Wit49727@AOL.COM>
Subject: Exercise Diary
 
My Exercise Diary
Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron, http://www.wbrucecameron.com
 
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private
lessons at the local health club.  Though still in great shape from
when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it
was a good idea to go ahead and try it.  I called and made
reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26 year
old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.  My wife
seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
 
Day 1.  They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my
progress this week.  Started the morning at 6:00 AM.  Tough to get
up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was
waiting for me.  She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and
a dazzling white smile.  She showed me the machines and took my
pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.  She seemed a little
alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her
in that outfit of hers added about ten points.  Enjoyed watching
the aerobics class.  Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit
ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in
the whole time I was talking to her.  This is going to be GREAT.
 
Day 2.  Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I
made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar
up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake!
Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full
mile.  Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.
 
Day 3.  The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth
brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer.  I parked on top
of a Volkswagen.  Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my
screaming was bothering the other club members.  The treadmill hurt
my chest so I did the stair monster.  Why would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention
of elevators?  Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live
longer.  I can't imagine anything worse.
 
Day 4.  Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in full
snarl.  I can't help it if I was half an hour late; it took me that
long just to tie my shoes.  She wanted me to lift dumbbells.  Not a
chance, Tanya.  The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason.  I
hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me.   As
punishment she made me try the rowing machine.  It sank.
 
Day 5.  I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world.  If there was any
part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it.  She
thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps.  Well I have
news for you Tanya I don't have triceps.  And if you don't want
dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells.  I refuse to accept
responsibility for the damage; YOU went to sadist school, YOU are
to blame.   The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher,
which hurt like crazy.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like a music teacher, or social studies?
 
Day 6.  Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering
where I am.  I lacked the strength to use the T.V. remote so I
watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
 
Day 7.  Well, that's the week.  Thank God that's over.  Maybe next
time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free
teeth drilling at the dentist's.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Dec 1998 to 27 Dec 1998
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